I need some feed back from those that do.

[Sir_Winston54]

And SW's Corollary to Yank's Corollary: Why do so damn many people TRY to write about things of which they have only a tiny bit of fourteenth-hand rumor and even less practical experience?

For the same reason Hollywood makes movies.

That is the same cheap, lazy response we get in answer to this question from the vast majority of writers who think they can write about string theory (or name your complex topic) without having taken, let alone *passed,* high school physics.

Isn't one of the reasons you want to write to do better than Hollywood? Why use them as an excuse when it's pointed out that you haven't done so?

 

[Stella_Omega]

We have established that Sheila does even more stupid than I thought.

She can only do the stupid you write for her, please remember that.

The big problem is that almost nothing has been said about my actual question. Things were sidetracked from the first post. No one ever got past the meet cute and the fact that one of them is rich.

Remember you are asking this from people who do.
As such, we are far more likely to assess your portrayal of our lifestyle. What else you do will be part of a more mainstream world that does not need our defense.

Other than saying that the meet cute needs major work, you have not told me anything.

well, let's see, here's what you asked;

What I am looking for is what any author wants, serious feedback on his characters. Do the characters work as people? Does their lifestyle choice mesh with their life? Are there problems I am not seeing, opportunities I am missing, details that are wrong?

I think all of those questions have been touched on.

Best thing would be to get started on your rework. Do some research if you plan to keep the BDSM elements at all.

I totally sympathise. This kind of thing sucks, for all concerned.

 

[pocketrocket]

IMHO thinking of two-way communication as "filler" is in itself part of the problem some of us have been talking about here.

If all he is doing is expressing interest, it's filler.

 

[Bramblethorn]

If all he is doing is expressing interest, it's filler.

Indeed. But who here advocated having him only express interest?

 

[gretchenmilliner]

I did finally read some of your story and it reminded me of me, might have been fair once but now has far too much padding. Your assignment is to go and read the Gormenghast trilogy by Mervyn Peake and see how a well padded story should go. By the way the Ariel font is simple and as it is a sans serif font it is by definition without frills but elegant it is not, Franklin Gothic Medium is a rare example of an elegant sans serif font.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Oh, not even.

Writers 'yes but' at me when they've asked me for advice, I 'yes but' at them when I ask for advice.... "Yes but" is native language to a writer.

I do get the "Yes but" in the post I quoted below. Sometimes you'll have to bend the facts to make a story work. I think the have to bend a bit much here but thats just my opinion.
What I found over the top here is that when people point out things that seem incongruent, OP explains with a lot of background.
To me, this would mean that I have to do a bit more explaining in my story too.

All this is entirely valid. Unfortunately, the cameras are central to the plot.

what I wonder, is if you need feedback from those that do-- what are you going to do with it now that you're getting it?

discount it because it's not what you want to hear?

Or use it to rework your project?

Ultimately, I think this is what I actually found lacking in this thread.
It feels like all "Yes but" and no "Thanks for reading and giving feed back".
To me it reads more like a salespitch, really.

 

[sweet_lusciousdesire]

blah blah blah blah blah...Fuck just write and enjoy yourself and ignore the pompous attitudes of the old folks on here....ohh I digress...new day, new year, same stupid pompous attitudes...

 

[MeekMe]

I recently won the Clitorides Award for BDSM. The link at the award site is Storiesonline, but a slightly different version is posted here as [K]&[T], LLC in Novelle/Novel.

This was not written this as a BDSM or D/s story. I wrote it as a romance in the Fifty Shades of Grey vein. Somehow a couple of scenes and a meet cute developed into half a million words, three novels, and an award.

What I am looking for is what any author wants, serious feedback on his characters. Do the characters work as people? Does their lifestyle choice mesh with their life? Are there problems I am not seeing, opportunities I am missing, details that are wrong?

I post this here, since I am particularly interested in how people that live the lifestyle view it. One of my choices was to place it away from the city, so that a full community was not available.

I am also willing to make the universe available to other writers. In particular I need someone to write the silent submissive. Her voice eludes me.

I have been following this since the OP and I feel that you received the best answer Here.

It seems you have an interest in BDSM, but you never bothered to do any of the leg work. This forum is FULL of useful information. Doing the research BEFORE writing out 40 chapters was the best thing you could have done.

Do the characters work as people? They are more like shells with pretty decorations.

Does the "lifestyle" choice mesh with their lives? No

Are there problems I am not seeing, opportunities I am missing, details that are wrong? See above replies.


So, you say you're going to rework your story? Ok! You've had plenty of feed back, time to get started! This time when you write your story, take a look at all the resources you've been happy to enjoy and not at all give back.


Seriously, this community is a fantastic resource and full of people who care and do their best to help others. If you're going to complain that nobody likes your story here, go back to the place that gave you that award. Clearly, those people like your brand of BDSM.

P.S. My answer wasn't meant to really be helpful to you. Everyone above was already doing a great job and giving honest feedback.

 

[pocketrocket]

She can only do the stupid you write for her, please remember that. Remember you are asking this from people who do.
As such, we are far more likely to assess your portrayal of our lifestyle. What else you do will be part of a more mainstream world that does not need our defense. well, let's see, here's what you asked;

I think all of those questions have been touched on.

Best thing would be to get started on your rework. Do some research if you plan to keep the BDSM elements at all.

I totally sympathise. This kind of thing sucks, for all concerned.

Here's the problem. Getting married three weeks after meeting someone is stupid, but it happens, and therein lies the story. Not everything has been touched on because no one has gone past the first couple of chapters.

Let's try something else. Here are some things I cannot change.

Sheila is functionally cloistered. Her only intimate contact uses batteries. She is driven by the hardest master--herself. She hides in plain sight. She leads a double life. One important duality is that all of her clients are also fitness clients. She works as an hourly employee in a business she not only owns, but built from bare walls.

Sean is an inarticulate grunting beast. His business works because he has genius level insight. He sees the solution and presses through all objections until others can keep up. Feelings get hurt. He had a series of affairs with older women who were after the family money. None lasted and he quit picking up hints. He is fiercely protective.

They meet. Both will see right through the superficial and recognize that the other is also aware. Sheila must send a revealing photo after the first meeting. The quality of the picture a major plot lever, but the nature of the picture has to reveal some desperation.

All that said, I am moving the meet from the studio to the gym. Sean sees her in her trolling clothes at the lunch counter. The next look will pony tail, workouts and no makeup.

 

[pocketrocket]

I did finally read some of your story and it reminded me of me, might have been fair once but now has far too much padding. Your assignment is to go and read the Gormenghast trilogy by Mervyn Peake and see how a well padded story should go. By the way the Ariel font is simple and as it is a sans serif font it is by definition without frills but elegant it is not, Franklin Gothic Medium is a rare example of an elegant sans serif font.

Font is imposed by the site. Getting bold and italic to work is difficult.

J

 

[Stella_Omega]

Here's the problem. Getting married three weeks after meeting someone is stupid, but it happens, and therein lies the story. Not everything has been touched on because no one has gone past the first couple of chapters.

Do you understand why no one hasn't?

Let's try something else. Here are some things I cannot change.

Sheila is functionally cloistered. Her only intimate contact uses batteries. She is driven by the hardest master--herself. She hides in plain sight. She leads a double life. One important duality is that all of her clients are also fitness clients. She works as an hourly employee in a business she not only owns, but built from bare walls.

Sean is an inarticulate grunting beast. His business works because he has genius level insight. He sees the solution and presses through all objections until others can keep up. Feelings get hurt. He had a series of affairs with older women who were after the family money. None lasted and he quit picking up hints. He is fiercely protective.

They meet. Both will see right through the superficial and recognize that the other is also aware. Sheila must send a revealing photo after the first meeting. The quality of the picture a major plot lever, but the nature of the picture has to reveal some desperation.

These bare bones of your story, condensed as they are, are much more interesting than the chapters I read.

here's a suggestion; Pick a chapter, any chapter. Decide what has to happen in it so as to begin the next one. Delete everything else. Allow yourself some details, of course, but see if you can get rid of one third to one half of all the words-- by numbers. Then try the same thing with the next chapter.

See how that works for you

It seems to me that you don't easily write show-not-tell-- I personally have no problem with that, but it's a style that's most effective when it's terse. Read a couple of Grimm's fairy tales for excellent examples.

All that said, I am moving the meet from the studio to the gym. Sean sees her in her trolling clothes at the lunch counter. The next look will pony tail, workouts and no makeup.

And she is no longer a pro domme? That would probably be for the best.
If you're leaving (sorry to reiterate over and over like this, but you know why) BDSM sex in as an element, you will do some research won't you?

 

[pocketrocket]

She's still prodomme, but she is also a fitness trainer to all of her clients. Their workouts earn them choices in the studio. In retrospect, it is a better place to screen studio clients.

Those are not the bare bones of the story. Those are character outlines. The story outline is guy meets girl...

Others have noted that the 3rd party chapters are tighter.

 

[Stella_Omega]

She's still prodomme, but she is also a fitness trainer to all of her clients. Their workouts earn them choices in the studio. In retrospect, it is a better place to screen studio clients.

Those are not the bare bones of the story. Those are character outlines. The story outline is guy meets girl...

Others have noted that the 3rd party chapters are tighter.

it's really hard to tell if you comprehend what people are saying or not.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Font is imposed by the site. Getting bold and italic to work is difficult.

J

I think the font comments were in reference to Chapter 1, where you mention font choices on Cynthia's business card, not how your story is displayed. (Though if you DO want to use bold or italics in a submission, it's quite easy: either submit as a RTF/.doc file, or use standard HTML markup.)

 

[CutieMouse]

She's still prodomme, but she is also a fitness trainer to all of her clients. Their workouts earn them choices in the studio. In retrospect, it is a better place to screen studio clients.

Those are not the bare bones of the story. Those are character outlines. The story outline is guy meets girl...

Others have noted that the 3rd party chapters are tighter.

Scrap the whole damn thing, do some actual research (on owning small businesses, personal trainers, legalities of owning a dungeon, BDSM, functional pro-Domme dynamics and BDSM), and THEN start writing.

Every time I revisit this thread, it gets harder and harder to swallow.

Sheila is functionally cloistered. Her only intimate contact uses batteries. She is driven by the hardest master--herself. She hides in plain sight. She leads a double life. One important duality is that all of her clients are also fitness clients. She works as an hourly employee in a business she not only owns, but built from bare walls.

Some people I know, would ask if you were describing me (minus the vibrator, personal trainer and pro-Domme label). Which is probably why I find your treatment of the character so irritating.

Anyone strong and smart enough to do the things you've described, isn't going to marry someone in the space of 3 weeks. She isn't going to make the stupid mistakes you've written into the story, and she isn't going to put up with a guy staring and nodding at her over dinner, instead of engaging her. It makes no sense whatsoever, with the character you keep saying you've developed.

40 chapters and three books to cover THREE WEEKS of her life? Seriously?

 

[CutieMouse]

Font is imposed by the site. Getting bold and italic to work is difficult.

J

I think the font comments were in reference to Chapter 1, where you mention font choices on Cynthia's business card, not how your story is displayed. (Though if you DO want to use bold or italics in a submission, it's quite easy: either submit as a RTF/.doc file, or use standard HTML markup.)

Ding ding ding!

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think we are past the point of diminishing returns here.

 

[shy slave]

I enjoyed reading this thread, although I won't be reading the chapters of the book.

I had forgotten how patient people are here when their patience is tested to the limit.

 

[Endless_Night]

I enjoyed reading this thread, although I won't be reading the chapters of the book.

I had forgotten how patient people are here when their patience is tested to the limit.

I became bored and moved on fairly early, I'm afraid. But I have to agree with you. Some of the regular posters have the patiences of saints!

 

[shy slave]

I became bored and moved on fairly early, I'm afraid. But I have to agree with you. Some of the regular posters have the patiences of saints!

They do, and they have been patient with newbies for years.

I admire that, I can read it, watch it and muse on it, but can't do it.

Does remind me that when I was a newbie and posted a thread which showed me to be an idiot I was called on being exactly that by A Desert Rose and a couple of other people. I didn't sulk but realised they were right. I met ADR a few years ago, she is wonderful and a great friend who speaks bluntly from the heart. From being told I was an idiot to finding a wonderful friend in the same person. Lit is a great site

 

[DVS]

They do, and they have been patient with newbies for years.

I admire that, I can read it, watch it and muse on it, but can't do it.

Does remind me that when I was a newbie and posted a thread which showed me to be an idiot I was called on being exactly that by A Desert Rose and a couple of other people. I didn't sulk but realised they were right. I met ADR a few years ago, she is wonderful and a great friend who speaks bluntly from the heart. From being told I was an idiot to finding a wonderful friend in the same person. Lit is a great site

I miss A Desert Rose. I assume she's doing OK?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I miss A Desert Rose. I assume she's doing OK?

I was going to say-- Lit is a good site, but A Desert Rose is a great person.

 

[shy slave]

I miss A Desert Rose. I assume she's doing OK?

I was going to say-- Lit is a good site, but A Desert Rose is a great person.

I agree she is great.

She is ok. I will let her know she is missed on here.

I hope to go back out and see her next year sometime.

 

[thelovingsadist]

Wait... they MEET and GET MARRIED in the space of 3 weeks?

When I got to this post, my browser froze. When I tried to move to another program, my laptop froze.

Such is the power of a shocked CutieMouse.

 

[StrayKat]

Getting married three weeks after meeting someone is stupid, but it happens....

Not to the type of woman you are describing, it doesnt.