Meeting Potential Partners

[shy slave]

I guess I am just stubborn and negative. I am NOT using my benefit hours at work to do things related to my romance life. My few personal/vacation days are used for horse shows. I am simply not willing to look out of my local area. End of story. I've been there, done that, it sucked like hell, and I'm not putting myself through any more misery.

If he doesn't live close enough to drop by after work, I am simply not interested.

What part of "LDR's suck and I've gotten my heart broken 3 times over it" do people not get?

I appreciate you wishing me well, but I feel like I'm being badgered just because I'm not interested in LDRs. Dude, they don't work for everybody!

I'm normally NOT bleak and negative, but I AM stubborn and when my mind is set to something, it doesn't change easily.

I am sorry if I or anyone else made you feel badgered, that was not my intention.

I don't say things I don't mean.
I do wish you well in your search, finding a partner is never easy; and I hope you find the right person for you.

 

[GeekySub]

I'm sure you didn't do it on purpose...I just feel like people don't understand why someone would refuse to do an LDR.

I've done it so many times I'm sick of it. I want to be able to call my partner on the phone and say "Drop by for a few minutes". I want to be able to see them several times a week.

I'm tired of having to be alone because my partner is far away.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

See there you hit the real issue.

I was married to some one who thought that I was smothering him because I wanted to cuddle for 10 mins a day every day. This is some one I lived with! I think you'll find that it's not always the distance that makes some one feel smothered. Sounds to me like these guys would have done the same if they were local as well. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to talk to the person you're involved with every day. But then I'm a needy little thing too.

And I think lil_slave_rose will vouch for this, but there are those guys out there who will call you every day, travel to see you as often as possible, and do everything they can to support you and be with you even when they can't "be with you". For those of us who need special attention, we have to find those guys willing to give that to us. And there are just as many who will shower you with that attention from a far as there are who will do it close to you.

I don't think 3 hours is too far to drive to see some one once a week. You just have to find some one who's willing to do those things that you need them to, and I really don't think shorting your playing field is going to make that job any easier.

rose's Master will vouch for it. I just returned from My second cross country vacation in four months so I could be with her. We talk every day, and I wish like hell we were only three hours apart... *sigh*

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I guess I'm just gun-shy about the whole LDR thing.

The last one was really painful for me. He was 3hrs away and I was driving to see him every weekend. Things were ok till he got another job that didn't give him weekends off very often, and we went from seeing each other 3-4 times a month to only once every 4-6 weeks. Then everything went to hell in a handbasket.

I'm terrified of getting into another LDR that SEEMS close enough only to have something like this happen once I'm really attached to him. You can't predict the future and know whether or not this person's schedule will allow for you to see him often.

that is very understandable. I had sworn off LDRs when I met rose... But there was just something about her...

As you said you cannot predict the future, and you can also get your heart broken by someone you meet who lives around the corner.

That said, I do wish you all the best of luck in finding that One that meets your needs.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I know the feeling..and people with more normal schedules are really insenstive to the fact that we don't all work 9-5 or at jobs where you can take off just cause you want to!
.

I work retail, and can relate to the non 9-5 thing...

 

[MasterPhoenix]

He never offered to come see me, but I sort of understand why. Afterall, I live with family and being at his place offered more privacy. Plus he had an older vehicle, etc, so I guess it made more sense for me to come to him.

I'm glad I'm not the only needy one around here. I try to be upfront with it.

I think a big part of my problem is just being a weird person. I don't fit a typical mold. I live with family and am unwilling to move, I can't have/don't want kids, I work in law enforcement (so if you do anything illegal, I'm not interested), I have gay friends (so if you're not cool with gay people, I don't want you around), I refuse to date christians (severely limits my options), I have a houseful of pets (so anybody who is with me must LOVE animals) etc.

I think I'm just going to have to be patient. The right guy is out there somewhere.

Definately an interesting combination you got going there. I am sure that there is a charming eclectic athiest is out there for you.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I guess I am just stubborn and negative. I am NOT using my benefit hours at work to do things related to my romance life. My few personal/vacation days are used for horse shows. I am simply not willing to look out of my local area. End of story. I've been there, done that, it sucked like hell, and I'm not putting myself through any more misery.

If he doesn't live close enough to drop by after work, I am simply not interested.

What part of "LDR's suck and I've gotten my heart broken 3 times over it" do people not get?

I appreciate you wishing me well, but I feel like I'm being badgered just because I'm not interested in LDRs. Dude, they don't work for everybody!

I'm normally NOT bleak and negative, but I AM stubborn and when my mind is set to something, it doesn't change easily.

I didn't see anyone badgering you on having a LDR. They are hard, and they do suck. I know I am in one. I would kill to be closer to My little one. (Since you are in Law Enforcement, I offer the disclaimer that the kill thing was a metaphor.)

We are providing insight to help you with your problem, and offering friendship.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Perhaps you need to re evaluate what went wrong in those relationships.

What was the distance?

Was it really the distance that made it so difficult?

Do you think the same problems would have accured if the distance was say cut in half?

Were both of you willing to work around the distance issue?

Did both of you have the same expections in mind for the relationship?

I just find it hard to believe that it was solely the distance that made these relationships fail. I mean LDRs are no piece of cake. They take a lot more work and a lot more trust to build than some one who lives next door, I think. There are a lot more compromises to make, a lot more planning to do and just all out hard work.

If you don't want to put that much work into it, that's fine. Just don't expect to get a lot of nibbles on that line you're thowing out. I mean, how many fish do you supose live in a puddle?

i don't agree with everyone who is saying LDR is the way to go..and i'm in an LDR lol..i think that LDR's do fail more simply because they are harder to maintain, harder to build that trust, harder to get together for whatever reason. i dont' know many who would have stuck out what Master and i or you and Your Master would have wenchie. all i am saying is understand why you'd be looking for someone an hour away instead of say 39 hours away as Master and i are....(and that's if you drive straight through no stopping) i understand the need for that physical touch and not constantly wondering when you will feel it, that if you wanted to, you could drive an hour and go see them. no, i'm not saying i regret my relationship with Master, i'm just saying i simply understand why you'd want to look for someone in 'your own back yard' as someone else put it. obviously you'll have more options if you're willing to go LDR, but for some, that just isn't possible with work etc...

 

[lil_slave_rose]

First of all, I am not a He. I am a GIRL.

Secondly, I do not unwilling to drive an hour. I AM unwilling to drive more than an hour, because I've been there and done that and was fricking miserable. If that makes me a negative person, so be it. I want a partner who lives close enough to see everyday. I have been in LDRs for 4 long years and I think I deserve someone local for once. I am tired of being lonely all the time, and having partners who cannot come over on the spur of the moment when I have a situation where I need them or desire their company.

I end up spending all my holidays, bdays, emergency situations, etc with my gay best friend because he's the only one who lives close enough to be there for me. That gets old, when you WANT your dominant to be the one by your side, holding you and being there with you.

I'm sorry that I'm not willing to jeopardize my job to go to munches...I wasn't raised that way. I was raised with work ethic and you only take off work if you're puking or running a fever.

Maybe you have enough time in your schedule to do things like drive around all the time. I have aging parents and a horse farm to run plus a full time job. I need someone who can come to ME.

not to mention gas prices and how much gas it takes to drive an hour away let alone further than that as i've said in other posts i DO understand why you are not looking for an LDR..they are hard on the heart, mind and everything else. i dont' blame you for looking locally, i've been in a LDR for 3 years and it's not been easy, not at all, we have to work at it everyday to maintain it. anyway, good luck and i hope you find the one you are looking for.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

See there you hit the real issue.

I was married to some one who thought that I was smothering him because I wanted to cuddle for 10 mins a day every day. This is some one I lived with! I think you'll find that it's not always the distance that makes some one feel smothered. Sounds to me like these guys would have done the same if they were local as well. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to talk to the person you're involved with every day. But then I'm a needy little thing too.

And I think lil_slave_rose will vouch for this, but there are those guys out there who will call you every day, travel to see you as often as possible, and do everything they can to support you and be with you even when they can't "be with you". For those of us who need special attention, we have to find those guys willing to give that to us. And there are just as many who will shower you with that attention from a far as there are who will do it close to you.

I don't think 3 hours is too far to drive to see some one once a week. You just have to find some one who's willing to do those things that you need them to, and I really don't think shorting your playing field is going to make that job any easier.

i will vouch for the fact that there are those out there who will call you everyday. Master and i talk Almost ALL day everyday except when we are sleeping, or working. He calls me on His breaks at work. but it's not always been that simple. when we first got together our phone bills were extremely high, lucky for me i had a roommate who had a good job and he paid the bills of course he was not happy about the phone bill but that's another story..LOL...but then we both got unlimited long distance and when my roommate 'moved out' i had to get rid of that, and Master used His cell phone to call me, but we had to be careful on minutes...now, however He has gotten me a phone on His cell phone plan and it works out great...free mobile to mobile anytime and then free nights and weekends so He can call me on my home phone after 9:00. not sure why i felt ya'll needed to know this..LOL was just saying yes, you can find those willing to call you and talk to you daily but it's also not so simple unless ya both have really good jobs and can afford the phone bills neither of us have great jobs, but we made it work because there was no other choice, i'm a needy lil bitch and Master will vouch for that *grins* if i couldn't talk to Him daily and as much as we do, we wouldn't have made it this far, i know that for a fact.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

not to mention gas prices and how much gas it takes to drive an hour away let alone further than that as i've said in other posts i DO understand why you are not looking for an LDR..they are hard on the heart, mind and everything else. i dont' blame you for looking locally, i've been in a LDR for 3 years and it's not been easy, not at all, we have to work at it everyday to maintain it. anyway, good luck and i hope you find the one you are looking for.

It is a long hard road, and one htat I can not say is easy.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I know the feeling..and people with more normal schedules are really insenstive to the fact that we don't all work 9-5 or at jobs where you can take off just cause you want to!

It really amazes me how people are willing to rearrange their whole life for a romantic partner....I want romance in my life, but some things come first and any dominant I'm with will have to understand that. My job, my family, and my family's farm have to come before anything. I'm not going to jeopardize any of that for ANY man. And if that makes me "less" of a submissive, so be it.

In my last relationship, I was away every weekend for several months to be with my dominant and felt guilty as hell when I got back to find out that my parents (not in the best of health) had no help unloading 500 bales of hay or working 5 horses a day.

"Gee mom, sorry I couldn't help...I was busy getting fucked all weekend." Yah, my family didn't appreciate that concept much.

while i do understand that family comes first, it's also not fair to feel 'guilty' for taking time away from all of that and doing something for you. if your family loves you they should understand that you aren't always going to be there. trust me i know what it's like to have unhealthy parents, my mom died of cancer when i was 15 years old (i'm now 29) and my dad is starting to get in very bad health, which is the reason re-locating to live with Master is out of the question for me. i take care of my dad as well , no He doesn't have a farm but there are some things He just can't do anymore and i'm there to help Him do it, BUT, if i need to do something for me, i do it, without feeling guilt that i was away from Him for a while, i have other family members who can help if i'm not around and it doesn't hurt them to do for Him once in a while. if you are going to feel guilty every time you go to see your dominant, then i'm not sure you're going to find one that is willing to deal with that.....you can't make excuses for everything. and 3 hours really isn't that far of a drive to be the one you love for the weekend....i would DIE to have Master only 3 hours away....so i guess it comes down to what you are willing to do to make a relationship work. i agreed with you alot on the whole LDR thing but the morei think about it the more i realize 3 hours is NOT that far....and i'm sorry but the more i read your posts the more 'excuses' i see coming up as to why you cannot do this or that. if you want a relationship you will have to sacrifice quite a bit to make it work....that's just how it is...if you are unwilling or 'can't' as you put it, then i don't see how you expect even a local relationship to work.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I guess I am just stubborn and negative. I am NOT using my benefit hours at work to do things related to my romance life. My few personal/vacation days are used for horse shows. I am simply not willing to look out of my local area. End of story. I've been there, done that, it sucked like hell, and I'm not putting myself through any more misery.

If he doesn't live close enough to drop by after work, I am simply not interested.

What part of "LDR's suck and I've gotten my heart broken 3 times over it" do people not get?

I appreciate you wishing me well, but I feel like I'm being badgered just because I'm not interested in LDRs. Dude, they don't work for everybody!

I'm normally NOT bleak and negative, but I AM stubborn and when my mind is set to something, it doesn't change easily.

but 3 hours is NOT an LDR!!! not much of one anyway, it's still close enough you can go be with them atleast once a week , or the whole weekend. try being 2,253 miles away from the one you love for 3 flippin years! that's an LDR. it sounds like you live out in the country and i'm not understanding how you think you are going to find someone in the 'local' area that is close enough to stop by every night after work. i'm sorry but again i see the excuses coming up here. if you are not willing to use your sick time or whatever to see you t he one you love then i'm not sure where you're going to find someone who can deal with the fact that you are not willing to sacrifice things to make the relationship work. Master has come to see me twice in two years. once in September and once in January and He used his vacation/sick time at work to do it! why? because He loves me and that's what it took to get Him to me. i think you need to take a look at your own posts and see the excuses that are popping up all over the place and maybe deal with whatever those issues are that cause you to make the excuses. i'm not badgering you and no one else here is either, you asked for advice and we are g iving it based on what we see in your posts...

 

[lil_slave_rose]

He never offered to come see me, but I sort of understand why. Afterall, I live with family and being at his place offered more privacy. Plus he had an older vehicle, etc, so I guess it made more sense for me to come to him.

I'm glad I'm not the only needy one around here. I try to be upfront with it.

I think a big part of my problem is just being a weird person. I don't fit a typical mold. I live with family and am unwilling to move, I can't have/don't want kids, I work in law enforcement (so if you do anything illegal, I'm not interested), I have gay friends (so if you're not cool with gay people, I don't want you around), I refuse to date christians (severely limits my options), I have a houseful of pets (so anybody who is with me must LOVE animals) etc.

I think I'm just going to have to be patient. The right guy is out there somewhere.

wow that's alot of stipulations..you won't date christians?? what's up with that ? we're not all bad *giggles* Master is Buddhist and i'm Christian good thing one of his stipulations was not that he wouldnt' date outside of his religion because i'd have been screwed for sure. i don't see why it matters what religion someone is, sure you see things differently but thats' what makes life interesting i love that Master and are different but respect each others views i love talking religion with Him and hearing how He believes...anyway..i saw this and had to again respond..LOL..sheesh, i'm post whoring....

 

[MasterPhoenix]

I actually had a girl refuse to go out with Me, just for coffee... becuase I am not a Christian....

So I would not put that limitation out there...

but that is just Me.

 

[the captians wench]

i don't agree with everyone who is saying LDR is the way to go..and i'm in an LDR lol..i think that LDR's do fail more simply because they are harder to maintain, harder to build that trust, harder to get together for whatever reason. i dont' know many who would have stuck out what Master and i or you and Your Master would have wenchie. all i am saying is understand why you'd be looking for someone an hour away instead of say 39 hours away as Master and i are....(and that's if you drive straight through no stopping) i understand the need for that physical touch and not constantly wondering when you will feel it, that if you wanted to, you could drive an hour and go see them. no, i'm not saying i regret my relationship with Master, i'm just saying i simply understand why you'd want to look for someone in 'your own back yard' as someone else put it. obviously you'll have more options if you're willing to go LDR, but for some, that just isn't possible with work etc...

I don't think any one is saying LDR is the way to go (Lord knows I wouldn't wish my situation on any one), what I'm sujesting is not to dismiss some one just because they aren't living next door.

With the issues she is had in the past it seems to me like it was more about people who could not deal with some one who needs more attention than most. Something I relate to well. I don't think a phone call every day would be too much to ask (if he lived in the same country as I do even), and I don't think 3 hours is too much to drive if some one really needs you. But there are those who think a phone call every day is too much and 20 mins is too far if they don't feel like getting out of bed.

She's going to run into the same problems with more local people as well, it's just fact and I think distance had very little to do with her ex's not wanting to talk to her on the phone. For fucks sake why shouldn't she be able to talk to some one she cares about every day!

Anyway, like I said LDR's are hard, and they do take a lot of work. But RELATIONSHIPS are hard in general, and you can't have one by yourself.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I don't think any one is saying LDR is the way to go (Lord knows I wouldn't wish my situation on any one), what I'm sujesting is not to dismiss some one just because they aren't living next door.

With the issues she is had in the past it seems to me like it was more about people who could not deal with some one who needs more attention than most. Something I relate to well. I don't think a phone call every day would be too much to ask (if he lived in the same country as I do even), and I don't think 3 hours is too much to drive if some one really needs you. But there are those who think a phone call every day is too much and 20 mins is too far if they don't feel like getting out of bed.

She's going to run into the same problems with more local people as well, it's just fact and I think distance had very little to do with her ex's not wanting to talk to her on the phone. For fucks sake why shouldn't she be able to talk to some one she cares about every day!

Anyway, like I said LDR's are hard, and they do take a lot of work. But RELATIONSHIPS are hard in general, and you can't have one by yourself.

i agree with you, and if you read on, my views on the OP changed..LOL

 

[the captians wench]

i agree with you, and if you read on, my views on the OP changed..LOL

*giggles* well it's early and I've gotta get ready for work so I'm being lazy.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

*giggles* well it's early and I've gotta get ready for work so I'm being lazy.

i know all too well about bein lazy, i'm that all of the time i'm not going to work but later in the day i'm goin to visit a friend in prison, i think...haven't really decided yet, but i'm pretty sure..LOL

 

[cutsnakes]

LDR: I agree with the common thought here, that typically they are difficult. I will say I have been in a few rewarding ones. One of those even worked out fairly well, with me moving to be with my little one. I enjoyed and relished the time I had with her, and it does me sorrow that things eventually worked out the way that they did. Perhaps in some other iteration, things went well, but timing and ambition drew and quartered us.

Admittedly, I learned much about myself, and still talk with her, so far away, though now my interest is purely avuncular. There is one other that shared our space, and I think perhaps she too might have been my anima, but neither of us will move and both of us saw what the last attempt at an LDR dissolved into. Still I talk to both occasionally on the phone and I find that old memories while they die hard, also invigorate, a strong spirit kept in a closet and seldom savored but bracing.

I suppose my advice (it's free, and worth it, if I do say so) then is to tread lightly and move with caution, but don't forget someone just because of distance.

Warmest.

-D-

 

[MasterPhoenix]

*giggles* well it's early and I've gotta get ready for work so I'm being lazy.

Its late, and I shoudl be asleep

 

[catalina_francisco]

I guess the important thing is you find the right person for you. I know when we met, we had both decided to stop looking further afield and concentrate on trying to find someone reasonably local simply for all the difficulties LDR incur, but something screamed out at both of us and we felt we couldn't let it pass by unexplored so responded to each other....the rest is history. It wasn't easy, it wasn't without pain, and until another Dom said to me if we really wanted to be physically together we would just do it(and this was after we had already married and were trying to work out all the details of being together), we just decided to forget about the details until AFTER we were actually living under the same roof. Still was difficult, but was also possible and a lot less painful than living 16,000kms apart.

Catalina

 

[GeekySub]

wow that's alot of stipulations..you won't date christians?? what's up with that ? we're not all bad *giggles* Master is Buddhist and i'm Christian good thing one of his stipulations was not that he wouldnt' date outside of his religion because i'd have been screwed for sure. i don't see why it matters what religion someone is, sure you see things differently but thats' what makes life interesting i love that Master and are different but respect each others views i love talking religion with Him and hearing how He believes...anyway..i saw this and had to again respond..LOL..sheesh, i'm post whoring....

Peope can say I make excuses if they want, but they do not live my life.

As for my parents, I am the only child and the only one here to help them

On the LDR thing, I also agreed that 3 hrs was not too far, until he got a job that never gave weekends off and I could no longer see him except every 4-6 weeks.

As for religion, I am pagan. Have yet to meet a christian who is comfortable dating a pagan. They tend to see the giant pentagram tapestry and get uncomfortable.

An hour is simply as far as I'm willing to go...I guess thats means I'm doomed to be alone. I'm picky and while I hate being alone, I'll be alone forever before I'll settle.

 

[the captians wench]

Peope can say I make excuses if they want, but they do not live my life.

As for my parents, I am the only child and the only one here to help them

On the LDR thing, I also agreed that 3 hrs was not too far, until he got a job that never gave weekends off and I could no longer see him except every 4-6 weeks.

As for religion, I am pagan. Have yet to meet a christian who is comfortable dating a pagan. They tend to see the giant pentagram tapestry and get uncomfortable.

An hour is simply as far as I'm willing to go...I guess thats means I'm doomed to be alone. I'm picky and while I hate being alone, I'll be alone forever before I'll settle.

One of my play partners/friends is pagan. Tho I agree a relationship with him would not work. Man is he fun to play with tho. The way we always worked out the religious aspect of things is we had an agreement not to talk about any religious matter. Tho i can understand why you wouldn't want to date a christian in that instance.

I think an hour is a good distance to start your look in. Just if some one out side of that hour pops up and seems compatable don't dismiss him right away because of the distance is all I'm saying.

It's fine to be picky, just don't expect to find something right away when you narrow your search down to such a fine outline of what you want.

 

[GeekySub]

That's good advice, and I do agree.

Lately, everyone that tries to contact me is like across the country though. I've done that once (he lived in michigan) and boy was that not fun! He did come visit me as often as possible and call every day, but I got horribly lonely!

I see what you mean about the religious stuff..if you're just going to deal with each other briefly, religion isn't an issue. Those who think it's unfair of me to not get involved with christians probably aren't pagan or never dated one.

Christians hear that you are pagan and start with the fire and brimstone lecture , 9 times out of 10. The ones who SAY they are ok with it still freak out at some of the pagan paraphernalia in my house or get uncomfortable when I talk about my beliefs. Partners should be able to share everything....not being able to discuss religion limits your ability to understand and comfort each other, especially when tragic things happen such as a death in the family.