Is it possible to have a plain vanilla sex?

[wayfarm]

Let me go through my collection and see if I can come up with a few titles for you.

Excellent thanks.

I know that the experience and our needs are different for each of us. I admire the interests that you all have and see everyone as unique. My desires are more of the mind. I don't really have a whips, dips, & chains approach. Hell, I'd prefer her in a cute satin outfit any day. I simply lean more towards the aspects of control be it mental or physical.

I have had a very successful relationship with a gal for over a year that interacted well with all this. Somtimes we could have really intense sessions, and other times I knew she needed to be held. In the end we had attended a Erotica show that was fun.

I also had a short relationship with someone that needed more physical input (torture) than I could give. Heck, I'm still learning what I like.

Anyway TMI.

WF

 

[CutieMouse]

You might try reading When Someone You Love is Kinky; you might also look into Taken in Hand / Domestic Discipline websites (try googling them), which approach BDSM from a Christian perspective.

BTW - my "wrist cuffs & ball gag" comment was a bit tongue -in-cheek.

 

[pandoravampire]

The film The Secretary is another bdsm film in mainstream. Very romantic, and not offputting to vanilla's.

Ive had a 13 yr marriage, that was vanilla. I was a virgin when i met him. Sex was kinda dull but ok, and i could always finish myself off afterwards

Then went onto bdsm in my 20's. As it was what id wanted all along, but couldnt ask for at the time.

I think for most of us, this is out of our comfort zone.
Until you actually can trust someone, its always going to be out of our comfort zone. And we dont just arrive into bdsm fully fledged perverts. You have to grow and discover what types of play work, and what dont. Just like vanilla's do.
BDSM relationships work in exactly the same way as vanilla's. They grow, slowly, with evidenced trust being built up over time. So that once you feel safe, and can trust someone, your willing to experiment a little, have a little fun. Suck it n see.
Some forms of play are fab, some leave me scratching my head and wondering what all the fuss is about.
In my 40s now, i know that there are areas of my interest, that leave him stone cold. And visa versa. You just need to be find some common ground that works.
And the ability to truly talk with your loved one about such matters, learning together as you go.

And despite being in a 24/7 D/s relationship, I still adore missionary, no toys in sight, just making love. Just not all the time please.


Would i commit to a vanilla relationship? No.
I cannot. I am a person that needs a D/s dynamic, in order to accept love, attention, nurturing and support. Without that dynamic, this relationship would go the way of previous, where i take over control, then bitch about having to do everything. The kinky sex ive been able to get very easily for decades. Vanilla is just a word. Can mean frigid, can mean anal every day. Depends on the people involved and what you wish to make of it.

I wish you well.
pandoravampire

 

[FurryFury]

The input is valued, but it seems that some of you are gasping at what I have not shared with her. We are but three months in. At what point did you all share your preferences and leanings?

As soon as I knew what they were I discussed them with my current husband. In fact, we both went over our sexual histories in some detail before our first date.

I would not hide all that though I might not flaunt it either. I was ignorant about what I wanted for some time. If I had faced it sooner I would have told him sooner. If that meant we wouldn't be together, that's okay.

If I were ever single again, I would now, actually actively look for what I knew I wanted. Then again, sex is very important to me. It always has been. I hope it always is. I have much time to make up for and not enough time in this world to do it.

*chuckles*

I've never watched 9 and 1/2 Weeks btw, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like it.

Secretary OTOH, I did like.

 

[RJMasters]

I enjoyed 9 1/2 weeks quite a bit myself.

Not your typical fairy tale D/s story, more BDSM, but watching her transition, confusion, passion, fear, giddy naughtiness....certainly worth watcing just for that.

Some of the sex scenes in that movie were just hot. Fueled by her discovery, he certainly knew how to push and twist her to his desire. A shame he didn't know where to draw the line and allowed his own destructive behaviors to be realized through their relationship.

I think it is a great example of what happens when you break your partner or when you step over limits which should not have been stepped over and that the consequences are real and permant because of the pain and misturst. People tend to like movies with a happy ending, after thinking long about it, I don't think this movie could have ended any better, because it showed what happens when you constantly try to push the edge and end up losing perspective and control.

 

[wayfarm]

I enjoyed 9 1/2 weeks quite a bit myself.

Not your typical fairy tale D/s story, more BDSM, but watching her transition, confusion, passion, fear, giddy naughtiness....certainly worth watcing just for that.

Some of the sex scenes in that movie were just hot. Fueled by her discovery, he certainly knew how to push and twist her to his desire. A shame he didn't know where to draw the line and allowed his own destructive behaviors to be realized through their relationship.

I think it is a great example of what happens when you break your partner or when you step over limits which should not have been stepped over and that the consequences are real and permant because of the pain and misturst. People tend to like movies with a happy ending, after thinking long about it, I don't think this movie could have ended any better, because it showed what happens when you constantly try to push the edge and end up losing perspective and control.

That is a really good sumary of what I see in the movie. It has been some time, but that is what I recall. The scene where he calls her a nasty fucker.....Whew, i was about 16 when I first saw it, and I knew I was bent.

He makes the bed in a seaside house, and she asks, "Why are you making the bed?" Basically, because we will be fucking. Plain and simple.

I did see secratry (sp?). I did not like it. She was a cutter. Often times, cutters move on to other thing to calm the storm. That is not someone who is in a healthy place. I'm not making accusations, just speaking from an experience from someone who I dated for a while, but eventually realized, I could not love.

Best input on this thread:
from pandoravampire
Vanilla is just a word. Can mean frigid, can mean anal every day. Depends on the people involved and what you wish to make of it.

Sometimes, I just want to hold her, and I don't even need the sex, sometimes I need to feel a push back, and resistance. Geez, who the hell knows. I sure don't.

Again, thanks much for your input, or even if you just read along.

WF

 

[FurryFury]

I sure do like happy endings.

I am not very tolerant of ugly or abuse in films or anywhere else.

However, Death Proof, is an example of an ugly happy ending I did enjoy.

I wish you well.

Every time you say how unimportant sex is to you right now it raises the hair on the back of my neck though.

 

[twysted73]

My thoughts on this...

So I'm in a close and intimate relationship with a straight vanilla type girl. On all other fronts besides sex, she is great.

The other day, I had been watching Fashionistas, and she found one of the DVDs that I neglected to put away. (What an idiot I am.) She commented, "what in the world is that?" I ignored her request, and she never asked again.

Lately, during our intimacy sessions, I have had to clear out my head. I think of things like pulling her hair, making her repeat nasty sayings....You know.

Is it possible that someone who has BDSM leanings to have a vanilla relationship? I really don't want to go fulfilling my needs outside of our relationship.

WF

I feel that unless you have some life-altering moment that turns you off of BDSM either for yourself personally or towards another person who you plan to be with for a while, it's very much a pandora's box. Once you cross that point from vanilla to this side of things, your thoughts are forever changed. Your perceptions, moods, expressions are changed in varying ways and intensities.
The only time I can recall not wanting something D/s or S/m would have to be the first time I had sex waaaaay back. And that was due to my nervousness and such. (had too many other things to focus on and be freaked out about)

Now, it sounds as if your girlfriend isn't on the same page of music.
You might want to open up and tell her about the potential she's currently sleeping with.
You might find a hidden wildcat hidden within that "shocked" & demure exterior of hers.
As for myself, I have (for a while now) sought out women who have that twist in them already. It's become so commonplace now that I can usually tell within the first 5 minutes of talking to someone if they have "it" in them. (whether they are aware of it or not)

"Kink Radar". It's not such a bad thing you know. I've grown to love it. Makes for interesting relationships for sure.

 

[wayfarm]

Actuallly, tonight is 91/2 weeks nite. Going to cook a nice meal, sit down and watch the movie. See what happens. Sometimes something will happen and it appears as if she could be somewhere near a place of comfort.

I also know that in the last couple of weeks of reading posts on this forum, I'm what has been referred to as a wanna be. Doesn't bother me in the least.

I have no cuffs, no hanging ceiling apparatus. I just like a bit of a mind bend, and tussle. Heck, I might not even be so much myself.

I'm still very much so figuring out my own way.

WF

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Hi wayfarm,

We all started off as wannabe's, then we either grow into what we are and where we want to go, or find that this isn't really what we're into, or we can turn into pretendabe's.

It's a journey, not necessarily a destination. Keep going, keep growing. Eventually you'll get to where ever it is you are heading.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[wayfarm]

Hi wayfarm,

We all started off as wannabe's, then we either grow into what we are and where we want to go, or find that this isn't really what we're into, or we can turn into pretendabe's.

It's a journey, not necessarily a destination. Keep going, keep growing. Eventually you'll get to where ever it is you are heading.

This site is so good for me. I think I discovered that my leanings were a bit more dramatic than most when I saw the 20-20 report on Bella-Donna. They had bloted out a lot of a scene where she was a jail Dr. who was getting taken by a group of men. But that one 10 second clip made me go, "WOW!"
It even brings up memories of relationships past where we did bite each other, and I didn't think twice about it. Just seemed so normal with the girl I was with.

Sometimes I'll read something on this BDSM forum, and be completely turned on, other times, so confused. Like when I read that someone has a marriage lover, and a seperate lover in a D/s relationship. I'm a one guy, one gal type of lover. I am in no way judging those activities. I just know that is where my boundary is.

For the most part the other sections of this board are of little interest to me, except the How To.

.

Cutie,

If I am measured by my mind, then yes, I'm so in the right place. I like the dark little corners of my and my partners mind when we share secrets and desires that we didn't even know existed. It is so hot when someone can confide and share a dark pleasure that is purely thought. Then acting that out, whoa!

On the complete other hand, getting those fantasy land thoughts are can be trouble. A very good friend of mine lost his wife about a year ago. She had the leaning of being bisexual. We all knew this about her. You could read it a mile away. She left her husband of 6 years for a girl. OUCH!

WF

 

[Byakuya]

I'm married to a vanilla woman, so yes it's possible.. not always satisfying, but it is possible..

 

[SweetErika]

On the complete other hand, getting those fantasy land thoughts are can be trouble. A very good friend of mine lost his wife about a year ago. She had the leaning of being bisexual. We all knew this about her. You could read it a mile away. She left her husband of 6 years for a girl. OUCH!

WF

If she left her husband, especially for another person (their gender is irrelevant, IMO), she did so because she wasn't happy with him, not because she acted out her fantasy or explored her FF desires.

I have extramarital relationships and act on many of my desires; doing so doesn't inspire me to leave my marriage because I'm extremely happy with it and love my husband far too much to leave. If, however, I was going outside of the relationship because I was generally dissatisfied with it or my spouse, I have no doubt I'd leave.

People don't end relationships when they're happy, satisfied and will continue to feel that way for the foreseeable future.

As for your original question, yes, I can be happy in a traditional relationship. However, my traditional partner must respect and support the fact that I'm NOT traditional and I need to be able to satisfy my need for kink openly when it arises (whether that's through media, community events or relationships with other kinky people). So, the ability to get my need for kink met is always going to be a part of my relationships, even if a particular partner isn't meeting that need themselves.

 

[wayfarm]

Well, it didn't go so well. I understand that specific details are inappropriate, so I'm attempting to find a way to communicate the broad strokes of what occured.

We were being intimate, and she was going down on me. I did enjoy it, and after finishing, I got up to give her something to clean up with. I turned to look at her, and the look on her face just said bad things. She looked positively empty, and distraught.

Turns out, she is willing to do things because it pleases me, but it has no pleasure for her. We compared me going down on her, and her going down on me. I truly enjoy doing that for her, and hearing and feeling her reactions. She is willing to try things on me, but takes no pleasure in the process of giving.

I told her I see this as a red flag to our intimacy. Why do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable? I approached my own leanings of what turns me on, but realized we had to discuss one thing at a time.

I think she doesn't want to do things out of her comfort zone, and possibly, waiting to have sex is her way of putting off getting out of her comfort zone.

So I think this may not work. Maybe, I'm being negative right now because this all just happened. I need to sort out my thoughts.

WF

 

[wayfarm]

If she left her husband, especially for another person (their gender is irrelevant, IMO), she did so because she wasn't happy with him, not because she acted out her fantasy or explored her FF desires.

I have extramarital relationships and act on many of my desires; doing so doesn't inspire me to leave my marriage because I'm extremely happy with it and love my husband far too much to leave. If, however, I was going outside of the relationship because I was generally dissatisfied with it or my spouse, I have no doubt I'd leave.

People don't end relationships when they're happy, satisfied and will continue to feel that way for the foreseeable future.

As for your original question, yes, I can be happy in a traditional relationship. However, my traditional partner must respect and support the fact that I'm NOT traditional and I need to be able to satisfy my need for kink openly when it arises (whether that's through media, community events or relationships with other kinky people). So, the ability to get my need for kink met is always going to be a part of my relationships, even if a particular partner isn't meeting that need themselves.

SweetErika, thanks for your input.

I also think people do things impulsively. In the case of my buddy, she is currently asking to come back home. I hope he stays clear of her. But, I was wrong to bring that up in this thread. That is such a different topic.

I respect the aspect of your open marriage. As for me, I don't want to be married and have extramarital affairs. I'm hoping for the well rounded relationship.

WF

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Theralie]

I may be late coming to this conversation but I can't help but contribute my experience.

I've been in many sexual relationships with completely vanilla guys and I found that for a while it's ok, you're in love and you don't care. But then you needs take over and you find yourself settling for sex that you're not completely happy with. For me it was hard to realize that in order for me to be truly happy in all facets of a relationship, the person I'm with has to be at least partially interested in my needs.

 

[FurryFury]

I've found people are far more willing to do just about anything prior to getting married. The willingness and somewhat false demeanor often changes right after the legalities are taken care of.

 

[somberReality]

As many have witnessed here, a satisfying sex life is crucial to a great relationship (don't deny it, it's true) so if she does not wish to try things you would like to try.......well.......i think you know what that entails.

I have to admit, i'm not much of a giver in bed either. So I can't really offer any helpful imput.

 

[somberReality]

I'm married to a vanilla woman, so yes it's possible.. not always satisfying, but it is possible..

Been down that road with my hubby, me being the one who wanted to try things. It strained the marriage, and now it's over (that being one of many reasons it ended and not the main reason). I hope you have better results.

 

[HB1965]

Is it possible? Sure it is. I had Vanilla sex for eight years when I was running scared of certain things. I actually enjoyed it too mostly because I just enjoy sex period. I truly believe that there is a lot about sex that is cerebral. It's what you make it.

 

[midwestyankee]

Of course it's possible, but it's simply not advisable.

I speak from a mere 30 years of being with someone whose interests, appetites, and desires vary from mine as a flashlight varies from the sun. FF is right, of course. In Western culture we have developed the practice of acting outside ourselves to attract a desirable mate. Sometimes it's the woman who behaves this way and sometimes it's the man. It's like dressing your very best to go on a date. At some point in the relationship you decide that it's ok to put a sweater over a rumpled shirt.

At some point in the relationship, someone decides that it's ok to say no to giving head or to being tied to the bed, or to repeating nasty phrases in the heat of passion.

Sure, you can have vanilla sex but if your true nature lies in sampling all the wares at Baskin Robbins, how happy are you ever going to be?

 

[pleasantville]

you must be true to yourself

 

[SweetErika]

Well, it didn't go so well. I understand that specific details are inappropriate, so I'm attempting to find a way to communicate the broad strokes of what occured.

We were being intimate, and she was going down on me. I did enjoy it, and after finishing, I got up to give her something to clean up with. I turned to look at her, and the look on her face just said bad things. She looked positively empty, and distraught.

Turns out, she is willing to do things because it pleases me, but it has no pleasure for her. We compared me going down on her, and her going down on me. I truly enjoy doing that for her, and hearing and feeling her reactions. She is willing to try things on me, but takes no pleasure in the process of giving.

I told her I see this as a red flag to our intimacy. Why do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable? I approached my own leanings of what turns me on, but realized we had to discuss one thing at a time.

I think she doesn't want to do things out of her comfort zone, and possibly, waiting to have sex is her way of putting off getting out of her comfort zone.

So I think this may not work. Maybe, I'm being negative right now because this all just happened. I need to sort out my thoughts.

WF

I don't think you're just being negative, it sounds like you're correct in your thought that it's a big red flag for longer-term happiness.

I respect the aspect of your open marriage. As for me, I don't want to be married and have extramarital affairs. I'm hoping for the well rounded relationship.

Because you said you're interested in opening your mind and learning here, I'm going to address this.

I won't speak for others (though I know many are in the same boat), but polyamorous is just a part of who I am, just like my sexuality and dominance. I don't have other relationships because my marriage isn't well-rounded; in fact, I'm perfectly happy being monogamous for years at a time. I'm simply happiest when I have the option to share love when I'm lucky enough to have that special connection with someone. It's just the way I am and work best, NOT a function of a broken primary relationship.

And, really, even if I had other relationships because something was missing in my marriage, I think that'd be a sign of just how well-rounded our marriage was. Open relationships take more work, strength and a stronger foundation than closed relationships to be successful, and those are hallmarks of a well-rounded relationship, in my experience.

Perhaps you have a natural monogamous orientation, just like you (presumably) are naturally straight and into D/s. If so, that's great, and I think you can be just as happy, with healthy, fulfilling relationships, as I am with my orientation and open relationship.

No style is better or worse or more/less well-rounded, they're just different ways of expressing ourselves and finding happiness.