how to tell if a guy is a sub

[Corbal]

My definition differs. Not better, or worse, just different.

Please feel free to stick your nose in the air and roll your eyes at me, too. It won't bother me in the slightest.

And thank you for proving my point.

And... why do you think I'd do that? Everyone has their own views of such things. My first post was smartassery, purposefully so. I've not read any of your prior posts therefore I'm unsure what your point is/was.

 

[JMohegan]

And... why do you think I'd do that? Everyone has their own views of such things. My first post was smartassery, purposefully so. I've not read any of your prior posts therefore I'm unsure what your point is/was.

I think you'd "do that" because your "first post was smartassery, purposefully so." From which I infer that's your M.O.

 

[teknight]

I think you'd "do that" because your "first post was smartassery, purposefully so." From which I infer that's your M.O.

What's wrong with being a smartass?
And why draw a conclusion based on a single observation?

As for the thread: jeeze, labels. If only they were actual labels, then people might agree if the guy's a dom or a SUB (see what I did there?). However, labels don't actually exist- it's all subjective.

OP: it seems to me like you've already made up your mind, but I don't know you, so I might well be wrong. I will say this (as this is my particular bent on the whole thing): behavior can be changed, and (perhaps superficially) being a dom/SUB is a question of how you behave.

 

[Corbal]

I think you'd "do that" because your "first post was smartassery, purposefully so." From which I infer that's your M.O.

Proving you wrong made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

What's wrong with being a smartass?
And why draw a conclusion based on a single observation?

As for the thread: jeeze, labels. If only they were actual labels, then people might agree if the guy's a dom or a SUB (see what I did there?). However, labels don't actually exist- it's all subjective.

OP: it seems to me like you've already made up your mind, but I don't know you, so I might well be wrong. I will say this (as this is my particular bent on the whole thing): behavior can be changed, and (perhaps superficially) being a dom/SUB is a question of how you behave.

Go to your room! I have panties there... lacy ones.

 

[sweet_lusciousdesire]

interesting

I'm thinking it would depend on how sexually adventursome he is. Subtlely find out if he likes porn, or what his wildest sexual fantasy might be, or what turns him on the most, or what excites him. He could just be a nice guy, and kinda a sexual, you never, but you'll soon be able to tell by his reactions to comments you make about what you see around you. Let's say you saw a tranie, you might ask, Would you ever wear heals, on a dare? Just watch how he reacts and you'll have your answer.

 

[JMohegan]

Proving you wrong made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

A cat fits, no question.

 

[Hamnder20]

I still say he's possibly just a higher class of man than you're used to.

I agree with CutieMouse that he could just be a caring guy. I would consider myself caring and I'm enjoy pleasing my wife. To be honest we haven't done anything Dom Sub like and I don't know if we will or need to yet. I can't say I would have the attention span necessary to do anything prolonged and I'm definitely not into pain.

But I do enjoy sometimes her withholding while we're together. Sometimes having her deny something I really want until she knows I can take it anymore then letting me have it.

You could always just explore it slowly. Try denial/delaying some things and telling him to wait. Be patient perhaps playfully see how he responds and if it goes well keep progressing until either you either hit a red light or a green light. A sneaky dom.

 

[Corbal]

I'm thinking it would depend on how sexually adventursome he is. Subtlely find out if he likes porn, or what his wildest sexual fantasy might be, or what turns him on the most, or what excites him. He could just be a nice guy, and kinda a sexual, you never, but you'll soon be able to tell by his reactions to comments you make about what you see around you. Let's say you saw a tranie, you might ask, Would you ever wear heals, on a dare? Just watch how he reacts and you'll have your answer.

Are you insinuating all submissive men desire to wear high heeled shoes?

A cat fits, no question.

Hush. We have a promising post above us.

 

[DVS]

Okay, I must sound like I'm either being intentionally obtuse or just airheaded, I'm not sure which.

This guy is in my circle of friends. He knows almost everyone I know. If I come out and ask, 'are you a sub?' or something like that, and he's not, well, word gets around. Now it's all 'cmky is into kinky stuff.' And the jokes begin. Oh boy, do they begin.

Maybe you and Cutie live in a world where asking peeps if they're sub or dom is perfectly normal. "Hey, which do you like better, Snickers or Milky Way? Oh, and while I'm at it, are you a submissive?"
But in my world, it's not. I'm sorry that I didn't make that part clear. I'm sorry that my little part of the world isn't as sexually liberated as you guys, but that's how it is.

All I wanted was a little litmus test or something. Is it stupid and silly? Yes. But sex is stupid and silly and a little pointless. So...never the freaking mind, okay? Forget I asked. Move on, please. Nothing to see here.

Don't think you're the first and only person to feel this way. I grew up in a very small town and there were more than a few girls I wanted to find out about...but didn't. I sucked it up and survived, anyway. Today, I think back and wonder about some of them, still. The world was far more conservative, back then and repercussions would have been far worse.

You want to know about this guy, right? There is no litmus test, so the only real way to find out if he's submissive is to ask. Are you concerned you will be "outed" by asking him this question? If he isn't submissive, that means he will tell others you asked the question. Right? If you're friends, don't you think he would keep your conversation private? I know anyone I consider a friend would have the sense to do that for me. You have a choice. Do you really want to know? Think of a way to ask him where it doesn't come out point blank. Lead up to it, gradually.

Oh, and just in case you were curious, I've been mistaken by more than one person for being submissive and even for being gay. I'm far from submissive, nor am I gay. But, I'm only dominant in my sex life. Any other time, I consider my personality to be "normal".

Most people are pretty complex and have sufficient walls built up so their most private thoughts aren't out in the open for all to see. Don't be mislead by how he acts. He might be a nice, hetero...but vanilla guy. Would you still be friends, if that's the case?

 

[teknight]

I'm thinking it would depend on how sexually adventursome he is. Subtlely find out if he likes porn, or what his wildest sexual fantasy might be, or what turns him on the most, or what excites him. He could just be a nice guy, and kinda a sexual, you never, but you'll soon be able to tell by his reactions to comments you make about what you see around you. Let's say you saw a tranie, you might ask, Would you ever wear heals, on a dare? Just watch how he reacts and you'll have your answer.

OK. I'll bite. I'm a guy: how are you going to subtly find out what porn I like? Or, how are you subtly gonna find out what my wildest sexual fantasy is?

Sorry for the threadjack, but this interests me.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

OK. I'll bite. I'm a guy: how are you going to subtly find out what porn I like? Or, how are you subtly gonna find out what my wildest sexual fantasy is?

Sorry for the threadjack, but this interests me.

*stabs you full of ketamine*

*combs your internet history while you're out*

*vanishes like a ninja*

 

[YourCaptor]

@captor
We do. And yes, we're about as clinical as you described. While we're at it, women are evil and manipulative, too. To top it all off, while we're having sex with you, we're not thinking about how big your cock is or how awesome you are in the sack. We're wondering if we left the coffee pot on or what was up with that last episode of 30 Rock. Oh, and we will compare you with every partner we've ever had in meticulous detail. Size matters. And girth. And endurance. Any girl who says othewise is lying to you. While we're at it, girl's lie. Oh, and no, we don't like to swallow. Cum tastes like rotten eggs and asparagus. Porn stars only do it because they get PAID.

This has nothing to do with the thread, but I thought as long as we were pointing out the obvious I'd just throw that out there.

And then they come back for seconds.

Anyway, I don't think you need to worry about this sticking to your reputation.

Most of the time it's how you say something not what you say that sticks it.

Plus your a girl, girls talking about sex = good.

Just as him if he'd ever get tied down during sex or something like that.

 

[teknight]

*stabs you full of ketamine*

*combs your internet history while you're out*

*vanishes like a ninja*

What the hell's subtle about being stabbed?
And...have you heard of private browsing?

 

[bhndblueyes88]

What the hell's subtle about being stabbed?
And...have you heard of private browsing?

Nothing in particular, but ketamine usually causes short term amnesia, so you wouldn't remember being stabbed. Or being knocked out. Or that I was even there.

So it's subtle in the way MIB is subtle?

Besides. Maybe I would sneak stab you. I might be a ninja. you can't know.

 

[Licia]

If the two of you are moving into the sexual area, ask him about a few of his fantasies in the middle of a kiss...or something. He'd be a bit more relaxed and apt to share, and you may be more prone to listening. Plus, it's just plain hot. If he is as classy a guy as portrayed, he'll keep his yap shut. This venue always felt more natural for me.

*shrugs* Not every person on the planet knows what BDSM means, or understands the concepts.

Then again...
simply asking about sexual fantasies during mundane activities? *nom nom* I'm sure you'd get a response because he wants to fuck you regardless. He may even percieve that as a challenge. Good luck!

 

[Cold_Eyes]

I don't think you can tell outside of the bedroom. I doubt anyone would take me for a sub in real life. In vanilla relationships, where I was afraid of "coming out," I did drop loads of hints, though. I always positioned myself to be on the bottom for make out sessions and sex, tried to get her off first every time, let her lead when she initiated. I don't know if that helps, but it's all I've got.

 

[the captians wench]

What I'm confused about is being worried about being "outed" as into some form of BDSM/kinky shit, but the concern doesn't carry over into just fucking the guy?

I mean, you don't think he'd tell all your mutual friends that he fucked you? or is fucking not a big deal, but kink is?

 

[the captians wench]

I don't think you can tell outside of the bedroom. I doubt anyone would take me for a sub in real life. In vanilla relationships, where I was afraid of "coming out," I did drop loads of hints, though. I always positioned myself to be on the bottom for make out sessions and sex, tried to get her off first every time, let her lead when she initiated. I don't know if that helps, but it's all I've got.

Interesting, but not a sure test.

I've had very strong domly ones who loved to have me on top riding them. And other domly ones who loved to make me orgasm repeatedly before he got off, he said it was a very sweet look I carried when I was blissed out. I've also had domly ones who loved to have their ass fucked.

I've also had "submissive" men who loved to plow me like a corn field.

I tend to worry less about what one calls themselves and more about how well we mesh, and how great the sex is. *shrug*

 

[cmky]

Wow, apparently the post I made on this thread completely vanished.

I have an update and an apology.

First, the apology: to all those who said I should just come out and ask: You were right. I was wrong.

I did, as delicately as I could, and it turns out that he is indeed a sub, or something like that at least. Basically this guy asked to be my slave. He said that he will do anything, with no sexual obligations on my part.

I haven't given him an answer, mainly because I have no idea what I'm doing, or how this will fit in with the rest of my life. I don't have any interest in having sex with this guy. But I do like the idea of having some guy at my beck and call, maybe it plays on my ego or whatever, but I get a rise out of it.

Are there people like me who like the having a slave part but don't want the whole sexual side of it? Is this guy totally nuts? Am I? He seems stable enough, just a little weird. I wouldn't have guessed any rational person would want to be in that position, but he seems to like it. What gives?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Owning a slave is a very intimate thing, for most people. There are some very good books on the subject, if you are serious about this-- and if he is.

 

[cmky]

I was afraid you'd say something like that, stella. You and your logic.

I'd like to say that I'd go out and read a book on the subject, but c'mon, let's be serious for a second.

So first, and I gotta run this by my best friend/roommate/casual sexual partner to make sure it's okay with her, but if it is, that bitch is gonna do my laundry. And I expect him to take it to ridiculous degrees, like ironing my socks and undies, just because I can make him.

Do you see how the power goes straight to my head? I think I have a problem...

 

[HottieMama]

Wow...
I wouldn't enter into any situation like that without discussing it with the potential slave ad nauseum. If there is no sex, what's in it for him? What can/will you provide for him? What do you expect from him?

It's very easy to recite a laundry list of things he can do FOR you, but may in fact be harder to say the things that you will provide FOR HIM.

 

[cmky]

but may in fact be harder to say the things that you will provide FOR HIM.

Yeah, that's why I see this thing going to hell quickly. It's like this: A guy starts leaning this way. I pick up on it and he tells me that he likes to be told what to do, then that he has fantasized about being my slave for a long time.
I make it clear that sex is not on the table, he says that's fine.
So, in my mind, if you want to be a slave, that negates what you want. Your 'wants' should be to satisfy mine. End of story. I don't care if he goes home and jerks off thinking about it, or bangs his girl while thinking about it, or whatev, but as soon as he starts thinking that he has some right to my time or attention, he is no longer a slave, and I therefore have no interest in the entire deal.

 

[BiBunny]

Yeah, that's why I see this thing going to hell quickly. It's like this: A guy starts leaning this way. I pick up on it and he tells me that he likes to be told what to do, then that he has fantasized about being my slave for a long time.
I make it clear that sex is not on the table, he says that's fine.
So, in my mind, if you want to be a slave, that negates what you want. Your 'wants' should be to satisfy mine. End of story. I don't care if he goes home and jerks off thinking about it, or bangs his girl while thinking about it, or whatev, but as soon as he starts thinking that he has some right to my time or attention, he is no longer a slave, and I therefore have no interest in the entire deal.

That works well in theory. Not so much in practice, I'm afraid.

 

[seela]

That works well in theory. Not so much in practice, I'm afraid.

Yep. People tend to have needs, no matter what they say. They might not be physical needs, or sexual needs that you will run into, but more of the psychological kind. I'm pretty sure at some point he'll need appreciation, he'll need to know you actually care, that you actually want him to do these things, not only because you get these things done for you, but also because it is him that's doing them etc.

Doing things for someone else and not getting anything in return can be hot for a while. In the long run it gets less hot and want and needs start playing a bigger role.