Is CyberSex cheating on a spouse?

[juttjaw]

I do not think you are alone. I think ultimately everyone lacks something in their relationships, just not always the same thing. I think it's natural to try and seek it out, but this thread kinda digs into at which point is your desire to seek out what you are lacking, crossing the line. I don't think there is any right or wrong answer, cause in the end, the right answer is whatever your partner considers cheating. You can argue your points to death if you feel they are wrong, but if they feel you betrayed them, you will not win.

Agreed... very nicely said. Wanna p.m. ??? JUST KIDDING!! unless you really wanna JK JK JK JKJKJK.. maybe......

 

[SassySheDevil]

Momma always said.. play it as a joke, cause if you don't get the answer you seek, you can always claim you were just joking..

 

[juttjaw]

your Momma is one wise woman Irony will get you everywhere.

 

[michael2956]

So you are saying that when the activity becomes "live and real-time" it crosses the line for you?

Sending pics and vids along with messages are not real-time, so they are OK?

Not arguing, just seeking clarification of your definition of the boundary.

Well, yeah, I don't think that messages (I've never sent pictures or vids) consitute cheating. I wouldn't say they're "OK" because they can certainly lead to cheating. I guess maybe they're equivilant to pretty hot and intense flirting. Here's a personal experience. 4 years ago one of my wife's old boyfriends found her on Facebook. I knew they were sending texts and messages to each other (I opened a phone bill and found 34 calls between them over a 3 week period). I asked her if anything beyond that was going on and she swore it wasn't---they were just talking and catching up. He was going through a custody battle, and she was just trying to support him. I told her that I thought she needed to be careful...that something like this could get out of hand and lead to an affair. That pissed her off..royally. A few months later she went to see a friend in the city where he lived. I had a bad feeling and eventually asked her if they did more than talk. She admitted they did and that night said, "I what you want to know....P and I had sex." Later she admitted that they'd had cyber sex, as well late at night while I was asleep down the hall. I considered both of those to be cheating. The talking, the emails and texts, were hurtful but I didn't think she was cheating on me at that point.

 

[alleycat93]

Well, yeah, I don't think that messages (I've never sent pictures or vids) consitute cheating. I wouldn't say they're "OK" because they can certainly lead to cheating. I guess maybe they're equivilant to pretty hot and intense flirting. Here's a personal experience. 4 years ago one of my wife's old boyfriends found her on Facebook. I knew they were sending texts and messages to each other (I opened a phone bill and found 34 calls between them over a 3 week period). I asked her if anything beyond that was going on and she swore it wasn't---they were just talking and catching up. He was going through a custody battle, and she was just trying to support him. I told her that I thought she needed to be careful...that something like this could get out of hand and lead to an affair. That pissed her off..royally. A few months later she went to see a friend in the city where he lived. I had a bad feeling and eventually asked her if they did more than talk. She admitted they did and that night said, "I what you want to know....P and I had sex." Later she admitted that they'd had cyber sex, as well late at night while I was asleep down the hall. I considered both of those to be cheating. The talking, the emails and texts, were hurtful but I didn't think she was cheating on me at that point.

Thank you for sharing your experiences in this matter. Points well taken.

Here is another check-point for the poll, after 60 responses.

 

[alleycat93]

For the first time in this poll, the Cam-2-Cam sex has more votes as cheating on a spouse than the last option of none of the above. Sharing pictures, vids, and having phone sex are about equal with the none of the above. Still very much a split decision on these activities.

I would appreciate more responses with details on your thoughts.

 

[OutofTune]

it depends on the boundaries of each relationship.

 

[RuReal]

it depends on the boundaries of each relationship.

I agree with this 100%. It is what makes this poll a bit messed up. It is not about what someone else thinks it is about how you and your other half have established your relationship and the rules around it. I would say that each party should have a pretty good idea on what would cross the line.

Would there be an argument or tension if your partner were to see what you are doing?

 

[pyrat]

I agree with the "boundaries of each relationship"

I think we should listen a little less to other's definitions of right or wrong and a little more to our own intuition. As a Human being I am blessed with desires and aversions that are all my own. As a part of a relationship if I am demanding or giving accountability then I am not expressing my trust, love and freedom. We become not just the judge and jury of our own minds but those that we love, guilt will follow.

Passion is like fire, let in a little air and it will burn hotter.

 

[alleycat93]

So the counts between "None of the above" and the live sex options (cam-2-cam, phone sex, & sexting) have remained close. "None of the above" has moved back in front.

Appears to be a close decision. I appreciate the comments. Though few of the comments appear to support the votes that the digital live sex options as cheating.

If you haven't voted, please vote. It you have an opinion to express, please do so.

Thanks to all.

 

[alleycat93]

It has been a month since the previous post. So one more bump and one more posting of latest updates.

Anyone else want to vote in the poll or provide any insights?

 

[sereneone4u]

All of the above are cheating in my opinion.

 

[paul_morphy]

All of the above are cheating in my opinion.

Really? You think that your partner should be privy to everything you read?

 

[alleycat93]

Time to renew this topic of discussion.

What are your thoughts?

 

[HeyAll]

Tricky question.

But I'd have to imagine, if my wife was doing any of these things, would I consider it cheating?

So my answer is yes. If I found out my wife was sexting or talking on the phone with another guy, or any of that stuff, I would be upset and consider that cheating.

 

[Leslie22]

Not cheating.

 

[BiTodd]

Not cheating.

I am with her....

 

[SweetSam42]

For me it comes down to whether you think that your S.O. would be hurt by your actions, whatever degree they are. That is then a betrayal of trust, and problematic for a relationship.

That said, I have no patience for people who don't "allow" their S.O.s to view porn or read erotica. That's completely ridiculous.

For me, I know that my antics here are not anywhere near actions that would end my marriage if found out, but a lot of what I do here is done in secret from my spouse, and therefore certainly constitute a betrayal. I struggle with where I should draw the line - what here is helping my relationship vs. what could ultimately hurt it.

 

[best_name_ever]

it really depends on your significant other. whatever your significant other consider is cheating...whatever their boundary is...is cheating. period. nothing you say or do will change that.

 

[ElijaRDC]

As others have stated, I believe that cheating is whatever your spouse or significant other considers it to be. You have to know their boundaries and respect them.

For me, Lit stories and porn movies like you'd find on pornhub aren't cheating. I would, however, consider receiving pics or videos on a personal level to be cheating. For me, cheating is about the desire for an emotional or sexual connection with someone outside the marriage or relationship, if that makes sense.

 

[SweetSam42]

As others have stated, I believe that cheating is whatever your spouse or significant other considers it to be. You have to know their boundaries and respect them.

For me, Lit stories and porn movies like you'd find on pornhub aren't cheating. I would, however, consider receiving pics or videos on a personal level to be cheating. For me, cheating is about the desire for an emotional or sexual connection with someone outside the marriage or relationship, if that makes sense.

Well said. I sadly, and guiltily, agree.

 

[GorgeousGeekGirl]

I would say whatever takes your affection from your SO and directs it elsewhere. I'm here on Lit because of a sexless marriage.

He would rather masturbate to porn than be with me. He finds other activities that conflict with our intimacy time. He chats and expresses his desires and needs to other women, leaving me out in the cold.

So after 9 years I snapped, since I couldn't fuck him, I joined him. I read my stories and have my chat playmates. I have my online friends and go find things to do I enjoy, and no longer patiently endure the activity he's chosen for us. And I masturbate when he's not around because I don't want him screwing it up for me.

So now he's pissed and says he would be intimate with me only if I give up my chatting. I tell him it's bullshit because if that were the case, we would have had sex before I went online. Every couple months I indulge him for a couple weeks: no stories, no chatting, no masturbating, sleeping in the same bed, and doing the boring, meaningless shit he likes. And again, still no sex, just excuses. So I go back to my chat and stories. The longer this goes on, the less of a rats ass I give. I've even told him flat out I want an open marriage so I can get laid

So am I being a hypocrit by doing things I condemned? Yes. What is my excuse? The childish he did it to me first.

 

[BiTodd]

I would say whatever takes your affection from your SO and directs it elsewhere. I'm here on Lit because of a sexless marriage.

He would rather masturbate to porn than be with me. He finds other activities that conflict with our intimacy time. He chats and expresses his desires and needs to other women, leaving me out in the cold.

So after 9 years I snapped, since I couldn't fuck him, I joined him. I read my stories and have my chat playmates. I have my online friends and go find things to do I enjoy, and no longer patiently endure the activity he's chosen for us. And I masturbate when he's not around because I don't want him screwing it up for me.

So now he's pissed and says he would be intimate with me only if I give up my chatting. I tell him it's bullshit because if that were the case, we would have had sex before I went online. Every couple months I indulge him for a couple weeks: no stories, no chatting, no masturbating, sleeping in the same bed, and doing the boring, meaningless shit he likes. And again, still no sex, just excuses. So I go back to my chat and stories. The longer this goes on, the less of a rats ass I give. I've even told him flat out I want an open marriage so I can get laid

So am I being a hypocrit by doing things I condemned? Yes. What is my excuse? The childish he did it to me first.

I understand the problem and have been there for years as well, Thanks for sharing.

 

[SensualOptions]

If I don't kiss them, or fuck them, it is not cheating.

 

[Scheherazade73]

If You Have to Think About It...

...it's cheating.

There is a difference, for me, between contact with another person, even anonymously (i.e. sex on cam or naughty chat) and watching two anonymous people fucking on a porn site/reading a story/looking at pictures. I consider "interactive" contact cheating...because I am titillating another and they are titillating me. But anonymous voyeurism that doesn't take place in real time or expressly for my purpose is not cheating.

Of course, those are my rules and my SO is on the same page. Everyone else has their own thing.