Married But Frustrated in West Michigan

[Guest]

maybe we can think of something fun to satisfy our needs

maybe we can think of something fun to satisfy our needs :

I too have had the same troubles , my wife does not believe there is any other position other than you guessed it, half her clothes off,not all the way, and of course missionary.
Barter barter barted, I am up to 6 times a year..woohoo


email rasamacas@hotmail.com

 

[n-erasmus]

Sadly so in Texas too

I sympathize with all of you, especially the men (being one). Too often we end up with a sexual mismatch that fits fine otherwise. The motion of my wife's shapely ass drives me wild but she just is not INTERESTED, and does not seem aware of the lust her body awakens in me. So I get kindly rejected -- REJECTED!! How you do that frequently and kindly is an art. One I know more about than I want to. And the way the world is, finding a woman in a parallel situation is dangerous and hard. Divorce is not what I want -- I want SEXUAL ECSTASY! Nice, fulfilling animal fucking. But it just is not going to happen, I fear. Hope you northerners have more luck than I have had here in dallas.

 

[pjwalsh]

 

[Mr_Eightball]

PJ.

Yeah, I hope counseling goes well too. Divorce is definitely not what I'm looking for. If it was, I guess I wouldn't bother with the counseling or writing these long winded posts. lol

I've been with my wife for 10 of my 31 years so I know where you are coming from.

I don't want to give advice because...well...I'm not qualified and can't solve my own problems. Also, I don't have any children. But I will say this as far as kids are concerned: Studies have been done about this and kids actually do better with separated parents than they do in a hostile environment. Of course, your situation may not be hostile at all. But if it is, you aren't doing the kids any favors by keeping it going. Many people stay married until the kids are out of the house and studies are showing that that isn't necessarily a good thing. If you are wondering, I would suggest that you talk to someone who is actually a qualified professional about that. And I honestly don't even know who that would be. Maybe start with a counselor and ask them who you should be talking to about it.

If there is still love in your marriage and it is a healthy environment, then yeah, I would like to think that I would keep it together for my kids and work on the parts that are lacking. But I can't really walk a mile in your shoes since I've never been in them.

Yeah, I know what you mean about the magic wand. I'm somewhat fortunate that I have no children (although I do want them). So I am just focusing on my wife and I. I am personally leaning towards staying in the marriage for the comfort, friendship and love that it offers. And yeah, that makes me co-dependant. There are definitely different schools of thought on this from one professional to another. Some say get out and move on. Some say stay and work at it. I'm going to have to play it by ear.

Best of luck to you and your family, whatever you decide to do.

"8"

 

[Backyard sweaty]

As I have said before.......

For me the D word is out of the question if at all possible. Not because of her feelings or mine, but rather, the kids. I came from a split home (I lost count it happened so often) and to my knowledge I remain as the only "normal" person to ever come from a divorced home. Of course I tend to believe I am the only "normal" person to survive the 40 days and 40 nights of rainfall too, (that would be a Noah's Ark reference my fellow heathens).

And PJ...you should only be scared if your alone and with us you are not. I'm pretty sure that I am not the only one here that would be more than happy to give you crappy advise.

 

[Mr_Eightball]

Re: maybe we can think of something fun to satisfy our needs

Deeter,

Welcome to the Sexually Disfunctional Society! You are member number 12,345,876.

Yep, you and I are in the same boat there. What kills me is how attractive I find my wife and how much affection I have for her. I get to sleep naked with her every night and yet it is lonely. Isn't that just a surreal feeling?

I've tried bartering, but found that it doesn't work for me. Not because she won't give in, but because she does. At that point, it isn't something mutual and great, it's "shut up" sex that is one small step above masturbation. She isn't invested in it and basically tolerates it until it's over. I just can't enjoy that because she isn't. The whole point for me is pleasing my partner - that's what I get out of the deal. I can get an orgasm all by myself. What I want/need is to give orgasms to her.

Am I just strange? Seems like that would be a good thing. But it just doesn't work that way anymore.

Anyway, yeah, climb aboard!

"8"

 

[Mr_Eightball]

Re: Sadly so in Texas too

n-erasmus,

You bring up another issue that I hadn't really thought about: Rejection.

I haven't really thought of rejection since my dating life. Rejection was getting dumped or turned down when you asked for a date. But in a marriage, rejection isn't something that you think of existing, but it does. It's just a bit more subtle.

There is a psychological toll over time when you feel rejected by your spouse, who is supposed to be the one person who has accepted you forever. When you are committed to one person and they reject you, it's not o.k for you to seek affection elsewhere. So you end up married, but feeling alone at times.

Your self-esteem suffers. Your confidence suffers. This, of course, is not your spouses intention. In fact, they probably don't even think about it or realize what it is doing to you. But it's very real and creates a lot of anxiety and depression (for me, anyway).

I know my wife well enough and we talk often enough that I know she isn't rejecting me, she is simply not driven. But knowing something is very different than feeling it. It still hurts to be turned away by your spouse. And I'm not talking about on a bad day or some other exception. I'm talking about when being turned away becomes the rule - the norm. That is when the toll begins. And that is where the seeds of resentment and all sorts of other ilk start to grow.

Again, I'm afraid I have no advice or solution. I'm in the same situation. The more posts I read and the more thought I put into my situation, the more I'm beginning to believe that this may be something that I can't solve - not by myself anyway. In life, you just don't get to control some things, especially other people.

If one of us does solve this, however, you'll be a billionaire!

"8"

 

[pjwalsh]

 

[mjp351]

I have been reading quite a bit of this thread and I am in the same boat too. We just had our 7th anniversary and my sex life with her started down hill from about 6 months after the marriage. I am lucky if I get it once a month and yet she talks about children. And yes we have done the counseling thing and two weeks later back to the same ol , same ol. I have come to the conclusion that we are not sexually matched and we are not intellectually matched either.

I would file for divorce but I am not financially able to just yet. I deal with it like the rest of the males wacking off etc.. The interesting thing is that she doesnt like oral sex and that really throws a wrench into things too. I will just bide my time till i can afford the divorce and move onward it may seem uncaring but you can only pretend so long. I need my sanity and my sexuality too. I hope all of you find what you are looking for and for a solution. I pray that you find peace after your decision is made and live happily in what ever your choice is. Peace all

 

[Mr_Eightball]

Re: NEVER ALONE

PJ,

You are right. We, the sexually frustrated, are the majority. There are more of us than those normal, well-adjusted folk. So yes, you will never be alone.

I have to agree that I have met some of the kindest people on here. I said it before - the people I've met here are actually nicer than most I meet in my day to day life.

I too feel fortunate for the new found acquaintances.

"8"

 

[Mr_Eightball]

mjp351,

Yep, welcome to the group.

Is anything about your marriage going well? In my situation, I still have a lot of positive things left but that doesn't sound like the case for you.

Isn't it ironic to be lacking a sex life and yet sex is required to create the children? I have a co-worker who's sex life also disappeared pretty much after the honeymoon. But now they are trying to have children. So they are having sex more than ever - and he hates it. It is mechanical, empty, repetitive sex. It is everything he didn't want when dating. That is why he married someone he loved. Poof! Gone.

How does this happen? Why the hell is it so common? Are we just not well informed when we marry? Should there be a training course or something? And it isn't just women or men, it is happening accross the board.

And the financial aspect is a whole other subject. Getting married is made so very easy. Of course, you can make it complex if you wish, but you can get married tonight at a cost of almost nothing. Want to get divorced later? Bend over everyone! Separating siamese twins is less painful. Again, who put this system in place? Who does it benefit? No one, I think.

Well, best of luck to you in however you proceed. There is no easy or simple solution. I hope all goes as well for you as it can. And thanks for sharing your story with us.

"8"

 

[pjwalsh]

hey there

8

 

[mjp351]

Thanks eightball

I will admit it startled me a bit when it startedl to happen and now its 7 yrs later and we still dont do it like when we were dating. It is strange and i noticed that its mostly on the mens side that this happens but i feel for both genders it makes the relationship very difficult to deal with when you dont feel loved or better yet wanted sexually. It creates animosity towards one another and that is not good either. I appreciate all of the stories and I wish that i could help. But how I do not know but we will survive and find happiness. I just hope its before i turn 40 i am 37 now. mjp 351

 

[Vulpesvulpes]

Here's my situation.

My wife still wants/expects the romance and physical intimacy we had while we were dating. The problem is that I am not physically attracted to her anymore.

She has gained 50 lbs. since we got married, and has developed many other habits that are really unattractive.
(eg. belching, farting, using the bathroom with the door open, etc.)

We used to engage in BDSM activities but, she has some body-image issues and does not want to play anymore.

All that aside, I love her very much. She is a wonderful person and we are such a good fit in so many other areas. She also will inherit a large estate and I have to admit that it is one of the reasons I am hanging around.

PS I know what a bastard I am so I don't need you to tell me. I probably won't read any more of this thread so if you want to condemn me for being such a prick, save your keystrokes.

 

[Mr_Eightball]

Vulpes,

Well, I'm in no position to judge, so I'll leave that be for now.

You have a couple of very different things going on here. If your wife has become overweight and developed unattractive habits, your best bet is to talk to her about that. Make it something positive. Maybe you go take kick boxing together or something. She may or may not be receptive to making the necessary changes to improve things, but I don't think asking her about the things that you've mentioned is unreasonable. And she is probably already aware of this if, like you say, she has body-image issues. Getting fit may improve those issues and get your sex life going again.

As for the money thing? I can't help you there. I don't think that marrying into money is a good or bad thing. It's just a personal choice. It is more of a rational decision than an emotional one. But it sounds like there is a lot more to the two of you than money. Focus on that and forget about the rest for a while. See what happens.

Yeah, I think a lot of people will read your post and think you are a bastard. But you are really just human and living within the rules of the game that was defined long before you came along. I don't think it is necessarily wrong to want things for yourself or even to go after them. It's when you start hurting people to get what you want that you'll really start to suck. And it doesn't sound like that is what you are doing.

Good luck!

"8"

 

[CatEyes]

Re: Stepping into enemy territory

Cat Eyes,

That was the hardest thing for me to do - sit down with her and say the hard things. And I was so terrified of how she would take it.

Until you talk to him, you won't know what the possibilities are. But after you've talked, you can't go back. Everything will be out on the table and you'll have to deal with it. And sorrow is the knowledge that brings no good to the wise.

-Mr_Eightball

That's what worrie's me that you can't go back. If I ever really sit down and have this conversation I'm afraid things are going to be said that can't be taken back and then there will only be one option left. An option I really don't want to consider.

CatEyes

 

[Vulpesvulpes]

Ok, so I lied

I said I wouldn't read here and yet I couldn't resist.

Thank you for your non-judgemental support.

I have talked to her about the unattractive habits and we have joined the "Y" together.

I have always tried to be supportive of her and never critical. She was a beauty queen in high school and she is really sensitive about her weight.

Maybe things will turn around and maybe not but either way, I would never hurt her.

I made a promise to her and it is a promise I intend to keep but also don't think it's unreasonable to expect that she make an effort to be sexy. Granny panties just don't do it for me.

I realize that this is dis-jointed and rambling but you get the idea.

-Vv

 

[CatEyes]

Cat Eyes, you struck a nerve when you commmented about not finding him desirable. I think that's most men's first conclusion when their wives loose interest. It's very frightening to us (damn we're delicate when it comes to our sexual ego), but I wholeheartedly agree that honest communication is the best approach.

I'm sorry, didn't mean to hit a nerve.

Honest communication....hmmm if it hit a nerve with you how do you think he would react?

I don't think it's a male thing, I think a woman would feel the same way if her husband didn't find her desirable.

CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

8,

I have one ? that I would like some to try and answer it is " Do we stay for the comfort or the love or the kids or what?" I dont know why I stay if it is for my daughter because i seen what a divorce did to me. Or if it is for the comfort or is just because i am scared? I don not know and i wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it all fixed and better and then i dont have to deal with it all... well until next time

PJ

I don't have any kids so it's not that. Fear might have something to do with it. For me mostly I think it's because I really do love him and except for the whole sex thing, I'm very happy right where I am.

I mean he can be a little insensitive at times but he also has his good moments and all in all he's a good person.

CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

mjp351,

Isn't it ironic to be lacking a sex life and yet sex is required to create the children? I have a co-worker who's sex life also disappeared pretty much after the honeymoon. But now they are trying to have children. So they are having sex more than ever - and he hates it. It is mechanical, empty, repetitive sex. It is everything he didn't want when dating. That is why he married someone he loved. Poof! Gone.

How does this happen? Why the hell is it so common? Are we just not well informed when we marry? Should there be a training course or something? And it isn't just women or men, it is happening accross the board.

"8"

I think it happens, and it seems to happen right after marriage because we don't put forth the effort to be attractive to our mates anymore. It's like people think, "well since I have him now I can walk around with rollers in my hair and my moomoo and eat bomboms all day," or "now that I have her I can walk around in my underwear with my belly hanging out and belch and fart to my hearts content." I don't think it's that drastic and it's not how everyone is but I'm sure it has alot to do with it.

I also personally think the internet has alot to do with it. I think it's so much easier nowadays to find someone who makes you feel better and sexier and show you all the things that you're missing. Temptation is right there in front of you and it's sooo easy to reach out. In our parents or grandparents time if all they knew was the missionary position then that's all they've ever know because there wasn't any way for them to see that things could be different.

We see and we want more and it makes what we have seem very boring in comparison.

It's all sexual. Most of the people who've posted love their spounses, enjoy being with them, don't want to D but are not happy sexually.

CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

Re: Ok, so I lied

I said I wouldn't read here and yet I couldn't resist.

Thank you for your non-judgemental support.

I have talked to her about the unattractive habits and we have joined the "Y" together.

I have always tried to be supportive of her and never critical. She was a beauty queen in high school and she is really sensitive about her weight.

Maybe things will turn around and maybe not but either way, I would never hurt her.

-Vv

Good luck Vulpes. Hope it all works out for you.



CatEyes

 

[Backyard sweaty]

I'm well aware........

that I ain't the most sensitive bastard on this thread but this is getting just a little to "deep" for even I.

I tried 'splaining this to you earlier but I was probably speaking French or something.

Folks........THERE IS NO ANSWER TO THIS PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!

Make do however you can, do what makes life easier and better for all involved, (within the limits of the law....you convicts).

I gotta say though.......the best suggestion I've heard yet was PJ's.

 

[49686]

The Smiling Bride!

You know why the Bride is always smiling walking down the aisle at her wedding ..... she's about to give her LAST blowjob!

 

[Elizabeth]

Re: The Smiling Bride!

You know why the Bride is always smiling walking down the aisle at her wedding ..... she's about to give her LAST blowjob!

I think you may have just killed this thread my friend.

 

[pjwalsh]

hey all