'Mixed Marriage' vanilla?/bdsm SO

[Phoenix Stone]

"submitting to the vanilla life" to me has always been a lazy cop out. Submissive does not mean some vague protean lump free of all independent desires, that's completely idiotic.

Well, this is a relief to me! I don't get mistaken for a vague protean lump very often. At least not after I've had my coffee.

Occasionally, it has helped to remind myself to Submit Dammit! It can be easy to take your cover, especially if it's also your habitual stance, and retreat into it. For me it's anger, irritable type. This so doesn't work with Dommish folk, especially not the go-away type. The others -- no problem, lots of fight practice from past life as a miserable child. Fighting I can do, letting go is more of a problem.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Re: mixed marriages

Certainly, i would be prepared to try things not on my list of requirements, but requests from partner, if thats what they like, and im not put off.
But for a partner to 'act' dom/me wouldnt cut it for me, coz id know that it was a act, and that is a proverbial cold water splash.

To respond to your latest post, I'd like to go back to this one. (Sheesh I can't believe I've been so busy that I havent' written here because wanted to respond fully -- when this whole post of yours so speaks to my situation. So far, it sounds like we've got very similar guys.

First thing is, it has to be in his self-interest, right? He has to be getting enough out of it immediately. So, lazy non-sexual domming may not be it for him. He might work harder if you could figure what pushes his dommish buttons. (What kind of chocolate are his chips? whatever metaphor you can stand to use here.) Like that voice-activated sextoy thing. If he likes to watch and I love commands.... Or, another time he grabbed me hard to kiss me, just to shut me up. lol Anyway, I'm still figuring this part out but isn't the answer to wanting someone to not 'act' the dom, figuring out for them if they won't do it for themselves, what domly stuff would appeal to them?

But fun too. But i usually have to suggest things, wait for ages, till a suitable time has elapsed and then my suggestion will be woven into his perspective and delivered his stylie. Tedious at times. But thats his issue i think, never has been much good at doing things he's told to by anyone. Even if its a book!

This is a good sign, don't you think? (And Another place he sounds like my dh.) The challenge is figuring out what pushes his buttons to get started or try it earlier.

Unwilling to read: this is a problem for me. How does a Dom educate himself if he wont read. "why dont you just tell me what you want" is replied with "because then its my idea, i know whats coming and its no good then" any ideas how to escape this particular loop?

Yup, got this one, too. (Only thing he likes to read about is tennis.) And, as you noted above, if I do tell him, as requested, he'll then wait and do it his own way. Which in my case often means he'll do something completely different. Which is a domish thing, though, isn't it? Hmm, I don't have that whole it can't be my idea thing anymore, at least as long as the real feeling is there underneath. It's like getting what you want for your birthday and what you want is a surprise. It's likely to be not what you want then. So do you want the exact thing, or do you want the real sentiment to be there? (I try to remind myself that those guys who seem to be able to read minds probably have nasty personal habits, or affairs, or are Rush Limbaugh fans.)

So the idea is the underlying elements are what matter. Does he understand the fundamentals, which for me at its most basic is control, I guess. Still working on what matters, and am now better at understanding that for him things were fine, so he just feels embarrassed that they weren't for me. For someone who talks so much, I don't let people in in some ways very easily.

Head Fucks: How do you explain this? this is what i want. And females seem so much better at this than males. Ive yet to see anything written about this topic that makes sense to me.
But its like watching a psychological thriller, the more twists and turns, the better i enjoy it. Again, the problem of me suggesting how to give me a headfuck - well it wont work will it!

Yeah me, too! Love Head Fucks. Hard to find much info on them, especially the milder end. Where the person isn't trying to truly hurt you, but rather get you to submit or control you.
I'm trying to figure out how to do this by finding out what sorts of things work for me. He might go for a short simple list, or something. Turns out he does like Mind Control. It's the one thing I've ever seen him read in the Literotica stories. And then he even set up a scene completely on his own. Had me join him in the bath, with the lights off and tried to hypnotize me. Unfortunately, not knowing what he was going to do, I was leaning against the faucet and couldn't get comfortable. We haven't tried it again. He likes novelty more than anything so we probably won't. He does seem to be interested in making me come on command.
G'nite. Hope you got lucky.