Love Sonnets!

[JUDO]

Re: Testosterone break

JUDO, I realize you're a lesbian, and you'd rather do women than men, but really! I posted my poem first, but you critiqued all these gals' poems first. My feelings are hurt.

Darling RW, I'm gettin' to you. I just have to work up to it.

Didn't you read my profile? Ever watch baseball? Then you know what a 'switch hitter' is, right?

By the way, chicks don't get priveledges with me, unless they earn it. And I know you can hold out for a while. You ain't a newbie after all.


- Judo

 

[REDWAVE]

Bibabe

Yes, I had checked your profile, J, but it's been a while, so your comment sent me scrambling back to it. I see you put yourself as bi, although I take it from your work with a strong preference for women? If you've read much of my stuff at all, especially the stories, you'll probably guess I have a strong preference for men.

Anyway, any reactions, commentary, suggestions for improvement on my sonnet are welcome (hint, hint).

 

[stargirl32]

ok i tried writing about love and stuff and it turned in to this,,,, what does that say about me i wonder,,, and i still cant get the damn thing straight... so *placing a bin for judo to put the worst bits in* iam ready for some construtive critiqing


A room ful of men

My choices? Well I'll debate
Which one do I choose?
I'll make them all wait.
Till its plain which I'll refuse.

In some capacity I'll measure.
The ones to bring the best.
The greatest amount of pleasure.
Then I'll disregard the rest.

the choice is down to two.
In looks , both as good as the other.
Its so hard deciding what to do.
Which one to take as my lover.

decision made. A solution easy to find .
one at each end . dont think they'll mind.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Re: Testosterone break

Hi. RW!

Good Petrarchian sonnet, Lauren. A quick technical note: the rhyme scheme for the Petrarchian sonnet is abba abba cde cde. Contrast that with the rhyme scheme for the Shakepearean sonnet, which is abab cdcd efef gg. The Petrarchian sonnet is actually a tighter and more difficult form, having only five rhyme sounds instead of seven.

Tell me about it! I spent almost two hours looking for the right rhyming words! Don't ever try to do this with a language you don't know from birth... phew!!!

Does "fusillade of popping kernel drops" mean what I think it means?

No, it doesn't... I'll explain the image later, if you want to... but that wasn't it... hehehehe

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Re: Testosterone break

Well, hopefully I can get away with injecting a bit of testosterone into this sea of estrogen...

...I posted my poem first, but you critiqued all these gals' poems first. My feelings are hurt.

Uh, oh. I'm in a sea of estrogen? I'm an honorary woman, now? I only took the name "Star At Sunrise" because "HardCock4U" was already taken.

No offense taken though. Men are silly bastards, and if I can pass as a woman, then that's my good fortune. I get mistaken in real life too because of my long hair. I just wish they wouldn't call me "ma'am" when I'm wearing a goatee!!!

(Works on "Beer Sonnet" and "Ode To A Monster Truck" for future macho poetry only thread)

 

[JUDO]

Re: Under A Fusillade Of Popping Kernel Drops

And remember, Judo, that when counting the syllables on a poem, you should count the metric syllables, not the grammatical! (that's the way I learned in school, at least, hope I can get away with that...)

Well, since you decided not to rule follow, you'll have to explain your school lesson to me.

 

[JUDO]

CRIT: Love's Demise

RW -

Here you go. Good effort. A few lines read awkwardly and I've suggested corrections below.
Accents emboldened and awkward accented lines in red.


LOVE'S DEMISE

Since you have lost all interest in me - fine
The world tastes flat and stale, and I run dry, - fine
Clutching.at all the wreckage of our debris - 11 syllables, not iambic
I stare out my window, and wonder why - 10 syllables, not iambic

You say you love me still, with ice-cold hands - fine
Where shortly before there raged a wild fire - 10 syllables, but a little awkward for iambic
For now be careful where you place your brands - fine
Lest you become entangled in the mire - fine

It was you who started this, not I - 9 syllables, awkward
And now it seems that you are ending it - fine
You jerked my heart-strings out before my eyes - fine
And then you tried to make me bite the bit - fine

Still I'm thankful for those multi-colored days - 11 syllables, awkward
Even though my world has since gone back to grey - 11 syllables, awkward

-------------------------------------------------

lines 3 & 4 - 1st Quatrain

Clutching.at all the wreckage of our debris

When you start a line of iambic, the first syllable of the word must not be accented. So, I don't see how it's possible to start with the word "clutching." Let's move it.

I stare out my window, and wonder why.

Because you have used the gerund at the beginning of an introductory clause and continued the thought in the next line, I'll have to alter the sentence structure (because a gerund cannot start at the beginning of an iambic line). I couldn't get "wreckage of our debris" to work. In particular I didn't like "of" being accented. I liked "I wonder why," but the phrase "out my window", I couldn't get to work with it, so I changed to another fitting image.

I clutch at all our wreckage - our debris -
While thinking in the dark, I wonder why.
-----------------------------------------------
2nd line - 2nd Quatrain

Where shortly before there raged a wild fire

Shortly is accented on short, but before is always accented on fore and to be iambic cannot follow an -ly adverb. This is continuing the thought of the line before and striking a comparison between fire and ice.

But Time's forgot - those fingers burned with fire.

-----------------------------------------------
1st line - 3rd Quatrain

It was you who started this, not I

Nine syllables, needs ten. Wants an accusatory line.

Yet you began this spark of love, not I

-----------------------------------------------
The couplet

Still I'm thankful for those multi-colored days
Even though my world has since gone back to grey

Each line has eleven syllables and accents non-iambically. Can we lost a word somewhere and fix it? And multicolored is not hyphenated.

I'm thankful for those multicolored days,
Although my world has since gone back to gray.

-----------------------------------------------

With all those, your sonnet looks like this:

Love's Demise

Since you have lost all interest in me,
The world tastes flat and stale, and I run dry,
I clutch at all our wreckage - our debris -
While thinking in the dark, I wonder why.

You say you love me still, with ice-cold hands
But Time's forgot - those fingers burned with fire.
For now be careful where you place your brands,
Lest you become entangled in the mire.

Yet you began this spark of love, not I
And now it seems that you are ending it.
You jerked my heartstrings out before my eyes
And then you tried to make me bite the bit.

I'm thankful for those multicolored days,
Although my world has since gone back to gray.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Back to School, Back to School, gimme Back to School, Baby - Yeah!!!

Hi ya'll

This is going to be a long one.

PART 1

Originally posted by REDWAVE
Does "fusillade of popping kernel drops" mean what I think it means?

I already said no, but I believe some more in depth explanation is in order…

I scream out your name, all my doubts dispersed,
As if I was, my lover, quenching my thirst
Under fusillades of popping kernel drops.

You really should get your mind out of the gutter, RW... This final tercet is as sex free as they come. By kernels, I really do mean the edible part inside the outer shell of a nut.

Try to picture this scenario:
You are lost in the desert. It's hotter than hell. You could boil eggs on the sand, were they not already boiled solid inside their own shells. You roam this desert for hours, days, weeks. Just as you were about to die of dehydration you came across with most luxuriant oasis you could possible imagine. Lakes of pure fresh water, soft cool breeze coming from God knows where, a moist rug of thick grass caressing your tired feet, huge trees with millions of leaves giving you the most soothing shade imaginable and carrying fruit so ripe and juicy they explode, covering you in a sweet rain of bliss... You're saved! (It may sound farfetched, but that's the picture I had in mind)


PART 2

Originally posted by REDWAVE
... the rhyme scheme for the Petrarchian sonnet is abba abba cde cde. Contrast that with the rhyme scheme for the Shakespearean sonnet, which is abab cdcd efef gg. The Petrarchian sonnet is actually a tighter and more difficult form, having only five rhyme sounds instead of seven.

School time! Oh goody, I better go sharpen my nr. 2 pencil and get my old notebooks out... (Please note that this is what we learn in all Romanic countries, so it may not all apply to English)

OK, here goes nothing:

I saw in the Poetry Bootcamp thread someone saying that the Petrarchian (or Italian, or Classic) sonnet consist of an octave, or 8-line stanza, followed by a sestet, or 6-line stanza. This isn't correct. Even if sometimes it is presented that way, the truth is it's ALWAYS formed by two quatrains and two tercets, and most times using the same layout I did mine (all four stanzas separated). This means that the sentences can never carry from the 4th to the 5th verses, 8th to 9th, and 11th to 12th. Just like I can't say that the English Sonnet consists of a 14-line stanza, even if that is its correct layout...

The rhyme structure of the Petrachian sonnet has a certain degree of flexibility. The quatrains will almost every time obey to the abba abba scheme, but abab abab can also be used. Notice that there are always only two rhyming sounds.

As for the tercets you can find a combination of two ( cdc dcd ), but mostly three rhyming sounds: ccd eed, cdc ede or, like RW said, cde cde. This means that the Petrarchian sonnet will have four or five rhyme sounds, in contrast with the Spenserian sonnet (always five: abab bcbc cdcd ee) and the more common Shakespearian sonnet (seven: abab cdcd efef gg)

Originally posted by JUDO
Well, since you decided not to rule follow, you'll have to explain your school lesson to me.

And now the juicy stuff, JUDO

Measuring the words (again, I remind you, this is Romanic languages standard, not all of it is applicable to English, but seeing I'm presenting the Italian sonnet...)

I'm not going to teach you how to count the syllables in a word. You all know that, and if you don't, any good dictionary will help you with that. There are a set of grammatical rules that determine without a doubt the syllabic dividing of any word, that include diphthong analysis and consecutive vowels in hiatus. There is a difference, however, between the grammatical measurement of words, and the metric measurement of words.

The latter can only be done in the context of a verse, for it refers to the syllables as they are perceived by the listener, i.e. subject to various types of contractions and distensions, expressed graphically (they're, don't) OR NOT.

The most important devices that can be used in order to attain metric regularity are:

Synaeresis: (from Latin synaeresis, Greek sunaíresis, a taking together) The collapsing of two syllables into one: in verse, thou see-est becoming thou seest (pronounced like 'thou ceased') and The Almighty becoming Th'Almighty. This occurs when the first syllable ends and the second begins with a vowel. It is common in everyday usage, as when the last syllables of familiar ('fa-mí-li-ar') are merged in 'famílyer'. In some words, the merger becomes fixed: for example, although in the past righteous had three syllables ('ry-te-ous'), there can now only be two ('ry-chous'). In some kinds of English, a stressed diphthong merges with a following schwa: for example, in varieties of RP sometimes regarded as affected, where flower pot sounds like 'flah pot' and lawn-mower like 'lawn-myrrh'.

and

Diaeresis: (through Latin from Greek diaíresis, division]. Less common, it's the exact opposite of Synaeresis: The forced separation of two consecutive vowels that would otherwise form a diphthong or other type of breaking a determined syllable. For example, the use of the word righteous, intending it to be read as it was in the past, not with two syllables, but three ('ry-te-ous'). This device also comprehends the forcing of a vowel that might otherwise be silent to be sounded (as it naturally occurs in Brontë) or that the second vowel of a pair is to be sounded separately (as in naive).

There are other devices that can and often are used to artificially reduce or increase the number of metric syllables of a word, like Crasis (the combination of the vowels of two syllables, esp. at the end of one word and beginning of the next, into one long vowel or diphthong), Apheresis and Apocope, but there's no need to get into them, I think...

Additionally to these devices there is one absolutely fundamental rule in metric syllabic count, but seeing the flagrant disregard you are all having for it, I'll assume it doesn't apply to English: In any given verse, and for metric purposes only, you shouldn't ever consider any syllable after the last stressed syllable of the final word, i.e. if you have a 11-syllable verse ending with the word foundation, you drop tion from the count and it stands as a decasyllable...


I hope I haven't bored you too much, but JUDO asked...

PS: J-, you know I'm really looking forward for your dismembering of my sonnet too, don't you?

 

[WickedEve]

sigh...

I wanted to write a sonnet but now...

I'm going to crawl into a corner and write a one stanza couplet.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Oh, come on, Eve!!!

Everybody's playing along! This is actually kind of fun! Please write a sonnet, Eve! Pretty please? With sugar on top?

 

[karmadog]

Good Lord!

Lauren, this is from a woman writing in her second language!

I am shamed.

I still think Eve will come out with a sonnet. I might myself, but it will be several weeks before I can digest everything that Lauren gave us. I guess I'll just have to bump the thread when I actually write one.

 

[Angeline]

Ms. Hynde's Languages

Karma and Eve, the really scary news is that I believe English is acually Lauren's third or fourth languages.

 

[REDWAVE]

To J&L

But, Lauren-- I don't want to get my mind out of the gutter. I want to get it deeper in-- smithpeter is helping me with that.


Thanks for the critique, Judo. I like your changes-- does smooth out the roughness. (Of course, sometimes I'm deliberately rough.)

 

[JUDO]

Lauren = brainiac

 

[Lauren Hynde]

love 'ya too

 

[JUDO]

CRIT: Under A Fusillade of Popping Kernel Drops

Your sonnet:

Under A Fusillade of Popping Kernel Drops

Please tell me, lover, how much I mean to you,
Show me the shades of your delectable dream,
Please hold me tight, make my bliss supreme,
From gloom set me free, all my fears subdue.

Since ever embroiled in an existence askew,
To tell you my soul, burns as to blaspheme.
Show me the way to you; give me your gleam.
From grief release me, all my wrongs undo

In this deep black pool in which I immersed,
No chimera, no feeling, no warmth, I’m cursed,
The faithless despair of my heart as it stops.

I scream out your name, all my doubts dispersed,
As if I was, my lover, quenching my thirst
Under fusillades of popping kernel drops.

---------------------------------------------------

Okay, LH. I had to try and learn a little to fully grasp what you attempted, but I like learning.

Form: It seems you opted for an Italian Sonnet (in this case with two quatrains and two tercets, varying the Italian tercet rhyme scheme with a very acceptable ccd, rather than cde).

Content: A while back, I took the lesson of poet daughter when working on my content in poetry. I believe that it is a good rule (as much as we have rules when being creative) to follow. Basically, as in most good writing, she suggested that each of stanza and line progress the overall thought. Some of my early poetry dwells too long on the same idea, simply rephrasing the idea in a new way.

I noticed this same characteristic in your first two quatrains where the pleading of the author asks their lover to be given understanding and the author's feelings in regards to the request.

I suggest that it would have benefited the content of your poem to use the second quatrain to move the subject forward: perhaps to he lover's reason for refusal or the lover's coldness in response or the lover's positive response.

Meter:
The Italian or "classic" sonnet is supposed to be a "little song" and as such, did not necessarily have a metric scheme. Iambic pentameter was applied to the form by the English later on.

And you gave us all a fine lesson in syllabic counting; metric versus grammatic. As such, I looked for the synaeresis, the diaeresis, and the multiple syllabic final words in your poem and added them (if present) to the count appropriately. I didn't find any such occurrences here. Please let me know, if I missed something.

As such, it's difficult to justify analyzing the accents and stresses of your poem, LH, but I'll just offer what I feel might make it a little more flowing or rhythmic as I see it.
Okay?

Syllables:

1st line - 11
2nd line - 11
3rd line - 10
4th line - 10

5th line - 12
6th line - 10
7th line - 10
8th line - 10

9th line - 10
10th line - 11
11th line - 11

12th line - 10
13th line - 11
14th line - 11

1st Quatrain - 1st line

Please tell me, lover, how much I mean to you,

The pause for "lover" is there whether or not it is shortened to "love." This would be my only suggestion for this line and it's mild at best. I also thought that this was a complete sentence and as such, should have ended in period (.) rather than comma (,).

Please tell me, love, how much I mean to you,

1st Quatrain - 2nd line

Show me the shades of your delectable dream,

I like the alliterations and the flow of this line. If you wanted to shorten a syllable out of it, I would lose the "me" and because of this phrase now continuing your first line, then place a dash (–) at the end of the first line, rather than period(.). This may have been more your intent with the comma (,).

Show the shades of your delectable dream.

2nd Quatrain - 1st line (line 5)

Since ever embroiled in an existence askew,

I believe this line refers to information forthcoming, where the author has felt or seen a gap between themselves and their lover and their feelings towards about it. "Since" suggests a passage of time that the gap has persisted, but "ever" seems unnecessary. I realize that "since ever" may have some implication of which I am unaware, but I would lose "ever" from the line.

Since embroiled in an existence askew,

2nd Quatrain - 2nd line (line 6)

To tell you my soul, burns as to blaspheme.

By the period (.), a thought is supposed to end here, but I don't see it. I'm confused. Is the author now talking to their "soul" or telling their lover about their "soul?" I believe you intended the latter, but it's difficult because there is no predicate around. Perhaps "burns" was intended to be the action word of the though, but it is separated by a comma (,)from "soul" as though they are not to be associated. Yes, this is nitpicky, but I think appropriate given that this is the author's second language.

Perhaps this is what you intended:

I tell you my soul burns as to blaspheme.

The Tercets

Now, the meter of your tercets was unexpected. As you varied the rhyme to CCD CCD from the Italian CDE CDE, your syllables reflected that same change; measuring 10, 11,11 and 10,11,11. Was that intentionally created?

1st Tercet - 1st line (line 9)

In this deep black pool in which I immersed,

With a slight alteration to meaning, I would lose one of the "ins" in this phrase. The nearness of like words or phrases in poetry or prose is one of the most often overlooked mistakes I see when reviewing works.

This deep black pool in which I'm immersed,

1st Tercet - 2nd line (line 10)

I must admit, on first read, the word "chimera" leapt out at me. It's not something I hear used very often in any literature. I went to the dictionaries I have and looked up it's meaning to make certain I had a good working knowledge of what it meant before going back to re-read your poem again.

So, is it that in this "deep black pool" in which the author is immersed, there was expected a fire-breathing monster of some sort for assistance or perhaps a fantasy to save them? The descriptive words surrounding the pool - deep, black, no feeling, no warmth, cursed - it seems as if the author is painting a picture of despair. So, I'm not certain how the "chimera" fits. I don't think you meant "chiminea," did you?

I would substitute another word for "chimera." Perhaps drawing on the fact that depression (deep black pool) like water can drown the affected, smothering them.
Also, I believe this line completes a thought started with the previous and as such, should end in a period (.), not a comma(,).

No breathing, no feeling, no warmth, I'm cursed.

1st Tercet - 3rd line (line 11)

The faithless despair of my heart as it stops.

This phrase seem to refer to something else that occurs under the "deep black pool,"
But I can't see how it's connected syntactically to the previous lines. Perhaps it could be more complete and stand by itself. I think you intended to have it augment the sentence before it, but that sentence was incomplete, so it's difficult to tell.

A Quick Note: Certainly creative writing and poetry allow us to use phrases unlike they are intended in prose writing, but it random phrases do not seem connected to the thoughts around it and in addition, are not part of the style of the poet's art, then we use with care.

My faithless heart despairs until it stops.

2nd Tercet - 2nd line (line 13)

As if I was, my lover, quenching my thirst

I assume that somewhere between the two tercets, the author has received redemption from their lover and is now celebrating, since all of their "doubts" have been "dispersed: somehow.

Also, this final bit of information makes the author eat, quenching a thirst, when in the previous tercet, the author sinks into a black pool, immersed. Mixing a bit too much of metaphors, aren't we?

But the only change I would make to this line is minor (without a rewrite to help the metaphor).

As if I was, my love, quenching my thirst

2nd Tercet - 3rd line (line 14)

Under fusillades of popping kernel drops.

Now, if I recall, you created this title first – inspired by karmadog's "Freaking Good Titles" thread. No? I really like the image, almost one of celebration like fireworks.

'Neath fusillades of popping kernel drops.

If I were to rewrite this again, I would look for other solutions to ideas conveyed that would lose the word "me." It occurs a little too often for such a short span of poetry. Other than this, I've altered some of the punctuation as needed.


After all that, your sonnet looks like this:

Please tell me, love, how much I mean to you –
Show the shades of your delectable dream.
Please hold me tight, make my bliss supreme.
From gloom, set me free, all my fears subdue.

Since embroiled in an existence askew,
I tell you my soul burns as to blaspheme.
Show me the way to you, give me your gleam.
From grief release me, all my wrongs undo.

This deep black pool in which I'm immersed,
No breathing, no feeling, no warmth, I’m cursed.
My faithless heart despairs until it stops.

I scream out your name, all my doubts dispersed
As if I was, my love, quenching my thirst
'Neath fusillades of popping kernel drops.

 

[Guest]

Sonnet for Jamie

Second attempt. First time I seemed to start a new thread rather than contribute to this one. I'll delete the first attempt when I figure our how. You'll notice that I'm new around here....

This is a sonnet I wrote a while back, for Jamie. Hence the title....

Sonnet for Jamie

When winter comes, its caustic grip is keen;
its nights so darkly cold; so coldly stark.
And when you think the dawn will intervene,
the mournful mists descend to douse the spark.

And as I see you, calmly beautiful,
skirting round the edges of emotion,
my mind's eye casting, visions bountiful,
memories shimmer, tracing my devotion.
Those sober thoughts, those grey horizons hold
me planted low, my spirit gathered fast.
But comes the time for measures hard and bold;
so, fanning hope I stir myself to blast
this darkening cloud, its dolour to dispel.
And so I'll say goodnight, my love, farewell.


Harriet

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Popping Kernels, take 2

Hi, Judo!

Before anything else, let me thank you for your critique. I'm really glad I posted the sonnet, if for nothing else, at least for the pleasure of having a well grounded comment like yours. Thank you. The only thing I didn't like was that you kept calling me LH... Call me Lauren, or if your going to use initials I'd prefer if you just used L.

OK, let me try to explain what was on my mind whilst writing this.

Form: The variation of the rhyme scheme of the tercets from the more common cde cde to ccd ccd wasn't so much a deliberate attempt to innovate as it was a combination of accident and being a lazy ass. The truth is I started by obeying the cde cde scheme, but when editing it, the c and d sounds became more and more similar. That and the fact that by then all I wanted was to post the damned thing fast, made me stick with it, even if it didn't follow the classical sonnet's rules.

Meter: Again in this department my work is proof that rush is the enemy of perfection (Is there an expression for this in English?). I swear I tried to maintain rhythmic and metric regularity, I even did that Under fusillades of popping kernel thing you do, but despite my syllable counting lesson, I'm not very good at it, at least in English, and I screwed up a couple of times. And once or twice I did know I was doing it wrong, but trying to write a thing this complex in a foreign language is so exhausting that I just gave up.

Specifically about your suggestion for the final line ('Neath), can you believe that I had written 'nder instead of Under but at the last possible second I said "what the hell is that?" and just trusted it to be understood as a non-graphically expressed synaeresis? Didn't think anyone would buy it, but hey, why not give it a try, right?

Content: I really understand your critique about the "moving forward" rule. I was trying to do that, but sometimes, in poetry as in life, the words we know we should be saying just can't find their way past your mouth and just linger somewhere between your heart and that lump on your throat... And I let myself be distracted from the real message of my sonnet by its formal aspects.

The chimera issue: Honestly, I never imagined this word would cause this kind of dictionary run. You say that it's not something you hear used very often in any literature. Can you believe that when I wrote it, I immediately thought: "Hey, that's a word I never saw used in poetry a million times before". What a cliché! In Portuguese literature it's everywhere. I don't even think every Average Joe has heard of the mythological creature, but even if they don't use the word in everyday language, everyone knows its "unattainable dream" meaning. But I admit, if not for anything else, its sonority clashes with the rest of the words, at least in English... I must keep this in mind in the future.

And you're right about the mixed metaphors... All I can say in my defence is that I wrote the sonnet between 3.00 and 7.00 am during the week (school wasn't much fun the next day, I can tell you that!)

--------------

Anyway, I tried to learn my lesson, absorb all you said and rewrite the sonnet as it should have been. Some of your specific suggestions are there, others got lost, some sacrifices had to be made for the good of the whole. The rhyme scheme also changed to a more correct (even if not the most common) abba abba ccd eed.


BENEATH A FUSILLADE OF POPPING KERNEL: take 2 (actually 3 or 4, but who's counting?)

Please tell me, love, how much I mean to you -
That we're not wrong to have our fates collide.
Give me your heart, your body let me glide.
From gloom release me, all my fears subdue.

Embroiled in an existence so askew,
Reveal my soul? That would burn deep inside,
For then you'd know I'm both Jekyll and Hyde!
And how could you be sure our love is true?

Within this black pit, blind as death I lay,
Unfeeling, numb, my confidence astray...
Deny me not your love for time eternal!

By hearing your voice, all my doubts disperse.
It'll be, my love, as when I quench my thirst
Beneath a fusillade of popping kernel.

 

[JUDO]

Calling All Poets!

Hey, KillerMuffin, SmithPeter and WickedEve!

Where're those sonnets? Namin' names, prodding the poets before Springtime is history!


- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Judo, hun...

Remember there are two sonnets that didn't get any reviews yet: Stargirl's and Harriet's... I would do it, but I'd probably manage to screw it up somehow...

And I'm writing another one myself, but still not happy with it.

 

[JUDO]

Haven't forgotten. Been busy with a little thing called 'life' lately. I'll get to it. Please realize that the sonnet reviews take about 2 hours each. Also, with as little effort as one of the poets put into their sonnet, I was pretty sure that they were not looking for real criticism. They will likely not get it.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Insomnia

J--

Let me know what you think of this one: classic abba abba cdc dcd scheme, 12 syllable verses, non-iambic.



Insomnia

Almost a waning shape, nothing but tenuous light,
Nocturnal Diana dispenses her pale glow;
And as her route comes to end, the ocean below
Doubles her moonlit figure, tremulous in fright...

Subtle filtered murmurs hasten throughout the night,
The bawling frogs within the sleeping lake lay low,
Hooting owls upon men ominous fears bestow,
Between encroaching bushes kept from sight...

Lethargic vapour spread by Morpheus takes its toll,
As strange sweet despondency quickly claims its place
In the light hearts of those blessed with a loveless soul...

But (oh, gloomy me!) if I seek sleep's soothing embrace,
Love opens my eyes, in my whole self lust takes control
And sweetest Katherine through my thoughts gives me chase.

 

[JUDO]

Stargirl32, Harriet and Lauren -

Not to worry, I intend to critique your work for this thread. Been a little busy lately with a new story, a convention in town and two important meetings in the real world.

I will get to them. I promise. Thanks, everyone, for the great contributions.


- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Bump!


(There are still some days left before the end of Spring)

 

[JUDO]

Sorry, I have been getting a little behind (no, not the same as a little ass) in my thread work. I had an emergency over in the author thread today and it took up a little time. Plus that friggin' life thing...

Thanks for kickin' my butt every so often, Lauren.

- Judo