Meeting Potential Partners

[BiBunny]

Diamonds don't come out of the mine all sparkly. You have to tumble, polish and shape them a bit before they're really worth anything.

OMG, I love this! I may steal it for my sig line, if you don't mind.

 

[catalina_francisco]

OMG, I love this! I may steal it for my sig line, if you don't mind.

LOL, I was thinking the same as in it being a very wise statement....clever girl wenchie!!

Catalina

 

[CutieMouse]

I honestly didn't mean to sound negative, it's just... be thankful for the opportunities you have within driving distance, and don't waste them.

The Dallas Munch group is well established (I only went to a few when I lived in the area, I wish to high heaven I'd gone to more). There is a group for submissives that meets once a month as well. The household that runs the Southwest Leather Fest Conference every year (I think it's SW) is based out of Dallas. There are opportunities to take classes, attend seminars, go to social functions- all in the OP's back yard.

Gads I'm not even looking for someone at the moment, and I'd kill to have those sorts of resources (for friendship, education and self-enlightenment if nothing else) within a 90 minute drive...

 

[graceanne]

I honestly didn't mean to sound negative, it's just... be thankful for the opportunities you have within driving distance, and don't waste them.

The Dallas Munch group is well established (I only went to a few when I lived in the area, I wish to high heaven I'd gone to more). There is a group for submissives that meets once a month as well. The household that runs the Southwest Leather Fest Conference every year (I think it's SW) is based out of Dallas. There are opportunities to take classes, attend seminars, go to social functions- all in the OP's back yard.

Gads I'm not even looking for someone at the moment, and I'd kill to have those sorts of resources (for friendship, education and self-enlightenment if nothing else) within a 90 minute drive...

I have to admit that I think that the whole subs meeting by themselves is an awesome idea. It's got to feel a lot safer to single subs to start out that way. Heck, I'd feel better starting that way, and I'm not single.

 

[the captians wench]

OMG, I love this! I may steal it for my sig line, if you don't mind.

LOL, I was thinking the same as in it being a very wise statement....clever girl wenchie!!

Catalina

no I dont' mind bunny.

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks, wenchie!

 

[Shankara20]

I have to admit that I think that the whole subs meeting by themselves is an awesome idea.

sorry - but when I read about a meeting of subs my mind (perverted thing that it is) thought about trying to organize a basket of kittens....

 

[GeekySub]

Cutie I don't really think they are listening to you.

Finding a partner is hard work, D/s, vanilla, whatever the kink or vanilla interest it is hard work.

Maybe it is because it is 5.30am here and I am in a cynical mood, but OP's like this make me wonder if this is an overt way of finding someone here.

I never did understand anyone who was not willing to look outside their local area for a partner. That idea always seems like fishing in a small pond and hoping to find a dolphin!

I'm definately not fishing for a partner here.

I don't want to look outside my local area because my last 3 relationships have been long distance and ended up being very painful for me.

 

[GeekySub]

My advice to the OP is to drop the vanilla site ads unless you are open to a vanilla relationship. Why complicate something which is already complicated by finding someone who then has no interest in D/s, or thinks your sick when they find out yours? If you know what you want, don't try buying meat in a fruit shop...hances are you will find something not quite what you were wanting. Perhaps get someone to look over your ad and see if you could improve it in any way....some sites offer to do that for you. If there are sites you are on which have a forum or option to contribute articles/stories, do so....it increases your visibility, especially to people who are interested enough to actually talk or write about D/s instead of just looking for a fuck buddy.

In these uncertain times I would not be taking time off work, especially on a regular basis, to attend a munch...not worth the risk. Let's face it, if you lose your job you are further limited, and may appear also to be looking for someone to support you for those who are super suspicious of such things....and you have created another problem in your life to add to the partnerless one you already have. Bottom line is if you really want anything in life, you need to keep going for it and not get dissuaded too easily when it doesn't happen overnight. I know of subs in their 60's who have managed to find a PYL, and their odds were even less than someone young enough to bear children. Hang in there and don't settle for less than you want, but perhaps consider looking further afield than your own backyard.

Catalina

Thanks for the advice. My vanilla ads do specify that I am in the D/s Lifestyle, so I figure that hopefully people who don't know what that means, won't respond.

I feel as you do about taking off from work...my job is not kind about such things. You are expected to only take off for your scheduled vacation or if you have a docs note. Otherwise, you will get written up.

I think I'm just going to have to be patient...I'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster of LDR's and moving is not an option for me (I live on the same property as my aging parents and leaving them is not happening.)

You mentioned child-bearing status also...I cannot have children (which is a-ok with me as I never wanted any, but does scare off some partners.)

 

[GeekySub]

I guess it depends on your idea of 'local.' It sounds like you're not that far (more than, say, 3 hours) from a major metro area. You might have to be willing to drive a bit to meet someone at least halfway, but if you're serious about finding a LT, RL relationship, an hour or so in the car isn't a big deal, IMO.

Which dating sites have you tried so far? How long have you been actively out there and messaging potential matches? I've met people from CollarMe, OKCupid and Craigslist. Had I not found a sub in my spouse, I have no doubt I could have found at least one good partner on one of those sites. I'd have met plenty more non-matches and it would have taken time,

I really don't want to get involved with someone more than an hour away. My last one was 3 hrs away, which proved too far. Dallas is only an hour away, and I keep hoping I could meet somoene there, but when you aren't available to go to munches and such, it makes it difficult.

I haven't tried the dallas munches for that reason, but other munches I have gone in past times proved unsuccessful (everyone there was partnered or over the age of 45.)

I've tried collarme, alt. bondage.com, Craigslist, match.com, and yahoo personals.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm definately not fishing for a partner here.

I don't want to look outside my local area because my last 3 relationships have been long distance and ended up being very painful for me.

Perhaps you need to re evaluate what went wrong in those relationships.

What was the distance?

Was it really the distance that made it so difficult?

Do you think the same problems would have accured if the distance was say cut in half?

Were both of you willing to work around the distance issue?

Did both of you have the same expections in mind for the relationship?

I just find it hard to believe that it was solely the distance that made these relationships fail. I mean LDRs are no piece of cake. They take a lot more work and a lot more trust to build than some one who lives next door, I think. There are a lot more compromises to make, a lot more planning to do and just all out hard work.

If you don't want to put that much work into it, that's fine. Just don't expect to get a lot of nibbles on that line you're thowing out. I mean, how many fish do you supose live in a puddle?

 

[GeekySub]

OMG A rare Andante sighting. I must have found a mammal in a fishpond

[rant]

Beachgurl you have really good reasons for wanting stay within the State you live. That is not the same as being unwilling to drive for an hour to meet people. If you met someone out of state and things worked well between you, I can see it would be difficult but not necessarily impossible. He could move nearer you or you could both move to the state line. Your situation is very different from the OP's.

Cutie gave this OP lots of ways to meet, some of which could fit into his work schedule at least a few times in the coming year; yet he came back with a negative response each time.

I have a short string of patience for people like that.

JM At least you went out and found them, you didn't sit on your computer complaining that you could not meet anyone.

I met a vanilla man once who was not prepared to look further than a 4 mile radius from where he lived. I was within that 4 miles so he asked me out. I walked out during the date and went home. He wasn't looking for 'me' he was looking for anyone that meant he did not have to make too much of an effort.

If you can't find people locally, you need to go further afield.
The county next to me does not have a BDSM scene (other than a very seedy dungeon club in a seaside resort), anyone living in that county has to travel at least an hour to the next city. or over an hour to another city both of which have very sctive scenes. People car share and no-one complains about having to travel. They have not set up their own munch because they are ok about making an effort to meet like minded people.

Perhaps it is a city/country thing. In the UK people who live in the country expect to have to travel for an hour to go anywhere.

When I saw Andantes ad, the bit that said 'I live in Denmark' never really registered with me. I just accepted that if we got on, the distance thing would work out. So far it has.

People who are constantly negative drive me crazy. If you want something to happen you have to make an effort, whether it is walking away from the computer or driving for an hour. Nothing happens from wishing it to come true.
[/rant]

First of all, I am not a He. I am a GIRL.

Secondly, I do not unwilling to drive an hour. I AM unwilling to drive more than an hour, because I've been there and done that and was fricking miserable. If that makes me a negative person, so be it. I want a partner who lives close enough to see everyday. I have been in LDRs for 4 long years and I think I deserve someone local for once. I am tired of being lonely all the time, and having partners who cannot come over on the spur of the moment when I have a situation where I need them or desire their company.

I end up spending all my holidays, bdays, emergency situations, etc with my gay best friend because he's the only one who lives close enough to be there for me. That gets old, when you WANT your dominant to be the one by your side, holding you and being there with you.

I'm sorry that I'm not willing to jeopardize my job to go to munches...I wasn't raised that way. I was raised with work ethic and you only take off work if you're puking or running a fever.

Maybe you have enough time in your schedule to do things like drive around all the time. I have aging parents and a horse farm to run plus a full time job. I need someone who can come to ME.

 

[GeekySub]

Perhaps you need to re evaluate what went wrong in those relationships.

What was the distance?

Was it really the distance that made it so difficult?

Do you think the same problems would have accured if the distance was say cut in half?

Were both of you willing to work around the distance issue?

Did both of you have the same expections in mind for the relationship?

I just find it hard to believe that it was solely the distance that made these relationships fail. I mean LDRs are no piece of cake. They take a lot more work and a lot more trust to build than some one who lives next door, I think. There are a lot more compromises to make, a lot more planning to do and just all out hard work.

If you don't want to put that much work into it, that's fine. Just don't expect to get a lot of nibbles on that line you're thowing out. I mean, how many fish do you supose live in a puddle?

I don't believe the distance was the only issue, but it was a major factor. I have very high attention needs and I ended up being very depressed when I couldn't be with them. Both of them told me the same thing.."You're too smothering, you want to talk every day just because we can't see each other,etc...you need to find someone local who can give you the amount of attention you need to feel satisfied." If I'm not seeing them at least once a week and talking once a day, I'm not going to be happy and I recognize that. Getting back into a LDR is setting myself up for failure, especially since I know that relocating is not an option for me.

 

[the captians wench]

First of all, I am not a He. I am a GIRL.

Secondly, I do not unwilling to drive an hour. I AM unwilling to drive more than an hour, because I've been there and done that and was fricking miserable. If that makes me a negative person, so be it. I want a partner who lives close enough to see everyday. I have been in LDRs for 4 long years and I think I deserve someone local for once. I am tired of being lonely all the time, and having partners who cannot come over on the spur of the moment when I have I have a situation where I need them or desire their company.

I end up spending all my holidays, bdays, emergency situations, etc with my gay best friend because he's the only one who lives close enough to be there for me. That gets old, when you WANT your dominant to be the one by your side, holding you and being there with you.

I'm sorry that I'm not willing to jeopardize my job to go to munches...I wasn't raised that way. I was raised with work ethic and you only take off work if you're puking or running a fever.

Might there be a way to re arange your work schedule so that you could have your day off to coinside with these munches?

I understand not wanting to take off work for something like this. I haven't taken an extra day off in 16 months....which is why I'm so anxious for my vacation comming up. But I can request my off days from time to time.

But if you're job doesn't work with this that's understandable.

 

[GeekySub]

Might there be a way to re arange your work schedule so that you could have your day off to coinside with these munches?

I understand not wanting to take off work for something like this. I haven't taken an extra day off in 16 months....which is why I'm so anxious for my vacation comming up. But I can request my off days from time to time.

But if you're job doesn't work with this that's understandable.

I work for the county jail..Friday is considered a "prime day off" and you generally have to be there at least 5 years to get it. I feel lucky enough that I have saturday and sundays off, which took me 3 years to get.

Anyone who works in law enforcement knows that your schedule is never the same as any normal persons and weekends off are hard to come buy when you don't have seniority.

 

[the captians wench]

I don't believe the distance was the only issue, but it was a major factor. I have very high attention needs and I ended up being very depressed when I couldn't be with them. Both of them told me the same thing.."You're too smothering, you want to talk every day just because we can't see each other,etc...you need to find someone local who can give you the amount of attention you need to feel satisfied." If I'm not seeing them at least once a week and talking once a day, I'm not going to be happy and I recognize that. Getting back into a LDR is setting myself up for failure, especially since I know that relocating is not an option for me.

See there you hit the real issue.

I was married to some one who thought that I was smothering him because I wanted to cuddle for 10 mins a day every day. This is some one I lived with! I think you'll find that it's not always the distance that makes some one feel smothered. Sounds to me like these guys would have done the same if they were local as well. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to talk to the person you're involved with every day. But then I'm a needy little thing too.

And I think lil_slave_rose will vouch for this, but there are those guys out there who will call you every day, travel to see you as often as possible, and do everything they can to support you and be with you even when they can't "be with you". For those of us who need special attention, we have to find those guys willing to give that to us. And there are just as many who will shower you with that attention from a far as there are who will do it close to you.

I don't think 3 hours is too far to drive to see some one once a week. You just have to find some one who's willing to do those things that you need them to, and I really don't think shorting your playing field is going to make that job any easier.

 

[the captians wench]

I work for the county jail..Friday is considered a "prime day off" and you generally have to be there at least 5 years to get it. I feel lucky enough that I have saturday and sundays off, which took me 3 years to get.

Anyone who works in law enforcement knows that your schedule is never the same as any normal persons and weekends off are hard to come buy when you don't have seniority.

I know what you mean. I work in food service and lint is comming up. I won't see another friday off until easter. I usually don't get weekends off, and I work 4am-1 so I'm in bed by 7 or 8. *sigh* so I don't get much time out with friends and stuff either.

 

[GeekySub]

I guess I'm just gun-shy about the whole LDR thing.

The last one was really painful for me. He was 3hrs away and I was driving to see him every weekend. Things were ok till he got another job that didn't give him weekends off very often, and we went from seeing each other 3-4 times a month to only once every 4-6 weeks. Then everything went to hell in a handbasket.

I'm terrified of getting into another LDR that SEEMS close enough only to have something like this happen once I'm really attached to him. You can't predict the future and know whether or not this person's schedule will allow for you to see him often.

 

[GeekySub]

I know what you mean. I work in food service and lint is comming up. I won't see another friday off until easter. I usually don't get weekends off, and I work 4am-1 so I'm in bed by 7 or 8. *sigh* so I don't get much time out with friends and stuff either.

I know the feeling..and people with more normal schedules are really insenstive to the fact that we don't all work 9-5 or at jobs where you can take off just cause you want to!

It really amazes me how people are willing to rearrange their whole life for a romantic partner....I want romance in my life, but some things come first and any dominant I'm with will have to understand that. My job, my family, and my family's farm have to come before anything. I'm not going to jeopardize any of that for ANY man. And if that makes me "less" of a submissive, so be it.

In my last relationship, I was away every weekend for several months to be with my dominant and felt guilty as hell when I got back to find out that my parents (not in the best of health) had no help unloading 500 bales of hay or working 5 horses a day.

"Gee mom, sorry I couldn't help...I was busy getting fucked all weekend." Yah, my family didn't appreciate that concept much.

 

[JazzManJim]

It's just so frustrating...I hate being alone, and would like to at least start meeting people and dating again, but I'm having no luck whatsoever...

I'd say the first thing is to be patient. Oh sure, easy for me to say, right?

Just be patient. There are a lot of people in the world and you're sifting through all of them, potentially, for one. That takes some time, you know?

 

[the captians wench]

I know the feeling..and people with more normal schedules are really insenstive to the fact that we don't all work 9-5 or at jobs where you can take off just cause you want to!

It really amazes me how people are willing to rearrange their whole life for a romantic partner....I want romance in my life, but some things come first and any dominant I'm with will have to understand that. My job, my family, and my family's farm have to come before anything. I'm not going to jeopardize any of that for ANY man. And if that makes me "less" of a submissive, so be it.

In my last relationship, I was away every weekend for several months to be with my dominant and felt guilty as hell when I got back to find out that my parents (not in the best of health) had no help unloading 500 bales of hay or working 5 horses a day.

"Gee mom, sorry I couldn't help...I was busy getting fucked all weekend." Yah, my family didn't appreciate that concept much.

See the very first question that pops in my head is why didn't he come see you some times? Did he even offer? or were you just expected to drive to him if you wanted to see him?

I have a friend who's very good at taking care of my attention need. He's been known to drive 45 mins to spend half an hour with me and then drive 45 mins home. That means he spends 3 times the amount of time on the road as he does with me, when our schedules meet up anyway.

I can understand your hesitence, but really I think you're going to find the same problem looking closer too you as you found with the LDRs.

Me I'm upfront about my needyness. I streight up tell the person I'm interested in that I need a lot of attention, I'm going to expect to see you this often, I'll expect to hear from you this often, and I expect you to shower me with affection imbetween those periods....can you deal with this? Most of the time they turn and run screaming, but those who didn't have proven to be worth my time.

 

[GeekySub]

He never offered to come see me, but I sort of understand why. Afterall, I live with family and being at his place offered more privacy. Plus he had an older vehicle, etc, so I guess it made more sense for me to come to him.

I'm glad I'm not the only needy one around here. I try to be upfront with it.

I think a big part of my problem is just being a weird person. I don't fit a typical mold. I live with family and am unwilling to move, I can't have/don't want kids, I work in law enforcement (so if you do anything illegal, I'm not interested), I have gay friends (so if you're not cool with gay people, I don't want you around), I refuse to date christians (severely limits my options), I have a houseful of pets (so anybody who is with me must LOVE animals) etc.

I think I'm just going to have to be patient. The right guy is out there somewhere.

 

[shy slave]

Geekysub He could live on your doorstep and still not visit or be what you want.

It is not all about LDR, it is about the people you find regardless of distance.
In your first post you were not clear about things, that continued even when cutie gave you help.

I have met Doms who think the sub should do all the work, it is nothing to do with where they, or you live; it is everything to do with how selfish and self-important they feel.

Work issues can be worked around, even if it means taking holidays.
As wenchie said (wenchie said alot of things in this thread that make sense), LDR's are hard work it takes both people to make them work. If you are the only person making the effort (or feeling as if you are) then it will fail. Just as any relationship which is onesided will fail.

Everyone has difficult lives and personal things that get in the way. No-one escapes that.

I really struggle with people who always look to the negatives and have a bleak outlook.

I hope you find someone who meets your needs and is able to support you the way you want to be supported.

 

[graceanne]

Sometimes you gotta make a little sacrifice if you want something worth keeping. Sometimes you gotta go outside your area of comfort to find a person worth keeping.

 

[GeekySub]

Geekysub He could live on your doorstep and still not visit or be what you want.

It is not all about LDR, it is about the people you find regardless of distance.
In your first post you were not clear about things, that continued even when cutie gave you help.

I have met Doms who think the sub should do all the work, it is nothing to do with where they, or you live; it is everything to do with how selfish and self-important they feel.

Work issues can be worked around, even if it means taking holidays.
As wenchie said (wenchie said alot of things in this thread that make sense), LDR's are hard work it takes both people to make them work. If you are the only person making the effort (or feeling as if you are) then it will fail. Just as any relationship which is onesided will fail.

Everyone has difficult lives and personal things that get in the way. No-one escapes that.

I really struggle with people who always look to the negatives and have a bleak outlook.

I hope you find someone who meets your needs and is able to support you the way you want to be supported.

I guess I am just stubborn and negative. I am NOT using my benefit hours at work to do things related to my romance life. My few personal/vacation days are used for horse shows. I am simply not willing to look out of my local area. End of story. I've been there, done that, it sucked like hell, and I'm not putting myself through any more misery.

If he doesn't live close enough to drop by after work, I am simply not interested.

What part of "LDR's suck and I've gotten my heart broken 3 times over it" do people not get?

I appreciate you wishing me well, but I feel like I'm being badgered just because I'm not interested in LDRs. Dude, they don't work for everybody!

I'm normally NOT bleak and negative, but I AM stubborn and when my mind is set to something, it doesn't change easily.