Men & Kink

[SlaveNano]

I have just caught up with this post and have found it really interesting. As a submissive male I would like to offer my perspective.

I discovered my submissive side relatively late in life (mid-40s). It had been something building up in me for some years before then mainly through fantasies about bondage, domination and cp. I certainly didn’t get any sense of this about myself as a younger man. In the end I decided to act and see if the reality matched with the fantasy by going to see a pro-domme. I went thinking it would be a one-off, that I would just feel stupid and the whole thing would be really naff. But, the experience was mind blowing, a complete revelation to me that exposed a deep rooted need to submit to a dominant female figure.

I visit my mistress/Goddess about every 3-4 weeks. I am not in 24/7 submissive relationship and I do this within the context of a stable long term marriage. I manage this by keeping my life in separate compartments. When I visit Goddess’s domain we talk openly about entering another world, an alternative place created by her where my submissive tendencies are explored and boundaries pushed. I have come to acknowledge that this is part of my make up and I am happy with who I am and the fact that I get satisfaction and fulfilment from this. Another thing it has done for me is open up a vein of imagination and creativity I did not realise I had, which has led me to posting my stories on this site.

I have no problem accepting these feelings to myself and expressing them to the Goddess I serve. But, I do have difficulty explaining them to somebody else, outside of an anonymous cyber environment like this one. The putting into compartments or other worlds is how I deal with this.

I have never told my wife about these feelings and what I do. Odd though it might seem to some I do genuinely love my wife and do see her as my long term partner. Now, I’m aware of all the contradictions here and I’m sure many of you will be quick to point them out. I guess that after 15 years of marriage I found it really hard to express, out of the blue, that I had these powerful submissive tendencies until I got so deeply into them that it became even more difficult. Yes, at various times I’ve thought long and hard about admitting to them but decided not to – that managing what I do would be better than opening up a can of worms and risk hurting somebody I care about.

I would also find it hard to admit to what I do to other people – work colleagues, friends or family. This is because I think most people would find it hard to understand what I do. Many, I think would just say it is weird and perverted (maybe, but so what!). But more than that I think most people would find it hard to comprehend and I guess you don’t want to open yourself up to that kind of scrutiny/exposure unnecessarily if you don’t have to. Underpinning that for a male sub are the issues of gender stereotyping that portray males as dominant. Maybe, there is a difference here between being a male and female sub – I think it is perhaps a bit harder for somebody else to understand and that it crosses a boundary that many people would find hard to accept.

I know it’s not perfect and when I reflect on it I know there are a mass of contradictions in what I do. I know I am pulling myself in two directions with an innocent party in the middle but I guess as long as the two worlds don’t collide and I can keep them apart in my own head the servitude is so much a part of me that I don’t think I could break from it.

 

[dashd]

We've had several threads about women--Domme, sub, and switch--and feminism here and how it relates to the female BDSM experience. But off the top of my head, I can't think of any that we've had about the male BDSM experience. It's a topic that's been on my mind a lot lately, so I thought I'd see if anybody else was interested.

In both my job and my personal life, I've encountered a ton of men who, for whatever reason, are seriously closeted over their kinks. It transcends sexual orientation (straight, bi, gay, etc) and BDSM orientation (Dom, switch, sub, etc.). I don't mean that they're the kind of people who live D/s or M/s relationships behind closed doors and don't feel the need to tell others outside their relationships about their lives. I'm talking about the ones who really can't even admit to themselves who and what they are and can't accept what it is they truly need.

Now, before anybody points out that this isn't just a male phenomenon, I realize that. I know there are dozens of threads about accepting oneself as a woman and the influence of feminism and such as that. I'm just singling out men this time because I don't think it's been done before here (though I could obviously be wrong about that).

I talk to men every day who have to hide their submissive or dominant (or both) natures from their wives or girlfriends. I talk to men every day who have ended up divorced or perpetually single because they can't just admit to themselves who they are and what they want. There's also a personal element in this that I may or may not reveal later. I want to see how the thread goes first.

Now, while this obviously spans all racial and socioeconomic barriers, the usual suspect is a white middle- to upper-class male. He is usually at least somewhat affluent and in some kind of position of power. He may have come from money and been groomed to run Daddy's company one day, or he may have pulled himself up by the bootstraps and made his own way. Of course, poor men and minority men and even women of all flavors aren't insulated from this, either. It's just that those are the kinds of people I'm exposed to most in my job. (Poor folks don't usually have the money to call phone sex lines.) The one thing all these people have in common is that they're all kinked in some way, and they're all miserable.

I guess what I want to discuss is the whys and wherefores of it all. Is money and/or social acceptance more important than individual happiness? I know in most circles, any sort of deviation from the norm is ridiculed, and I know men (as well as women) are pressured to conform, no matter what. But why is that so powerful? Why is individual choice not a valid option? Why can't these men even admit to themselves what it is they want? Why do they want to conform so badly that they'll make themselves miserable in the process?

I know it's not just a male thing, or an affluent white male thing, at that. Like I said, I realize that it crosses all sorts of racial/cultural/gender/socioeconomic barriers, so you don't have to convince me of that. I would just like to hear about the specific pressures that society puts on men, in particular, and why those pressures have so much hold over them. I'd rather this not devolve into another discussion of feminism, since we've already got a bunch of those discussions, but I understand that it does have a bearing, in some ways.

Women, feel free to run with this, too. I'm just particularly interested in the special "problems" associated with being a kinky man and the overall male BDSM experience and perhaps some insight into the thought processes of those who aren't as accepting of themselves as we are of ourselves. Thanks.

ETA: I know nobody can speak for the entire "male BDSM experience," either. I'm just looking for some particular insight, not sweeping generalizations, and I'm having a hard time wording it.

Perhaps I fit what you are discussing. I hold 3 bachelor degrees and 2 masters and am well known in my community. My occupations make me the decision maker and authority figure. I have had many fantasies about bi and BDSM but no experience. My wife is plain vanilla. I made the mistake many years ago when I was dating my wife about bi interests and she was totally against. I ahve also made some mention of my BDSM fantasies and though my wife has no interest in making these a reality, she was'nt quite as negative towards this. Have never mentioned bi interests again and of course I won't. If I did at this stage in life, it would likely cost my jobs as well as my marriage.

 

[HarlotMinx]

There are definitely ways to find oneself individualistically that draw on male and female assigned roles, without losing one's manhood or masculinity. There's something very attractive about a man comfortable in his skin this way.

mmmm most definitely. Even more so when they can come to that point early in their life because they grow into the most fascinating men. I'm not sure about the part on feminism though, I think what you say very well could be the case but the problem isn't just men getting defensive about having undue privilege. I've seen way too many feminists who are openly hostile/resentful of men (note, I love the feminism movement and cherish it's accomplishments, I just don't love how all feminists go about feminism).

 

[glockthirty]

My whole life I have been bigger than everyone else around me. It was drilled into my head at an early age that I was so much bigger than anyone else so I had to be careful and avoid conflict with anyone lest it escalate into a physical encounter. So pretty much I spent the first 20 years or so of my life avoiding anything that could lead to physical conflict. It's an unusual feeling to be 6'8"/370 and be trained to avoid verbal and physical conflict to the point of being a doormat your whole life. I can count on one hand the number of times I stood up for myself before I was 18 yo.

My mother also raised me to be very self-sufficient domestically (cooking, cleaning, etc.).

These two things coupled with my upbringing where the only emotion showed by my male examples was anger caused me to have a lot of internal conflict when it came to my role as a man. When my wife and I met she was clear that what she wanted with me was a very traditional 50's style marriage.

The man is the head of the household and primary breadwinner, he handles all of the "manly" things like home maintenance, vehicle maintenance, major purchases, etc., while the wife cooks the meals, cleans the house, cares for the kids, etc.. This scared the crap outta me! Every example of this had failed in some way in my eyes.

Fast forward to a few months ago when my wife voiced a desire to be dominated and the internal conflict was enormous for me at times.

I will elaborate later.

30

 

[Shalrath]

Have never mentioned bi interests again and of course I won't. If I did at this stage in life, it would likely cost my jobs as well as my marriage.

On the other hand, your marriage and jobs are costing you your sexuality...

In reply to the OP: I'm not into BDSM but I've been "gifted" with more than my fair share of kinks. I have no shame or discomfort about them (only about when I'm not engaging in them hehe), but equally I don't talk about them to others in general - I simply don't discuss sex with people except for my current partner or to a lesser degree anonymously online where useful. It's not about fetish stigma, simply a preference to not discuss sex much in public (that applies to things as tame as liking pussy juice as it does to say, fisting).

 

[Myskaninen]

I am a guy and I have seen feminism do so much good but now as I see it its more about giving everyone better and breaking up all genderroles so I look at myself more like an induvidualist ... the rights shouldn't be different for either men nor women we are all people...

but some of my friends know of my dominant sadist tendensies...
but if it came out that I, who outward is a sweet big strong teddybear of a guy who likes to smile and say nice things, likes to hurt girls who gets of on it... the other people around me would be horrified...

well lets say even people in sweden is not so accepting about that yet and we are usually seen as a quite tolerant people...

 

[ihavehope444]

This is an incredibly interesting thread. I do often wonder if acceptance of male dom or sub sexuality will ever be commonplace.

There are very few areas where it seems as though women enjoy a greater degree of flexibility in society--but this would have to be one of them. Men are fairly screwed here. Mainstream condemns either tendency and that sucks.

Dominant men who do what they do to consenting partners should never be made to feel like "ass-hat wifebeaters" as someone said earlier. And submissive men are hardly failures in maintaining their masculinity. Things are certainly better now than they've ever been for everyone who's outside the norm, but most mainstreamers have a long way to go in broadening their definitions of tolerance and acceptance. Unfortunately, we have a long wait ahead of us.

In the meantime, I'd say it's more important than ever to provide open, caring, supportive environments where your kink can thrive.

 

[ZRT]

With me, it was not anything social. I've always been a roamer and an outsider, don't give much of a fuck what people think. What I had to worry about was keeping things in check. So I repressed my dom/sadist urges early on because for fuck's sake, people are so damned fragile both mentally and physically.

Really, it was the internet in my twenties that started opening my eyes to how things could be conducted safely. I had to overcome the instinctive tendency to bottle things up, figure out how to safely outlet, and bammo, it's been pretty much bliss and harmony ever since. Like the most of us, it's not something that I go into with my coworkers (though they know I'm a pretty odd dude and do some wild things) and not with my family, 'cause hey, they ain't gonna get that. But otherwise, I am what I am, and I'm totally cool with it. I love it. It's a damn good thing to be alive and in the game.