Is this service?

[cati]

In all due respect, Sharon I understand where your coming from, but Velvet's initial post wasn't about her Master's drinking per se. It was about her excessive "service" to him and his not helping himself. You've focused only on one issue, but not the big picture. It's hardly time for her to walk away... shit.

Weight Watcher's is the absolute best! Alot of men go.

 

[Recidiva]

I couldn't disagree more strongly with your last two sentences. A functioning addict can be very charming, suave , attractive, but most important: manipulative; they have to be, that is how they acquire and maintain their array of enablers. By and large, addicts recover when they hit rock bottom. When they completely run out of enablers and are forced to face all the consequences related to their addiction. ~That~ is when they recover - if they don't die or go to jail, and I've been witness to both. It is one of the most difficult things in life to step back and watch a loved one fall into the abyss, but that's the only way one can truly help them...but this man is neither her child or her father so for her own sake, she should consider walking if he won't get help.

If one looks at the original post- "I know his eating and drinking habits are strongly comfort motivated"....making excuses for his drinking, that is textbook enabling. He's hiding his drinking - he knows he has a problem. He's putting his problem on her shoulders - 'I want you to nag me'...or rather, he's manipulating her into believing he's trying to deal with the issue. *I* see that ploy as just another con an addict runs so they can continue with their addiction while maintaining their enabler. I sincerely hope she urges him to go to AA and he goes....but the odds of that happening are stacked high against.

Yeah, I know the chapter and verse.

I think the 12 steps are one way of doing something, there are other ways, this is mine.

I don't think it's black and white.

Meataphorically you're proposing there's heaven and hell and you're damned or you're not. I believe in free will and living on Earth and that being kinda complicated. There are ways to deal with things other than current psychological models and 12 step methodology. Just as there are ways of dealing with diseases that don't involve modern medicine and still work and aren't witchcraft or superstition.

I think there are many ways to deal with problems. Some of them work for some and don't work for others.

My suggestion is to not be absolute, but to be open to possibilities you hadn't considered before.

You want to find absolute power over addiction and be victorious and not allow it to touch you.

I am suggesting positive ways of living with it, because it's everywhere. The more people you shut out of your life, the fewer chances you get to understand and help them.

Your way's fine. So's mine.

 

[Recidiva]

Indeed. If depression automatically disqualifies me, I know a lot of submissives and/or slaves who will be disappointed I'm not in the game.

But sometimes it IS necessary to let go and walk away. I'm not saying it is automatically required, I'm not hinting that it's the preferred course of action. When dealing with an alcoholic or other substance abuser, or a mentally ill person who refuses to get treatment, sometimes it's the last thing you can do to help them. When the last enabler stops enabling their illness or addiction, stops covering for them, stops making excuses... when the job fires them, when the family turns their backs and stops helping with bills and such, when there is no place else for them to turn, no one else to con, then and only then will most alcoholics seek help. It's that hard SLAM at bottom of the pit that finally jars them into wanting to get better. Sometimes.

The mentally ill can be just as tough to help as alcoholics. They have to WANT the help to get better. I had to lose janey before I sought counseling for my depression. 'Nuff said.

Geoff, just about every member of my family is some sorta sick son of a bitch who doesn't deserve a helping hand.

I love 'em, they get helping hands anyway.

I can afford it.

There's really no reason you can't have visitors at rock bottom. Sometimes the helping hand is just one holding theirs.

I'm not coming from a background of perfect people, it'd be nice if they existed, so far I haven't met one.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

There's really no reason you can't have visitors at rock bottom. Sometimes the helping hand is just one holding theirs.

I'm not saying that anyone has to be abandoned at the bottom.

But they do have to GET there, first. And the harder the bounce at the bottom, the more motivated they are to change and get out of the pit. Offering a helping hand once they are making the effort to get out is a good thing. Just make sure it is a _helping_, not a "doing it for them" hand, which simply enables them to go right back to the behaviors/addiction/mental illness that had them crashing in the first place.

janey has not abandoned me, though our paths no longer converge. She has remained my friend and housemate, we spend time together, she encourages me in my pursuit of wellness and finding happiness in my life. But she's no longer in service to me and we are no longer engaged. She refused to continue to give control to someone who wasn't IN control.

THAT was my bottom. I HAD to make changes and seek help. Now that I am doing so, things are better for me. But I do not think that our relationship will ever return to what we once had. I lost her trust and confidence and I do not think I will ever fully regain that. It is my loss as well as hers.

 

[Tyr51]

There are a lot of thoughts in this thread regarding mental illness and substance abuse. Some thoughts I agree with, some not as much, but the question at the top of this thread was "Is this service?" I'll just address my thoughts on that.

No. I don't think it is service.

It seems to boil down to this odd thought loop:
"I lack control and stability in my life at this moment. I am your Dom. You're my sub. I therefore order you to make me more in control and stable. Your service is to provide this to me."

Not so much.

First of all, I don't think one human being can even do that for another human being.

Second? You're in a D/s relationship.
Perhaps my understanding of it is skewed, but the above logic doesn't seem like it should apply in your circumstance.

As subs, we exchange power and control. As subs, we're generally the ones giving it up. I don't see how that can be maintained by somehow trying to completely alter that power exchange and calling it "service."



So, no.
I don't think it's service. And I think you don't think so either.
It sounds like you're both going through a tough time.
Take care of yourself, please. *hugs*

My mother always said two things that stick to me and might be helpful to you:

"You can always throw someone a rope. It's their choice whether they use it to climb out of the hole they've dug, or to hang themselves."

"You can't save anyone from drowning if you can't stay afloat yourself."

:\

 

[BiBunny]

I agree with what's been said here by most of the posters. While I know that you love him, this is HIS issue to deal with, and while you can be supportive, you can't fix it.

I was in a long 'nilla relationship with a guy who called himself bipolar. Personally, I just think he was an asshole, and there was nothing wrong with him that a good ass-kicking wouldn't have fixed. Anyway, he was one of those people who'd sit around and dwell on how awful things were and how much his life sucked and how it would never get better. Of course, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you're too sorry to get off your dead ass and MAKE things better, then, yeah, they're going to continue to suck.

I suppose this isn't going to be a popular thing to say, but I don't really have sympathy for people like that, people who think everything that happens to them is someone else's fault. At some point, you have to start taking responsibility for your own actions, and using addiction, mental illness, or whatever as an excuse not to is a child's way of coping with things, not an adult's.

Like me, personally, I bitch about things a LOT. It helps me blow off steam, and the more I talk about things to people with a sympathetic ear, the easier it is for me to figure out an effective course of action. I don't do it to dwell on how much my life sucks and how I'll never get out of my hole, etc. It's just that, for me, the more advice and opinions I get from other people, the easier it is to decide what the best thing to do is. There's a quote from some great person or other, don't remember who, that says, "The best thing to do is the right thing. The next-best thing is the wrong thing. The worst thing to do is nothing." That's pretty much how I feel about the subject.

I've been shy my whole life. Somewhere along the age of 17 or 18, it turned into full-blown, crippling social phobia/Social Anxiety Disorder/whatever. Add to that the fact that I had a bunch of shit go bad with personal relationships, and right after my freshman year in college, my Granny (whom I idolized and was the only person in my family who really understood me) passed away from some kind of rare cancer of the liver. Up until about six months ago, I built this huge wall around myself and hid in my own little world, despairing that things would never change. I hit rock bottom after that little debacle with my ex-Master. I withdrew from school and planned on never coming out of my hole. I tried therapy, but my therapist had a questioning style she must've learned from the Gestapo, and I quickly realized there was nothing she could do for me, since it was pretty obvious she wore her ass on her shoulder and thought my problem wasn't real.

At some point, though, I finally realized I was being the kind of person I most despised, the kind of person who wouldn't take responsibility for my own actions. Yes, I'm terrified of interactions with other people, but, goddammit, this is MY life, and I'm in control, not this monkey on my back. I remembered a class I took as an undergrad psych major called Positive Psychology. My instructor was certified in William Glasser's Choice Theory/Reality Therapy, and she taught us a lot about it.

I did some more research myself, and I basically started to do CT/RT on myself. I reminded myself that the only person's behavior whom I could control was my OWN, and that I was CHOOSING to act anxious instead of faking confidence it until I made it, so to speak.

So that's what I did. I started faking it. I've been forcing myself out of the house almost every day. I'm working three jobs right now where I have to deal with people. (Yes, I realize it's just horny men on the phone, but I used to have such a phobia of even talking on the phone that this is a big fucking deal for me.)

I'm back in school and due to get my M.A. in December. I had a presentation to give this morning, where I had to stand up in front of a roomful of people and talk about Sarah Orne Jewett. At one time, that would've made me drop the class to keep from doing it. Today, I just wore my glasses down low on my nose, so I could see the paper when I looked down. When I looked up at the class, over the top of my glasses, everything was fuzzy (I'm horribly near-sighted), so I didn't have to see distinct facial expressions and worry "What are they thinking about me?" I made it through with only a bobble or two and none of the usual quavering of my voice or trembling of my hands. I had three people come up to me and tell me that they loved my presentation!

It was nerve-wracking, yes. The past six months have been the hardest thing I've ever done, but they've also been the most rewarding. I'm still digging myself out of the financial hole I got myself into because I was honestly too afraid to leave my house to work. And maybe I'm still copping out as far as work goes, but I'm making money, and I don't have to put myself in uncomfortable workplace situations. I can save social occasions for less anxiety-inducing events, thereby making myself more confident in the way I act, thereby slowly acclimating myself to all sorts of different surroundings.

I'm doing it. It's slow, and sometimes I want to crawl back in my hole, but I'm doing it. But I could only do it by choosing to no longer act in self-destructive ways anymore. Nobody could've changed me. I had to want to change. Again, the only person's behavior you can change is your own.

So my advice to you is to not be the one responsible for him and his fuck-ups. Sit him down and have a long talk with him. Tell him that you'll be supportive, but you won't be his crutch. If he wants to stop drinking and he wants to crawl out of the hole of depression and he wants to lose weight, he's gotta get off his ass and do it. Even if you are his slave, you're not responsible for his actions. In situations like these, I think it really does require a tough love approach sometimes. As long as you're willing to enable him, he's going to keep acting in such a manner. You may even have to step out of the role as slave for awhile, and I know that sucks, but there it is.

And if you're interested, I know I've posted these links before, but here you go. Choice Theory Reality Therapy Know I'm not suggesting you become his own personal counselor because that's just another way of enabling him. But if you use these basic precepts in dealing with him, it'll make your life easier, and hopefully his, too.

I'm really sorry about this novel I've written. *Big hugs for Velvet* Good luck to ya, girl. My PM box is open anytime.

 

[Recidiva]

I'm not saying that anyone has to be abandoned at the bottom.

But they do have to GET there, first. And the harder the bounce at the bottom, the more motivated they are to change and get out of the pit. Offering a helping hand once they are making the effort to get out is a good thing. Just make sure it is a _helping_, not a "doing it for them" hand, which simply enables them to go right back to the behaviors/addiction/mental illness that had them crashing in the first place.

janey has not abandoned me, though our paths no longer converge. She has remained my friend and housemate, we spend time together, she encourages me in my pursuit of wellness and finding happiness in my life. But she's no longer in service to me and we are no longer engaged. She refused to continue to give control to someone who wasn't IN control.

THAT was my bottom. I HAD to make changes and seek help. Now that I am doing so, things are better for me. But I do not think that our relationship will ever return to what we once had. I lost her trust and confidence and I do not think I will ever fully regain that. It is my loss as well as hers.

I believe in redemption. If you're not the one to give it, that's fine.

Someone should be there, though. Not just the folks waiting to drag you to hell and kick you to the curb you believe you deserve.

I'm not disagreeing with you. Sometimes being condemned kicks you in the ass hard enough to do something. But what you respond to as an addict doesn't necessarily equate with "healthy" or "reasonable."

I'm much more of the Bishop of Digne school. Try to steal from me and I'll attempt to show you the nature of generosity and why it's generally better than judgment.

I'm really not saying you shouldn't do what works for you and protects your interests to your best ability.

But I think helping someone is service.

I hate to see it demonized as nothing but harmful. It actually is a lot more of what some people need, and definitely what I needed sometimes when I was in big trouble and couldn't find my way out alone.

You might consider that the addiction recovery business is run by ex-addicts. They can and do become addicted to the program they choose. That is my opinion one of the reasons why it works and why it ultimately becomes detrimental. Picking a new black and white addiction is a replacement program, not a solution in itself.

It's still all or nothing.

I'm the sort of person who can do a little of something and then put it down. I don't need all or nothing. I can have a drink, not have a drink. Do some gambling, not do some gambling. Eat some food, not eat some food. I strive for balance and choices. Not absolutes.

I think it's much harder to accept, but once you get the hang of it, your mindset about the whole process changes and it becomes easier to have a different sort of insight than the insight of the addict. For someone who is asking permission to do the hard thing, I say do it if you can.

There is no fear of dragons beyond this edge unless you're addicted to dragons.

Trust is a choice and I believe that if you are willing, it can be mended. If not from others, than in yourself. I wish you well and thank you for sharing your path, it's an honorable one.

 

[Tyr51]

"Even if you are his slave, you're not responsible for his actions."

That's it most succinctly.

I'd even say "especially as his slave, you're not responsable for his actions."

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Wow, so many replies already, I shall go catch up...

 

[VelvetDarkness]

"Lead, follow or get out of the way.", I have neither the patience or the inclination to deal with drama.

Hi Sharon. I understand that you are older, wiser and a shitload more cynical than me but I find your tone quite combative. I appreciate that you're taking the trouble to post advice though.

And I never said walk away because one's partner is depressed...she specifically said "moodiness" aka swings. That's unstable, IMHO, and not the kind of drama I need or want in my life, certainly not from someone who takes it upon themselves to be "in charge".

He has not 'taken it upon himself' to be in charge, it was a mutually agreed decision and one that functions well in all other aspects of our union. Yes, he has mood swings but if I was in fear of my life I'd say so. Dominant does not equal violent or abusive. He has depression and it manifests itself in negative ways but if he's angry and upset with anyone, it's himself. It is not me and as far as possible he tries not to take what I am convinced is clinical depression and therefore a biochemical problem as well as an emotional one, out on me. He has taken the steps to seek help and because of the way the NHS works, he must wait to receive a therapy appointment through the post, hopefully within the next month. That sounds like a while but it has taken more than a month for Master to take it upon himself to ask for professional help. These things have to follow a process or they are never properly resolved.

If someone's mood is erratic then I have no confidence in their decision making abilities especially decision making under stress. Ditto someone with an active substance abuse problem, I wouldn't cede control by hopping in a cab with a drinking driver, let alone cede control over any other areas of my life.

His moods are erratic right now but I'm familiar with them. He is not an alcoholic. My father has been one all his life, his mother before him and I come from a long line of Irish alcoholics as my superhuman liver will testify. I know alcoholism when I see it. He is not physically dependent or even emotionally dependent on alcohol. He just likes a drink and he's greedy. Because he's appointed me to try and moderate his diet and alcohol intake, he has sneaked a few beers on occasion. He hasn't got paralytic and when finances don't allow for booze he simply doesn't buy it. I am well versed in the signs to watch for and I simply haven't seen them. He sees alcohol as a way to let off steam while murdering various things on his computer games or playing the guitar, he uses it recreationally, nothing more.

In effect, by hiding his drinking, he *is* refusing to grab for the buoy. Highschool kids and college freshmen hide their drinking so they don't get in trouble. When adults do it, that's a flashing neon sign.

In many cases I'd agree with you but not in L's, for the reasons stated above.

What I'm saying is if your mate won't seek treatment, your only option is to walk...otherwise you're just an enabler and things will get worse. Usually much worse, and you'll be drug down into the maelstrom alongside the substance abuser.

That is far from my only option and I am far from being an enabler. I appreciate your comments but I feel that you've jumped to a few too many conclusions here.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Our eating habits

As far as eating goes, I do most of the cooking and I'm vegan. Everything is made from scratch and it's all crap free, whole food. I make him a large dinner because of this, it's the sort of food he should be eating. I don't buy junk food because I can't eat any of it but there is a corner shop literally 4 houses up the street that peddles a wide variety of fat fixes and sugar highs. They also have a 'bake and bite' counter where you can get hot pasties and sausage rolls etc, which L has quite a weakness for. You can smell them baking in the morning just but sticking your head out of the front door.

L is not vegan or vegetarian but he eats what I cook and enjoys 90% of it. He likes knowing that it's good nutritious food. He needs to manage his portions better during the day because he will have a huge bowl of cereal in the morning and stick lashings of maple syrup on it (organic, pure syrup as I've weaned him off white sugar but very sugary nonetheless). I bake my own bread and he cuts his slices too thick and loads it will all kinds of stuff. L usually takes a sandwich to work and I've started making 'treats' that are good for him like ryeflour banana muffins - no gluten, dairy, sugar or anything like that.

L does a 20min walk to and from work but he sits at a desk all day. He works in a large, open plan office and there is always someone having a birthday, leaving, having a kid, whatever and they all bring cakes in to share. L finds that very difficult as he feels like he's not being sociable. I can't imagine that anybody would take offence if he said 'no thankyou.'

I have been called away from my laptop but will write more later.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

So Master L and I have talked about this and although he agrees that only he can make the necessary changes to his lifestyle, he stills wants to feel that he has my support. Of course, he knows that he does. He has said that he will no longer get tetchy when I point out to him things that he has specifically asked me to draw attention to. It's not quite the compromise I was looking for but I think that things will be better between us for a while.

We have discussed groups like weight watchers before and he flat refuses to go. It's really not his cup of tea and I am aware that he has to find his own path through this. I don't personally think that weight watchers would suit his personality. He knows that his biggest problems now that he works in an office all day are his sedentary lifestyle, tempting treats at work and portion sizes at home. He knows he doesn't need to do anything drastic or foolish and I wouldn't want him to. On the plus side, he has lost half a stone in the last month. Some has gone back on in the last few days but he was encouraged by the achievement.

Personally I'm in 2 minds about him weighing himself every day. He only finds it motivational if he's losing but when I have suggested laying off the scales and going on how tight his clothes are, he says it doesn't work for him. His OCD brain makes numbers more meaningful but I do wonder if he'll end up obsessed over the number on the scale and risk losing focus on his overall health.

So I guess I'm going to be a gentle pep-talker and he's going to try not to be a pain in the ass. He does know what he's like, he just doesn't always feel like caring. We're going to invest in a rowing machine as he hates any form of public exercise like jogging and we can't afford gym membership right now. Ebay have a few on offer so we won't have to spend a fortune.

I guess it's just hard to acknowledge that I really can't help him much with this. My gut reaction is to feel that I'm failing him somehow but I agree with other posters that L has to take charge of this himself. I have every faith that he will in time and I also hope that the therapy brings about positive change as well. I feel honoured that he confides in me but it has taken time for him to acknowledge that - with the best will in the world - I am not a therapist.

 

[Primalex]

As far as eating goes, I do most of the cooking and I'm vegan. Everything is made from scratch and it's all crap free, whole food. I make him a large dinner because of this, it's the sort of food he should be eating. I don't buy junk food because I can't eat any of it but there is a corner shop literally 4 houses up the street that peddles a wide variety of fat fixes and sugar highs. They also have a 'bake and bite' counter where you can get hot pasties and sausage rolls etc, which L has quite a weakness for. You can smell them baking in the morning just but sticking your head out of the front door.

L is not vegan or vegetarian but he eats what I cook and enjoys 90% of it. He likes knowing that it's good nutritious food. He needs to manage his portions better during the day because he will have a huge bowl of cereal in the morning and stick lashings of maple syrup on it (organic, pure syrup as I've weaned him off white sugar but very sugary nonetheless). I bake my own bread and he cuts his slices too thick and loads it will all kinds of stuff. L usually takes a sandwich to work and I've started making 'treats' that are good for him like ryeflour banana muffins - no gluten, dairy, sugar or anything like that.

Hmmm.. what I read there is:
Carbohydrates, more carbohydrates, more carbohydrates and sugar - but self-made. A ryeflour banana muffin is not at all good for someone who needs to reduce weight (the reason bananas taste so good is: sugar...). . Maybe it's great if you are allergic to gluten or dairy products, but that's it. And no, tofu and soya isn't either - it has more calories than a lean steak. And I know what I'm talking about, my girl is vegetarian, too - but I do the cooking here.

If you are in the mood, you can write down how your week looks like regarding meals and I will see if I can make any suggestions how to improve it.

 

[YourCaptor]

During serious depression victims often describe the feeling of a physical hole or void inside them. Something they try to fill whatever way they know how. Some eat, some use drugs, others even compulsively work out. Point is, he is unhealthy, not just his body but his mind too. He wont be able to perform like he wants, just as the body sometimes needs a crutch so does the mind.

I think a huge step back to over all health, mentally and physically, would be him joining a gym, doing a serious athletic work out regime. This should be taken serious, invest in it, spend money on it. It won’t only help with fat loss, but it will also decrease his hunger, get him strength, grow his confidence, and lesson the symptoms of his depression, shrinking that void.

A lot of work is required here, this is no rest and medication type of thing for this.

 

[Primalex]

We have discussed groups like weight watchers before and he flat refuses to go.

There is a WW Online program, too. No need to visit those meetings.

Personally I'm in 2 minds about him weighing himself every day.

Doesn't make sense. He gained the weight over years and decades. You will not lose weight every day. It's simple. It will go up and down. One day you sweat more because it's hot and you have a bit less, then the opposite way around. Weighting should determine the overall trend, not be used for daily number crunching.

 

[Primalex]

I think a huge step back to over all health, mentally and physically, would be him joining a gym, doing a serious athletic work out regime.

I doubt this will work or that he would do this.

 

[Recidiva]

There is a WW Online program, too. No need to visit those meetings.

Doesn't make sense. He gained the weight over years and decades. You will not lose weight every day. It's simple. It will go up and down. One day you sweat more because it's hot and you have a bit less, then the opposite way around. Weighting should determine the overall trend, not be used for daily number crunching.

Then there's no real harm in weighing every day. I weigh myself every day and it helps me be mindful.

It's just easier to do it every day as part of a routine than to pick a day out as a ritual. I can be mindless about it because I get up in the morning, I weigh myself, I take a bath.

It's just part of an easy to remember maintenance plan. Not good or bad or obsession, just knowing.

 

[Primalex]

Then there's no real harm in weighing every day. I weigh myself every day and it helps me be mindful.

It makes you question your efforts when you thought you didn't eat much and did work-out a lot and the next day the number is higher than the day before.

 

[Recidiva]

It makes you question your efforts when you thought you didn't eat much and did work-out a lot and the next day the number is higher than the day before.

That may be your reaction or someone else's reaction, but it's not the only reaction possible. For me it's just part of what I do. And it works. If I need to lose weight I decide to lose about a pound a month and then I tend to lose more and problem solved. But I set the goal, make it ridiculously easy to reach, and then I reach it.

Deciding it's indicative of a deeper illness and absolutely must lead to obsession is incorrect.

Which is my point I'm trying to make on this thread.

If even the aspects of healing or personal satisfaction all "mean" something absolute to one person, it does not mean that to another.

This starts to sound like arguments about how masturbation is evil and using your left or right hand mean something in particular. My basic concept is that putting so much pressure on the subject to begin with is part of the problem. Being overweight or out of sorts does not mean run like it's Armageddon.

It's health maintenance. Weighing yourself every day may be prone to obsession. It does not mean it is an obsession.

Everything can be done in a sane manner. Certain methods when done to the extreme are a problem, but the methods themselves in moderation are what need to be done.

Learning moderation is the goal.

And even moderation has to be taken in moderation.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Then there's no real harm in weighing every day. I weigh myself every day and it helps me be mindful.

It's just easier to do it every day as part of a routine than to pick a day out as a ritual. I can be mindless about it because I get up in the morning, I weigh myself, I take a bath.

It's just part of an easy to remember maintenance plan. Not good or bad or obsession, just knowing.

Having suffered from an eating disorder my whole life, I disagree. Weighing yourself daily is BAD under any circumstances. If you are working to lose weight, you shouldn't weigh yourself more than once a week. Weight fluctuates by the hour based on many things, and weighing yourself daily IS obsessive, especially if your daily weight causes you to alter eating and/or exercising habits on a daily basis. And losing 1-2 pounds per week on average is healthy.

After being treated for anorexia, I dumped my scale and haven't owned one in about 15 years. I learned over years and years of dealing with weight and body image issues that the best way to tell how you're doing is by how your clothes fit and your energy levels. I learned that I can eat anything I want in moderation - and if I have a little too much of a treat one day then the next I eat more healthily. I'm 5'2" and a size 6, so I'm comfortable where I am. But it has taken years to get me to the place where I can honestly say that.

------
As to the original question, I have to agree that this isn't service, and in fact, I can see where it would cause you to begin to lose respect for his position as Master. There is a difference between directing your actions and making you personally responsible for HIS actions. You've been given some good advice here, but truly, until he takes responsibility for this one and takes the steps in the right direction ON HIS OWN to begin working on it, you're in a really tough position, Velvet.

In my own experience with a D-type who behaved similarly, the biggest problem I see for you right now is how you feel about your submission to him. You are beginning to see him differently. Your submission is not as strong. You are slowly losing respect for him as Master. All of these things can work against the relationship right now. He needs to understand that his behavior is strongly affecting your relationship. Not in a hurtful way, but in a way that expresses both your love for him and your concern for the relationship if something doesn't change. He's got a few things working against him - his own depression and his own physical health - but he also may have something working in his favor - his need for you as his sub. Which will win out in the end? Only he can tell you that. Only he can decide which of the two is the more important. However, unless he knows how you feel, he may not be able to make that decision. Have you talked to him about your feelings? In a non-threatening way, of course. You can't approach him in a negative way. You have to make it about YOUR feelings and YOUR submission to him, not his problems. And the hope is that he will hear you and truly think about what he needs to do. {{{HUGS}}} to you, sweetie.

 

[Tyr51]

I'm in the group that weighs themselves daily. I do it because I have to; if I don't weight will creep up on me insidiously and suddenly I'm 10 lbs heavier (crappy crappy metabolism..... thanks Mom and Dad). But I don't look at each day as the be all and end all, but rather map it out in my head and look for trends. If I'm 3 lbs heavier one morning than another morning? That's an anomoly that can happen for many reasons, and I don't worry about it. If it doesn't go away, or if I see a trend of me steadily gaining a quarter lb every few days or so, then I know it's time to go right back to writing down everything that passes my lips or to change up my exercise program.

If I weigh once a week, I can't manage my weight. There just isn't enough data for me to recognize trends.

Just wanted to throw in an opinion there from someone who does not suffer an eating disorder, does weigh daily, and has good come of it. ;-)




Primealex wrote:
"Hmmm.. what I read there is:
Carbohydrates, more carbohydrates, more carbohydrates and sugar - but self-made. A ryeflour banana muffin is not at all good for someone who needs to reduce weight (the reason bananas taste so good is: sugar...). . Maybe it's great if you are allergic to gluten or dairy products, but that's it. And no, tofu and soya isn't either - it has more calories than a lean steak. And I know what I'm talking about, my girl is vegetarian, too - but I do the cooking here."

Agreed.
Unless he's gained weight because he has a gluten alergy, gluten free doesn't mean there are less calories, or even the right kind.

Breakfast cereal with maple syrup would personally set myself up for a massive blood sugar crash later on in the day. That's a lot of simple carbohydrates.

 

[cati]

VelvetDarkness Wrote...

Personally I'm in 2 minds about him weighing himself every day. He only finds it motivational if he's losing but when I have suggested laying off the scales and going on how tight his clothes are, he says it doesn't work for him. His OCD brain makes numbers more meaningful but I do wonder if he'll end up obsessed over the number on the scale and risk losing focus on his overall health.


Once upon a time, when I didn't know I had a touch of OCD and was on some weight loss program or other, I weighed myself every day and sometimes several times a day. It's about trying to relieve anxiety. I know it isn't good to weigh oneself everyday day because a person just isn't going to lose every day, for all the reasons stated above. Since I've been on meds I no longer have the urge or need to use the scale no matter what my weight might be. I also haven't had a scale in years and am much happier without one.

Velvet, my suggestion, which may seem silly, is for you guys to leave off the Master/slave thing for a while, if that's at all possible and just be a couple of regular 'nilla people. Then maybe some of the pressure will be taken off you two to be "en mode"

 

[BeachGurl2]

Velvet, my suggestion, which may seem silly, is for you guys to leave off the Master/slave thing for a while, if that's at all possible and just be a couple of regular 'nilla people. Then maybe some of the pressure will be taken off you two to be "en mode"

I would have to second that suggestion.

 

[Netzach]

If you're kinda OCD calorie counting is a great outlet, actually.

 

[Netzach]

I would have to second that suggestion.

I'm not sure - I think that problems can often be solved from inside the dynamic - but that seems like it's what you are already doing ie: "please nag me"

I have some "please nag me" orders, about things, but the communication about how I then respond to the stimulus I myself asked for is in order - I think with enough communication and flexibility, an M/s dynamic can be OK and can stay a touchstone through some problems.