How to compliment a woman

[TamLin01]

I have no issue paying another guy a compliment. "Hey bro, nice car" or "Yo dude, cool t-shirt"

Well that's not the same thing, is it?

Further, the question posed at the opening was about attractive looking women, not women with nice cars.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I do wonder how much of the difference is environmental/regional/cultural. California is a different place.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

yeah.. "nice Tesla, dude" doesn't have the same ring to it.

I agree with SouthernGal about the regional small-town-ness of it.

Removing the ops original comments from the thread, which has grown a bit from the original post, I think many good points have been mentioned that certainly give people something to think about.

 

[NotHisLady]

Indeed, and here's the thing: I don't know a single heterosexual man who compliments other strange men on the street. Many men in this discussion have said they would not do that and even find the idea strange (the irony of which appears to have gone completely over their heads). If the guys we're talking about were really just guileless do-gooders out to make the world a brighter place, I don't think that would be the case.

So plainly there's some other element at work here--

Could it possibly be that a man receiving a compliment FROM ANOTHER MAN equal to the ones the OP mentions offering to women might proceed to pop him one in the mouth?
Many men are threatened by the idea of being perceived as offering or receiving attention from other men. The real irony is that women don't seem to be bound by that same hang up.

 

[bailadora]

Well, this sure escalated overnight. From compliments to creepers to sexual predators.

There's a lot of people dropping the ball on the question posed "How to compliment a woman" and shifted focus to "How/When to be a creeper". I don't recall anyone at any time asking that question.

Hmm. As I read the thread, the OP asked if women would find his words creepy. Some responded that they would. The OP and some others expressed confusion as to how something that was meant to be a compliment could possibly be mistaken for anything but that, and wondered why would some women might be made to feel uncomfortable. Further explanation was offered. Several times.

To me, at least, the flow of this discussion has been perfectly logical.

To get back on point. As I eluded to in my first post, it is clear that there will always be different reactions to compliments that are beyond the control of the one that is giving said compliment. While some might have very negative feelings based on their own past, it is not the fault of a stranger that those past experiences happened to them.

I agree, it's not the fault of the stranger that those past experiences happened to the person he or she is trying to compliment. That said, if the purpose of the comment is to make the other person feel good, I would think you would want to be especially cognizant of how your words or your actions might be misconstrued.

Using your example of interaction between people of different ethnicity, I'm very careful of how I use the word "boy" around black people, most especially males. Whereas I might say, "Boy, you better cut that mess out and go sit down somewhere" in a joking manner to one of my Anglo friends, I would never say it around my black friends. This is due to the derogatory and negative connotations it has historically carried in the area of where I am from. Historically, it's been a way of trying to demean and devalue black males, suggesting that they were socially inferior to the person from whom the words came. In this day and age, while *I* know that is not how I intend the word to be conveyed, a black male who might be on the receiving end of it might not feel the same. That's not to say that all black men would interpret my words offensively, but I've also been told that enough would, and that it's probably best to just avoid the word except in cases where I am, in fact, discussing male children.

I've stated before that there is no way to please 100% of the people 100% of the time. That said, asking people (especially men) to be a little more aware of the collective negative experiences of women, and using that awareness to consider how their actions might be received isn't all that much to ask.

 

[Doog_kuron]

My thoughts, it's just not worth it. Often I've seen women who, in some respect I felt deserving of a verbal compliment. Maybe it's something she's wearing, maybe she has an especially dazzling smile, maybe it's something she did. Instead I bite my tongue, pass the compliment in my own head and get on with my day. In an age where an innocent and genuine compliment can be interpreted in a million different ways, many of which in a negative light, it's simply not worth the potential fall out. As the varied number of posts on this thread demonstrate, you really don't know how it's going to be taken.

 

[bailadora]

Could it possibly be that a man receiving a compliment FROM ANOTHER MAN equal to the ones the OP mentions offering to women might proceed to pop him one in the mouth?

Many men are threatened by the idea of being perceived as offering or receiving attention from other men. The real irony is that women don't seem to be bound by that same hang up.

To me, the irony is that those same men who might view such compliments from another man as unwelcome, sexually predatorial interest, are often baffled as to why some women might feel the same way.

 

[Bramblethorn]

There's a lot of people dropping the ball on the question posed "How to compliment a woman" and shifted focus to "How/When to be a creeper". I don't recall anyone at any time asking that question. But, since we're throwing out stats for fear mongering, I'd like to add that according to the U.S. Department of Justice (Source: https://www.ncjrs.gov/), nearly 3 out of 4 rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. So if fear mongering is your thing, you ladies best avoid your family, friends and co-workers, since they are way more dangerous than "us" strangers.

Tip for guys intending to give rape prevention/personal safety advice to women:

#1: Consider that women are very, very, very much aware of rape as a threat, and have probably been dealing with this threat and working out avoidance strategies since their teenage years, if not before. In other words, approach the conversation with the mindset that you're probably talking to somebody who knows a lot more about rape than you.
#2: With that in mind, ask yourself whether the Very Important Thing that you're about to tell them is likely to be anything they haven't already figured out/been told a dozen times/learned from real-life experience.
#3: Ask yourself whether the "advice" you're about to give them is something that's in any way practical or implementable. (Hint: "avoid having any family, friends, or co-workers" massively fails that test.)
#4: Ask yourself "is there actually any likelihood that me saying this thing will help reduce somebody's risk of rape? Or am I perhaps just hijacking an issue that's of real importance to other people, at a time when I don't really have anything to contribute, just so I can hear the sound of my own voice?"

To get back on point. As I eluded to in my first post, it is clear that there will always be different reactions to compliments that are beyond the control of the one that is giving said compliment. While some might have very negative feelings based on their own past, it is not the fault of a stranger that those past experiences happened to them.

Nobody here ever said it was. But it is the stranger's fault if they know that their chosen form of "compliment" makes some women uncomfortable and insist on doing it anyway. At that point you're essentially gambling with somebody else's comfort; if you choose to do that, you'd better take responsibility for the wins AND the losses.

has ever said it was. But I don't feel that anyone in this thread has been dismissive of the notion that some women have had traumatic experiences that give them cause for concern. All people should employ some manner of common sense regarding their own safety, however, that doesn't mean that everyone else should act a certain way for their benefit either.

"I'm not dismissive of the notion that peanuts make you ill, I just don't see why everyone else should be expected to stop putting peanuts in your food."

 

[Netzach]

Well, this sure escalated overnight. From compliments to creepers to sexual predators. Apparently freedom of speech is also sexism, I must have missed the memo on that one.

There's a lot of people dropping the ball on the question posed "How to compliment a woman" and shifted focus to "How/When to be a creeper". I don't recall anyone at any time asking that question. But, since we're throwing out stats for fear mongering, I'd like to add that according to the U.S. Department of Justice (Source: https://www.ncjrs.gov/), nearly 3 out of 4 rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. So if fear mongering is your thing, you ladies best avoid your family, friends and co-workers, since they are way more dangerous than "us" strangers. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not being dismissive of rape. Rape is real, murder is real, crime is real. But letting fear dictate your life invites paranoia and prejudice into your assumptions and expectations.

Consider this: In my life, the majority of my experiences with black people have not been positive. That isn't to say all, I have black friends and served with a significant number of black people in the military without incident. But from this logic of "crucify all because of the actions of some"...Should black people not be allowed to approach or speak with me, so as not to harass me? Maybe they should have to cross the street when they see me in their path, so that I can feel safer? Perhaps they should not be allowed in the establishments I use, so that I can feel more comfortable when I'm trying to eat at a restaurant? I don't know, something about all that seems wrong, but maybe it's just me.

To get back on point. As I eluded to in my first post, it is clear that there will always be different reactions to compliments that are beyond the control of the one that is giving said compliment. While some might have very negative feelings based on their own past, it is not the fault of a stranger that those past experiences happened to them. I don't feel that anyone in this thread has been dismissive of the notion that some women have had traumatic experiences that give them cause for concern. All people should employ some manner of common sense regarding their own safety, however, that doesn't mean that everyone else should act a certain way for their benefit either.

Thank you for mansplaining rape to everyone. I take it you've never really thought much about when a mugging goes down and the lead-ins that you will usually encounter, and things like overtures and openings, and at what point you can usually expect to be hit in the head.

Sexual violence isn't the only kind of stranger violence, and ANY un-necessary conversation with people you don't know without witnesses and outs is something you don't want. Men can usually assume these unwanted conversations are going nowhere good. Women are supposed to be psychic and know when to smile and when to run.

My Bronx levels of outgoing may not have made me a million friends, but I like my spidey sense.

Men with randy but not malicious intent make sure that there are people around and routes away and don't demand anything beyond giving me the information they so desperately need me to pay attention to.

No shit if I don't smile, no following me if I'm deciding that that day I don't hear them, no shock if I flip them the bird, no following me if I smile. The polite street harasser or self-expresser has the decency to fuck off fast not feel like he's doing anyone a favor.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

::blink::

::blink::

this might be a good time to interject some expert opinion..

 

[Paul_Chance]

::blink::

::blink::

this might be a good time to interject some expert opinion..

LOL - yes, that is how it works!

 

[bailadora]

"Most people don't listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply."

When are we going to be able to honestly discuss the unique challenges each gender faces, and try to understand with open minds, hearts, and compassion - instead of feeling a knee jerk reaction to defend our intentions?

I know I feel similarly when listening to or reading discussions regarding race relations. It's not a pleasant thing to consider that our actions, however innocuous we intend them to be, may cause someone else discomfort. But if we ever want things to be better, I would hope that more people would stop to consider that maybe, just maybe, there's some merit to the information being presented, even if it's not what you want to hear.

Call it idealistic, but I, for one would like a world where my son isn't automatically viewed with suspicion simply because he's a male. I would also like a world where my girls don't have to constantly be on guard, just in case that "nice guy" turns out to be not so nice. Until we can openly and honestly listen to and try to understand each other, I don't see that happening. And it makes me incredibly sad.

 

[Emerson40]

I would like to just thank all who have contributed thought, opinion, and their own experiences. I certainly hope I did not come across as dismissive or uncaring, and I hope none took offence.

This was a topic that went around the table last night with several friends, and without getting into specifics, I'll just say that this thread and some of the comments shared with friends has left me with some mixed feelings about the topic. Mainly though, I am saddened. I think it is an unfortunate and terrible thing that, in today's world, a woman leaves her home and feels under threat anytime a man gives her more than a passing glance, or makes a comment. I know that not all feel this way, and I am in no way being dismissive of comments made by some here, who deal with this on a regular basis.

Although the majority here feel the best is to keep quiet and reserve compliments for those you know, I think this only serves to make some (or most, according to some) feel less uncomfortable. Before anyone gets excited and accuses me of being dismissive, or not appreciating a woman's POV, I am not suggesting that men not keep their comments and compliments (at least when it comes to women not known to them) to themselves, only that this does not address or fix the larger problem. It is a band-aid solution, and does little to cure.

I'm not sure what the solution is, or even if there is one. I realize attitudes and behaviours need to change - with both men and women individually, and society as a whole - and this is no easy thing.

Thanks again everyone who has posted.

 

[satindesire]

Satin, my lovely friend, *snip*

The thing is we are not all the same. Do not assume. Ever. And you should more than likely keep that remark safely inside your head where it will do no harm.

J, I adore you, my darling! As always you are exactly right.

Indeed, and here's the thing: I don't know a single heterosexual man who compliments other strange men on the street. Many men in this discussion have said they would not do that and even find the idea strange (the irony of which appears to have gone completely over their heads). If the guys we're talking about were really just guileless do-gooders out to make the world a brighter place, I don't think that would be the case.

So plainly there's some other element at work here--presumably, that what they really want is to communicate their attraction to this stranger.

Exactly. If their intentions were completely pure and innocent, they'd compliment anyone instead of just women.

I agree, it's not the fault of the stranger that those past experiences happened to the person he or she is trying to compliment. That said, if the purpose of the comment is to make the other person feel good, I would think you would want to be especially cognizant of how your words or your actions might be misconstrued.

Using your example of interaction between people of different ethnicity, I'm very careful of how I use the word "boy" around black people, most especially males. Whereas I might say, "Boy, you better cut that mess out and go sit down somewhere" in a joking manner to one of my Anglo friends, I would never say it around my black friends. This is due to the derogatory and negative connotations it has historically carried in the area of where I am from. Historically, it's been a way of trying to demean and devalue black males, suggesting that they were they were socially inferior to the person from whom the words came. In this day and age, while *I* know that is not how I intend the word to be conveyed, a black male who might be on the receiving end of it might not feel the same. That's not to say that all black men would interpret my words offensively, but I've also been told that enough would, and that it's probably best to just avoid the word except in cases where I am, in fact, discussing male children.

I've stated before that there is no way to please 100% of the people 100% of the time. That said, asking people (especially men) to be a little more aware of the collective negative experiences of women, and using that awareness to consider how their actions might be received isn't all that much to ask.

Oh come now, that's just asking too much of these guys, apparently.

My thoughts, it's just not worth it. Often I've seen women who, in some respect I felt deserving of a verbal compliment. Maybe it's something she's wearing, maybe she has an especially dazzling smile, maybe it's something she did. Instead I bite my tongue, pass the compliment in my own head and get on with my day. In an age where an innocent and genuine compliment can be interpreted in a million different ways, many of which in a negative light, it's simply not worth the potential fall out. As the varied number of posts on this thread demonstrate, you really don't know how it's going to be taken.

That doesn't seem to negatively affect your life in any way, either, so good for you. I mean that truly.

Well, this sure escalated overnight. From compliments to creepers to sexual predators. Apparently freedom of speech is also sexism, I must have missed the memo on that one.

Only guys are allowed to practice freedom of speech, ladies. You heard it here first.

. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not being dismissive of rape.

Good job doing exactly what you said you weren't doing!

 

[satindesire]

"Most people don't listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply."

When are we going to be able to honestly discuss the unique challenges each gender faces, and try to understand with open minds, hearts, and compassion - instead of feeling a knee jerk reaction to defend our intentions?

I know I feel similarly when listening to or reading discussions regarding race relations. It's not a pleasant thing to consider that our actions, however innocuous we intend them to be, may cause someone else discomfort. But if we ever want things to be better, I would hope that more people would stop to consider that maybe, just maybe, there's some merit to the information being presented, even if it's not what you want to hear.

Call it idealistic, but I, for one would like a world where my son isn't automatically viewed with suspicion simply because he's a male. I would also like a world where my girls don't have to constantly be on guard, just in case that "nice guy" turns out to be not so nice. Until we can openly and honestly listen to and try to understand each other, I don't see that happening. And it makes me incredibly sad.

Exactly, good point.

Some people might roll their eyes when women point out when a man's being sexist, but why is that? Why not listen? Why not consider it? Is it really so easy to dismiss the lived experiences of millions of women world wide? Oh, what's that called again? OH RIGHT SEXISM.

But apparently only men have the freedom of speech to express themselves so as a woman I should probably pipe the fuck down, right?

 

[Lord Pmann]

Holy shit this thread picked up.

Random compliments for some women might work, for others it would not. I don't think it's a one sized fits all thing. If you're going to throw out compliments to randoms, you've got to consider that some will enjoy it, others will not. So be prepared for it to work sometimes (not often) and not work others (more often). Also, like it or not, it does matter how nice looking you are.

While I may seem like a compliment whore, I wouldn't receive it well from strangers, unless it was on my kickass clothes. I mean, I've just gotten used to that by this point. I'm not one who gets a lot of those types of compliments, but if I do, it weirds me out. I'm not offended, nor would I worry about it, but I don't prefer the compliments. Again, this happens as often as Haley's comet, so consider that for what it's worth.

 

[NightL]

How to compliment a woman

Is really how to initiate communication. Momentary or leading to a conversation or even beyond. There is actually no harm in that intent, after all humans are hard-wired to be social creatures are they not? Of course the process can be flawed, even not appreciated but the intent for the larger part is just what makes us social beings.

So to the opening question I repeat

try a pleasant smile.

is something to try first. A simple complementary offering unto itself or just the joy of a beautiful sunny day.

So a little common sense and respect is due in any first communication and indeed discussion of it. "Great tits" or "Damn what an arse" deserves all the contempt laid upon it and even in the discussion of that possibility.

For my part I enjoy sharing my celebration of life and offering of praise and compliments. If waiting staff (either gender) go about their jobs with efficiency yet pleasant and friendly manner, I will say "thank you" for the engagement and how much I appreciated their service. While I will leave a tip for that service I will compliment it verbally first. I will smile to the people I walk by in the street, say hello to strangers as I go by "what a beautiful day it is". If the smile is returned and I truly believe in the thought I may even say "oh by the way, that is a kick-arse hair cut" or "sensational jacket" as I continue on my way.

Common sense, courteous and respectful engagement - simple really.

May you all have a lovely and wonderful day.

 

[bailadora]

Some people might roll their eyes when women point out when a man's being sexist, but why is that? Why not listen? Why not consider it?

Because it challenges our perception of ourselves. For the most part, no one wants to think they're contributors to a problem, and being told that our actions, however innocuous the intention, are indeed part of the issue is not a good feeling. Because we want to retain our positive perception, our instinct is to reject that which challenges it.

I often have a similar knee jerk reaction when it comes discussions regarding race relations. There are times I look at something that's been put forth and think "Are you for real? What the hell is so offensive about that?" I have to curb an instinctive reaction to just dismiss it out of hand as the other person being overly sensitive. Sometimes, it really is just a case of someone being hypersensitive. But if enough people chime in with "me, too", then it's probably something I should give more thought to.

The thing about racism, and sexism, and a lot of other isms is that some of the ways they are employed are often so subtly insidious, we fail to recognize them for what they are. So to have those actions brought into the light, to be shown how I've been participating in something I say I'm against - it's a shock. But what I need to consider is that for as much as it disturbs me, how much more disturbing is it for the person who has lived those negative experiences, over, and over, and over again.

I'd like to say that in my many years (and some of those quite wayward ones) I have never once felt under threat by a man or anything he has said to me. Not once.

I wish I could say the same. But there were times I claimed having a significant other when I didn't, because I felt it was safer than outright refusing unwanted attention. There have been times I have walked with my keys sticking out between my knuckles, just in case I needed to defend myself. Once, while walking back to a hotel with my sister in law, and my mother in law (my mother in law!), I got propositioned. Even learning that I was married didn't deter my "suitor" - who opined his penis was probably larger than my spouse's.

For the most part though, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. In most cases, I've had perfectly pleasant experiences that have indeed brightened my day. But that doesn't mean there still isn't a small part of me that's shouting "Danger, danger, danger" until the interaction is complete.

Common sense, courteous and respectful engagement - simple really.

May you all have a lovely and wonderful day.

You know I'm crushing on you, yes?

 

[TamLin01]

Could it possibly be that a man receiving a compliment FROM ANOTHER MAN equal to the ones the OP mentions offering to women might proceed to pop him one in the mouth?

Probably. Which just goes to show precisely what I mean: Those so-called compliments are usually just come-ons.

 

[Hypoxia]

While I may seem like a compliment whore, I wouldn't receive it well from strangers, unless it was on my kickass clothes.

Being complimented on my kickass clothes by strangers works for me.

 

[unregistered]

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I have. In the customer service industry (retail stores and banks), as a younger J, I did have men offer up a lot of "compliments" that we're surely more for their benefit than mine. I used to joke about older men being attracted to curvy redheads. Only two times, I was scared. Once escalated to a male employee escorting an individual out of our bank branch and telling him he was not to try to see me any more. I only worked at that location for two more days due to worries for my safety and had security insist on walking me to and from the building. I moved back to my hometown after that, convinced I was on the verge of having a stalker. It all began with a creepy guy, although I didn't know that yet, complimenting me and me just saying, "thank you."

This brings up an interesting point. I have felt the need to call the police in at work. I have never considered it a male/female or sexist thing as much as a potential for violence that existed regardless the gender of people involved. It has happened with both male and female instigators that I have felt truly threatened. The issues are so related, partly because of the potential for people to use sex as a means for violence, that I believe it's easy to impact perception.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

[satindesire]

Also, my limited negative experiences have not led me to ascribe this behavior to all men. I do think many women who've experienced this and worse understandably do not give a shit if a random dude thinks they're beautiful.

I get the bulk of street harassment when I'm either walking to the grocery store or jogging.

As a woman with a body type that could be easily described as "pear shaped", a lot of the so-called "compliments" are things like, "Damn girl, you've got a big booty for a white girl!"

"You built like a thoroughbred shawty!"

"Hey pretty girl, you need a ride?"

"Nice legs mama!"

"Wanna take a bite outta dat ass baby!"

I especially find it disheartening/infuriating when I'm accosted while walking with my kids.

"Hey, those my babies? Want another one?"

I often feel afraid, threatened, even cornered when approached. I find that my experiences of hearing street harassment since I was 13 years old (I'm 30 now) have soured me to "innocent" compliments. I don't like talking to strange men and I hate being approached while I'm alone due to feeling scared or angry that someone's bothering me AGAIN.

It's not fun once it gets scary. And when it's scary so often, it stops being fun ALL the time.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

That's terrible and certainly explains your take on the situation.
I would not consider any of the examples you've provided to be compliments, especially if directed at me instead of to me.

 

[WhenInDoubtFuck]

Well that's not the same thing, is it?

Further, the question posed at the opening was about attractive looking women, not women with nice cars.

So would cute outfit or nice shoes (said to a woman) not count either? Yes, the OP did cite an example of a compliment on beauty, but I hope we're not limiting things to that. Forgive me if I think compliments can be given for things beyond just aesthetic beauty.

Thank you for mansplaining rape to everyone. I take it you've never really thought much about when a mugging goes down and the lead-ins that you will usually encounter, and things like overtures and openings, and at what point you can usually expect to be hit in the head.

Sexual violence isn't the only kind of stranger violence, and ANY un-necessary conversation with people you don't know without witnesses and outs is something you don't want. Men can usually assume these unwanted conversations are going nowhere good. Women are supposed to be psychic and know when to smile and when to run.

My Bronx levels of outgoing may not have made me a million friends, but I like my spidey sense.

<snip>

How is discussing crime statistics equal "mansplaining rape"? If a woman had stated them, would it hold more meaning for you? Are you implying in some way that rape is exclusively a problem for women? Sexual violence isn't the only kind of stranger violence, and stranger violence isn't the only type of violence in general. There's no reason a person can't be cautious or take measures to safeguard their own life, but there is no justification for people to use their personal fears to promote prejudice or hate against any group of people.

As a matter of fact, I am familiar with the dynamics of a crime. I worked in law enforcement for a brief while after my time in the Navy. I also received law enforcement training during active duty, as part of an assignment I was given after 9/11. I may not be from The Bronx, but I've been to places much worse and served with people who have seen worse than I. I don't consider myself more tough or wise for having been there, just lucky and grateful that I made it home safely.

<snip>

Only guys are allowed to practice freedom of speech, ladies. You heard it here first.
<snip>

Uh oh, looks like someone is going back to re-write her posts. It's a start, I'll take it. Thank you satindesire.