Judo's Gunfight Thread - Part 3

[BooMerengue]

I'm finished Lauren. I'm too shaky to play w/ it...


*walking back over to my seat in the shade... pickin up my bottle of Ol' RotGut- taking a huge swig... puttin my boots back up on the railing... thinkin... Thats one tough ornery Sherriff!!!

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Hope you had fun. Took you less time to complete it than it did for me to properly formulate the challenge. LOL

 

[GoddessOfSouls]

I'm finished Lauren. I'm too shaky to play w/ it...


*walking back over to my seat in the shade... pickin up my bottle of Ol' RotGut- taking a huge swig... puttin my boots back up on the railing... thinkin... Thats one tough ornery Sherriff!!!

Following Boo! Hey Girlie want some popcorn? Ta go with this *hug*? {{{Boo}}}

 

[BooMerengue]

I did have fun... I found myself grinning about half way thru... I need a smoke now!!

We have to wait 24 hrs to see how we did?? Keerist!! That'll be harder than the actual shootout...

 

[BooMerengue]

Hiya GoS!! Glad you came... popcorn sounds great, but nicotine is what I need right now... hold the comments- it's my ONLY vice! LOL... be right back...

 

[Lauren Hynde]

I did have fun... I found myself grinning about half way thru... I need a smoke now!!

We have to wait 24 hrs to see how we did?? Keerist!! That'll be harder than the actual shootout...

Yes. The judges should PM me their deliberation within 24 hours.

 

[Angeline]

Well hi there. I'm back with my first Glosa ever you bitch

Ah, fill the cup: -- what boots it to repeat
How time is slipping underneath our feet:
Unborn tomorrow, and dead yesterday,
Why fret about them if today be sweet!
~ Rubaï #39, Omar Khayyam


The tides of youth have washed off from the shore.
Like butterflies we flare. Retreat more. More.
Ah, fill the cup: -- what boots it to repeat
what’s out of reach, whatever its allure?

The world stretches too far beyond our ken
of wild roses, lavender till then--
How time is slipping underneath our feet:
beating sparrow winged questions: How? When?

For like Narcissus, anyone can fall
into the deeps of self in woe this small:
Unborn tomorrow, and dead yesterday,
drowning in somewhere, lost in not at all.

Seeing the face of love is knowing God
Peonies and the tree line, paths we trod
Why fret about them if today be sweet?
Kiss time in moments, disdain your facade.

 

[BooMerengue]

Ohhh Ange!! You rock!! It was my first, too... Good luck, girlfriend!

 

[Angeline]

Ohhh Ange!! You rock!! It was my first, too... Good luck, girlfriend!

We both won baby--we did it! Good luck, love.

 

[BooMerengue]

it was fun, huh?? who is that in that av?? a sweet 16 JoisyGull????

 

[Lauren Hynde]

OK! Now we wait for the judges' decision.

thenry, champagne1982 and *Catbabe*, PM me as soon as you can with your deliberations. If you have the time for the long version, like last time, that would be perfect-

Thanks, everyone. Great job!

 

[BooMerengue]

Thanks, Lauren. It was a good challenge.

goin to bed now... otherwise I'll bite all my nails off...

 

[Angeline]

it was fun, huh?? who is that in that av?? a sweet 16 JoisyGull????

Nah that's the late great Laura Nyro whom I idolize.

night ms boo

 

[BooMerengue]

ohhhh

I was a Melanie fan in those days... but I did really like Laura...

You two don't look a whole lot different...

Did you know Janis Ian lives here in Nashville?

 

[Angeline]

ohhhh

I was a Melanie fan in those days... but I did really like Laura...

You two don't look a whole lot different...

Did you know Janis Ian lives here in Nashville?

No! She's an NYC girl originally, you know (of course you know lol). The high school boys called me Laura Nyro hehe, but I'm like old Laura now.

 

[tungtied2u]

Judo Kudos!

Amazing work ladies!
And under the gun too.
Next time we're in the saloon, the whiskey's on
me.

Meanwhile I'll just kneel at your feet in supplication and admiration.

es and es for you both.

 

[Angeline]

Re: Judo Kudos!

Amazing work ladies!
And under the gun too.
Next time we're in the saloon, the whiskey's on
me.

Meanwhile I'll just kneel at your feet in supplication and admiration.

es and es for you both.

Merci.

 

[BooMerengue]

TY tungtied...

 

[Lauren Hynde]

The Judges Speaketh:



thenry:

Thoughts

Not many as I'm afraid my weekend has been overcome by the unexpected baby-sitting of an Argentinean toddler. Fortunately, my rudimentary Spanish is at a two-year-old's level.

Both poems met form and were actually poems. I am very impressed. It's amazing the difference an extra hour allows. Response to challenge I feel was equal by both participants, especially in carrying the meaning of the original.

In general, I am reminded of visiting a cameo factory in Italy and viewing a series demonstrating the progress of one artisan over forty years. Each cameo was the same portrait, but over time the skill increased until there were no edges to the carving but a single smooth and translucent surface. Both poems are good but my choice is based upon the refinement of one over the other. My winner is Angeline by a measure of superb refinement.

Details

So, instead of discussing poems by poet, I'll discuss the features that caught my eye.

Theme

Boo chose to begin with a literal expansion of the opening line, actual red liqueur (wine?) and continued similarly with the second though her expansions get more metaphorical. I like the inclusion of someone to talk to as it takes away the rhetorical nature of the questioning. Angeline, on the other hand, started with an expansion of the understood meaning and her metaphors extended to all of the sections, shores and worlds and even a classical allusion (which mixed interestingly with the mention of God). Ange's maintenance of the rhetorical questions also worked very well in my opinion.

Language

Angeline here I think more clearly maintained the language and tone of the original. Not that I want to think there is anything wrong with modern language in this form, but it makes the inserted lines more jarring to me, the insertion much more obvious.

Rhyme

This is perhaps the only area where I might fault Boo. Rhyme scheme was successfully met, but with "easy" rhymes and a little twisted syntax ("it matters not the thing we call pride"). They also seem slightly out of place as if meter wasn't at all considered.

Ange's on the other hand felt more natural and unforced, even if only through the method of a more consistent iambic pentameter than Boo. I suspect a recent poetry challenge for attuning the contestants.


Winner: Angeline, large margin of refinement


* * *


Champagne1982:

My thoughts on Angeline and Boo's glossa (glossi or glosses?) follow:
Although Angeline's rhyme scheme is fudged a little, see the first and last stanzas, I find that she used that bit of license to make more sophisticated word choices than if she'd stayed rigidly glued to the requirements of the form.

Boo's love/hate affair with rhyme and form is apparent in her poem. Although she is rhyming solidly, I find she slips into the passive voice, and slightly out of meter a time or two to make it all work for her.

I have to rule for Angeline in the rhyme and meter criteria, but only marginally.

-------------------------------------------------

Both poets chose the passing of time and youth as a theme. I, personally would have liked to have seen a little play on words with the feet, boots and moving on metaphor, but that's what I saw in the verse of the rubiyat and by no means would I expect everyone to see things the same as I do. (Pretty boring world if yas did!)I feel the warm sunset in Boo's poem and I can smell the crushed lavender in Angeline's.

The development of theme and atmosphere points, wind up even and I call this a draw.

-------------------------------------------------

As to over all impression:

Boo treats us to her earthy, matter-of-fact frankness that makes her poetry striking and yes, I think anyway, sensual. I enjoyed the conversation she's having with her lover in this poem and I understand the wisdom of her lesson. Thank you Boo. You created a meaningful glossa in a very short time. I wish that you had given yourself permission to step outside of the strict rhyme scheme, however, and allowed some sophistication to colour your word choices. You were a very brave punfighter to take on Dead Eye Ange.

Yes, indeed, I rule for Angeline's poem. Her beautiful verse is liquid and bursting with imagery. Thank you for taking us on this walk along the beach and through the garden, Angeline. You make me want to feel your lips on my cheek as you kiss time's seconds goodbye.

-------------------------------------------------

You were both very brave and I appreciate your skills in poetry even more, now that I have had a chance to see you go head to head. Congratulations ladies!


Winner: Angeline


* * *


*Catbabe*:

Thoughts

Both poets did an impressive job to produce poems within the constraints of time and form. At times, I think both poems suffered a little from the rhyming and syllabic constraints of the form.

Response to the challenge

Boo

Boo appears to have chosen to illustrate the mote by using a relationship which has not gone smoothly in the past. She does a good job at taking the reader through the stages of thought introduced in the mote. We definitely get the sense of a lover mourning the losses of yesterday, wondering about tomorrow, but finally just living for the moment.

Angeline

Angeline also accurately illustrated the mote throughout her poem, but she chose to reveal the message through the use of imagery.

Details

Boo

The very first line didn’t quite work for me, because my ear found the use of “liqueur red” awkward. It looked like an attempt to end on an easily rhymed word, instead of a really strong opening line with great purpose.

In the second line, “spills over to the bed”, has extra unnecessary words in it which serve no purpose beyond fulfilling the syllabic requirements of the form. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but it does take away from the overall impact on the reader. It has a diluting effect.

In the next line, the sun “sinking in the sky” is cliché and therefore, also dilutes the strength of the poem. “I see without a care but wonder why” seems to be contradictory to me. If she/he doesn’t care then why would they wonder why? And why would they be chilled and holding back tears?

I think 99% of the time; lines should speak for themselves and not rely on the punctuation to inform the reader of the intended force behind them. Okay, that was a long way of saying that as a reader, I don’t like the use of exclamation marks either in prose or poetry. I did notice that the mote contained one too, so that’s obviously just my own personal preference.

“I wait, and it's as if you are not there,” seems like a bit of a throw away line that does little to add to the meaning of the poem or to further the story.

The repetition of the word tomorrow didn’t add dramatic force to the message of the final line for me.

Angeline

I thought Angeline did a good job of using imagery to illustrate her meaning. Tides and butterflies spreading their wings are not exactly new images, but they fit well here.

I didn’t like the repetition of more, in the second line, but maybe repeating words just make me cranky and suspicious that they are being used to meet rhyme and meter requirements.

My ear totally stopped on “allure” and refused to accept it as a rhyme for shore and more.

“…of wild roses, lavender till then--…” didn’t meet the ten syllable requirements nor did the final line in this strophe. I read this entire strophe several times and I think I know what you meant, but it seemed like the placement of several small words made your meaning less clear. I am unsure of the meaning and purpose of “till then” and a comma after “far” would have helped me read this section more smoothly. I love the image of “beating sparrow winged questions” but it seemed like a bit of a tongue twister and pulled me out of the poem as a whole, to focus on just that line. I still can’t make up my mind about it.

In the next line, “drowning” is a common and maybe, overused image used to illustrate confusion or a sense of being lost.

My final nitpick would be the “…Peonies and the tree line …” part of the final strophe. It doesn’t add much to the poem and also, made me stop and go back trying to figure out exactly what you were trying to say. In the final two strophes, of the poem, I was totally unaware of the form any longer, and just savoured her words.

In particular, I loved, the smoothness of, “For like Narcissus, anyone can fall
into the deeps of self in woe this small:” and the simple truth and beauty in, ““Kiss time in moments, disdain your facade.”

I liked too, that Angeline followed the form and fully illustrated the mote, but also added her own thoughts with the final words, “disdain your façade.”

Overview

I think the strength of Boo’s poem was its clarity in illustrating the mote. She also, did a very good job of producing a poem that followed the form in this challenge. However, the main weakness of this poem resulted from its struggle to marry the requirements with interesting and poetic language. In this case, the form stood in the way of what could have been a better poem, if Boo had been free to write without constraint.

Angeline’s poem had some faults as well, but overall it was just a slightly more complex and richer poem, which worked well, for the most part, under the constraints of the form.


Winner: Angeline


* * *


So, by a 3 to 0 ruling, the victory tonight goes to Angeline.

Congratulations to both of you for a great fight. I hope you all had as much fun as I did.

 

[Angeline]

Thanks for the opportunity to do this, Lauren. Boo, you are a darling and my friend and went for it when I bugged you to participate. You wrote an excellent glosa and I think you see that whoever judges voted for, they were great at pointing out the strengths and weaknesses of each poem.

And most of all thank you judges. The detailed, careful critiques you offered is--as you know because you are all poets--what we want most of all. I know Lauren gave us quite a challenge in that glosa--I may even have had a bit of an edge coming in because I have been writing form poems almost exclusively for about a week. But! As I said to Boo last night--to do this challenge and produce poetry (and both poems are very good, if I do say so ) is what winning is really about here. Thanks all for letting us both write our poem and thus both win.

Lauren, I believe little feet will patter in my part of the world next weekend, but if there's no immediate time constraint I'll be a judge for the next challenge (or whenever if not next week). Threnry, Chanpers, and Cat have made me see the value of judging this.

Thanks again, all.


Ange

 

[BooMerengue]

Thank you, Lauren and you, too Judges!

I had a lot of fun doing this. I knew Ange would win, and thats fine w/ me. How silly it would have looked had she not.

But what a great exercise it was for me. I learned a new form (I'm working on another like this already) and I got to play in the major leagues for a moment. That was pure gold for me.

So again I say Thank You to all who were involved in this. When's the next one?

(speaking of which... Perks? Here's my leather glove, honey. Go ahead- I dare ya!)

 

[perks]

Thank you, Lauren and you, too Judges!

I had a lot of fun doing this. I knew Ange would win, and thats fine w/ me. How silly it would have looked had she not.

But what a great exercise it was for me. I learned a new form (I'm working on another like this already) and I got to play in the major leagues for a moment. That was pure gold for me.

So again I say Thank You to all who were involved in this. When's the next one?

(speaking of which... Perks? Here's my leather glove, honey. Go ahead- I dare ya!)

as long as it's not July 16th, I'm in... and the only request that I have is that I get to duel with someone my own size. Or do I have to issue the challenge myself?

 

[Liar]

as long as it's not July 16th, I'm in... and the only request that I have is that I get to duel with someone my own size. Or do I have to issue the challenge myself?

I don't know if I even reach to your poetical knees, but I'd sure enjoy showing up to get my ass kicked properly.

#L

 

[perks]

I don't know if I even reach to your poetical knees, but I'd sure enjoy showing up to get my ass kicked properly.

#L

*snork* but of course you do.

I'd be honored, L.

 

[Liar]

*snork* but of course you do.

I'd be honored, L.

Splendid. If the master of ceremoinies approve, I'd say we have us a date....duel, I mean.

#L