I'll be your critic

[Sammael Bard]

The Sacrifice and the Scholar by Tio_Narratore

Here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read. Just for the sake of people reading this, I've sent him a PM instead of replying here yesterday.

First off, I like the way you don't mince words to actively describe something. The lush use of certain words/phrases certainly enhance the medieval setting this story has. Result is that your opening doesn't lag pace and I'm fairly intrigued by it. You show a great command over your words, and that's a very hard thing to convey to readers without boring them away.

Now, here's the flipside to this style of writing.

Most people that I know of aren't well-versed with old terms that are not much in use today. They can definitely figure it out, no problem, but since this is a short two page story, your primary goal shouldn't be to put the readers through an acclimatisation. That's what the 8-10 Lit page behemoths are for! If you can somehow tone it down, it'd be great.

IMO, it works really well in setting up the environment. I can feel what you want me to see, and that's really commendable.

About the plot....it's interesting, and unique. I haven't seen anything like it though. Same theme, yes, but not the same type. It was almost pleasant, at best. Seeing a story like this has spun off my creative gears in various directions, but I'd keep that to myself. That's a personal shit I'm not willing to put you through.

Erotica was awwright. It wasn't what I had expected. What I really expect from a short story like this is it should have great, descriptive (but not boring), sex. Yours was disappointing for me. Nothing wrong with the writing style, but with the...er, ample lack of description.

Personally, I'd say it was a decent read. Not something I really loved, but something that was very pleasant to read. It wasn't boring at all, but I still think a few changes could be made to make it even better than it already is.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Revelation of Her Slutty Self Ch. 01 by lisahotnsxy

Here's the link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read.


First things first, I'm not a big fan of immensely short chaptered stories like this. It paves the way for a frustrating read. Given the content and theme, I expected a complete story. Such stories receive a mixed bag of votes from the readers, and the favourites are usually low. You'll also find subsequent views on your stories dropping down, as the crowd of readers thin out. That isn't something I'd want to see.

I recommend people that they at least post a plausible length when they get started on Lit. People don't get frustrated, they favourite the story in huge numbers, give nice votes and comments...alright, scratch that comments part for the LW section because if you're writing about cheating girlfriends/wives, you'll be welcomed in a shower of vitriolic comments. Get a thick skin, and an even thicker emotional armour because some of the things can really sting.

Marching forward to your writing style:

I find nothing wrong with it. You got the grammar right, unlike most people here (Hallelujah!) and your mechanics are decent.

That being said, you lag in your narration. It's a personal pet peeve of mine that I can't see an info dump right at the beginning. You start right away with bust sizes and all. It didn't grate much on my nerves because of the way you wrote it, but I still don't like seeing these things on my screen. Like I said, it's a personal pet peeve and you shouldn't think of it as a general opinion.

Character sketch is a wee bit sketchy for my tastes. You got Mark right, you even got Wolf right, but you didn't get Lisa right.

Her innate wantonness during the party jumped out at me. The development didn't feel gradual, and felt forced upon. Suddenly she sees this hunky, dory boss, goes gaga over him and starts despising Mark. Earlier, it felt like she found Mark's "wimpability" a bit annoying, but annoying nonetheless. One night should give her a lot to think about, not start expressing herself out so fast. You get what I mean?

The overlong sex could've been done without. I don't know if you did it under pressure, but it just doesn't cut as an erotica. It's a plain, old boring banger going on between a man and two wanton women. I find no interest in it. As robert would say, it scored a measly 2 on my peter-meter.


Verdict: Complete the story. Please.

An incomplete story with no follow-up is NOT a good thing. You might think that people may hang on to your story, but such a population is very, very few. Some might even drop that dreaded one-bomb just to prove a point. So, in the near future, when you're posting a story that comes to 2-3 Lit pages length, post it as a whole. I guarantee you that with your writing style, and the premise, you'll do more than just decent.

How to check how many Lit pages your story makes?

I write with the font size 12. That makes 10 word pages equal to 1 Lit page. So, a 42 MS word page written in font size 12 is equivalent to 5 Lit pages of work. Clear?

You specifically asked how to improve. I'll say only this:


1> Write a complete story. Reasons mentioned above

2> Don't jump the sex onto the readers. Reasons also mentioned above.

3> Slow down Lisa, give her character some time. One year of dormancy with Mark will not bring out the slutty, sex kitten inside her. Lasso her character, and release her slowly as you go on. That'll look much better.


Overall, I think it was a decent piece. You can do much better if you're willing to try. Hope that helped.

 

[Devilius]

Feedback

@Tio_Narratore: I gave it 5 stars. I didn't like the blood factor, but I got over it and managed to enjoy the story. Very well-written and the medieval setting of your story is perfect. Like Bard, I especially enjoyed the usage of rustic terms that added a certain flavor to your story.


@lisahotnsexy: Where the hell is the second chapter? It should've been posted by now, if you still want to retain reader interest. It's usually advised that people post such short chapters after an interval of 2-3 days, if you want retain readers who've liked your story and are looking forward to it.

 

[Coconut_Joe]

Hello, I would be interested in a review for my first LIT post.

https://www.literotica.com/s/getting-back-to-normal (incest/taboo)

Hope you enjoy it.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Hello, I would be interested in a review for my first LIT post.

https://www.literotica.com/s/getting-back-to-normal (incest/taboo)

Hope you enjoy it.

Anything specific you're looking for? Feedback on Writing style? Plot? Something else?

 

[Coconut_Joe]

Anything specific you're looking for? Feedback on Writing style? Plot? Something else?

whatever strikes your fancy, just give it an honest review - if possible.

Ignoring grammar (unless it seriously detracts from your experience).

 

[Sammael Bard]

Getting Back to Normal by Coconut_Joe

Here's the link to Getting Back to Normal by Coconut_Joe if anyone else is interested in giving it a read.

Here's what I think about your story:


Realism. It's the first thing that I look for in a story. If you have realism, you've won me over as a reader. Your story is aplenty in this particular element, but lags a wee bit when Jason is about to have sex with his Mom. The passion that erupts out of her is sudden.

Ka-Boom.

It's something that I would've toned it down in my story, just to make it look better. Other than that, you're good all the way to the end.

Another mentionable note is the dark theme of your story. It was fairly dark for me, and I liked that immensely. Nothing more to add, except that it was written very well. It wasn't boring at all.

Now, I'm not a grammar Nazi, but mistakes are mistakes. There can be no excuses for them once your story is out in the open. So it's necessary that you polish your work as much as you can. There aren't many glaringly obvious mistakes in your story, but still. You should use an Editor. He/She will help you tighten your story and point out mistakes that you have otherwise missed in your story.

Your Writing style was fabulous. Just fabulous. Boring was the last thing on my mind when I read it. Anything I say more, and I look like a fool. It suited the plot just as fine. Although not much can be said about the plot, I've got to say "Well done" at its execution. Executing a short 2 page story like this is a pain in the arse for me. You've done a good job out here!


Overall, I'll say that your story is unique. And that's worthy of a 4 star, at the very least. It's a hard fact that most readers won't like your story for what it is without being judgemental or inserting their own opinions, but regardless of that fact, I say you keep writing. With a few more submissions, you'll find a niche of fans that are dedicated to your writings.

You described the Mom-Son relationship very well. Not too much descriptive, not too bare bones either. I'd have given a 5 star, but it's not perfect. So I rate a 4 star for your mentionable efforts and a wonderful short story.

That probably didn't help much, but truthfully, I couldn't add much on top of that either.


Bard.

 

[Coconut_Joe]

Here's the link to Getting Back to Normal by Coconut_Joe if anyone else is interested in giving it a read.

Here's what I think about your story:


Realism. It's the first thing that I look for in a story. If you have realism, you've won me over as a reader. Your story is aplenty in this particular element, but lags a wee bit when Jason is about to have sex with his Mom. The passion that erupts out of her is sudden.

Ka-Boom.

It's something that I would've toned it down in my story, just to make it look better. Other than that, you're good all the way to the end.

Another mentionable note is the dark theme of your story. It was fairly dark for me, and I liked that immensely. Nothing more to add, except that it was written very well. It wasn't boring at all.

Now, I'm not a grammar Nazi, but mistakes are mistakes. There can be no excuses for them once your story is out in the open. So it's necessary that you polish your work as much as you can. There aren't many glaringly obvious mistakes in your story, but still. You should use an Editor. He/She will help you tighten your story and point out mistakes that you have otherwise missed in your story.

Your Writing style was fabulous. Just fabulous. Boring was the last thing on my mind when I read it. Anything I say more, and I look like a fool. It suited the plot just as fine. Although not much can be said about the plot, I've got to say "Well done" at its execution. Executing a short 2 page story like this is a pain in the arse for me. You've done a good job out here!


Overall, I'll say that your story is unique. And that's worthy of a 4 star, at the very least. It's a hard fact that most readers won't like your story for what it is without being judgemental or inserting their own opinions, but regardless of that fact, I say you keep writing. With a few more submissions, you'll find a niche of fans that are dedicated to your writings.

You described the Mom-Son relationship very well. Not too much descriptive, not too bare bones either. I'd have given a 5 star, but it's not perfect. So I rate a 4 star for your mentionable efforts and a wonderful short story.

That probably didn't help much, but truthfully, I couldn't add much on top of that either.


Bard.

Thank you, that was much more positive than I expected, as to the editing I am working on it, but editing my own work ( for me at least is very difficult) I simply don't see the errors.

As to the transition, I actually made a topic about that, I totally didn't plan it out when i outlined this story, such a glaring error and yet.... I missed it.

Anyway I am glad you enjoyed it. It is always a very warm and fuzzy feeling to have people enjoy your efforts.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Bump if anyone has a nice, not-too-long story they want to get reviewed or need help. Anyone?

 

[Learin]

A public thanks for that last edit.


Sorry, but I don't have any job for you right now.

 

[Sammael Bard]

You're welcome. Pity you don't have anything right now.

 

[ceris01]

My second submission

Hello bard! I have been reading some of your more recent feedback and can see that you are fair and constructive with it.

I haven't been writing very long at all, only a matter of weeks and as such am still learning a great deal.

I would appreciate it if you could have a look at this submission for me. I am particularly interested to know if I have managed to make good use of the 1st person perspective this time as I got it quite wrong in my first story. I am also a little concerned about how I am using the tenses.

I will warn you now though that some people may class this as a 'stroke story' (I hate the term personally but appreciate why some may use it). It does not have a plot or any character development, I hope that isn't a problem for you.

Anyway atm it is with the moderator but should be online very soon.

I have listed it under erotic couplings.

https://www.literotica.com/s/full-body-massage-4

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to your advice.

 

[legerdemer]

when you have a chance...

Howdy, Bard.

You recently read a story of mine and wasn't crazy about it. I'm curious if you find my newest story an improvement. It is non-con but not egregiously so, and just shy of two Lit pages. Maybe you can give it a read-through and comment when you have time.

Salamanca Conquest

Best,
~Mer

 

[Sammael Bard]

Since, ceris01's story is awaiting approval, I'll skip over to Mer's Salamanca Conquest. Here's the direct link to her story: https://www.literotica.com/s/salamanca-conquest

As always, take everything I say with a big grain of salt.


Here's your opening para:

As the bus pulled away from the front of the hotel, Genadi just squeezed past the closing door and, rushing down the aisle, sat next to me. Of all the places he could have sat, he sat next to me! Inwardly, I cringed. Outwardly, I smiled as politely as I could. I didn't feel like small talk, and I certainly didn't feel like it with him.

The conference was ending in two days, and the organizer had pulled strings to arrange a special tour for us of the University of Salamanca and its library. The bus meandered through Salamanca from the outskirts, swaying gently as tourist buses do, making me sleepy. Resting my head on the window, I let my thoughts drift while we rolled towards the city center.


Personally speaking, if it was from a different category, I'd have said it was a tad boring. But seeing the Non-Con tag beforehand charged my brain and primed it up with anticipation. I don't know how other's may perceive it, but it didn't feel boring at all.

You've improved significantly. I quite remember your last story's opening, wordings, and sentence structure. As compared to to your previous story, this one is much, much better. Still, I think a bit more can be done to make it even better.

As the bus pulled away from the hotel, Genadi squeezed past the closing door and rushed down the aisle. Of all the places he could have sat, he sat next to me. I cringed inwardly, but I smiled as politely as I could. I didn't feel like having small talk, and I certainly didn't feel like it with him.

The conference was ending in two days, and the organizer had pulled strings to arrange a special tour for us of the University of Salamanca and its library. The bus meandered through the city's outskirts, swaying gently as the tourist buses do, making me sleepy. Resting my head on the window, I let my thoughts drift while we rolled towards the city center.


I cut down further on wordiness, changed and interchanged a few words here and there. These are more perspective driven, as I did what looks better to me. My grammar has a slightly different usage from yours. Your grammar isn't bad, so to say, just different from what I perceive as the standard norm. So I made a change in that too.

You also might be thinking -- Wordiness? Me? How could it be?!

I'll just say that it will take time and practice to catch this miscreant in your story. Over time, you'll be able to self-edit this thing out of your work. The most important thing worth mentioning here, now that you're perfectly capable of executing it, is the Show-Don't-Tell attitude.

Don't describe everything, especially when you're writing in first person. Even if you leave some obvious data out from your story, readers can easily fill the empty space with their own imagination. The result? You get rid of more wordiness and your story has a very good pace.

Compare your snippet to my edited one, and you'll understand what I'm trying to say. This advice is not only for the first paragraph, but for your entire story. Try it as much as you can, whenever you can and wherever you can. I never heard of a story that hasn't benefited from this piece of advice.


Surging ahead,

There are a two things you should keep in mind while writing in first person:
A. It's not that easy.
B. It should be consistent.

I like the tone of your story, and feel that my grammar advice from above paras could ruin the Non-English-cum-Native feel of your voice. It's pretty rare to see something like this, so I'd say you've done a really good job on this front. It is this unique voice that sells your story to the audience.

The second point, consistency, is a hard thing. You have a tendency of describing things later on in your story, as if that particular element hit your imagination much after you started writing.

For example, take Genadi's voice which you described during Dana's tour. The way you described it, it's something that should be noticeable from the beginning, not in the latter parts. It's a minor thing, but I'm particularly less forgiving with something in 1st person that doesn't stick right with me.

Other than that, all was good. I loved the scene where Dana danced and she described the emotions that coursed through her. It had a nice poetic touch to it, and I totally heart that. I hated it when you transcended from the scene and didn't even bother with the reminiscence of that powerful emotion when she exits the club. It was as if she became a dead fish as soon as she exited the club. [It's a pet peeve really ]

Overall, this was a great improvement on your part. I especially loved the voice behind the story, and the 1st person narrative was a total knock-out for me. Something written with a poetic touch seals the deal for me, so thumbs up all the way from me.

I'd love to rate it a 5*, but it wasn't exactly picture perfect. So, I rate it a humble 4*.



Hope that helped.

 

[Learin]

Howdy, Bard.

You recently read a story of mine and wasn't crazy about it. I'm curious if you find my newest story an improvement. It is non-con but not egregiously so, and just shy of two Lit pages. Maybe you can give it a read-through and comment when you have time.

Salamanca Conquest

Best,
~Mer

A little nitpick, if you don't mind, Mer.

When he took her from her back, Genadi could've spun her around instead of going around and then taking her from behind. I laughed because it made me visualise the comic situation it would've been.

Your writing is very good, and you nailed the basics. I gave it a 5*.

 

[legerdemer]

A little nitpick, if you don't mind, Mer.

When he took her from her back, Genadi could've spun her around instead of going around and then taking her from behind. I laughed because it made me visualise the comic situation it would've been.

Your writing is very good, and you nailed the basics. I gave it a 5*.

Thank you. I wanted him to display her to Fernando in a way that would embarrass her most - that is, she would have had to look at Fernando without being able to hide her eyes/face and been humiliated by being on display.

Thank you, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

 

[ceris01]

Apologies bard, I thought it would be up quicker than that once the web address appeared in my submission list. Anyway it is there now. I hope you like it.

 

[legerdemer]

Thanks for the read and feedback, Bard. I hoped I'd improved, but it's hard to make that judgment myself. I'm glad it read better. I'll consider your advice to carefully and work on things more.

Yes, I know I speak and write a bit differently than native English speakers. As long as it's not illiterate (ack, double negative), that part doesn't bother me. In this story, it worked in my favor to bring out the voice of the non-English speaking characters.

Many thanks again.

Since, ceris01's story is awaiting approval, I'll skip over to Mer's Salamanca Conquest. Here's the direct link to her story: https://www.literotica.com/s/salamanca-conquest

As always, take everything I say with a big grain of salt.


Here's your opening para:

As the bus pulled away from the front of the hotel, Genadi just squeezed past the closing door and, rushing down the aisle, sat next to me. Of all the places he could have sat, he sat next to me! Inwardly, I cringed. Outwardly, I smiled as politely as I could. I didn't feel like small talk, and I certainly didn't feel like it with him.

The conference was ending in two days, and the organizer had pulled strings to arrange a special tour for us of the University of Salamanca and its library. The bus meandered through Salamanca from the outskirts, swaying gently as tourist buses do, making me sleepy. Resting my head on the window, I let my thoughts drift while we rolled towards the city center.


Personally speaking, if it was from a different category, I'd have said it was a tad boring. But seeing the Non-Con tag beforehand charged my brain and primed it up with anticipation. I don't know how other's may perceive it, but it didn't feel boring at all.

You've improved significantly. I quite remember your last story's opening, wordings, and sentence structure. As compared to to your previous story, this one is much, much better. Still, I think a bit more can be done to make it even better.

As the bus pulled away from the hotel, Genadi squeezed past the closing door and rushed down the aisle. Of all the places he could have sat, he sat next to me. I cringed inwardly, but I smiled as politely as I could. I didn't feel like having small talk, and I certainly didn't feel like it with him.

The conference was ending in two days, and the organizer had pulled strings to arrange a special tour for us of the University of Salamanca and its library. The bus meandered through the city's outskirts, swaying gently as the tourist buses do, making me sleepy. Resting my head on the window, I let my thoughts drift while we rolled towards the city center.


I cut down further on wordiness, changed and interchanged a few words here and there. These are more perspective driven, as I did what looks better to me. My grammar has a slightly different usage from yours. Your grammar isn't bad, so to say, just different from what I perceive as the standard norm. So I made a change in that too.

You also might be thinking -- Wordiness? Me? How could it be?!

I'll just say that it will take time and practice to catch this miscreant in your story. Over time, you'll be able to self-edit this thing out of your work. The most important thing worth mentioning here, now that you're perfectly capable of executing it, is the Show-Don't-Tell attitude.

Don't describe everything, especially when you're writing in first person. Even if you leave some obvious data out from your story, readers can easily fill the empty space with their own imagination. The result? You get rid of more wordiness and your story has a very good pace.

Compare your snippet to my edited one, and you'll understand what I'm trying to say. This advice is not only for the first paragraph, but for your entire story. Try it as much as you can, whenever you can and wherever you can. I never heard of a story that hasn't benefited from this piece of advice.


Surging ahead,

There are a two things you should keep in mind while writing in first person:
A. It's not that easy.
B. It should be consistent.

I like the tone of your story, and feel that my grammar advice from above paras could ruin the Non-English-cum-Native feel of your voice. It's pretty rare to see something like this, so I'd say you've done a really good job on this front. It is this unique voice that sells your story to the audience.

The second point, consistency, is a hard thing. You have a tendency of describing things later on in your story, as if that particular element hit your imagination much after you started writing.

For example, take Genadi's voice which you described during Dana's tour. The way you described it, it's something that should be noticeable from the beginning, not in the latter parts. It's a minor thing, but I'm particularly less forgiving with something in 1st person that doesn't stick right with me.

Other than that, all was good. I loved the scene where Dana danced and she described the emotions that coursed through her. It had a nice poetic touch to it, and I totally heart that. I hated it when you transcended from the scene and didn't even bother with the reminiscence of that powerful emotion when she exits the club. It was as if she became a dead fish as soon as she exited the club. [It's a pet peeve really ]

Overall, this was a great improvement on your part. I especially loved the voice behind the story, and the 1st person narrative was a total knock-out for me. Something written with a poetic touch seals the deal for me, so thumbs up all the way from me.

I'd love to rate it a 5*, but it wasn't exactly picture perfect. So, I rate it a humble 4*.



Hope that helped.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Full Body Massage by ceris01

Here's a direct link to the story if anyone else is interested in giving it a read: https://www.literotica.com/s/full-body-massage-4 . My usual disclaimer as always, take everything I say with a gigantic grain of salt.


First of all, I'm not a big fan of being addressed as a "you". I'm not a female, and it definitely icks the fuck out of me out when a guy tells me to fantasise as being naked, blindfolded and bound with my hands over my head (Eww....) It's just that this "you" addresses to the female audience, so I definitely feel left out of the action. This is one of the things that comes near to stretching the boundary of my reading habits. I don't know about male readers, but if you see previous threads asking for feedback on such stories, you'll see my point.

That being said, your use of words and the way you play with it is definitely commendable. I see a great command, and that is definitely something that I like in a writing style, regardless of the plot or erotica. Good job!

It's hard for me to enjoy something like this that's very well-written, but I don't think I have anything else to add to it. Your writing style and erotica are quintessentially good. Any more comments from me will make it look like a nitpick. And I don't want to do that.

I don't think this would be of much help, but that's all I have to say.

 

[ceris01]

Thank you, that is a lot more positive than I was expecting! I'm sorry it pushed your limits, but I appreciate you sticking with it. I find the 1st person easier to write in, but am currently working on a more typical story to finish the plot from my first submission, however I am struggling with dialog and tense in that one so it may be awhile before it surfaces.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Thank you, that is a lot more positive than I was expecting! I'm sorry it pushed your limits, but I appreciate you sticking with it. I find the 1st person easier to write in, but am currently working on a more typical story to finish the plot from my first submission, however I am struggling with dialog and tense in that one so it may be awhile before it surfaces.

I like first person narrative, but inserting a "you" breaks the deal for me.

IMO, it was way above the average story on Lit, ceris.

 

[PTWaters1]

Edit: My apologies SB, you're right, I didn't read the OP.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Greetings Soulful,

While I do have a series with eight stories posted, only the last one represents my best work since I like to think my skills improved with each story! That being said, if you wanted to review one, I'd be thankful for any constructive criticism

Cheers,
PTW

The Lindy Series

P.S. They are all 2 - 3 pages long.

Hi PTWaters!

If you could take out the time and read the OP, you'll see that I don't read anything using pee as a fetish. I have nothing against the fetish, just something that I don't read.

 

[Harry1988]

Hi The Soulful Bard

It would be an honor if you could review the first part of my story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-mom-and-the-sons-friend-pt-01

Thank you

 

[Sammael Bard]

Harry1988, I cannot review your story. I gave it a once over, and ended up hating it. It has touched a lot of pet peeves -- ranging from grammar to the writing style to the fetish itself. I cannot post a review without tearing this piece apart and insert my own style without any consideration for you.

I don't want to do that.

I see you have started a thread, which is a good thing. I'm sure you'll get better feedback than me. Don't take it personally, but the story wasn't for me.