Is CyberSex cheating on a spouse?

[JoyDyan]

That's an interesting take on it.

As a man I would have to say that no, I've never done any of those things mentioned - or more - without feelings for the person involved and couldn't without some level of comfort with them, trusting them, and opening myself up to them.

But, at the same time, if I could indulge in cybersex with them then I see no reason why I wouldn't want to indulge in RL sex with them. If I had a spouse I would regard the one as cheating no less or no more than the other, if I regarded either as cheating at all.

Fortunately, I don't have a spouse so the question is academic but, for what it's worth, I don't believe that one person can ever be everything that another person needs in life, so a lifestyle that allows a certain amount of freedom to both participants in a relationship is essential. If you were bi, for example, would the fact that you were in a straight relationship mean that you should suppress that whole aspect of your nature?

I look at it from the SO perspective. How would *I* feel if I found out that he was cybersexing with someone else - by PM, email, texting, cam, any of these? I would feel hurt and betrayed, for sure, because he was sharing intimacy in the relationship with someone outside of it. The form of interaction doesn't really matter.

The difference between porn and cybersexing is the personal interaction. Porn actors don't interact with you.

 

[SweetSam42]

Let me ask you this, as a female. I'm not judging in any way cause lord knows I am no saint..
Have you as a woman, done any of those you mentioned with no feelings? I myself can not get naked on a cam, phone sex etc with someone whom I do not have some level of comfort with, which means I trust them, which also means I've opened myself up to them in some way.
Just curious... cause if you have.. Can you teach me how you do it.

Well, I guess I need to define "feelings." I need to have some kind of connection with a person for any of this to work for me. I respect the men I have interacted with, and expect them to respect me, and am comfortable with and trust them. I have even desired and lusted one or two. I have had crushes, but that doesn't cross a line for me. I'm not in love with anyone here. If I were, then that would present a problem for me.

And Norfolklad, I don't see wanting to have actual sex with a partner/playmate here to be a problem either. If you go ahead and have that actual sex, then all bets are off, but that desire? All a part of the Lit game for me.

And JoyDyan, really good point about feeling betrayed yourself. And perhaps that's what it comes down to. I wouldn't feel betrayed if my husband participated in PMs, sexting, cam, etc. Now, if he was professing love and devotion to someone, that's different. As for the personal interaction - someone described all of this to me as "interactive masturbation." Before I get too long-winded (too late?), I guess I just don't see the harm.

Now, if my actions here interfere with my relationship with my husband, then that's a problem, and one to be mindful of.

 

[JoyDyan]

Well, I guess I need to define "feelings." I need to have some kind of connection with a person for any of this to work for me. I respect the men I have interacted with, and expect them to respect me, and am comfortable with and trust them. I have even desired and lusted one or two. I have had crushes, but that doesn't cross a line for me. I'm not in love with anyone here. If I were, then that would present a problem for me.

And Norfolklad, I don't see wanting to have actual sex with a partner/playmate here to be a problem either. If you go ahead and have that actual sex, then all bets are off, but that desire? All a part of the Lit game for me.

And JoyDyan, really good point about feeling betrayed yourself. And perhaps that's what it comes down to. I wouldn't feel betrayed if my husband participated in PMs, sexting, cam, etc. Now, if he was professing love and devotion to someone, that's different. As for the personal interaction - someone described all of this to me as "interactive masturbation." Before I get too long-winded (too late?), I guess I just don't see the harm.

Now, if my actions here interfere with my relationship with my husband, then that's a problem, and one to be mindful of.

You're a smart chick, Sweetness...I guess my point would be, how would *he* feel about it?

And if he's good with it, then that's totally your bidness. I can only speak for myself and how I would feel...I wouldn't purport to speak for anyone else.

 

[Rozalin_0123]

Well, I guess I need to define "feelings." I need to have some kind of connection with a person for any of this to work for me. I respect the men I have interacted with, and expect them to respect me, and am comfortable with and trust them. I have even desired and lusted one or two. I have had crushes, but that doesn't cross a line for me. I'm not in love with anyone here. If I were, then that would present a problem for me.

And Norfolklad, I don't see wanting to have actual sex with a partner/playmate here to be a problem either. If you go ahead and have that actual sex, then all bets are off, but that desire? All a part of the Lit game for me.

And JoyDyan, really good point about feeling betrayed yourself. And perhaps that's what it comes down to. I wouldn't feel betrayed if my husband participated in PMs, sexting, cam, etc. Now, if he was professing love and devotion to someone, that's different. As for the personal interaction - someone described all of this to me as "interactive masturbation." Before I get too long-winded (too late?), I guess I just don't see the harm.

Now, if my actions here interfere with my relationship with my husband, then that's a problem, and one to be mindful of.

I agree with you 100%. I couldn't do these things with just a random person out of the blue. There has to be some connection or it wouldn't even be enjoyable. Its about establishing that line with whomever you may indulge in these things with as well as to those who you are in a relationship with. My spouses don't mind me "playing" here, it usually leads to me getting hot and bothered then they get to reap the benefits

 

[xjasminex]

Enter grey areas

There are so many ways to be intimate with someone, and then you throw in the divide between 'emotional cheating' and 'physical cheating' as SweetSam42 has alluded to. How differently would you feel about the situations of your SO falling in love with someone else but they haven't touched each other, compared to them having had sex with someone they don't have any romantic feelings for?

This makes me a hypocrite I know, but I've had cybersex with some people and flirt with people all the time without my boyfriend knowing, and it doesn't feel like cheating to me because I consider these people to be more like friends than anyone I really have romantic feelings for. It's recreational, steps below sport-fucking. BUT If my boyfriend had done the same thing I would be uncomfortable and... honestly, yes upset, about it, because the way he views sex, as he's impressed upon me often, is that for himself, he would only be able to be sexual with someone if he cared deeply for them. Love and lust are one and the same thing for him, whereas for me they separate. If he felt differently about sex I wouldn't care at all if he were getting busy with people online. Hell, I'd join him.

'Emotional cheating' bothers me immensely more than 'physical cheating', but because he couldn't do one without the other, and I can, it bothers me in him, but not myself. It sounds like a convenient excuse to be unfair doesn't it? Since my partner and my definition and boundaries for cheating differ, what does this mean for my actions? Have I cheated? How unfair am I really being?

 

[GoodbyeGirl]

I tend to agree that cyber/phone sex isn't cheating. However, what if an emotional component creeps into the situation? Isn't it inevitable if you talk to someone regularly and engage in fantasy together?

Or, maybe it's just me.

 

[BrizzyGuyMWM]

I am not sure i have an answer as to what i believe constitutes cheating but i indulge in cyber and suchlike mainly because we don't have any sexual relationship in our marriage as the SO doesn't want to any more.

I am not sure i would actually stray as i would feel too guilty etc but roleplaying and cyber probably is my way of fulfilling my sexual requirements or needs (sad i know).

I probably tell myself i do it to stop myself straying but that could just be me trying to warrant why i do it. I dont feel proud of what i do by the way in case it might come across that i do.

 

[xjasminex]

I tend to agree that cyber/phone sex isn't cheating. However, what if an emotional component creeps into the situation? Isn't it inevitable if you talk to someone regularly and engage in fantasy together?

Or, maybe it's just me.

But what sort of emotional component would this be? I can be fond of someone I'm attracted to without having a crush on them. I can love who someone is without loving them. I personally wouldn't ever be able to fall for someone through cyber/phone sex because until I've met them in person they're not really real. They're a voice and an avatar. Getting nekkid and busy with them in those circumstances doesn't make them any more real, and I assume I'm not to them either.

 

[justits]

For me, any sexual activity with another person that is not your partner is considered cheating.
With or without emotional attachment, it's still cheating.

 

[Blazexx]

Depends. If it is just sexual messages back and forth then as long as those doing it are aware and don't get too carried away then probably not. However if it spills over offline then it would be a problem.

 

[GoodbyeGirl]

But what sort of emotional component would this be? I can be fond of someone I'm attracted to without having a crush on them. I can love who someone is without loving them. I personally wouldn't ever be able to fall for someone through cyber/phone sex because until I've met them in person they're not really real. They're a voice and an avatar. Getting nekkid and busy with them in those circumstances doesn't make them any more real, and I assume I'm not to them either.

Let's say, more than fond of. And I don't know that "falling for" is the right terminology. Let's just say that I maybe think about him a little too often.

And the not real part? I know we're engaging in escapism and fantasy, but that doesn't mean he's not real to me, or I to him. I can't have phone sex with someone who I don't have any kind of relationship with. When you talk to someone daily for months in addition to having the sexual fantasies, I think an emotional attachment of sorts is just part of what can happen.

Let's just say I'll be sad when it's over.

 

[michael2956]

It is. And I'm ready to cheat.

 

[CBM514]

IMO any "sexual type activity" with another person (virtual or otherwise) with out your partners knowledge and agreement/participation is considered cheating to me...

 

[Beck31]

Exactly.

 

[AltruisticDelights]

For me, any sexual activity with another person that is not your partner is considered cheating.
With or without emotional attachment, it's still cheating.

I share this sentiment. Granted there is the caveat to that theory as there are open relationships, swingers, things of that nature. Whoever said whatever your partner feels is cheating is cheating ultimately. That is between you and your partner. For me personally, what you said exactly fits to my relationships.

That being said, who's down to cheat ?