Ignoring as a punishment.

[greeneyed_Lady]

I had discussed this with a former sub of mine at the onset of our relationship. For us, for him I guess more to the point he felt this would be the ultimate punishment. From my POV, a sub would have to do something extremely horrible for me to enact this form of punishment.

I think like anything tho, once it's done and over with, there HAS to be discussion about the WHY it was done. You can't do this without explaining why you did it.

 

[Netzach]

...I don't really do "punishment." I guess it makes me another animal altogether that I'd do this just to watch the effect it had, just because it might amuse me.

 

[Caitlynne]

...I don't really do "punishment." I guess it makes me another animal altogether that I'd do this just to watch the effect it had, just because it might amuse me.

Well, of course you would. But, I think that's a while different animal too. Doing what pleases you, even if a sub suffers is different from punishing a sub for something s/he has done wrong. Subs are built to suffer at the hand or pleasure of a Dom/me.

**as an aside note: This is a situation that screams "rescue me" to me. But like any S&m encounter, we subs suffer sweetly for your pleasure.

 

[intothewoods]

...I don't really do "punishment." I guess it makes me another animal altogether that I'd do this just to watch the effect it had, just because it might amuse me.

Mine doesn't either. He's just not into it. I tend to think of punishment in the PYL as Teacher/Daddy/Wise One sort of category, and mine really doesn't get into that role. His way works for me.

He does go quiet when he's really pissed (which I have managed to accomplish a few times ), and I know to just leave him alone for a while.

 

[ataxia.girl]

i was ignored for a week after the most extreme scene i have done to date. Was rather like being in hell though i did still continue to serve him after he came back and was proud of myself for surviving not only the scene but being ignored as well without hating him. It wasn't a punishment though. That PYL only ever punished me one time.

i don't really need punishment for behaivor modification. Positive reinforcement works the best for me. i always feel i deserve to be punished so no matter what the punishment is i don't go out of my way to avoid it. i don't like disappointing but that is different than trying to avoid punishment.

i stay away from Dominants who use the threat of leaving to keep a sub in line like the plague and there are plenty of them. i want my submission and obedience to be an expression of my devotion, not an expression of fear and loathing.

 

[ataxia.girl]

...I don't really do "punishment." I guess it makes me another animal altogether that I'd do this just to watch the effect it had, just because it might amuse me.

This is my favorite. i luv to have my buttons pushed just to be an amusement to my Dominant. i find the whole threat of punishment and delivery of punishment detracts from my feeling of being their plaything and more in line with being a person they are trying to fix. Its too altruistic for me. i like to be played with and manipulated, not fixed or solved.

 

[Etoile]

Not interested. My self esteem is awful anyway.

 

[minx1]

I feel very strongly about this because to be honest, depending on the situation I think this can almost border on abuse.

If it's done in the full knowledge that the sub has self esteem issues and has had bad experiences in the past, I think its cruelty rather than domination.

I know that might annoy some, but it triggers strong emotions in me. Like Bandit I have past experiences that cause this to be a huge issue for me.

Feelings of abandonment, panic, being unworthy and silent treatment I can well do without again and will do without. If I ever feel it, to that degree in any other relationship I will leave, no matter how much I am involved or how much love I feel.

ETA: If its not a hard limit for the pyl and is done in a controlled manner, where the reasons/time scale are explained then perhaps that is different. But the other way would ultimately, for me, be a deal breaker.

 

[Homburg]

*shrug* I'm not into punishment either. I think I've punished.... 5 times in ten years, and the majority of those were at her request. She felt the need to expurgate her own deeds (lapsed Catholic, and all that). It's just not my thing. If I want to spank my gals, I don' tneed to manufacture an excuse. My desire is sufficient reason.

 

[Netzach]

I just don't feel that imparting the lesson that MY attention is MINE to give as I can/want/will is a bad thing, let alone abuse - in any kind of relationship. When loved ones begin to feel that constant attention is a given, that's forcing me into a level of dependency I'm not willing to go into.

If anything, when M feels he needs time to ignore me and do his own thing and I get frustrated, angry, even lonely, sometimes my self-worth gets called into question - all that stuff is MY problem, not his. His expectation to have a few uninterrupted hours is totally normal - it doesn't mean he doesn't love me it doesn't mean anything at all.

I want the people I'm with to be capable of doing their own work on that, not to be thrown into a downward spiral if I don't call for a couple of days or if I choose to watch a movie and roll over and sleep instead of playing with them or engaging them.

Having read the article now, it really bugs me even more. It's basically saying "if you leave any gap in your distance relationship it's abuse to the fragile soul you claim as yours" oh please. Thank God H can fill up a week with hard enough work that I can call him and he doesn't even notice I haven't in a week.

Are we all some degree of crazy in house Netzach? Are we depressive, ADD, vulnerable, challenged, overstressed, in denial, have abandonment issues - you bet. But the ethos I have is put on your big girl pants and deal - we've all got one another's back in that, but...deal! - and if you're not doing that, then anyone else, even the royal queen, can be reminded of this by the others. Can be given the rah rah push.

Not, don't worry, the Queen is going to there-there you for days until you have all her energy in your veins and she now has none of her own left.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I'd rather just break out the strop and clear the air.

 

[locked_tight]

I'd rather just break out the strop and clear the air.

Indeed. i feel that if there really is a need for punishment, it should be dealt out as soon as possible, or not at all. Punishing at a later date is wrong because then it is harder for the sub to connect the punishment with the infraction.

 

[Bandit58]

My Master kind of uses this as punishment. He doesn't go as far as making me feel worthless or not registering my existance. But there has been times where he won't touch me and is holding back on me. I know then I've done something wrong.

BUT, this was to my constent as well. I told him the only real way to punish me is to ignore me a little. Other wise i won't get the hint that something is wrong. I like spankings, so that isn't much of a punishment. There are other times where he'll chain me up in the corner (course, can't do that in this new place. =( ..... ) and just leave me there.

I have self esteem issues big time, after my ex they grew worse. Being with Master though they have come a long ways. But again, this doesn't cause me to feel worthless, it makes me realize that I did something wrong and it encourages me to fix it. He hates to ignore me also.... He does like to watch me squirm though when I'm chained to the wall lol. Luckily this hardly ever happens.

Sorry katalynn I don't get this - your Master is ignoring you/holds back on you so then you know you've done something wrong?

I would be confused, trying to work out just what I may have done to piss him off. I'd much rather he came straight out and told me, and if I was going to be ignored for it I'd want to know how long I had to exist in the cone of silence.

I had enough of that with my ex frankly A lot of the time I had no idea what I'd done to warrant Mr Grumpy's attitude. If you don't know what you've done wrong, how can you improve yourself so the infraction is not repeated?

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I used to use this as a punishment. Then I realized it was just as much a punishment for me as it was for her so that ended that pretty quickly.

 

[minx1]

I would be confused, trying to work out just what I may have done to piss him off. I'd much rather he came straight out and told me, and if I was going to be ignored for it I'd want to know how long I had to exist in the cone of silence.

I had enough of that with my ex frankly A lot of the time I had no idea what I'd done to warrant Mr Grumpy's attitude. If you don't know what you've done wrong, how can you improve yourself so the infraction is not repeated?

Yes absolutely to all this

 

[SinfulSailor]

I just don't feel that imparting the lesson that MY attention is MINE to give as I can/want/will is a bad thing, let alone abuse

I gotta say that makes sense to me.

Granted, it's a flip side of the coin, but that said, is it any different for the pyl to claim mistreatment (abuse) for being ignored? Is that abusive to the PYL?

Sometimes this kind of "punishment" is a lot in the perception. Is it punishment if the PYL thinks it's more productive to create and enforce a cooling down period? Personally, I'd think it often wiser of a PYL who was angry to ignore until the anger had cooled rather than trying to forge ahead with a head of steam on.

'Course if the PYL says I'm gonna punish you by ignoring you, well then granted that's punishment.

And some have said they don't allow a PYL to ignore them. So who's actually running the relationship?

Some random thoughts from a brief reading of this thread.

 

[Homburg]

Sometimes this kind of "punishment" is a lot in the perception. Is it punishment if the PYL thinks it's more productive to create and enforce a cooling down period? Personally, I'd think it often wiser of a PYL who was angry to ignore until the anger had cooled rather than trying to forge ahead with a head of steam on.

And some have said they don't allow a PYL to ignore them. So who's actually running the relationship?

Bravo on both points.

 

[Bandit58]

I gotta say that makes sense to me.

Granted, it's a flip side of the coin, but that said, is it any different for the pyl to claim mistreatment (abuse) for being ignored? Is that abusive to the PYL?

Sometimes this kind of "punishment" is a lot in the perception. Is it punishment if the PYL thinks it's more productive to create and enforce a cooling down period? Personally, I'd think it often wiser of a PYL who was angry to ignore until the anger had cooled rather than trying to forge ahead with a head of steam on.

'Course if the PYL says I'm gonna punish you by ignoring you, well then granted that's punishment.

And some have said they don't allow a PYL to ignore them. So who's actually running the relationship?

Some random thoughts from a brief reading of this thread.

Those of us who have come through emotionally abusive marriages/relationships, where the husband/SO was using this as a form of manipulation, find ignoring destructive to both the relationship and their self esteem.

I'm not "running the relationship", I'm protecting my mental health. Sir is well aware of what I went through - why would He want to put me through it again

 

[myinnerslut]

my ex would ignore me. not so much as punishment (though his punishments werent the smartest thing in the long run either) but as matter of course. i can recall periods of two, three days of absolutly no contact, followed by a quick phone call on the fourth day, then back to no contact. it left me a wreck. emotionally needy, worried, afraid of what to say, feeling like i wasnt good enough. i remember walking around feeling my stomach twisted up in knots trying to figure out what i must have done, why he didnt want me. ignoring me will cuase me to crash. ignoring me on purpose for the sake of a punishment will probably break me.

Those of us who have come through emotionally abusive marriages/relationships, where the husband/SO was using this as a form of manipulation, find ignoring destructive to both the relationship and their self esteem.

bingo, i didnt see this till after i posted

 

[Pretty_VaCUNT]

I do like punishment, and "being put on ignore" by my master was one of the most frustrating, infuriating punishments I have gone through. I cried so much when he wouldn't take my calls etc.

I actually enjoyed it too though.

 

[minx1]

Those of us who have come through emotionally abusive marriages/relationships, where the husband/SO was using this as a form of manipulation, find ignoring destructive to both the relationship and their self esteem.

I'm not "running the relationship", I'm protecting my mental health. Sir is well aware of what I went through - why would He want to put me through it again

my ex would ignore me. not so much as punishment (though his punishments werent the smartest thing in the long run either) but as matter of course. i can recall periods of two, three days of absolutly no contact, followed by a quick phone call on the fourth day, then back to no contact. it left me a wreck. emotionally needy, worried, afraid of what to say, feeling like i wasnt good enough. i remember walking around feeling my stomach twisted up in knots trying to figure out what i must have done, why he didnt want me. ignoring me will cuase me to crash. ignoring me on purpose for the sake of a punishment will probably break me.



bingo, i didnt see this till after i posted

You both said it far better than I could.

I find the whole thing raises too many raw emotions in me to be able to convey my feelings well. Thankyou

 

[EmpressFi]

I'm not "running the relationship", I'm protecting my mental health. Sir is well aware of what I went through - why would He want to put me through it again

Exactly. I think it goes back to two things. One, the PYL needs to know his/her pyl and know what is needed to instruct and what would do harm, mental damage. Secondly, and tied to that is the adage of "dont break your toys." PYL's will go on and on about how it's their responsibility to take care of their pyls, some to the point of saying they know the pyl better than they know themselves... if that is true..and you know that a punishment that involves ignoring them will harm them emotionally and mentally, why would you still do it? It's not running the relationship... it's being a responsible owner.


All I have to be told is that my behavior has disappointed him and I am punishing myself long after he's forgiven me for whatever it was. To ignore me completely would send me into a mental tailspin of self-doubt that would be hard to overcome. And the fact that he KNEW that before using it would damage the trust I have in him to take care of me.

 

[Blushing Bottom]

My kind of guy RR

*pant*

Communication it far too important for the growth of a relationship to use it as a tool for any means. Just saying.

I'd rather just break out the strop and clear the air.

 

[Netzach]

For the people who are saying "btdt and it damaged me so much I'd never accept it"

are you honestly saying that you can't possibly see the same action having a totally different implication in a good relationship, versus in prior bad relationships?

 

[myinnerslut]

For the people who are saying "btdt and it damaged me so much I'd never accept it"

are you honestly saying that you can't possibly see the same action having a totally different implication in a good relationship, versus in prior bad relationships?

i have no way of knowing how it would effect me in a good relationship.

all i have is my experiences with being ignored
paired with my experiences of being reminded explicitly of the abusive relationship
paired with the emotional issues i carry with me on a daily basis
paired with flahbacks and releases of memories i have sealed away (selective memory and when things accidently get uncovered it gets very ugly)
paired with my knowledge of my body and my reactions

like anybody, all i can do is take what i know to predict what might happen the prediction in this case, for me at least, is not a fun and happy time. for me, the prediction is, in the situation of being ignored as a punishment, i will break.

sure i could be wrong. would you care to test the theory when there is signifigantly more then an even chance it would be something your pyl could not deal with?