I'll read yours...

[vargas111]

Story in progress

I have an incest mom-son with some ff I'd like to get feedback on. Please write and I'll email it.

 

[destinie21]

I have two stories I'd like some general feedback on. Both still in the works, so will have to be emailed or PMed.

One is a sequel for an incest/nonconsent story I wrote. It leans more toward rape than to reluctance, just so you know.

The second is a crossdresser story about a fellow who is found out by his coworker and blackmailed. Still kind of unsure on the direction I want to go with it, so hoping some feedback will help me figure it out.

I will read a story or two of yours - depending on whether you read one or both of mine - and offer my two cents.

Anyone who's interested can reply to me on this thread or PM me.

I can read the second story and send fb. I can't do the first one without bias so I'd prefer not to read it but would love to be of help on other works if you'd like

 

[Shadownight_Keeper]

Sometimes

Destinie,

I stumbled upon your thread here and find the idea rather nice. I read one of your poems, "Sometimes", and it struck me deeply. The whole been there felt that thing. Rather to the point but not preachy if you will as some poetry can be. I think it very refreshing, and my thoughts, you've amazing talent.


http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=258270

I've been coming out of a writers block and some of my work isn't great as a result, but the last couple of stories I've posted, are back to my nature. Good or bad, it is what it is, part of me.

Keeper

 

[The_Darkness]

Bump.

 

[destinie21]

Bump.

Hey Darkness

I gots a new story up wanna peek

 

[FallingToFly]

Destinie:

I chose to read All I Want For Christmas.

The story itself has incredible potential. However, the plethora of spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes were a disappointment. So were the slightly off-putting fragments that started out fine, but ended in the middle and left the reader hanging.

Everyone makes mistakes, they're a natural part of the writing process, and we can't always catch all of them. However, I really think that if you'd had an editor or even just a proof-reader run through this before submission, and maybe done a little more polishing, it would have been a much, much more enjoyable read, and would have gotten the attention and praise the plot deserves.

 

[The_Darkness]

Hey Darkness

I gots a new story up wanna peek

I always wanna get a good look at what you've got, Dest.

 

[destinie21]

bump

 

[destinie21]

Destinie,

I stumbled upon your thread here and find the idea rather nice. I read one of your poems, "Sometimes", and it struck me deeply. The whole been there felt that thing. Rather to the point but not preachy if you will as some poetry can be. I think it very refreshing, and my thoughts, you've amazing talent.


http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=258270

I've been coming out of a writers block and some of my work isn't great as a result, but the last couple of stories I've posted, are back to my nature. Good or bad, it is what it is, part of me.

Keeper

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post a response but I did actually read what you wrote a while back but I somehow lost track of my own thread, which only means that I'm a spaz. Anyway I love your use of language and the imagery it provokes. It lends a sensuality to your work that isn't often seen here. Thank you so much for sharing and keep up the good work

 

[destinie21]

I'm just bumping this cuz I want to read some stories and provide feedback to anyone looking for it. The only category I won't read is non-consent or reluctant.

 

[FallingToFly]

I'm just bumping this cuz I want to read some stories and provide feedback to anyone looking for it. The only category I won't read is non-consent or reluctant.

You're welcome to read anything on my list

http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=662909&page=submissions

I read one of yours earlier, but seem to have gotten skipped.

 

[destinie21]

You're welcome to read anything on my list

http://english.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=662909&page=submissions

I read one of yours earlier, but seem to have gotten skipped.

I read the story smile, I loved the creepiness of the character and the style of writing. I usually don't enjoy diary type entries as a story but for this story it fit. I also much enjoyed the descriptive nature of your writing. All in all I would rate this piece worthy of a five for both creativity/style plus the creepy factor. And I don't throw around 5's to often. Good Job

 

[FallingToFly]

I read the story smile, I loved the creepiness of the character and the style of writing. I usually don't enjoy diary type entries as a story but for this story it fit. I also much enjoyed the descriptive nature of your writing. All in all I would rate this piece worthy of a five for both creativity/style plus the creepy factor. And I don't throw around 5's to often. Good Job

Lol... ty. Smile was actually not supposed to be in the Halloween contest, but now I'm glad it is, rough draft and all. I'm actually surprised how well it seems to be doing as far as scoring.

 

[AltEnergy]

Lol... ty. Smile was actually not supposed to be in the Halloween contest, but now I'm glad it is, rough draft and all. I'm actually surprised how well it seems to be doing as far as scoring.

FallingToFly - Just wanted to say that I loved your story Seven Deadly Sins: Envy! The BDSM was the perfect sexual twist for my taste, and some exceptional writing to top it off. You've done a great job at manipulating your readers' emotions here, especially within such a short piece. It was hot, hot, hot all the way through, with an ending that made my blood run cold. I didn't think that was possible. LOL. Anyway, I can see that you've gotten lots of great comments on this story already, and they are well-deserved. Thanks for posting.

 

[RogueLurker]

I'm just bumping this cuz I want to read some stories and provide feedback to anyone looking for it. The only category I won't read is non-consent or reluctant.

If you're still looking to read some stories, I'm interested in any and all feedback on either of my two (both are linked in my sig) as they are the first things I've written in a long time.

Both are erotic horror ... Trick or Tryst is a shorter, satirical horror while Paths is more character driven and a darker horror.

 

[SimonBrooke]

Reread!

there is a part 2 of My girl
My girl 2

That's really, really nice. I loved the feelings, the expression of love and loss and hurt. I loved the sex. but...!

You're not doing yourself favours with your subediting. Some of your sentences don't parse at all. There are some tricks which you do so often I'm asking myself whether they're deliberate... I mean, it's OK to take liberties with language deliberately, but if you're going to then you need to be sure that the reader isn't in any doubt.

For example:

Those memories and sorrow would be the threads that

Embroidered the tapestry illustrating my survival.

What's with the new paragraph and capitalisation in the middle of a sentence? You do it again in the next sentence, so it doesn't look accidental...? And then

Forcing stand or me to either move they're looking like an imbecile.

I can't parse that sentence at all. What is it doing? What are you trying to say with it? Like I say, I'm prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt, to believe you're simply trying to subvert the language (in this case by trying to convey the confusion and conflict of your voice character) - and if you are I applaud it. But when in the same story you include this:

I couldn't resist I put my arms around he neck and kissed her.

it just looks like sloppy editing. Which is a shame, because it's a great story...

OK, now I've done one of yours, do one of mine. Be brutal.

 

[destinie21]

Destinie,

I stumbled upon your thread here and find the idea rather nice. I read one of your poems, "Sometimes", and it struck me deeply. The whole been there felt that thing. Rather to the point but not preachy if you will as some poetry can be. I think it very refreshing, and my thoughts, you've amazing talent.


http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=258270

I've been coming out of a writers block and some of my work isn't great as a result, but the last couple of stories I've posted, are back to my nature. Good or bad, it is what it is, part of me.

Keeper

I'm sorry I didn't read this earlier my modt favorite part was


"tasting or should I say feasting. Stroking her body back into this reality as I regain control over my inner beast and begin to kiss softly her passion swollen lips in gratitude for giving me a taste of Heaven. As I draw back to gaze into her eyes, her lips call out to me speaking softly that just a taste will never be enough, this she knows. "

I love your imagery and languge throughout this piece but the above struck a chord with me. please keep it up and I'm glad I took the time to read this. So many things on lit are a waste of time but this piece was deep and thoughtful. Which simply means it was thought provoking and somehow familiar. Thank You

 

[destinie21]

That's really, really nice. I loved the feelings, the expression of love and loss and hurt. I loved the sex. but...!

You're not doing yourself favours with your subediting. Some of your sentences don't parse at all. There are some tricks which you do so often I'm asking myself whether they're deliberate... I mean, it's OK to take liberties with language deliberately, but if you're going to then you need to be sure that the reader isn't in any doubt.

For example:



What's with the new paragraph and capitalisation in the middle of a sentence? You do it again in the next sentence, so it doesn't look accidental...? And then



I can't parse that sentence at all. What is it doing? What are you trying to say with it? Like I say, I'm prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt, to believe you're simply trying to subvert the language (in this case by trying to convey the confusion and conflict of your voice character) - and if you are I applaud it. But when in the same story you include this:



it just looks like sloppy editing. Which is a shame, because it's a great story...

OK, now I've done one of yours, do one of mine. Be brutal.

I agree with you about my submission, at the time I didn't take any time to edit or even proofread and so I think I denied myself the simple pleasure of being proud of my own work. Even still I kept it up as a learning experience for myself. Thank you for being honest and letting me see my own faults. As far as your story catorina i think it deserves only the highest praise. I only hope that the readers among us will review it as well. There was so much depth of emotion therein. This piece is beautiful and romantic and while it contained an element of BDSM I think it's only fitting that it be found in romance. I reccomend that everyone reading this thread check out this author.

 

[destinie21]

bump

 

[Nasha]

"Workshop" by SimonBrooke

OK, now I've done one of yours, do one of mine. Be brutal.

Very well. I'll take “Workshop,” as I'm a perpetual denizen of the non-con category.

“Workshop” is a prime example of the fact that voting scores are a poor indication of good writing and an erotic story. Most of the top-rated stories on this site are unreadable to me, while yours, which has not been graced with the red H, is an intelligent piece of writing, a compelling story, and a hot read.

I adore the premise—the rather masturbatory conceit of an erotic story about writers dealing with their sexuality through their stories at a writers' workshop. The neglected narrator doubling as foil for John's prowess adds both realism (as opposed to a narrator bragging about his unlikely exploits) and also a dimension of disappointment, even loss, to the story. I didn't just feel that the narrator failed to score, I felt like he was an outsider, and lonely, and it made me a little sad. I appreciate that the story could do that, beyond the other successes it achieves.

The climactic scene with the knife was compelling and arousing. I did find myself struggling a little to suspend disbelief, not so much because of Pat's compliance, but because no one in the room protested what was happening. It seemed like Mary had been in on the plan ahead of time, and perhaps Jasmine was, too, looking back after the ending reveals some things. But what about Elise? And the narrator?

I loved the ending. But poor Elise. Poor narrator. Poor Mrs. McLeod.

At first, I was just amused by this:

If you were going to write about John in a short story, you wouldn't call him John, for a start. You'd give him a slightly exotic name with a hard edge to it. Something scandinavian might do - Eirik, perhaps, or Thorsteig.

It's a nice little dig at writers (myself most defiitely included) who give all their characters improbable names by way of making them sexier, more dangerous, or merely more interesting than a John or Jane. After reading on further, I appreciated that it tied in to the fact that the narrator is running a writer's workshop, namely one populated by women trying to craft stories more intense than their own lives.

But you didn't see that in him when you first met him...

Perhaps it's lazy reading on my part, but when I came across this phrase, I felt that you were doing that second-person narration so many of us detest. It's such widely hated narrative approach, I just caution you lest it make some hasty readers click the back button.

He wasn't very tall. His gaze was quiet rather than commanding, from rather pale grey eyes in a weather-beaten face. In fact it was his quietness which I came to realise was his defining characteristic; his stillness, his nondescriptness, his ability to fade into the background and not be noticed, even in a small room with only a few other people.

A lovely introductory description—a bit of physical detail, but more of a glimpse of the man himself, the first impression of his character. Similarly, your introduction to the women populating your story do a lovely job of using little physical details in conjunction with the writing styles to get at deeper attributes.

Early on, your narrator's resentment and exasperation at John is palpable and delicious, and the way you worked this in is magic:

Yasmin's voice came again, and then, unquestionably, John's. I felt a surge of pointless anger - and an old nonsense rhyme went through my head:

As I was going up the stair I met a man who wasn't there

He wasn't there again today - Oh how I wish he'd go away!

Overall, your dialogue works well, and I like how the dynamic between Pat and John builds. However, once John initiates his assault/demonstration, I found his way of speaking to her at times irksome. It's not that it's patronizing or degrading—which it is, and which is appropriate to the situation. I don't know...it's the one thing in the piece which felt cliché and just not right to the story or to John's character—specifically when he uses words like “girlie,“ phrases like “my beautifull,” I realize he's playing a part—perhaps even the very character she has written for her story, but even telling myself that didn't make me enjoy his manner of speaking during this key scene.

Similarly, her

"Please no. Not that. Please..."

rings false, like a line borrowed from a different story. In response to his question/threat, a “No!” or even a “No! Please! No!” would seem more real.

A few little nitpicky things:

During the assault scene, the word “arabesques” gets overused, I think. It's such a distinctive word that its repetition is rather glaring.

These phrases suggest agency on the part of the inanimate objects:

and without perceptible effort, the cups of the bra sprang apart.
And as the blade slid over the nipple it suddenly erected, swelling...

There are a few typos, most dense on page 3, and there are quite a few places where the line breaks didn't take, so different character's lines are strung together.

Thanks for offering yourself up—i thoroughly enjoyed the story, and I look forward to reading more of your work.

-Nasha

 

[SimonBrooke]

Many thanks!

Very well. I'll take “Workshop,” as I'm a perpetual denizen of the non-con category.

“Workshop” is a prime example of the fact that voting scores are a poor indication of good writing and an erotic story. Most of the top-rated stories on this site are unreadable to me, while yours, which has not been graced with the red H, is an intelligent piece of writing, a compelling story, and a hot read.

I adore the premise—the rather masturbatory conceit of an erotic story about writers dealing with their sexuality through their stories at a writers' workshop. The neglected narrator doubling as foil for John's prowess adds both realism (as opposed to a narrator bragging about his unlikely exploits) and also a dimension of disappointment, even loss, to the story. I didn't just feel that the narrator failed to score, I felt like he was an outsider, and lonely, and it made me a little sad. I appreciate that the story could do that, beyond the other successes it achieves.

The climactic scene with the knife was compelling and arousing. I did find myself struggling a little to suspend disbelief, not so much because of Pat's compliance, but because no one in the room protested what was happening. It seemed like Mary had been in on the plan ahead of time, and perhaps Jasmine was, too, looking back after the ending reveals some things. But what about Elise? And the narrator?

Oh, wow. So many thanks for such a thorough and detailed crit. I really very much appreciate it. Obviously it's to some extent an experiment (isn't all our writing) - I wanted to see if I could make an unsympathetic narrator work, and I wanted to see whether I could make his jealousy and his imagination of the protagonists having sex sexy in itself. I'm interested that you write 'poor narrator' - I hadn't meant for you to sympathise with him.

I'm sorry I lost your suspension of disbelief. What I was trying to suggest was that Mary was at least to some extent pre-briefed by John, and not entirely disapproving, Colin (the narrator) is intimidated by John's threat of injuring Pat, Jasmine is just getting off on the sexuality of the scene, and Elise doesn't have the character to intervene. But clearly I didn't express that well enough, and I ought to look at it again.

Thanks for offering yourself up—i thoroughly enjoyed the story, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
-Nasha

Many, many thanks, again. It really is so helpful and rewarding to have someone really examine your work like that. May I return the compliment?

 

[WhiteWave48]

Second person narration

*****

 

[Nasha]

second person narration

Originally Posted by SimonBrooke
But you didn't see that in him when you first met him...

I know the use of "you" in sentences like this is referred to on Lit as second person narration, but the writer here isn't actually moving the story into this mode of address as a whole.

The "you" in this case is part of an acceptable, colloquial construction that English speakers in various other countries use automatically in conversation to replace the more pompous use of the third person generalised "one", as in "but one didn't see that in him when one first met him". It's part of the oral story-telling tradition with an audience in mind.

Of course the "you" habit isn't an attractive one in writing because it looks confusing, so when you find yourself right in the middle of it, you probably need to change your entire sentence to remove it.

Thanks for clarifying my rather ambiguous comment--no, the story isn't narrated in the second person. I'd mistakenly thought so for a moment, and only wished to caution the author that even the appearance of that approach might cause a hasty reader to abandon his lovely story. There is at least one whole thread dedicated to despising second-person narration, but probably I made too much of that brief phrase and my misinterpretation of it.

 

[WhiteWave48]

Thanks from me too

*****

 

[Nasha]

Workshop

Oh, wow. So many thanks for such a thorough and detailed crit. I really very much appreciate it. Obviously it's to some extent an experiment (isn't all our writing) - I wanted to see if I could make an unsympathetic narrator work, and I wanted to see whether I could make his jealousy and his imagination of the protagonists having sex sexy in itself. I'm interested that you write 'poor narrator' - I hadn't meant for you to sympathise with him.

I'm intrigued by, and still mulling over, the way your unsympathetic narrator functioned in the story. His frustration brings an added emotional dimension to the story, beyond the tension inherent in borderline consensual encounters, and creates an atmosphere of voyeurism and a certain titillating frustration, because the reader is bound by his limitations and so we are constantly straining to see, hear, learn more.

As to sympathising with him, I found him unlikeable, but still felt sorry for him. Even though he's a little despicable, any situation where one person is essentially left out brings out my pity. And it just seemed a bit sad, his attempts at securing sex via his "relationships" workshop. What really got me, though, was the depleted laptop battery--damn, I hate that!

I'm sorry I lost your suspension of disbelief. What I was trying to suggest was that Mary was at least to some extent pre-briefed by John, and not entirely disapproving, Colin (the narrator) is intimidated by John's threat of injuring Pat, Jasmine is just getting off on the sexuality of the scene, and Elise doesn't have the character to intervene. But clearly I didn't express that well enough, and I ought to look at it again.

I'd sort of worked most of that out, but still, I think the scene would have worked better for me if Colin and Elise had at least uttered some small protest--even if hers sort of trails off in a wimpy fashion.

Jasmine's the tough one, for me, in that. I'd gathered that she's an open, sexual person from glimpses of her through the earlier part of the story, and that would explain her getting excited by, say, what would ordinarily be a shocking public display of clearly consensual sex. But for me, it doesn't explain her not showing any concern that John is threatening to rape Pat, at least early in the scene before it's more clear she's going along of her own free will.

Many, many thanks, again. It really is so helpful and rewarding to have someone really examine your work like that. May I return the compliment?

I'm happy to think my response is useful, and of course, I'd be thrilled if you'd be so kind as to have a look at something of mine; it's always especially useful, hearing the reaction of someone whose writing you admire, and since my writing tends to focus largely on power dynamics in sexual relationships, it's also nice to hear from those who aren't repelled by questionably consensual encounters.

To be honest, I'd most like to get a critique of this, but it's the third chapter of a longer story (though I do think the chapter stands fairly well on its own), so I certainly don't mind if you'd prefer to have a look at the beginning.