I need some feed back from those that do.

[pocketrocket]

Here is a small scene. Let me know how it plays. To set the location, this is from the honeymoon. They have more than a full day on aircraft and two short layovers in motel beds prior to arriving on this south pacific island. They have just completed their first full night's sleep and have a day of beach and sight seeing planned.

The "ice bucket" contains hot water and a washcloth.

Just as I turned, Sheila threw her arms around me and gave me a big kiss. Then she stepped back a pace, lowered her gaze and presented the scarves. That would not do. I was not a master and she was not a slave. I lifted her chin til our eyes met. Far from fighting it, Sheila may have had a twinkle in her eye. I stepped out of the scene and embraced her man to wife. Sheila stiffened with surprise, then melted into my arms. She claims I give the best hugs, but I privately disagree. Hers are the best and only I them.

We separated far enough to kiss, which also took a while. That done, I gave her a wry half smile and nodded toward the bed. Sheila actually squealed as she jumped on it. I loosely tied the scarves on the bedpost, then allowed her to slide her her wrist in. I detected a hint of amusement at my knot skills. I didn't practice as much as she did. That done, I reached for the ice bucket, which contained a wash cloth in hot water. Now that we were in the scene it occurred to me that Sheila could have held the water. Maybe next time.

To say Sheila was ready is an understatement. I would do something about that presently. For the moment, I took the cloth out of the water and wrung most of the water out. Using care and many refreshments of water, I washed everything between her legs and cheeks. I squirted a generous amount of shave gel on my fingers and lathered it up. This went everywhere I washed.

I got up from the bed to fetch the shopping bag from night before. I opened the box of fresh razor heads and changed the blades. Starting on the right thigh, I removed the foamy gel. Washing the razor often, I removed all her hair, except a small bumper about the cleft. Shaving is nice, but I grow tired of baby smooth.

There was one area I could not easily reach. Rather than struggle with it, I looked at Sheila. Without breaking eye contact, she raised both her legs and hooked the ankles behind her wrists. This allowed me to reach all the little hairs around her lower vulva and anus. The water was still warm, but very soapy. Rather than add soap, I wiped her with the cold cloth. Once all the white was gone, I rolled the cloth. Sheila opened her mouth and put the washcloth in.

Had I been able to do this properly, it would be the perfect set up for an afternoon of pussy teasing and tongue fucking. Instead the restraints were symbolic and the gag was spittable. Still, I could do a little teasing. I stroked Sheila's anus with one finger, making sure to use a lot of nail, but no pressure. With my tongue I probed as deeply as I could, but I avoided the clit. There was no convenient timer, but I counted licks to one hundred.

When I drew back, Sheila gave a definite whimper. I said, “Come.” At the same time I shoved my finger into her anus and bumped her clit with the only thing handy—my nose. The results were gratifying. When Sheila stopped shaking, she rolled out of the posture, slipped her hands from the scarves and pulled the washcloth from her mouth. Her embrace was the real message, but she said, “If you are going to sail the yacht, you will need to learn some knots.” What can I say? Sheila is never wrong about bondage.​

 

[MeekMe]

(¬_¬) It's hard to be nice about this. It reads like a cheesy romance novel, and a lot of those are way hotter. The exchange between the two feels like a vanilla couple that decided one night they'd be a little naughty.

I'm not sure which towel was shoved in her mouth but I hope it didn't have chemicals all over it. It's better to use clear gels or something that can be seen through when shaving that sort of area. The hair grows in different directions and if there's foam hiding that, you're destined for nicks and ingrown hairs, sexy.

Again, very boring. Also, was that whole "come" thing like a "come on command situation?" I'm asking because it isn't clear if that's what you're going for.

I really think you should stick to what you know. When someone says "write what you know," it doesn't mean "never learn anything new again and don't write about it." Lots of great authors write things that they didn't know when they began, but learned about it to write more accurately. Stop making excuses and do research.

 

[CutieMouse]

It still reads like a poorly written, badly developed, bored housewife [desperate for anything other than the bad sex she's currently getting] $2 romance novel.

Then she stepped back a pace, lowered her gaze and presented the scarves. That would not do. I was not a master and she was not a slave. I lifted her chin til our eyes met.

Do you really believe this is how M/s works? The whole "downward cast eyes" = slave BS? You are claiming to have this intelligent, powerful, on point, desirable female lead. You are also claiming that the male lead was so charmed and attracted to her, that he married her a couple weeks after meeting her. And now they're married, that powerful, strong, intelligent woman he craved is suddenly doing the cliche "downcast eyes" thing? From a woman who's been making a living at BDSM? Seriously?

Scarves are shitty bondage material.
Why are you still trying to turn this into a BDSM themed piece, when you don't know what you're doing?

I stepped out of the scene and embraced her man to wife.

Life isn't that cut and dry. Your characters theoretically have a relationship, right? They did just get married? Why are their interactions so stiff and forced? Oh, wait; I forgot... they met and married in the space of 3 weeks.

Hers are the best and only I them.

This sentence makes no sense, whatsoever.

That done, I reached for the ice bucket, which contained a wash cloth in hot water. Now that we were in the scene it occurred to me that Sheila could have held the water. Maybe next time.

Think about this.

If you wrote it like this, she would be laying on the bed, holding an ice bucket full of hot water, having to shift and adjust for her partner to get to all the difficult to reach bits, without spilling dirty water all over the bed, losing her grip if the sides of the bucket got slippery from dripping water, etc. And on top of all that, every time he rinsed the washcloth or swished the razor in the bucket, then went back to shaving her, dirty water would dribble all over the bed. You didn't believably stage the scene.

There was one area I could not easily reach. Rather than struggle with it, I looked at Sheila. Without breaking eye contact, she raised both her legs and hooked the ankles behind her wrists.

Yoga? Oh, right, she owns a gym-cum-prodomme business.

Once all the white was gone, I rolled the cloth. Sheila opened her mouth and put the washcloth in.

Shaving cream, skin dander and pubic hair. Yum. Have you set the character up to get off on mild humiliation and/ or objectification?

Instead the restraints were symbolic and the gag was spittable.

When the character raised her legs and hooked her ankles behind her (symbolically silk-bound wrists) the clumsily tied knots would have probably slipped tighter, and possibly jammed. I'm having a hard time reconciling silk scarves, symbolic bondage, and circus contortions.

As for the "spittable gag", I'm guessing you've never had a tightly rolled wet washcloth in your mouth, without the use of your hands.

and bumped her clit with the only thing handy—my nose. The results were gratifying.

Orgasms from nose bumps... proof that size really doesn't matter?

 

[KoPilot]

First off, who the hell is able to afford a 36 hour flight to some remote Pacific Island for their honeymoon? Nothing takes me out of a story faster than everyone being fucking rich. Fiji wasn't even good enough for them, which is a simple 11-12 hour straight flight from LAX, no. They had to shell out for something more exotic and unrecognizable. They might as well be in a hotel on the moon as far as I'm concerned.

The scene is terrible. It reads like two people who barely know each other, vanillas groping around in the dark for Teh Kinky and failing miserably. Which, IRL, is fine, but makes for really painful voyeurism.

I'm confused as to why, if "baby smooth" bores him, is he shaving her thighs? Who shaves thighs?

Also, save the clinical terminology for medical scenes.

Yikes.

 

[MeekMe]

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=663245&postcount=4

This sums up OP's view on writing. He can't write about being gay because he isn't. But he can imagine being a woman enough to write about her. He also knows bondage well enough to make it up.

 

[shy slave]

Meekme, Cutie and KoPilot it seems you have become freebie editors for someone who doesn't listen, do research or understand what two pages of comments are trying to tell him.

I do admire that you managed to read it all and give the feedback, I didn't get past the first couple of sentences.

 

[KoPilot]

Meekme, Cutie and KoPilot it seems you have become freebie editors for someone who doesn't listen, do research or understand what two pages of comments are trying to tell him.

I do admire that you managed to read it all and give the feedback, I didn't get past the first couple of sentences.

Eh, what can I say. Ripping folks new ones is a labor of love.

 

[KoPilot]

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=663245&postcount=4

This sums up OP's view on writing. He can't write about being gay because he isn't. But he can imagine being a woman enough to write about her. He also knows bondage well enough to make it up.

Jesus H Christ.

That is the "no homo"est thing I've ever read on here.

 

[StrayKat]

Orgasms from nose bumps... proof that size really doesn't matter?

Oh God, this cracked me up.
There is better story in that single sentence than anything OP wrote so far.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I get the symbolic loops tied with scarves thing, but damn I would be-- I have been-- disappointed and even saddened that my lover didn't care enough about my needs to actually tie me to the bed.

Like your character, she hadn't learned the ropes-- hadn't paid attention to my tutorial-- and it left me with nothing to pull against and expend my energy on, so that i could relax into her care. Instead I had to try to keep her shitty loops from falling apart.

Yes, I twinkled, but-- it was a polite twinkle.

 

[Monica_112]

Lol at polite twinkle

 

[Bramblethorn]

Just as I turned, Sheila threw her arms around me and gave me a big kiss. Then she stepped back a pace, lowered her gaze and presented the scarves. That would not do. I was not a master and she was not a slave. I lifted her chin til our eyes met. Far from fighting it, Sheila may have had a twinkle in her eye. I stepped out of the scene and embraced her man to wife.​

Trying to articulate why this bit rubs me the wrong way.

Breaking scene can be fine, I've used it in stories myself. It's interesting playing with that dichotomy between a fierce rough BDSM scene and "is this gag comfortable?" or even silly-fun moments like "wait, before you drag me to my bedroom and ravish me, I need to tidy up". And I've been known to break out of Fierce Domly Mode just for a moment of tenderness. also because good cop/bad cop is a great way to mess with their minds.

But to me this particular passage comes across as defensive: sort of "must establish that BDSM is just a game we play, and we're capable of expressing our relationship in nice socially-acceptable vanilla ways". Reminds me of 50SoG and a hundred and one other stories where BDSM is treated as an expression of psychic damage and healing means getting in touch with the vanilla self that lies underneath.

I could be wrong here; I haven't read the whole story, so I may be missing some relevant context. But it does fit in with the impression I got from Chapter 1, which is that you're using the trappings of kink as a way to spice up a plot that doesn't really have a BDSM dynamic, and associating her kink inclinations with childhood insecurities.

Other than that: I don't mind clinical terminology per se - I'm happy to use words like "vulva" and "mons" myself - but it's a problem when the whole scene feels more clinical than erotic. It told me what was happening in the physical space without giving me a feel for where their minds were at. Like others have said, I think you're having difficulty empathising with kinky characters, and without that it's going to be almost impossible to get your readers feeling it. (Although, if their exposure to BDSM has mostly been through stuff like 50SoG, they may not be able to tell the difference.)

I detected a hint of amusement at my knot skills. I didn't practice as much as she did.

Being a BDSM novice is fine. I like stories where not everybody is Domly Dom With 18 Charisma and a degree in dom-ology; I'd be happy to read more stories where the dom is less experienced than their sub.

But it doesn't mesh well with the way you've described him earlier - a guy who is completely at home in a BDSM dungeon and so masterful that he can instantly 'turn' a pro-domme into a sub. And combined with restraints and an unsecured gag it's a recipe for disaster.

Please PLEASE tell me you have at least established some sort of non-verbal safeword between the two of them? It would be a shame if he looked up from his 100 licks to find that what he took for "throes of ecstasy" was actually "stop stop this knot is cutting off my circulation and I've lost all feeling in my hand" or "help this gag has moved and I'm choking to death here".

 

[pocketrocket]

Trying to articulate why this bit rubs me the wrong way.

Breaking scene can be fine, I've used it in stories myself. It's interesting playing with that dichotomy between a fierce rough BDSM scene and "is this gag comfortable?" or even silly-fun moments like "wait, before you drag me to my bedroom and ravish me, I need to tidy up". And I've been known to break out of Fierce Domly Mode just for a moment of tenderness. also because good cop/bad cop is a great way to mess with their minds.

But to me this particular passage comes across as defensive: sort of "must establish that BDSM is just a game we play, and we're capable of expressing our relationship in nice socially-acceptable vanilla ways". Reminds me of 50SoG and a hundred and one other stories where BDSM is treated as an expression of psychic damage and healing means getting in touch with the vanilla self that lies underneath.

I could be wrong here; I haven't read the whole story, so I may be missing some relevant context. But it does fit in with the impression I got from Chapter 1, which is that you're using the trappings of kink as a way to spice up a plot that doesn't really have a BDSM dynamic, and associating her kink inclinations with childhood insecurities.

Other than that: I don't mind clinical terminology per se - I'm happy to use words like "vulva" and "mons" myself - but it's a problem when the whole scene feels more clinical than erotic. It told me what was happening in the physical space without giving me a feel for where their minds were at. Like others have said, I think you're having difficulty empathising with kinky characters, and without that it's going to be almost impossible to get your readers feeling it. (Although, if their exposure to BDSM has mostly been through stuff like 50SoG, they may not be able to tell the difference.)



Being a BDSM novice is fine. I like stories where not everybody is Domly Dom With 18 Charisma and a degree in dom-ology; I'd be happy to read more stories where the dom is less experienced than their sub.

But it doesn't mesh well with the way you've described him earlier - a guy who is completely at home in a BDSM dungeon and so masterful that he can instantly 'turn' a pro-domme into a sub. And combined with restraints and an unsecured gag it's a recipe for disaster.

Please PLEASE tell me you have at least established some sort of non-verbal safeword between the two of them? It would be a shame if he looked up from his 100 licks to find that what he took for "throes of ecstasy" was actually "stop stop this knot is cutting off my circulation and I've lost all feeling in my hand" or "help this gag has moved and I'm choking to death here".

This is the kind of feedback I was hoping for.

The male in this story is rich--really, REALLY rich. Deal with it. He quit accepting dates a long time ago, because he can tell when someone is after his money.

I apologize for many aspects of the first scene, but this is the first time in a decade she has met anyone close to her equal, and she is picking from the best her small city has to offer. She is ten years of deprivation desperate, so she does some stupid things. Deal with that too. She is following her instincts, which say this one is trustworthy. He is slow to grasp the compliment but he gets it.

I am rewriting, the first scene. The primary difference being that they meet at the gym and there are no hand cuffs at the studio. But the bottom line is that she does something she would ream her daughter a new asshole for doing. Desperation and plot compression.

BTW, if you want poetry, try this

Arranged marriages. My wife had one of those. He died, leaving six children and no estate.
I would have married my wife for herself, but so many extra benefits.
I am too poor a poet to do it justice.
J​

 

[Bramblethorn]

This is the kind of feedback I was hoping for.

The male in this story is rich--really, REALLY rich. Deal with it. He quit accepting dates a long time ago, because he can tell when someone is after his money.

You can of course write him however you want, and the whole "jaded gazillionaire finally finds a woman who meets his standards" bit has been popular since at least the days of Jane Austen, but it seems a bit impolite to come here asking for feedback and then tell people "deal with it" when they tell you that bit doesn't work for them.

I apologize for many aspects of the first scene, but this is the first time in a decade she has met anyone close to her equal, and she is picking from the best her small city has to offer. She is ten years of deprivation desperate, so she does some stupid things. Deal with that too. She is following her instincts, which say this one is trustworthy. He is slow to grasp the compliment but he gets it.

Let's reverse the situation for a moment. Suppose that instead of getting together in a BDSM dungeon, she'd shown up in his office and invited him to risk his entire fortune in an investment opportunity that he's never heard of before. And he says "well, usually I'd run a whole heap of due diligence and see what I can find out about this opportunity, but my instincts say this one is trustworthy. So, hell, here's a blank cheque!"

Or let's put it in a different setting: he runs a dive shop at some resort and she shows up wanting to go diving a shipwreck with him. "Well, normally I'd ask about your diving experience and make sure you knew how to use this equipment and talk about things like how we're going to decompress on the way back and how deep we're going to go - but screw that, my instincts say you're trustworthy. What's the worst that could happen?"

As a reader, would you buy either of those scenes? I certainly wouldn't. The idea that a professional instantly forgets all precautions when the right guy shows up emitting the right pheromones - it trivialises her professional skills and it trivialises her agency. (See also: the Sexy Lamp Test. See also: why yours truly detested the Irene Adler episode of "Sherlock".)

I am rewriting, the first scene. The primary difference being that they meet at the gym and there are no hand cuffs at the studio. But the bottom line is that she does something she would ream her daughter a new asshole for doing. Desperation and plot compression.

Plot compression is great for skipping past boring bits that the readers can fill in for themselves. If a character in LA says "Let's go to Albuquerque!" and they own a car, you can cut straight to TWO DAYS LATER IN ALBUQUERQUE.

But what you're doing here is more like TWO DAYS LATER ON THE MOON. If your story relies on somebody doing something grossly out of character, you need to put some effort into selling that, not just compress that bit.

 

[midwestyankee]

I hear there's room in the Mary Poppins fanfiic universe for another writer. I honestly think you have a better chance of getting that right than this. Everything you've presented so far looks like you're so badly stuck on not knowing much about bdsm that you've lost track of the need to create characters whose motves and actions reader would give a shit about.

Or Peter Pan. That's another fanfic realm that might work even better for you.

 

[pocketrocket]

Let's reverse the situation for a moment. Suppose that instead of getting together in a BDSM dungeon, she'd shown up in his office and invited him to risk his entire fortune in an investment opportunity that he's never heard of before. And he says "well, usually I'd run a whole heap of due diligence and see what I can find out about this opportunity, but my instincts say this one is trustworthy. So, hell, here's a blank cheque!"

Yes. You've got it.

In fact that is not far from the plot.

J

 

[CutieMouse]

Yes. You've got it.

In fact that is not far from the plot.

J

:facepalm:

 

[Stella_Omega]

Then... You need feedback from a business and money forum, not this one.

 

[KoPilot]

I love it when authors absolutely refuse to admit that they're 100% in charge of their story when it's convenient for them.

"I know I know, you're right, X does sound really dumb for them to do??? But that's just how they are!"

"What do you mean, Y is ridiculous and less likely to happen than getting struck my lightening? That's just how the story GOES. It's not like I can change that or anything."

"It's FANTASY. I want everything to be realistic and make sense except when I don't."

etc etc.

"This is the kind of feedback I want" is basically code for "this person disagrees with me in a way I find agreeable".

 

[Bramblethorn]

Yes. You've got it.

In fact that is not far from the plot.

J

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IdiotBall

 

[midwestyankee]

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/IdiotBall

That's a fascinating site. I just spent much too much time wandering through the tropes. At least it's sunny and warm there.

 

[Bramblethorn]

That's a fascinating site. I just spent much too much time wandering through the tropes. At least it's sunny and warm there.

Yeah, TVTropes is horribly hard to escape from once you start reading

 

[Netzach]

This is the kind of feedback I was hoping for.

The male in this story is rich--really, REALLY rich. Deal with it. He quit accepting dates a long time ago, because he can tell when someone is after his money.

I apologize for many aspects of the first scene, but this is the first time in a decade she has met anyone close to her equal, and she is picking from the best her small city has to offer. She is ten years of deprivation desperate, so she does some stupid things. Deal with that too. She is following her instincts, which say this one is trustworthy. He is slow to grasp the compliment but he gets it.

I am rewriting, the first scene. The primary difference being that they meet at the gym and there are no hand cuffs at the studio. But the bottom line is that she does something she would ream her daughter a new asshole for doing. Desperation and plot compression.

BTW, if you want poetry, try this

Arranged marriages. My wife had one of those. He died, leaving six children and no estate.
I would have married my wife for herself, but so many extra benefits.
I am too poor a poet to do it justice.
J​

WHY- why is he worth her moment of "caution be damned"? You've given us no reason, not even a stupid one, not even "wow, he kind of reminds me of my first teddy bear when I pull off his shirt" nothing. She has no subjective reasoning that makes one bit of any sense, she's just there for him to exist off of. Not that he's been gifted with a personality either, that I can decipher.

Downcast eyes and an inability to tell someone how she wants to be fucked is not consistent with anything you say about her. I could actually see why a "sheila" of the world might want the soap scum rag in her mouth, which is kind of nasty. I can't see her settling for a nose nuzzle to the clitoris.

 

[pocketrocket]

This is the same scene from the other side.

It was sweet, but almost embarrassing, watching Sean try to work up to a BDSM scene. Our first time he had everything had been laid out for him. Afterward, he said he followed the map I gave him. I combed through the video. Once I could strip away the emotion, to analyze own responses, it was obvious what reactions he was cuing to. I must have been pretty desperate to respond so strongly. For Sean, it was easy. All the props he could wish for were close at hand. The real skill was taking charge. Sean is very good at pushing.

This was different. We had no setting, no props, no anticipation. Sean had no idea where to go with the scene. He settled on shaving. As a scene, it had possibilities. When we were back in New Jersey I intended to do it for Christine, though with refinements. Sean's scene wanted distractions. As it was, it was very close to vanilla sex, but I found I liked vanilla sex with Sean. He gave me a nice slow shave, followed by a nice slow pussy lick. When Sean finished his tongue bath, poked my asshole and bumped my clit, I was able to come on command. That was very satisfying. It was also a new sort of climax.

I melted into this orgasm. It moved through me like a warm wave. When I masturbate, the goal is usually to relieve tension. Occasionally, I would resort to self bondage, but the results were mixed. It was always to get a big finish. Even if I managed multiple orgasms, there was a sharpness to the climax. This orgasm was more like one of Sean's massages. It left me loose and relaxed, mellow and satisfied.

I spit out the gag, rolled out of the posture, pulled my hands from the restraints and pushed off the blindfold, which takes more time to say than to do. Sean was anxiously awaiting his grade. When did I become his teacher? I told him to work on his knots. Sean would hear what I did not say. There were better ways than words to tell him I appreciated his efforts, clumsy as they were.

J

 

[Stella_Omega]

Have you ever heard the term "Id vortex?"