Is this service?

[kinkyknickers]

Thankyou, that's very kind.

Breakfast
Shredded wheat or porridge oats with skimmed milk and a little organic maple syrup.
or 2 slices of wholemeal toast with marmite
or a banana

Lunch
Wholewheat tuna pasta
or a wholewheat tuna sandwich with salad and extra light mayo
or a salad with nuts, olives, humous (always home made) and balsamic vinegar
or a can of low fat soup

Typical Dinners
wheat free spaghetti bolognase with vegan soya mince & light sauce
vegetable curry with brown rice
vegan chilli con carne with soy mince and brown rice
baked potato with tuna & sweetcorn (no mayo) or baked beans
roasted balsamic veg with sweet potato
millet with mixed veg & coriander
salad with olives, pine nuts, humous, rye pitta bread and balsamic vinegar
ratatouille with a baked potato
vegan cottage pie
home made bean burger with mixed boiled veg and low fat oven chips

Snacky things
banana, apple, orange, fruit smoothie, handful nut/seed/dry fruit mix (unsalted), humous & crudités, home made sorbet, banana rye muffin, oat cookies (made with apple & cinamon, no added sugar, dairy free), chocolate oat milk.

Like I said before, he does deviate from this a little, especially if there are cakes around at work, he has lunch out with colleagues or whatever. Also, the corner shop is a lure.

Velvet, I'm going to have to agree with Primalax on this one.

I'm a Chef at an International resort hotel and am trained in specific dietary requirements, including coeliac, sports fitness, low cholesterol, wieght loss and general allergies and intolerances.

The menu you presented, would be ideal for a training mid level sports person, but is not appropriate for a mostly sedentary overweight or obese male.

Things like pastas and bread and sugar based substances such as maple syrup are pure energy foods, with only minimal amounts of fibre and protein, which will be converted into fat unless they are used up by the body straight away, he doesn't need extra energy. There is no way he could use all those carbs in a day because he doesn't excersize enough.

You need to remember that a diet that may be healthy for one, may not be healthy for another.

If he is snacking heavily between meals, I can see why. Carbs don't give a lasting feeling of fullness to the body. Protein is what will do it.

He should be eating a portion of high protein, no carb food (best found in meat and eggs) with every meal and serve it with vegetables or salad. Skip the bread and the pasta and the potatoes. There will be a small amount of carbs in the vegies which is more than enough to control blood sugar.

I realise that you are a vegan/vegetarian but maybe you could cook him some meat to go with his meals. The satisfaction of lasting fullness will most likely leave him less tempted to take a walk down to the shop.

Good luck whatever road you take. He's lucky to have a subbie so dedicated to his well being that sticks by him in the good and the bad.

KK

 

[Netzach]

She asked for my thoughts, I gave them. If you find them funny....
<shrug>



If that's so, then were I unattached and looking for a partner it would apparently be a bad idea all around for me to look in that direction.

It would automatically assign me to the position of greater strength. In effect, I'd end up the parent to their child. It would make me unhappy and them unhappi-ER.
But to each his/her own.

As a Dominant Top with remittant to moderate Crohn's disease, I really hope whoever you do end up with never gets a physical illness of significant duration or severity, if your needs are such that they put you in a position where the other person's strength and control MUST surpass yours at all times and in all things.

And I prefer emotional adults who recognize that service to me isn't contingent on my being some fantasy of theirs incarnate. IE: that which I'm not. Or who feel the need to put a pathological label on every cookie I eat or cocktail I de-stress with.

 

[Primalex]

Velvet, I'm going to have to agree with Primalax on this one.

You know you like me.

I'm a Chef at an International resort hotel and am trained in specific dietary requirements, including coeliac, sports fitness, low cholesterol, wieght loss and general allergies and intolerances.

Damned, now I have a hard-on.

 

[Sharon_]

As a Dominant Top with remittant to moderate Crohn's disease, I really hope whoever you do end up with never gets a physical illness of significant duration or severity, if your needs are such that they put you in a position where the other person's strength and control MUST surpass yours at all times and in all things.

And I prefer emotional adults who recognize that service to me isn't contingent on my being some fantasy of theirs incarnate. IE: that which I'm not. Or who feel the need to put a pathological label on every cookie I eat or cocktail I de-stress with.

Sniping, as you've done from your first f/up to my response to VD. I refuse to engage, you continue.
<shrug>

Via exagerration, you're conferring on me things I never said, and beliefs I don't hold.

 

[Netzach]

I would *NEVER* allow someone so demonstrably not in control of their own self to be in control of *me*, and I'm not talking about the food....I'm referring to the unstable moodiness and drinking. If someone wants to be in charge, they have to be level and balanced first and foremost; if they can't operate in that frame during normal events they certainly can't be trusted when things run slightly askew of normal let alone in a crisis.

I would *NEVER* (again) allow someone with a demonstrable substance abuse issue to be my mate.

If he's binge drinking and even worse, hiding his drinking, then he has an alcohol problem. Active alcoholics are unstable and will never care about you more than their booze; that way lies madness and often violence.

Dude.

You made a DIAGNOSIS of someone you've never spoken to in your life.

Yeah, that raises my dander some.

AND it's got to be just as amusing as any "conferring of behavior" I'm doing.

 

[Homburg]

She asked for my thoughts, I gave them. If you find them funny....
<shrug>

She asked for your thoughts? Mighty egotistical considering the initial post asked everyone for their thoughts and did not mention anyone specifically. This is the sort of verbage used by people to defend comments that they know were less than useful.

If that's so, then were I unattached and looking for a partner it would apparently be a bad idea all around for me to look in that direction.

It would automatically assign me to the position of greater strength. In effect, I'd end up the parent to their child. It would make me unhappy and them unhappi-ER.

But to each his/her own.

Why, pray tell, are you posting on this topic? You appear to have an imperfect understanding of the relationship dynamic, and that is me being incredibly kind with my own verbage.

She asked for everyone's thoughts - those are mine - I wasn't bashing or denigrating anyone. I lack the patience, will and desire to cater to someone's moods on a day to day basis, it's too emotionally draining...I will not put myself in a position of being responsible for someone else's "mood", and think it's a bad idea for anyone to.

I cannot depend on someone whose moods are erratic. Since I hold reliance and trust as a cornerstone of any good, balanced relationship, well....

Good for you. You gave her advice that was applicable to you. That's ever so handy.

Call me crazy, but I try to tailor advice to the person asking, and do silly things like take their preferences and needs into account. She wasn't asking what you would tell yourself to do. She was asking if other people considered this service or not.

And for the record, since some are defining "mood swings" quite differently than what I was taught, from Wikipedia (usually a crap reference source, but it has a good working definition of how I'm defining moodiness):
"A mood swing is an extreme or rapid change in mood. They are commonly associated with mood disorders, of which the classic example is bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) "
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mood_swing

And? Mood swings are also associated with cyclorythmia, PMS, menopause, low T-syndrome, malnutrition, sub dump, injury, illness, and all sorts of other things.

Absolutes are seldom correct. There is no such thing as perfection, nor did I mention "perfect", that is your introduction. I said stable, and many, many folks *do* run on an even keel.

Not in this room, at least not by definition of the median. Are you sure that you are on the right boards?

...and I'm happy for you. Really. A full dance card is unimportant to me; dancing with a partner who isn't going to cripple me by continually trodding on my feet, is.

Okay, again, you give advice that is applicable to you. This is worthwhile why? The fun part is that I'm INTJ too, and your advice is fuck-all wrong for me. I'm in a relationship with one woman that is prone to depression and another that is a diagnosed bipolar, and I'm perfectly happy.

You may lack the emotional fortitude and werewithal to deal with imperfect partners. Not everyone is that lacking.

Personally, VelvetDarkness is laudable. She recognises the faults that lie within her Master realistically, and still recognises that he makes her happy. She accepts those faults at face value and works around them, and is trying here to figure out how to deal with faults that are causing internal conflicts within this man that makes her happy and satisfies her. And your advice is essentially to tell him to fuck off because you could not deal with someone like him.

 

[Primalex]

Kids, if you don't cool down, I will have to join the topic.

 

[Sharon_]

She asked for your thoughts? Mighty egotistical

Not really. Last I looked, I was part of "everyone", but apparently you disagree.

Why, pray tell, are you posting on this topic?

I owe you no explanation for when, how or why I post. If you thought otherwise, you were mistaken.

If you'll read carefully, you'll observe I am not in any way posting on "this topic". You saw fit to proffer the observation that every dom you know is what I would consider unstable, I commented on your observation.

You appear to have an imperfect understanding of the relationship dynamic, and that is me being incredibly kind with my own verbage.

I bet you reached that conclusion from my preface in the first post..."I am not a sub (or a Dom, for that matter).

Being upfront like that always gives me away.

And? Mood swings are also associated with cyclorythmia, PMS, menopause, low T-syndrome, malnutrition, sub dump, injury, illness, and all sorts of other things.

You appear to have lost the plot in your ...um...eagerness...to blast me. What mood swings are associated with was extraneous data, the subject was the definition of mood swing, so your "and" is not applicable.

Absolutes are seldom correct. There is no such thing as perfection, nor did I mention "perfect", that is your introduction. I said stable, and many, many folks *do* run on an even keel.

Not in this room, at least not by definition of the median. Are you sure that you are on the right boards?

Perhaps not, if it's as you claim - that no one here runs on an even keel.
Or perhaps you're mistaken.

Okay, again, you give advice that is applicable to you.

Um. That wasn't advice. For some unknown reason you decided it was important for me to know your dance card is full, and I replied to that comment.

This is worthwhile why?

I have absolutely no idea why you thought it was worthwhile to tell me about your full dance card.

The fun part is that I'm INTJ too, and your advice is fuck-all wrong for me.

~What~ advice? It's a remote possibility that you asked for advice, I gave it and subsequently forgot, but I highly doubt it. It seems more likely you're just on a rant because I had the temerity to disagree with your critique.

I'm in a relationship with one woman that is prone to depression and another that is a diagnosed bipolar, and I'm perfectly happy.

That's very nice for you, I'm sure....and you're telling me about this why?

You may lack the emotional fortitude and werewithal to deal with imperfect partners. Not everyone is that lacking.

That might cut me to the quick if it was based on something I actually said.

But probably not.

<snip of stuff I don't disagree with or choose to comment on>

And your advice is essentially to tell him to fuck off because you could not deal with someone like him.

Hmmm....don't get involved with substance abusers or remain with those who refuse to get treatment. Still sounds like good solid advice to me. Standard, even.

 

[Sharon_]

Dude.

*snurf*
2 points.

You made a DIAGNOSIS of someone you've never spoken to in your life.

"binge boozing" and hiding it.

Pretty classic symptoms. But heh, don't take my word for it.

Yeah, that raises my dander some.

It shouldn't.

AND it's got to be just as amusing as any "conferring of behavior" I'm doing.

Frankly, I find it more amusing to watch you chasing after my posts in this thread trying to get me to engage over something that had SFA to do with you and making sniping comments embedded in other posts to the thread.

But we're done now.

 

[cati]

I do admire Sharon for holding her own in this discussion. She has a right to voice her opinion and to uphold that opinion.

 

[Homburg]

Not really. Last I looked, I was part of "everyone", but apparently you disagree.

Not at all. The semantic load of your statement implied that you were specifically asked for advice, thus the comment that it was egotistical.

Perhaps not, if it's as you claim - that no one here runs on an even keel.
Or perhaps you're mistaken.

That was, in essence, my claim. By default, this board is centered around an alternate sexuality that is considered, by and large, as deviant. By extension, people that are involved in said lifetsyle are likewise deviant per the median definition. In short, we're all off-kilter by virtue of participation.

On top of that baseline deviance, there's the typical load of emotional instabilities, ego, god complexes, depression, narcisscism, bi-polar, control issues, etc. Be careful lest it rubs off on you. That stuff is sticky...

*snip other useless drek*

 

[Netzach]

*snurf*
2 points.



"binge boozing" and hiding it.

Pretty classic symptoms. But heh, don't take my word for it.


It shouldn't.


Frankly, I find it more amusing to watch you chasing after my posts in this thread trying to get me to engage over something that had SFA to do with you and making sniping comments embedded in other posts to the thread.

But we're done now.

Oh dear God, promises promises.

Consider what hitting your loved ones and doing as you're told in a relationship are "classic symptoms" of and see how much use anyone here has for pop psych based on one detail with no context.


You could be right, the man COULD be a raging alcoholic. However the fact that you seem to allow for NO other possibility rather limits any discussion of anything.

Since H can disagree with you and it's all fine and since I have a pussy it's "sniping" maybe he'll explain it to you in a way you'll be more willing to listen to.

 

[Homburg]

Since H can disagree with you and it's all fine and since I have a pussy it's "sniping" maybe he'll explain it to you in a way you'll be more willing to listen to.

Nah, not interested. I had a much longer post initially, but, to be frank, I saw that sniping comment and decided it wasn't worth it.

 

[honoria]

I'm a newbie on the board but I have dealt with addiction and depression within my family. Respectfully, it's not leaving time...yet. But neither can you "fix", "nag" or worry his problems to solution. Your post sounds as though he has been under the care of a doctor and should ultimately recover. Now you are dealing with the "fallout" of the physical problems. My solutions for what they are worth:

1) Have his/your doctor refer you to a nutritionist that can address his specific problems and dietary needs. Then you aren't the "food police".
2) Begin therapy both couple and individual. Neither of you are in a position (emotionally) to provide support to the other. Both of you need another outlet for the anger/fear/frustration that his medical problems have placed on the relationship. This is normal! For both of you!

I believe you will find that the therapist will require him to take responsibility for his own behavior. This does not mean that you don't encourage and support him but the ultimate responsibility is his not yours.

Prayers for you and yours.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Velvet, I'm going to have to agree with Primalax on this one.

I know. I've had my own slice of vegan humble pie to eat. In this case however, I'm more than happy to have been proven a little judgemental in the past.

The menu you presented, would be ideal for a training mid level sports person, but is not appropriate for a mostly sedentary overweight or obese male.

Yes, I can see this now. I had thought that complex carbs would be more filling and less fattening than feeding him steak but it seems I was completely mistaken. I also didn't realise quite how calorific soya products are. Master doesn't like the pulses and sprouted beans I generally get my protein from. I don't like handing raw meat and so have been trying to avoid cooking it but I guess I'm just going to have to deal.

Things like pastas and bread and sugar based substances such as maple syrup are pure energy foods, with only minimal amounts of fibre and protein, which will be converted into fat unless they are used up by the body straight away, he doesn't need extra energy. There is no way he could use all those carbs in a day because he doesn't excersize enough.

I didn't realise until starting this thread just how more generally active I am than Master. I'm out and about a lot during the day, I don't have a car so I cycle moderate distances if the weather's ok. I'm more active around the house because the bulk of the housewifing falls to me. He doesn't need all those calories and we'll have to address that.

Good luck whatever road you take. He's lucky to have a subbie so dedicated to his well being that sticks by him in the good and the bad.

KK

Thanks hon

 

[VelvetDarkness]

As a Dominant Top with remittant to moderate Crohn's disease, I really hope whoever you do end up with never gets a physical illness of significant duration or severity, if your needs are such that they put you in a position where the other person's strength and control MUST surpass yours at all times and in all things.

I think this is a good point. Nobody can enter into a relationship based on power exchange and expect the dynamic not to fluctuate according to people's needs and physical/emotional wellbeing.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Personally, VelvetDarkness is laudable. She recognises the faults that lie within her Master realistically, and still recognises that he makes her happy. She accepts those faults at face value and works around them, and is trying here to figure out how to deal with faults that are causing internal conflicts within this man that makes her happy and satisfies her.

Thankyou. I was very touched by this.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hmmm....don't get involved with substance abusers or remain with those who refuse to get treatment. Still sounds like good solid advice to me. Standard, even.

I agree that substance abusers and those who don't seek treatment do not often make partners in tenable relationships.

OTOH, L has admitted he needs some psychiatric support and has gone to his GP and sought it. This will cover his diet and his drinking at some point because I know they are issues that hinder his weightloss and therefore impact on his general wellbeing.

He is not an alcoholic and I'm not some deluded enabler. I don't know how else to say it and whether you simply take my word for it or not is entirely up to you. He enjoys a drink and is prone to over-indulging quite a bit. On the occasions when he has deliberately failed to mention his drinking to me, it's more because he knows how many calories there are in a bottle of red wine than because he's alcohol dependent. I agree with your comment that it's unwise to assume that knowing one alcoholic well qualifies you to spot another but I am not exaggerating when I say that I have a whole family of 'em and their problems and dependencies manifest themselves in very different ways.

He is not particularly happy or stable right now but that doesn't mean he is not my Master and owner and it doesn't make my position as slave a nominal one. I do mother him in some ways but he has an equal duty of care and responsibility to me in return. I have my own problems as well. I am chronically allergic to everything (wheat/dairy/pet fur/dust/smoke/pollen+more) and have a long standing battle with asthma, eczema and urticaria that is ongoing. I have epilepsy complicated by intra-cranial hypertension and am awaiting corrective neurosurgery. The medication I have to take at the moment is slowly shredding my kidneys. When it comes to illness, he has some credit owing from caring for me for the last two years. He deals with my health issues and I will deal with his.

 

[cati]

I just wanted to say that I for one have learned alot by following this thread. It amazes me how knowledgeable people here are about nutrition and diets, emotional health and how willing folks are to share their experiences honestly, whether they be good or bad.
I for one could not leave my partner because one or the other of us had developed some sort of "health issue" during the span of our relationship. That isn't what love is ....it isn't proud nor is it selfish. It may sound hokey to some, but when the going gets rough, I am reminded by my wedding vows.... "for richer or for poorer ...in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live". As it is "we" have run the gamut of the above situations.
Have I ever felt like running away...you bet, has "he" ever thought of leaving me...a couple of times. It's been nearly ten years and we're still together...inspite of ourselves.

Like them for who they are but love them for who they aren't.

[ There I go preaching again. ]

 

[Recidiva]

I just wanted to say that I for one have learned alot by following this thread. It amazes me how knowledgeable people here are about nutrition and diets, emotional health and how willing folks are to share their experiences honestly, whether they be good or bad.
I for one could not leave my partner because one or the other of us had developed some sort of "health issue" during the span of our relationship. That isn't what love is ....it isn't proud nor is it selfish. It may sound hokey to some, but when the going gets rough, I am reminded by my wedding vows.... "for richer or for poorer ...in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live". As it is "we" have run the gamut of the above situations.
Have I ever felt like running away...you bet, has "he" ever thought of leaving me...a couple of times. It's been nearly ten years and we're still together...inspite of ourselves.

Like them for who they are but love them for who they aren't.

[ There I go preaching again. ]

Thank you Cati.

It was good for me to read this thread as well.

I was recently reading a book called "Being Good" by a Buddhist author, Master Hsing Yun.

His expansion of the Fo Suo Pei Sutra:

"There are four kinds of friends, this you must know.
One is like a flower, another like a scale.
One is like a mountain and one like the earth."

"Friends who treat us as if we were flowers"

"In good times they place us on their heads.
If we wither, they throw us away.
If we are doing well, they treat us well.
If we become poor, they abandon us."

"Friends who are like weighing scales"

"When we are heavy, they tip their heads.
When we are light, they raise their heads.
When we have possessions, they respect us.
When we have nothing, they become haughty and proud."

"Friends who are like mountains"

"Birds and beasts flock there
As if to a golden mountain.
Their fur and feathers reflect its light.
Greatness gives greatness to others
And shares their joys and blessings."

"Friends who are like the earth"

"Great good fortune and great wealth
Cause all to offer their respects.
If the wealthy one is generous and helpful,
They all will be grateful as well."

I know which sort of friend I want to be, it just takes a bit of work to get there. It's nice to have a goal.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

1) Have his/your doctor refer you to a nutritionist that can address his specific problems and dietary needs. Then you aren't the "food police".

Hello Honoria, welcome to Lit.

Our GP is not about to refer him to a nutritionist because if he sent every overweight patient to one there would be nobody to treat those with nutritional issues that have more complex pathology than eating too much and doing too little. We don't have the cash to see one privately either. Personally, I think we can handle this with tweaking his diet a bit more.

2) Begin therapy both couple and individual. Neither of you are in a position (emotionally) to provide support to the other. Both of you need another outlet for the anger/fear/frustration that his medical problems have placed on the relationship. This is normal! For both of you!

It has taken months for L to decide that he wants, needs and is ready for therapy. If I tried to sign him up with couples therapy too he'd probably chain me in the cellar for a week as punishment. I don't think our relationship is seriously suffering and the odds of being handed a kink friendly NHS therapist are negligible, which makes working on our dynamic this way rather complicated. I'd rather let him go and do his thing with personal therapy first and see if that works before I try persuading him to sign up for anything else.

I believe you will find that the therapist will require him to take responsibility for his own behavior. This does not mean that you don't encourage and support him but the ultimate responsibility is his not yours.

Prayers for you and yours.

Thanks. We both know that it's ultimately his responsibility. I don't feel I'm doing anything a nilla SO wouldn't do in the same circumstances, the only difference is that he has specifically asked me to support him through certain tasks. If he goes a week without losing a few pounds, he doesn't pin me to the nearest surface and flog me for failing him, he knows that it's his responsibility. I'd go so far as to say the fact that he's my Master makes him even more aware of this.

 

[Rosie_Riveter]

Velvet,

I'm prone to depression (and I'm a sober alcoholic) so I've had to learn a lot about nutrition--especially how to eat carbohydrates and sugars in moderation.

The meals you outlined are fabulous--but not so much for your guy. He does need more protein and possibly more of the good kind of fat (olive oil, canola oil, walnuts, almonds, avocados).

Apart from pure sugars and refined carbs, we don't usually eat things alone. A banana is fine if you eat a couple of walnuts with it (quantity is crucial here but it's hard to eat too many unsalted walnuts). The fat and protein in the nut slow down the body's digestion of the sugars in the banana and this will make him feel full longer. Using some olive oil to saute fresh veggies will make them more appealing and more filling.

Basically, he needs to eat some protein and/or a little fat when he eats carbs.

Since you don't like to handle meat (I don't either)--soft tofu whips up nicely in a fruit smoothie, as does yogurt. I also use protein powders (soy or whey) in fruit smoothies and veggie smoothies.

Veggie smoothies are actually a good way to get a non-veggie eater to eat veggies. I cook up a big batch of vegetables (mostly red/orange or mostly green) with some olive and flax oil and then blend the whole mess in the blender. Pour in big pitcher, and use for soup or (with added water and protein powder) smooties.

Flax oil and/or seeds and fish oil (capsules or oily fish like salmon) are good for depression (and overall health).

With oil--just be careful not to soak everyting in it, even if it's the good kind. But a little olive oil, or avocado in a sandwich, really helps with needing to eat less overall and feeling fuller.

Good luck.

 

[Kathykitten]

.

First of: *Hugs* What a hard situation to be in.

Your master needs to accept councelling. It is very unhealthy when either part use their partner to reaffirm themselves. Even in a TPE relationship. It basically comes down to your own selfassurance and selfworth.

It is terribly destructive if he starts using you as a support pillar in this sort of area, you need to give him a very clear line. Tell him that the only area you struggle with is his emotions, and that he needs to get help for those outside your home.

I honestly advice that you get space until it is sorted, so that you do not ruin both of you in the process of turning thigns around. Too often people want to support eachother so much that it ends up changing the very foundations of their relationship, and ruins any possibility of continuance, even though you love eachother.

 

[Homburg]

Thankyou. I was very touched by this.

*hugs*

He's a lucky guy, darlin.

----

Flax oil and/or seeds and fish oil (capsules or oily fish like salmon) are good for depression (and overall health).

I read an article on flax recently that said that most people over 35 or so no longer have the enzyme necessary to properly process flax products. I was rather shocked by this, but I realised that it might explain why I find flax so nasty recently, when I did not have a problem with a couple of years ago. It's really annoying, as flax is good stuff.

And I cannot say enough good things about fish oil. I take 6g of fish oil every day, and it is the best nutritional choice I've made.

 

[Recidiva]

He's a lucky guy, darlin.

And I cannot say enough good things about fish oil. I take 6g of fish oil every day, and it is the best nutritional choice I've made.

This almost qualifies as a double post.

Homburg wrote what I wanted to say.