Love Sonnets!

[Lauren Hynde]

No problem, Judo.

I just don't like seeing good threads on page 2 (that's like Lit limbo, right? or am I the only one that never checks what's going on back there?)

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Ahhhhhh!!!! Only 3 days before summer and still no sign of WickedEve's, smithpeter's and Muffie's sonnets!!!!

Why, God, why???

 

[JUDO]

Yes, Spring has sprung and today is the Equinox and first day of Summer. Critiques of Sonnets are difficult to ascertain at best, but I still intend to to Lauren's and Harriet's for sure. Stargirl32, still holding your breath? (I hope not).

Summer, summer! My kingdom for a two-piece that fits!


- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Yes, Spring has sprung and today is the Equinox and first day of Summer. Critiques of Sonnets are difficult to ascertain at best, but I still intend to to Lauren's and Harriet's for sure. Stargirl32, still holding your breath? (I hope not).

Summer, summer! My kingdom for a two-piece that fits!


- Judo

Hmmm actually today is summer solstice...

Are you going to start that eulogy challenge now? I'm getting prepared for that...

 

[Rybka]

Point of Order

Judo wrote:

Yes, Spring has sprung and today is the Equinox and first day of Summer.

Hate to bring it up, but today was the summer solstice (9:34 EDT) not the vernal equinox.

See poem: The Equinox Experiment

Regards, Rybka

 

[JUDO]

My face is almost as red as my...nevermind. I always get that messed up! Jeez! (Summer solstice, summer solstice, summer solstice...)

Lauren, a euology might work, but it was an elegy challenge. You know, maybe as soon as I get the chain story chapter finished and the sonnets critiqued, I would post the elegy challenge.

But loading me up with one more thing right now would probably squish me. Augh!

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Don't worry, babe. I'm not trying to press you, just feeling like BUMPing a few threads that deserve to be on first page

 

[WickedEve]

I forgot the sonnet thread! I still haven't written one of the darn things!

 

[Lauren Hynde]

You're just beeing lazy. I'm sure you'll do a great one once you try it.

 

[WickedEve]

You're just beeing lazy. I'm sure you'll do a great one once you try it.

That's the same thing I said to my husband last night.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Teaser

 

[Lauren Hynde]

El bumpo!

 

[JUDO]

A room ful of men

My choices? Well I'll debate
Which one do I choose?
I'll make them all wait.
Till its plain which I'll refuse.

In some capacity I'll measure.
The ones to bring the best.
The greatest amount of pleasure.
Then I'll disregard the rest.

the choice is down to two.
In looks , both as good as the other.
Its so hard deciding what to do.
Which one to take as my lover.

decision made. A solution easy to find .
one at each end . dont think they'll mind.

Okay, Sherman - set the wayback machine. We're reviewing some stuff I should've gotten to in a...well, I should've gotten to it.

StarGirl32 - a one and a two -

Your poem is not a sonnet by meter (either classic or English). Each line of such a poem would be done in iambic pentameter (with any luck, you know this and I'm just reviewing here for everyone else).

Each line would have five (penta) feet (iam) in it.

So, as explained earlier in the thread, each line should have a meter with accents on every second half of each foot (or the even numbered syllables, which ever way is clearest to keep in mind), like this:

tuh-DAH tuh-DAH tuh-DAH tuh-DAH tuh-DAH

example:

Each LINE you WRITE conTAINS five FEET, of COURSE.

I like your subject matter, a little more in lust with a room full of men than love, but who's counting.

Your poem did, however, follow the rhyming scheme of a sonnet: ABAB CDCD EFEF GG

If you'd like help re-writing this into a Sonnet form, I'd be glad to assist.

Thanks for submitting -
Judo

 

[JUDO]

Re: Sonnet for Jamie

Sonnet for Jamie

When winter comes, its caustic grip is keen;
its nights so darkly cold; so coldly stark.
And when you think the dawn will intervene,
the mournful mists descend to douse the spark.

And as I see you, calmly beautiful,
skirting round the edges of emotion,
my mind's eye casting, visions bountiful,
memories shimmer, tracing my devotion.

Those sober thoughts, those grey horizons hold
me planted low, my spirit gathered fast.
But comes the time for measures hard and bold;
so, fanning hope I stir myself to blast

this darkening cloud, its dolour to dispel.
And so I'll say goodnight, my love, farewell.

Meter

The first quatrain is fine, but the second line of the second quatrain has an issue:

skirting round the edges of emotion

The 'normal' accents of these words fall in this manner:

skirting round the edges of emotion


So, while your line has 10 syllables, it doesn't follow the metric scheme of having the heavier accent on the second half of the iam.

You have some difficult words to use in the phrase. In particular, "edges of emotion" while being a wonderful collection of words, goes against the metric accent so strongly that I would have to suggest losing it for something else.

Plus, the word "emotion" does not end on a heavy accent. In the non-english, Italian sonnet, this would not matter, but the line would then need to have 11 or more syllables to work.

So, I'm trying to find a way of keeping your opening line of the second quatrain and change the second and likely the fourth as a result.

Hmmm... How about:

As I can see, so calmly beautiful,
You skate around the tender broken fray.
My mind's eye casting visions bountiful,
They shine to pledge their love as devoteé.

(Sorry, best I could do, trying to keep the images you had).

The 3rd quatrain seems fine, and I like your final couplet, but for one small thing.

You probably wanted the word "darkening" pronounced "dark'ning" to fit the meter, no?

Other Stuff

First two lines of your first quatrain: I'm not certain that you actually advance what you are trying to communicate by your second line. It seems to almost repeat the thought of the first line. And with nothing else getting repeated (as in the use of a motif), then perhaps you would want to change that second line to add to the work.

Just a sugg...

Also, be sure to watch your punctuation, and CAPITALS at the beginning of all lines.

So, with my mediocre changes, your sonnet looks like:

----------------------------------------------

Sonnet for Jamie

When winter comes, its caustic grip is keen;
Its nights so darkly cold; so coldly stark.
And when you think the dawn will intervene,
The mournful mists descend to douse the spark.

As I can see, so calmly beautiful,
You skate around the tender broken fray.
My mind's eye casting visions bountiful,
They shine to pledge their love as devoteé.

Those sober thoughts, those grey horizons hold
Me planted low, my spirit gathered fast.
But comes the time for measures hard and bold;
So, fanning hope I stir myself to blast

This darkening cloud, its colour to dispel.
And so I'll say goodnight, my love - farewell.

----------------------------------------------

Good work, Mistress Harriet, carry on, my girl!


- Judo

 

[JUDO]

Drat! Drat-drat-drat!

LH -

I was all the way through your first two quatrains and working on a translation for Morpheus when NETSCAPE crashed and I lost everything. DOUBLE DRAT!

Too devastated to start over just now, but I will do yours soon.

Two things: One - I really like your poem, but it has a lot of meter issues to match the iambic. Two - I couldn't find a reliable translation for the Italian of 'Morpheus.' Isn't it 'Morfé?'

Let me know.


- Judo

 

[_Land]

Judo

Drat! Drat-drat-drat!

LH -

I was all the way through your first two quatrains and working on a translation for Morpheus when NETSCAPE crashed and I lost everything. DOUBLE DRAT!

Too devastated to start over just now, but I will do yours soon.

Two things: One - I really like your poem, but it has a lot of meter issues to match the iambic. Two - I couldn't find a reliable translation for the Italian of 'Morpheus.' Isn't it 'Morfé?'

Let me know.


- Judo

I posted a sonnet titled a sonnet for beths virtue in another thread, I would be honored if you could give me some feed back. It is the first time i have written a sonnet. I know your time is limited, buteven a few minor suggestions or comment would be valued. Thanks Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Drat! Drat-drat-drat!

LH -

I was all the way through your first two quatrains and working on a translation for Morpheus when NETSCAPE crashed and I lost everything. DOUBLE DRAT!

Too devastated to start over just now, but I will do yours soon.

Two things: One - I really like your poem, but it has a lot of meter issues to match the iambic. Two - I couldn't find a reliable translation for the Italian of 'Morpheus.' Isn't it 'Morfé?'

Let me know.


- Judo

Thank you for doing these reviews, Judo

And don't worry about it, I can wait; I know you'll do mine when you can...

Your questions:

1. Yes, you're right -- I decided to go completely classical on this one (12 syllable non-iambic verses). I know it would be nice to get them in iambs, but I wasn't feeling capable of forcing it at the time. But tell me, do you think it would improve the poem if I did?

2. I'm not sure I understand your question about Morpheus. It refers to the Greek god of dreams (Morpheus). In Italian, his name would be Morfeo (Morfeu in Portuguese, don't ask me in Greek, but it wouldn't be too different either ).

 

[JUDO]

LH -

I was trying to get your sonnet in iambic meter, although the 'more than 5 feet' was okay.

I didn't necessarily think inserting iambic necessarily improved your poem. I liked a lot of it the way you've written it, but I thought it worth looking at in a different form.

As your sonnet is now, I believe it reads better than it sounds.

I will suggest words, phrases, etc. and then you could improve my word choices. I'll point out the whys and wherefors. Cool?

_Land -

Please repost "For Beth's Virtue" here, and I will do what I can.

TY.


- Judo

 

[JUDO]

Also, LH, with regards to the God of Dreams -
the Italian Mor-FE-o would be an easier version to apply in imabic than MOR-phe-us (which would be impossible unless used after the 5th iamb. N'est pas?

So, I will be suggesting Morfeo.


- Judo

 

[_Land]

Here ya go Judo, the whips are fine but wait

to pull the chains out till i write a second one


A sonnet for beths-virtue
by _Land ©
I am a proud defender of beths-virtue
I question not her chastity
her loves simple generosity
Beth's desired heart is tried and true


Knowing her for just five days time
Her open heart, Her soul reveal
The scars that love alone can heal
Removing walls of the pantomime


I a knight on lowely steed
Ride on to sweep her off her feet
I dont understand the word retreat
Willing to die to meet her need
I tried to keep love at a distance
Beths virtue shattered my weak resistance


_________________________________

Thanks for any help you might offer _Land

LH -


_Land -

Please repost "For Beth's Virtue" here, and I will do what I can.

TY.


- Judo

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Thank you so much, Judo.

I'll be looking forward to your suggestions, they're always a huge help. I think writing this sonnet was one of those moments I talk about in The Cage (II) -- I was so tired I convinced myself I was satisfied with it. mildly shameless plug

Again, there's no hurry. If you want to, do _Land's first

 

[_Land]

There is no hurry for mine either, although im sure it wont take long. You have been most patient Lauren, I almost forgot the Female species has that character trait.......LOL IM Just Kidding <DUCKS AND HIDES> _Land

 

[Hyndeline]

There is no hurry for mine either, although im sure it wont take long. You have been most patient Lauren, I almost forgot the Female species has that character trait.......LOL IM Just Kidding <DUCKS AND HIDES> _Land

The Lauren has been practising the much revered art of excruciatingly slow tongue tease tecnique. It has worked wonders in increasing her inate patience levels.

 

[_Land]

The Lauren has been practising the much revered art of excruciatingly slow tongue tease tecnique. It has worked wonders in increasing her inate patience levels.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

[Lauren Hynde]

bumping again