How to compliment a woman

[Emerson40]

I don't think there's any "male agenda" in the sense that the Grand Cabal of Dudes gets together and agrees on ways to objectify women and then sends out the Dude Newsletter telling each guy his role in that plan.

But if you've ever watched ants or bees at work you'll know that sometimes a group collectively behaves toward a certain purpose even if no one member consciously plans it that way or is even capable of comprehending that purpose.

Sure, there are men who don't contribute to that phenomenon. But there are plenty who do, and that creates a problem for women. When a woman attempts to discuss that problem and talk about how certain behaviour by men feeds into it, NOT ALL MEN is about as helpful as "well what about the bees who AREN'T trying to sting you?"

(And, yes, there certainly are women who play a part in objectification. But the OP is a guy who was asking for advice on his own actions, so maybe we could save that for another thread?)



Sure. But women - especially strangers who've never met you before - are not telepathic. They don't know whether this particular strange guy is just trying to be nice, or whether he's a creeper.



Yep, different people have different tolerances. That has a lot to do with different life experiences, different personal contexts (e.g. whether you're white can have a big impact on how sexism does or doesn't affect you) and different attitudes towards things like risk decisions. I think it's fair to say that quite a lot of women would be okay with these compliments.

But is "quite a lot of women" good enough here?

Imagine if instead of asking about complimenting women, the OP had shown up to ask if it was okay to hand out cookies to kids at the local playground. If nine parents responded "sure, fine by me" and one said "don't you fucking do that, I don't want strangers approaching my kids and I don't know whether those cookies are safe", would you just say "oh well, nine out of ten is good enough?"

(The difference is that if you go handing out cookies to strangers' kids, somebody is likely to call the cops; if you make a woman uncomfortable with unwelcome personal remarks, it's quite likely she won't say anything about it, because complaining is more likely to lead to mansplaining or outright hostility than to get a positive reaction.)



I don't think Dyslexicea's comments were as general as you're making out. She specifically said that she herself appreciated compliments on her appearance in some circumstances but found them creepy in others, so let's not build a straw man here.

I'd also like to emphasise that "would EVERY woman be creeped out by this behaviour?" is the wrong standard. If nine women are okay with it and the tenth finds it creepy, then the correct response is not "nine out of ten is good enough" but "let's find a different way to compliment people that works for the tenth as well".

The conformity and swarming of bees and ants? Seriously?

I was talking about people. Living, breathing, thinking folks, capable of independent thought, speaking, hearing, and even ignoring the words of another person. Individuals, not some tow-the-line worker drones.

Your analogy about cookies to kids in the playground would perhaps be more apt if we were discussing adult men leering at, and making suggestive "compliments" to children, but this was not the case. I was speaking directly to the post I referenced, not referencing the OP, which is where I think your analogy was directed.

As to the nine out of ten reference, I don't know. If nine out of ten women found a compliment received to be socially acceptable, appropriate to the situation, and delivered in an affable manner, and one found the same uncomfortable, I would want to know what was going on with the tenth woman. I think assimilating words, actions, and language in order to mollify every individual in a society sounds less utopian, and more like an ant colony.

I am not excusing bad behavior, or saying "suck it up buttercup" to those who are made uncomfortable by the words or actions of others. I think we need to change the attitudes and actions of those who make others uncomfortable with behaviors that are not appropriate, not eliminate or say that all behavior is unacceptable. What I was trying to say (and you alluded to this as well), is that our society is made up of a diverse and varied bunch of boys and girls, and it is wrong to say every apple in the orchard contains a bad seed, just because there are a few wormy and bruised ones found among the bushels.


Sorry Bramblethorn, I think you and I will have to agree to disagree.

 

[Emerson40]

With your left hand touch the tip of your index finger to the tip of your thumb, forming a small circle. Then take your right hand and move your right index finger back and forth in and out of the circle on your left hand. Stand in her field of vision doing that until she looks up and notices. When she realizes what you're doing, say to her, "You know what that is? That's you and me later."

I think you were looking for the Complement Thread.

This is the Compliment Thread.

 

[satindesire]

The conformity and swarming of bees and ants? Seriously?

I was talking about people. Living, breathing, thinking folks, capable of independent thought, speaking, hearing, and even ignoring the words of another person. Individuals, not some tow-the-line worker drones.

Your analogy about cookies to kids in the playground would perhaps be more apt if we were discussing adult men leering at, and making suggestive "compliments" to children, but this was not the case. I was speaking directly to the post I referenced, not referencing the OP, which is where I think your analogy was directed.

As to the nine out of ten reference, I don't know. If nine out of ten women found a compliment received to be socially acceptable, appropriate to the situation, and delivered in an affable manner, and one found the same uncomfortable, I would want to know what was going on with the tenth woman. I think assimilating words, actions, and language in order to mollify every individual in a society sounds less utopian, and more like an ant colony.

I am not excusing bad behavior, or saying "suck it up buttercup" to those who are made uncomfortable by the words or actions of others. I think we need to change the attitudes and actions of those who make others uncomfortable with behaviors that are not appropriate, not eliminate or say that all behavior is unacceptable. What I was trying to say (and you alluded to this as well), is that our society is made up of a diverse and varied bunch of boys and girls, and it is wrong to say every apple in the orchard contains a bad seed, just because there are a few wormy and bruised ones found among the bushels.


Sorry Bramblethorn, I think you and I will have to agree to disagree.

I would venture a guess in saying that maybe instead of asking "What's wrong" with being uncomfortable about strange men approaching a woman with what she's learned is potentially life-threatening behavior, you and everyone else should read this:

http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/g...pproaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/

You personally may be able to easily dismiss compliments and go about your day, but many women have learned from experience that compliments are not always, or even usually, totally innocent.

http://jezebel.com/woman-confronts-catcallers-and-secretly-films-their-rea-1608516447

Aren't you wondering why this guy is so hell-bent on talking to strange women that he doesn't know? These types of threads come up all the time on Fetlife, and universally the guy is told, it's safer to keep your opinions to yourself. Many women find this behavior threatening because we have been taught by YEARS of experience being approached by DOZENS of men that they want something from us.

He's determined to have people justify his NEED to compliment strange women. Why? What does this do for him? What is he getting out of it? He obviously expects something, whether it's gratitude, sex, or a relationship, or SOMETHING, and he is entitled to exactly ZERO of these things. You wouldn't guess that from the way men in here are acting, though. Even though so many women have flat out said "keep it to yourself, because of these VERY GOOD reasons, the dudes in here have completely dismissed the opinions of THE VERY SAME PEOPLE THEY WANT TO TALK TO.

You can also dismiss the sexism prevalent in our society that makes men think they're entitled to say/do whatever they want to women REGARDLESS of how uncomfortable or even downright THREATENING that behavior is, but that doesn't make you right.

Men and women aren't ants, no. But sexism and male entitlement doesn't form in a vacuum. And just like all problems with society today, it takes knowledge, education and a willingness to accept your role in it in order to change it. None of these men have been willing to listen to what we have to say or accept their role in continuing sexism against women.

When 811 women were polled about street harassment: 80% of the 811 women Holly Kearl surveyed who said they constantly have to look over their shoulder. The 50% who have to cross the street and find alternate paths to their ultimate destinations. The 45% who feel as if they can’t go in public alone and the 26% who feel as if they have to lie about a significant other to get perpetrators to leave them alone. The 19% who had to move and the 9% who needed to completely change jobs just to avoid street harassment. And if the rejection pisses you off, take it out on the harassers and get involved.


In my own personal experience, I cannot even leave my house without being harassed or approached. I live in a small town in the middle of the bible belt and I'm not a perfect 10. That has nothing to do with where I live or what I look like, it has to do with the fact that the men who say things to me do so because they don't stop to consider whether or not their comments are welcome.

As it was said above, human beings are not telepathic! A woman has NO WAY of knowing that a strange man is approaching her to tell her she's pretty, or if he's going to be her next stalker, rapist, or a murderer, whatever. I've said this before, these reactions don't happen for no reason. Women learn to be afraid because we're taught to be afraid by men who approach us in threatening ways, for nefarious purposes, because they feel entitled to women's bodies.

Those numbers are not ONE IN TEN.

My next paragraph is to -everyone-

Instead of getting pissy with women who find harassment threatening, focus your anger on the harassers and do your part to fix the problem, instead of trying to convince women that have learned through experience that it's dangerous when men approach them, that THEY (the women) are the problem, and not the world's attitude towards women today.

You do not have to approach women to go about your day. You will not ever find a way to make all women comfortable and happy when you approach them. If you dismiss and ignore the comments from women in this thread and in the links you've been given, YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM.

Be part of the solution instead.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Seriously? You're moving from "you look nice today" to the level of a sexual predator. I don't believe the op was asking how he can lure innocent women into a dark alley.. I believe he was wondering why sometimes it is ok and sometimes it is not.

It's fine to compliment another human. It doesn't need to be gender specific. I've certainly looked at a man before and commented about his nice tie or his running shoes. It doesn't necessarily mean that I've pictured myself being bound to the four poster with the silk around his neck (except for that one time)

to the op - if it is a socially created opportunity, you're standing in line at the grocery store or you happen to be roaming the same aisle at the bookstore, I think it's perfectly fine to compliment someone. You can always add, "my wife would love that handbag" to ensure that you're not some CSI copycat killer. Saying something in passing catches people off guard and, I think, makes people a little more defensive.

 

[satindesire]

Seriously? You're moving from "you look nice today" to the level of a sexual predator. I don't believe the op was asking how he can lure innocent women into a dark alley.. I believe he was wondering why sometimes it is ok and sometimes it is not.

And they were told why it wasn't. By multiple women.

However, the ease in which those facts were dismissed is, again, disheartening and a symptom of the prevalence of sexism today.

Some men who approach women to compliment them are not innocent. Some of them ARE looking to drag women into a dark alley. Some want a relationship or sex. Some want gratitude. Almost all of them want SOMETHING. And once again, they are ENTITLED to nothing. Women don't OWE anyone, anything.

 

[Bramblethorn]

The conformity and swarming of bees and ants? Seriously?

I was talking about people. Living, breathing, thinking folks, capable of independent thought, speaking, hearing, and even ignoring the words of another person. Individuals, not some tow-the-line worker drones.

...who are just as capable as insects of displaying emergent behaviour. Group psychology quite often leads people to behave in ways that are not consistent with the values they profess as individuals. See e.g. Zimbardo.

As to the nine out of ten reference, I don't know. If nine out of ten women found a compliment received to be socially acceptable, appropriate to the situation, and delivered in an affable manner, and one found the same uncomfortable, I would want to know what was going on with the tenth woman.

"Want to know" is fine, but I'd just like to make sure we're clear on the fact that you don't have a right to know her reasons. If she's uncomfortable with a "compliment" of that form, that should be respected, even if she doesn't feel like discussing it with you.

I think assimilating words, actions, and language in order to mollify every individual in a society sounds less utopian, and more like an ant colony.

I don't believe everything we do ought to be calculated to please others, no.

But when it comes to compliments, "pleasing others" is the whole point. More than one woman in this thread has already made it clear that she doesn't want to be complimented in the way that the OP described. Given that there are other ways to compliment people that have far less risk of causing discomfort... why do it?

Unless the point is not about making the recipient feel good... in which case, it's not really much of a "compliment" any more.

I am not excusing bad behavior, or saying "suck it up buttercup" to those who are made uncomfortable by the words or actions of others. I think we need to change the attitudes and actions of those who make others uncomfortable with behaviors that are not appropriate, not eliminate or say that all behavior is unacceptable. What I was trying to say (and you alluded to this as well), is that our society is made up of a diverse and varied bunch of boys and girls, and it is wrong to say every apple in the orchard contains a bad seed, just because there are a few wormy and bruised ones found among the bushels.

Uh-huh. But by the same token, it's not OK to say "well that other woman didn't mind, so you shouldn't".

 

[GiggLeGasm]

And they were told why it wasn't. By multiple women.

However, the ease in which those facts were dismissed is, again, disheartening and a symptom of the prevalence of sexism today.

Some men who approach women to compliment them are not innocent. Some of them ARE looking to drag women into a dark alley. Some want a relationship or sex. Some want gratitude. Almost all of them want SOMETHING. And once again, they are ENTITLED to nothing. Women don't OWE anyone, anything.

I am not advocating street harassment. I am suggesting that there is a difference between a compliment and harassment. Even Holly Kearl (your reference / hollykearl.com) described this activity as:
honked or whistled
a sexually explicit comment
followed you
touched or grabbed you in a sexual way

I agree that women deserve to feel safe when they walk down the street. I still would argue that a balanced person (man or woman) should be able to discern between a verbal assault and a compliment.

Uh-huh. But by the same token, it's not OK to say "well that other woman didn't mind, so you shouldn't". ~ Bramble

and that. that's good.

 

[Historiagraphour]

I've been following this discussion for a couple of days now and just thought I'd add my 2p...

In the end, the purpose of a compliment, if purely given, is to make the recipient of that compliment feel good. If, for whatever reason, the recipient of the compliment leaves the interaction feeling creeped out or put upon, then regardless of the giver's intentions, it failed in its purpose.

I do think that because women are all individuals, they will all have different reactions to receiving flattery from a stranger. Although it may not be perceived as 'fair' by people who just really want to tell someone that they look nice in an attempt to brighten their day, the safest bet is to just refrain from giving compliments to people you don't know. After all, if your motives were pure to begin with and you intended the flattery to brighten the recipient's day and it doesn't, you both end up leaving the interaction feeling worse than you would have if you'd just kept it to yourself.

As a woman who has had my fair share of experiences of random men coming up to me in public, you do grow wary after a while. It's not that all men say disgusting or threatening things (I've had just as many 'I just wanted to tell you that you have a lovely smile' comments as I've had 'Nǐhǎo ma? Wǒ ài nǐ' and 'Hiya, darling, has anyone ever told you that you've got a fantastic arse?' comments) but the bad experiences do tend to sour the not-so-bad ones. Too, most women don't like being talked about as if we're a piece of meat. It's degrading.

That said, I doubt this will change anyone's mind if they honestly don't see that accosting a stranger to make some kind of personal comment can make that stranger feel gross or diminished rather than uplifted, so I will end by saying this: if you feel that you absolutely must give random women compliments, then make them specific rather than general. Do not ever comment on her body because it automatically triggers the 'Ugh' reaction in most women.

But, even then, she may still not react favourably to your words and that is her right. There's no law that requires people to flatter people they don't know nor is there one that requires women to be grateful for being singled out for that flattery. Again, it's best to err on the side of caution here and just keep it to yourself, or save your flattery for the women in your life who you do know. They know that you're not a creep and will actually appreciate the effort you're making to brighten their day.

 

[satindesire]

I am not advocating street harassment. I am suggesting that there is a difference between a compliment and harassment. Even Holly Kearl (your reference / hollykearl.com) described this activity as:
honked or whistled
a sexually explicit comment
followed you
touched or grabbed you in a sexual way

I agree that women deserve to feel safe when they walk down the street. I still would argue that a balanced person (man or woman) should be able to discern between a verbal assault and a compliment.

Sexual and street harassment is also said to encompass a wide variety of behaviors such as making crude jokes, offensive statements about that person's gender, and unwelcome compliments.

You can argue that a 'balanced" person can tell the difference between verbal assault and a compliment, but it the compliment is unwelcome, it's still going to be viewed as harassment and your opinion of how "balanced" that person is is just that...an OPINION. And a pretty insulting one at that. Many perfectly sane women just want to get through their day without being accosted by a strange man no matter how innocent his intentions are.

That should be ENOUGH to make them think twice. But it hasn't been, so far.

 

[satindesire]

In the end, the purpose of a compliment, if purely given, is to make the recipient of that compliment feel good. If, for whatever reason, the recipient of the compliment leaves the interaction feeling creeped out or put upon, then regardless of the giver's intentions, it failed in its purpose.

I do think that because women are all individuals, they will all have different reactions to receiving flattery from a stranger. Although it may not be perceived as 'fair' by people who just really want to tell someone that they look nice in an attempt to brighten their day, the safest bet is to just refrain from giving compliments to people you don't know. After all, if your motives were pure to begin with and you intended the flattery to brighten the recipient's day and it doesn't, you both end up leaving the interaction feeling worse than you would have if you'd just kept it to yourself.

This is exactly the point many women have gone out of their way to try and explain. But people constantly dismiss/ignore this, on accusations that the women are not mentally all there, or "butch men hating lesbians" if they reject men's compliments, which makes me point out the argument that I did in previous posts-most dudes do things like this feeling ENTITLED to a woman's XYZ, whether it's her sex, a relationship, her gratitude, and if a woman doesn't "give" him what he's "owed", she's attacked as mannish or hysterical.

It's ridiculous and sexist. The fact that other women are doing it to just ties into how far sexism can ingrain itself in a person.

 

[unregistered]

 

[Netzach]

Living in NYC I got way more of this than I do in the Midwest. That's one of the good parts of rounding out and getting old for me, but I also think it's cultural.

For me the definition of "is it gross or is it just interaction" is whether or not I feel like it's completely up to me to engage or not. It has nothing to do with level of obscenity or attractiveness of the other person.

It's not about what gets said.

A drive by "AW FUCK YEAH! and a look at my ass actually gives me a little lift, while some co-worker telling me how awesome my watch is can be really REALLY creepy if I feel obligated to get into any kind of extended interaction and it's OBVIOUS that "nice watch" is really "nice tits." Getting rid of him is my problem. Drive-by removes himself from my world as quickly as he entered it! Yay. He really was simply inspired by my big butt.

If someone actually told me face to face that he feels the compulsion to compliment women to get them to remain committed to looking pretty, he is instantly at the bottom of the fuckin' sleazy barrel. If he's just failing to edit the dick-brain messaging verbally, that's LESS creepy. Way way way less creepy.

Living in NYC I honestly feel like low-level street harassment is a metro-stunted attempt at connection, communication, and positive interaction when most guys do it. Those are things in short supply.

This theory ONLY applies when it's done in a way that does NOT demand extended attention. The construction guy making kissing sounds at my ass is more bored than anything else. It's not my favorite thing in the world, but it's also not hugely problematic either, I'm pretty certain he's not going to rape me on 43d and fifth during lunch rush and he's on to the next ass in seconds. Put us both in no-man's land under an elevated train with no one around and he is now a massive cock for doing that thing and knows it. There is now no reason to do that other than to creep me and put me in fight or flight. So context is king.

I'm not telling anyone else what to feel - the fact that for other people this becomes a serious and debilitating loss of private space means that it does suck, but for me I can't describe it as that kind of experience. It's complicated. But the "nicest" and "politest" versions are often the absolute worst. Those are the ones that linger around, tell me how to react, and get in my face.

 

[bailadora]

. I believe he was wondering why sometimes it is ok and sometimes it is not.

I think it's been pointed out several times why his words could be misconstrued.

This is starting to remind me of all the #notallmen/#yesallwomen thing that happened in the wake of the shootings in Santa Barbara earlier this year. Wherein thousands upon thousands of women took to social media to describe negative behavior they're on the often on the receiving end of, that either makes them feel devalued and/or threatened as they go about their daily lives. By the sheer number of anecdotes that were shared, I think it's safe to say that it's a common enough experience among women, such that a great many women develop a wariness or shield when approached by a man she doesn't know.

While we're intelligent enough to recognize that not all men have negative intentions, enough women have had so many bad experiences that a defensive stance is often an instinctive reaction.

Does it suck for the truly good men out there, who only want to brighten someone's day? Hell, yes! I have a son, whom I hope, and am trying my damnedest to rear into a respectful, fine young man. It makes me angry to know that he will sometimes be viewed with suspicion simply because he's a male.

But, I also have two daughters, and it makes me equally as angry to know that they will most likely have to fend off unwanted attention from some men who use the "nice guy" approach as an opening gambit, only to have it turn ugly when rebuffed.

It isn't fair, but it IS the reality experienced by a great many women. Instead of being dismissive of what you're being told, I think the well-intentioned and good hearted men who are either participating in, or reading this thread should take it to heart, and as much as you are able, try to understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of that.

Look, we're all human, and there's no way you're going to please 100% of the people 100% of the time. But the lesson to be taken away here, is that if you need/want to compliment someone, very carefully consider your environment as well as the words you use. Otherwise, the gift you tried to give to someone may, in fact, have the opposite effect of what you hoped for.

 

[Netzach]

This would be my how to woman:

If you want to compliment a rando - why? Are you trying to get a phone number, just give her yours. Quickly, politely, and CEASE INTERACTION if she says no or looks uncomfortable that you're even talking to her. You know what that looks like, don't play stupid. You do know your likelihood of getting anywhere with her is negative digits, right?

If you're not trying to get a number and you earnestly JUST WANT TO SPREAD THE PEACE AND LOVE, just chill and keep your nose in your own business. Smile once quickly and if you get anything other than a nice real one back, LEAVE HER ALONE.

If you know her, do it with other people around, and do it offhandedly. If you're near her and another woman, it's likely that they will compliment one another at some point, and that's your opportunity - it now has relevance, and it's not pulled from your ass. Make sure this is an open conversation and you're not just barging in on two women talking because how can you NOT be important to them? Be nice to her friend too, she's noticing whether you are oblivious to all women you don't want to fuck.

If you are interested in a woman you interact with regularly , having a conversation with her is WAY more effective than "gee you look great today!" That's a nice thing to say to people you DO know. Find out what she actually gives a shit about in life and engage that first. A) it's higher human karma score and B) It is WAY more effective over anything else you could do.

 

[satindesire]

I think it's been pointed out several times why his words could be misconstrued.

This is starting to remind me of all the #notallmen/#yesallwomen thing that happened in the wake of the shootings in Santa Barbara earlier this year. Wherein thousands upon thousands of women took to social media to describe negative behavior they're on the often on the receiving end of, that either makes them feel devalued and/or threatened as they go about their daily lives. By the sheer number of anecdotes that were shared, I think it's safe to say that it's a common enough experience among women, such that a great many women develop a wariness or shield when approached by a man she doesn't know.

While we're intelligent enough to recognize that not all men have negative intentions, enough women have had so many bad experiences that a defensive stance is often an instinctive reaction.

Does it suck for the truly good men out there, who only want to brighten someone's day? Hell, yes! I have a son, whom I hope, and am trying my damnedest to rear into a respectful, fine young man. It makes me angry to know that he will sometimes be viewed with suspicion simply because he's a male.

But, I also have two daughters, and it makes me equally as angry to know that they will most likely have to fend off unwanted attention from some men who use the "nice guy" approach as an opening gambit, only to have it turn ugly when rebuffed.

It isn't fair, but it IS the reality experienced by a great many women. Instead of being dismissive of what you're being told, I think the well-intentioned and good hearted men who are either participating in, or reading this thread should take it to heart, and as much as you are able, try to understand what it's like to be on the receiving end of that.

Look, we're all human, and there's no way you're going to please 100% of the people 100% of the time. But the lesson to be taken away here, is that if you need/want to compliment someone, very carefully consider your environment as well as the words you use. Otherwise, the gift you tried to give to someone may, in fact, have the opposite effect of what you hoped for.

 

[MeekMe]

There's a reason I have a cutely disguised shank on my key ring. Or that I have kitestring in my favorites. Or that my friends ask me to text or call that I made it home safely.

It doesn't always come off as creepy when someone tries to compliment me. But more often than not I've been creeped out. Call me paranoid if you want.

 

[southern_gal]

Maybe it's just me, maybe it's where I live, I live in the deep south, maybe I am naive but I get compliments from time to time and I appreciate them. It might be something as simple as someone saying they like the shade of makeup I am wearing or an outfit or whatever but I have seldom ever felt threatened. Like I said, it might be that folks are just nicer and more polite where I live. Now if I had someone following me around and looking really creepy I would not take any chances so hopefully I am not naive in my thinking.

 

[JerseyPrincess]

I think if you honestly mean the compliment it isnt creepy. I appreciate someone telling me I look nice or am attractive. I am the first person to complement someone on something and I have, but have only recently had the guts to actually say something. I think that is part of the reason I frequent Lit...because people here are not afraid to express themselves here. Most people in rl will not do that and I know I feel good knowing someone finds me attractive

 

[TamLin01]

In the end, the purpose of a compliment, if purely given, is to make the recipient of that compliment feel good. If, for whatever reason, the recipient of the compliment leaves the interaction feeling creeped out or put upon, then regardless of the giver's intentions, it failed in its purpose.

Indeed, and here's the thing: I don't know a single heterosexual man who compliments other strange men on the street. Many men in this discussion have said they would not do that and even find the idea strange (the irony of which appears to have gone completely over their heads). If the guys we're talking about were really just guileless do-gooders out to make the world a brighter place, I don't think that would be the case.

So plainly there's some other element at work here--presumably, that what they really want is to communicate their attraction to this stranger. The "compliment" is not actually about the recipient at all, it's about the person giving it, a way of communicating information about the giver rather than being an observation about the receiver. I mean, am I wrong? If these same dudes go around complimenting other straight men as well as, say, old ladies, retired dudes, family members, etc, roughly as often, then perhaps I'm wrong about those particular guys. But in most cases, I don't think I am.

And, hey, we're all human. Most of us think and feel the same things when we see a good-looking person of the opposite sex (or the same, in some cases). But you can't expect whoever that person to always want to hear about it.

 

[WhenInDoubtFuck]

Well, this sure escalated overnight. From compliments to creepers to sexual predators. Apparently freedom of speech is also sexism, I must have missed the memo on that one.

There's a lot of people dropping the ball on the question posed "How to compliment a woman" and shifted focus to "How/When to be a creeper". I don't recall anyone at any time asking that question. But, since we're throwing out stats for fear mongering, I'd like to add that according to the U.S. Department of Justice (Source: https://www.ncjrs.gov/), nearly 3 out of 4 rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. So if fear mongering is your thing, you ladies best avoid your family, friends and co-workers, since they are way more dangerous than "us" strangers. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not being dismissive of rape. Rape is real, murder is real, crime is real. But letting fear dictate your life invites paranoia and prejudice into your assumptions and expectations.

Consider this: In my life, the majority of my experiences with black people have not been positive. That isn't to say all, I have black friends and served with a significant number of black people in the military without incident. But from this logic of "crucify all because of the actions of some"...Should black people not be allowed to approach or speak with me, so as not to harass me? Maybe they should have to cross the street when they see me in their path, so that I can feel safer? Perhaps they should not be allowed in the establishments I use, so that I can feel more comfortable when I'm trying to eat at a restaurant? I don't know, something about all that seems wrong, but maybe it's just me.

To get back on point. As I eluded to in my first post, it is clear that there will always be different reactions to compliments that are beyond the control of the one that is giving said compliment. While some might have very negative feelings based on their own past, it is not the fault of a stranger that those past experiences happened to them. I don't feel that anyone in this thread has been dismissive of the notion that some women have had traumatic experiences that give them cause for concern. All people should employ some manner of common sense regarding their own safety, however, that doesn't mean that everyone else should act a certain way for their benefit either.

 

[WhenInDoubtFuck]

Indeed, and here's the thing: I don't know a single heterosexual man who compliments other strange men on the street. Many men in this discussion have said they would not do that and even find the idea strange (the irony of which appears to have gone completely over their heads). If the guys we're talking about were really just guileless do-gooders out to make the world a brighter place, I don't think that would be the case.

So plainly there's some other element at work here--presumably, that what they really want is to communicate their attraction to this stranger. The "compliment" is not actually about the recipient at all, it's about the person giving it, a way of communicating information about the giver rather than being an observation about the receiver. I mean, am I wrong? If these same dudes go around complimenting other straight men as well as, say, old ladies, retired dudes, family members, etc, roughly as often, then perhaps I'm wrong about those particular guys. But in most cases, I don't think I am.

And, hey, we're all human. Most of us think and feel the same things when we see a good-looking person of the opposite sex (or the same, in some cases). But you can't expect whoever that person to always want to hear about it.

Really? Not a single one? Perhaps that says more about the types of people you associate with, rather than saying something about "all men". While I may not compliment on his beauty, I have no issue paying another guy a compliment. "Hey bro, nice car" or "Yo dude, cool t-shirt" (No, I don't actually speak like that). It's a fallacy of several posters in this thread that compliments are all about beauty, or that attraction is always about physical attraction.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Hi. My name is Paul. I compliment random men as well. I am serial complimenter. Once in a very great while, someone reacts poorly in which case, I just apologize and move on. I've also received random compliments from men and women and accept them graciously. I live in California, so it is possible I live in a different universe.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

"nice dice"

 

[southern_gal]

Hi. My name is Paul. I compliment random men as well. I am serial complimenter. Once in a very great while, someone reacts poorly in which case, I just apologize and move on. I've also received random compliments from men and women and accept them graciously. I live in California, so it is possible I live in a different universe.

See that's what I was talking about. When you live in an area where people are easy to talk to ......and like to talk, it happens more than you know. I seldom take offense and when I look at the person saying something nice to me it's usually obvious they are sincere and it makes me feel better about things in general.

 

[Paul_Chance]

"nice dice"

Why thank you for noticing. It's all about the edges!