Is it possible to have a plain vanilla sex?

[JMohegan]

Well, it didn't go so well. I understand that specific details are inappropriate, so I'm attempting to find a way to communicate the broad strokes of what occured.

We were being intimate, and she was going down on me. I did enjoy it, and after finishing, I got up to give her something to clean up with. I turned to look at her, and the look on her face just said bad things. She looked positively empty, and distraught.

Turns out, she is willing to do things because it pleases me, but it has no pleasure for her. We compared me going down on her, and her going down on me. I truly enjoy doing that for her, and hearing and feeling her reactions. She is willing to try things on me, but takes no pleasure in the process of giving.

I told her I see this as a red flag to our intimacy. Why do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable? I approached my own leanings of what turns me on, but realized we had to discuss one thing at a time.

I think she doesn't want to do things out of her comfort zone, and possibly, waiting to have sex is her way of putting off getting out of her comfort zone.

So I think this may not work. Maybe, I'm being negative right now because this all just happened. I need to sort out my thoughts.

WF

Love me, love my cock.

That's Sex 101, as far as I'm concerned.

If she doesn't openly and actively relish the taste, texture, and sight, if she isn't just as honored and delighted as she could possibly be at the opportunity to express her affection for me by expressing affection for the instrument of my passion, then she doesn't belong in my bedroom.

No excuses. No exceptions. This is totally non-negotiable, and it has absolutely nothing to do with kink.

 

[RJMasters]

Love me, love my cock.

That's Sex 101, as far as I'm concerned.

If she doesn't openly and actively relish the taste, texture, and sight, if she isn't just as honored and delighted as she could possibly be at the opportunity to express her affection for me by expressing affection for the instrument of my passion, then she doesn't belong in my bedroom.

No excuses. No exceptions. This is totally non-negotiable, and it has absolutely nothing to do with kink.

You sure you don't want to think about this some more? You sound a bit undecisive.

 

[wayfarm]

Love me, love my cock.

That's Sex 101, as far as I'm concerned.

If she doesn't openly and actively relish the taste, texture, and sight, if she isn't just as honored and delighted as she could possibly be at the opportunity to express her affection for me by expressing affection for the instrument of my passion, then she doesn't belong in my bedroom.

No excuses. No exceptions. This is totally non-negotiable, and it has absolutely nothing to do with kink.

I understand what you are saying, but I don't expect this level of committment to my dick. I may have a lower expectation for her ability to honor my member. I do expect some delight on her end.

Put it this way, I'm trimmed, but not bald. (TMI?)
When she had not commented on it, I finally asked if she noticed. She replied that she didn't notice a differance.

I hope to not put all of her faults out here. It is rather one sided, and unfair. She is a fantastic gal, with a wealth of intelligence, and capcity to love and support.

We are actually atending a conference on relationships this weekend. I think we may get some light on her expectations and desires yet.

WF

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[midwestyankee]

I hate to give anyone false hope, but I will say that at 19 (my first sexual experience), he suggested oral and I went "Ewwwww... you PEE out of that thing!" To say it was difficult to wrap my head around the pleasures of oral, would be an understatement. Now that I'm in my 30s (and made a conscious decision to enjoy sex, to never feel guilty about sex, to take charge of my sex life)... well, lets just say my attitude regarding oral sex isn't the same as it was when I was 19.

But you eat with that thing. You put broccoli and lima beans in there.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[midwestyankee]

And sushi... you forgot the sushi.

That's the nuclear option, babe.

 

[JMohegan]

I understand what you are saying, but I don't expect this level of committment to my dick.

That's what I thought, and pardon me for saying so - but it seems very likely to me that this is a big reason why you're not getting it.

I'm reading this thread, and your attitude is coming off as guilt (hiding the toys), shame (as in your reaction to the DVD incident), suppression of basic sexual urges ("I found my hand wrapped deeply into her hair. I almost started pulling it back"), and acceptance of something that should be totally unacceptable (she "takes no pleasure in the process of giving").

The woman in question is not a trembling 16 year old virgin. She's been married before, right? I'm not saying that you should ignore her reservations, but I do think that fostering and openly communicating a sense of your own entitlement will be key in improving your sex life - and hers.

I understand that she's still uncomfortable and wary of certain things. But I see absolutely no hope for improving her comfort level unless you start acting as if a certain level of enthusiastic intimacy is not only moral, but also a fundamental component of a healthy, loving relationship. The most natural and beautiful thing in the world.

 

[HottieMama]

That's what I thought, and pardon me for saying so - but it seems very likely to me that this is a big reason why you're not getting it.

I'm reading this thread, and your attitude is coming off as guilt (hiding the toys), shame (as in your reaction to the DVD incident), suppression of basic sexual urges ("I found my hand wrapped deeply into her hair. I almost started pulling it back"), and acceptance of something that should be totally unacceptable (she "takes no pleasure in the process of giving").

The woman in question is not a trembling 16 year old virgin. She's been married before, right? I'm not saying that you should ignore her reservations, but I do think that fostering and openly communicating a sense of your own entitlement will be key in improving your sex life - and hers.

I understand that she's still uncomfortable and wary of certain things. But I see absolutely no hope for improving her comfort level unless you start acting as if a certain level of enthusiastic intimacy is not only moral, but also a fundamental component of a healthy, loving relationship. The most natural and beautiful thing in the world.

Totally agree with this.

If "you" don't fully believe "i" should worship/beg for/serve/pleasure you cock any way you want me to, then why should "i?"

(Crude...but that's how it is for me...)

 

[JMohegan]

You sure you don't want to think about this some more? You sound a bit undecisive.

Attitude is everything, and a certain sense of entitlement is key - especially for those who want to play on the Top side.

Do you disagree?

 

[JMohegan]

If "you" don't fully believe "i" should worship/beg for/serve/pleasure you cock any way you want me to, then why should "i?"

Exactly.

Thanks.

 

[wayfarm]

That's what I thought, and pardon me for saying so - but it seems very likely to me that this is a big reason why you're not getting it.

I'm reading this thread, and your attitude is coming off as guilt (hiding the toys), shame (as in your reaction to the DVD incident), suppression of basic sexual urges ("I found my hand wrapped deeply into her hair. I almost started pulling it back"), and acceptance of something that should be totally unacceptable (she "takes no pleasure in the process of giving").

The woman in question is not a trembling 16 year old virgin. She's been married before, right? I'm not saying that you should ignore her reservations, but I do think that fostering and openly communicating a sense of your own entitlement will be key in improving your sex life - and hers.

I understand that she's still uncomfortable and wary of certain things. But I see absolutely no hope for improving her comfort level unless you start acting as if a certain level of enthusiastic intimacy is not only moral, but also a fundamental component of a healthy, loving relationship. The most natural and beautiful thing in the world.

This is a great post. Well thought out and with references. While I don't think every reference is accurately used, it is indication of how much thought you put into it. Thank you.

As I was driving in to work, it seemed that the perfect song came on.

Oasis - Wonder Wall

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAPtTS0TYtU

"I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now"

Lets first realize that the level of kink in all of us is different. The way we choose to express it, the way we prepare and fantasize, how we act it out. In the past week of being quite active on the board, I have wondered if I am in the right place. I don't fall in line with the leather, or typical bondage wear. Hell, to get off I'd probably rather read about sex than watch it, and make my own mental imagery. That is who I am with this. Thats why I enjoy the literal intensity of how this community expresses sexuality. I know that as I have read this board, I can recall doing some of the same acts/things in different relationships and never thinking twice about it.

How my kink is expressed, I have not yet seen in anyone elses posts. I don't expect in any way to be a Unique Snow Flake (tyler durden) Ever read erotica aloud to your lover? It can be amazing!

This thread was about adapting to a mate, and yet incorporating my preferences. To that end, I got insight that my own selfish mind did not immediately see. In three years of post marriage activity, I'm learning more about being a family with this gal than I did in 10 years with my previous spouse. Raising a family is so much more important to me. That is my number one priority. Close by is a good sex life, but an unmistakeable #2.

My own confusion in leaning towards sex that is edged with physical intensity and mental twists is yet to be fully understood by me. I don't even know what I consider myself. I saw it labeled as Topping. Who knows, I might not be BDSM.

I'm hearing that to the community at large, your sex lives are a greater part of your identity than mine. I'm not going to be content to have a crappy sex life. That is why I'm paying particular attention to this. No matter how much passion I have for her if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But I think I'm more able to let go of some aspects of my kink than others would be. I'm finding out what my negotiable and non-negotiables are. I don't need to have her worship my cock. I had never even thought of that.

So I don't think I'm accepting this, I'm evaluating my choices, and yes, sharing with her in consumable portions.

Best,

WF

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[JMohegan]

This is a great post. Well thought out and with references. While I don't think every reference is accurately used, it is indication of how much thought you put into it. Thank you.

You're welcome.

I suspect that a bit of clarification might be helpful.

In three years of post marriage activity, I'm learning more about being a family with this gal than I did in 10 years with my previous spouse. Raising a family is so much more important to me. That is my number one priority. Close by is a good sex life, but an unmistakeable #2.

I am a monogamous, long term relationship kind of a guy who believes that a healthy, sustainable, kinky relationship is a relationship first, with any element of kink following as a natural expression of the bond between the participants.

But I think I'm more able to let go of some aspects of my kink than others would be. I'm finding out what my negotiable and non-negotiables are. I don't need to have her worship my cock. I had never even thought of that.

The most meaningful, spectacular, and exquisitely erotic moments of my life have involved physically tender expressions of profound emotional intimacy. Therefore, at the very top of my list of satisfying sexual experiences I would place that which is commonly referred to as "vanilla sex".

My appreciation for kink does not change that fact.

However, the growth of emotional intimacy is a reciprocal process. And over the course of the relationship, in order to get to that point of spectacular emotional intimacy, my physical needs must be honored and enthusiastically met. I can be exceedingly patient and understanding. But my expectations hold firm nonetheless.

Cock worship is not what I was talking about in my first post on this thread. I was saying that this woman's reaction to giving pleasure through simple oral sex would be interpreted (by me) as a slap in the face. Since I believe that physical intimacy is an expression of emotional bond, a reaction to physical intimacy that is "positively empty, and distraught" would reflect very negatively on my perception of her emotional connection as well.

My message about attitude and expectations applies to any relationship, kinky or not.

My own confusion in leaning towards sex that is edged with physical intensity and mental twists is yet to be fully understood by me. I don't even know what I consider myself. I saw it labeled as Topping. Who knows, I might not be BDSM.

Don't worry about the labels, or whether you are "BDSM".

Personally I see human sexuality as a series of spectrums, not a world divided into kinky and non.

So I don't think I'm accepting this, I'm evaluating my choices, and yes, sharing with her in consumable portions.

Sounds like you're on the right track.

Best of luck to you, wayfarm.

 

[RJMasters]

Attitude is everything, and a certain sense of entitlement is key - especially for those who want to play on the Top side.

Do you disagree?

Read: Lighthearted sarcasm (akin to: tell us how you really feel)....I just got a chuckle at how strongly and clearly you made the afore mentioned statement.

and no, I don't disagree.

 

[JMohegan]

Read: Lighthearted sarcasm (akin to: tell us how you really feel)....I just got a chuckle at how strongly and clearly you made the afore mentioned statement.

and no, I don't disagree.

Doh!

I caught the sarcasm, but not the lighthearted chuckle.

Thanks for clarifying, man.