More "Medicine"
- Thread starter Rybka
- Start date
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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Smack the Penguin
Here's a game for all you bored poets. Can anybody break 600 feet? 596.5' is my best so far!
Smack the Penguin
Here's a game for all you bored poets. Can anybody break 600 feet? 596.5' is my best so far!
Smack the Penguin
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Dan Quale: The master of muddled thinking
How scary is it that a guy that thinks and speaks like this got as far as he got?
1. Dan Quayle - “One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.”
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2. Dan Quayle - “People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.”
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3. Dan Quayle - “What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." - Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund, 5/9/89 This gem has been added toBartlett's 'Familiar Quotations.'”
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4. Dan Quayle - “We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
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5. Dan Quayle - “Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”
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6. Dan Quayle - “It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
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7. Dan Quayle - “The future will be better tomorrow.”
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8. Dan Quayle - “If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
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9. J. Danforth Quayle - “I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”
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10. J. Danforth Quayle - “Happy campers you have been, happy campers you are, and happy campers you will always be.”
How scary is it that a guy that thinks and speaks like this got as far as he got?
1. Dan Quayle - “One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. Dan Quayle - “People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. Dan Quayle - “What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." - Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund, 5/9/89 This gem has been added toBartlett's 'Familiar Quotations.'”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. Dan Quayle - “We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. Dan Quayle - “Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. Dan Quayle - “It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Dan Quayle - “The future will be better tomorrow.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. Dan Quayle - “If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. J. Danforth Quayle - “I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10. J. Danforth Quayle - “Happy campers you have been, happy campers you are, and happy campers you will always be.”
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
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WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did Too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
********
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own..
6. We childproofed our home, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"Did Too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
********
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own..
6. We childproofed our home, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
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HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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The Blond Cop
A blond police officer pulls over a blond in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blond driver for some I.D.
The blond convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blond police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it". The blond driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough, she sees her picture.
She hands the compact to the blond cop. After a few seconds of looking into the compact, the blond cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blond convertible driver and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."
A blond police officer pulls over a blond in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blond driver for some I.D.
The blond convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blond police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it". The blond driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough, she sees her picture.
She hands the compact to the blond cop. After a few seconds of looking into the compact, the blond cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blond convertible driver and says, "If you had told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about
their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway.
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about
their ass. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married him anyway.
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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The Truth About Dogs
What a New Dog Owner Needs to Know
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture...upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep along side you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.
=====
CONTINUED READING...
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." -Anonymous
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andrew A.Rooney
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M.Facklam
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." -Sigmund Freud
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
-Franklin P. Jones
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein
What a New Dog Owner Needs to Know
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture...upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep along side you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.
=====
CONTINUED READING...
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." -Anonymous
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andrew A.Rooney
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M.Facklam
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." -Sigmund Freud
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
-Franklin P. Jones
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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The Alligator
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal." he says, "I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The Crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man then stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Lit. poetess timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but please don't hit me so hard on the head with the beer bottle!"
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal." he says, "I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The Crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man then stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Lit. poetess timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but please don't hit me so hard on the head with the beer bottle!"
G
Guest
Guest
You two have such fascinating dates.
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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Poetic License
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman poet on a busy boulevard. Suddenly the light turned yellow. Just in front of him was a crosswalk, so he did the right thing - - he stopped at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating poetess hit the roof and the horn. She screamed because she had missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window. She looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, however, a policeman approached the cell door and opened it. He escorted the lady poet back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. As he handed her possessions to her, he said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a bluestreak at him. I noted the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Make Love not War' bumper sticker, the 'Give Peace a Chance' bumper sticker, the 'Poets for Peace' decal, and the chrome-plated peace symbol emblem in the back window."
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman poet on a busy boulevard. Suddenly the light turned yellow. Just in front of him was a crosswalk, so he did the right thing - - he stopped at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating poetess hit the roof and the horn. She screamed because she had missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window. She looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, however, a policeman approached the cell door and opened it. He escorted the lady poet back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. As he handed her possessions to her, he said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a bluestreak at him. I noted the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Make Love not War' bumper sticker, the 'Give Peace a Chance' bumper sticker, the 'Poets for Peace' decal, and the chrome-plated peace symbol emblem in the back window."
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
BooMerengue
Literotica Guru
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Rybka said:
Why did I think of Wicked Eve as soon as I saw that?!?!
My Erotic Tale
Literotica Guru
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Rybka said:
perhaps she got a dose of ... MEDICINE <grin>
I very much enjoyed
the many tales and wit that I have
read from this thread ...(~_~)
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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Poetic Kidnapping
A Lit. poetess, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at an inflated price, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold her for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big free verse note saying in her own style, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground.
Signed, A Literotica poet."
The poetess then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent her home to show it to her parents. The next morning the poetess checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. She looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Lit. poet?"
A Lit. poetess, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at an inflated price, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold her for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big free verse note saying in her own style, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground.
Signed, A Literotica poet."
The poetess then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent her home to show it to her parents. The next morning the poetess checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. She looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Lit. poet?"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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Tongue tied. . .
Art took his knock-down gorgeous blind date, a well-known Lit. poetess, to the carnival. "What would you like to do first?" asked Art.
I want to get weighed." she said. They ambled over to the weight-guesser. He guessed 122 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Art again asked his lovely poetess what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed." she said. Back to the weight-guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Art lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed!" she responded. By this time, Art figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her poet friend Lauren, called and asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Our Lit. poetess responded, "Oh, Wauren, it was wousy!"
Art took his knock-down gorgeous blind date, a well-known Lit. poetess, to the carnival. "What would you like to do first?" asked Art.
I want to get weighed." she said. They ambled over to the weight-guesser. He guessed 122 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Art again asked his lovely poetess what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed." she said. Back to the weight-guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Art lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed!" she responded. By this time, Art figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her poet friend Lauren, called and asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Our Lit. poetess responded, "Oh, Wauren, it was wousy!"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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Lit. Poet One Liners
Did you hear about the Lit. poetess that put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind?
Did you hear that they found another "Heaven Gates" cult member? Yea. . . it was a Lit. poetess and she was under the sink looking for the comet!
Did you hear about the Lit. poetess that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either?
Q: Why can't you tell Lit. poets knock-knock jokes? A: Because they go answer the door.
Q: Why is it a Lit. poets can not have more than a 10 minutes lunch break? A: Because otherwise you have to retrain them.
Q: What do you call a couple of Lit. poetesses in the front seat of a car? A: Air Bags.
Q: Did you hear about the Lit. poet who got a pair of water-skis? A: He's still looking for a lake with a slope.
Q: There were three third graders walking down the street an Asian boy, a black girl, and a Lit. poetess. Which one had the best figure? A: The Lit. poet, she was 18.
Q: What did the Lit. poet call his pet zebra? A: Spot.
Q: How do Lit. poet's brain cells die? A: Alone.
Q: How do you make a one arm Lit. poet fall out of a tree? A: Wave to him!
Q: What do you call Lit. poets in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes!
Q: What did the Lit. poetess say when she found out she was going to have a baby? A: I hope it's mine.
Q: Why did the Lit. poet turn into the ditch? A: He left his blinker on!
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of Lit. poets? A: You knock on the door.
Q: What do you call a Lit. poet with half a brain? A: Gifted.
Q: Did you hear the one about the Lit. poet who had a bumper sticker that said, "ALL POETS AREN'T DUMB?" A: No one could read it because it was put on upside-down.
Q: Why did the Lit. poet climb over the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why can't Lit. poetesses pass their driving tests? A: Because every time the car stops they jump in the back seat.
Q: What did they call the Lit. poet that was found dead in the closet? A: The 1994 'Hide and Go Seek' Champion.
Q: How can you tell when a Lit. poet has been baking chocolate chip cookies? A: There's M&M Shells all over the floor.
Q: Did you hear about the Lit. poet who died drinking milk? A: The cow fell on him!
Q: What do Lit. poets and beer bottles have in common? A: They are both empty from the neck up!
Q: Why does a Lit. poets keep a wire coat hanger in the back seat of their cars? A: In case they lock their keys in.
Q: Did you hear how the Lit. poet Hockey Team drowned? A: Spring Training.
Q: What do you call a Lit. poet in a business suit, sitting on a tree, holding a briefcase? A: A branch manager.
Q: Why did the Lit. poet snort Sweet-n-Low? A: He thought it was Diet Coke.
Q: What does a Lit. poet say after four years of college? A: "Would you like fries with that?"
Q: What was the last thing a Lit. poet heard before dying of old age? A: "Today children, we will learn the difference between its and it's. . ."
Q: What do you call a Lit. poet with a leather jacket? A: A rebel without a clue.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Lit. poetess with a postal worker? A: A floozy with an Uzi.
Q: Why did the Lit. poetess wear high-heel shoes? A: She was once told by her mother to never sell herself short.
Q: What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go? A: A Lit. poet at a flashing red light.
Q: What happened to the Lit. poet Tap Dancer? A: She fell in the sink.
Q: What's the difference between a smart Lit. poet and bigfoot? A: Maybe someday, we'll find bigfoot.
Q: How do you confuse Lit. poets? A: Put them in a round room, and tell them to sit in a corner.
Q: What did the Lit. Poetess say when her boyfriend blew in her ear? A: Thanks for the refill, honey.
Q: Why don't Lit. poets ever eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their heads out the jar!
Q: What do you call a bunch of Lit. poets standing ear to ear with a hose at the end? A: An air compressor.
Q: What do you call a line of Lit. poets standing ear to ear. A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why do Lit. poets leave empty milk cartons in the fridge? A: In case someone wants black coffee.
Q: Why are Lit. poet jokes so stupid? A: So Lit. prose writers can get them!
Q: What do you call a Lit. poet in an institute for higher learning? A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call an eternity? A: Four Lit. poets in four cars at a four way stop.
Q: Why do Lit. poets have TGIF written on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First.
Q: What do competent Lit. poets and UFO's have in common? A: You always hear about them but never see them.
Q: What did the Lit. poetess say when she opened the box of Cheerios? A: Oh look, Daddy... Doughnut seeds.
Q: Why do Lit. poets always smile during lightning storms? A: They think their picture is being taken.
Q: How can you tell when a Lit. poet sends you a fax? A: It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why can't Lit. poets dial 911? A: They can't find the 11 on the phone!
Q: Why shouldn't Lit. poets have coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why does it take longer to build a Lit. poet snowman as opposed to a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head.
Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Lit. poet's eye? A: Shine a flashlight in his ear.
Q: Hear about the Lit. poet that got an AM radio? A: It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.
Q: What did the Lit. poet say when he saw the sign in front of the YMCA? A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Q: How do you make a Lit. poet laugh on Saturday? A: Tell the joke on Wednesday.
Q: How can you tell if a Lit. poet has been on the computer? A: There is Whiteout on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if the poet has been on again? A: Cheese has been left cheese for the mouse.
and finally. . .
Q: Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch? A: A man who told one too many Lit. poet jokes.
Did you hear about the Lit. poetess that put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind?
Did you hear that they found another "Heaven Gates" cult member? Yea. . . it was a Lit. poetess and she was under the sink looking for the comet!
Did you hear about the Lit. poetess that threw away her weight loss video because she noticed that the people on the video were not losing weight either?
Q: Why can't you tell Lit. poets knock-knock jokes? A: Because they go answer the door.
Q: Why is it a Lit. poets can not have more than a 10 minutes lunch break? A: Because otherwise you have to retrain them.
Q: What do you call a couple of Lit. poetesses in the front seat of a car? A: Air Bags.
Q: Did you hear about the Lit. poet who got a pair of water-skis? A: He's still looking for a lake with a slope.
Q: There were three third graders walking down the street an Asian boy, a black girl, and a Lit. poetess. Which one had the best figure? A: The Lit. poet, she was 18.
Q: What did the Lit. poet call his pet zebra? A: Spot.
Q: How do Lit. poet's brain cells die? A: Alone.
Q: How do you make a one arm Lit. poet fall out of a tree? A: Wave to him!
Q: What do you call Lit. poets in a freezer? A: Frosted Flakes!
Q: What did the Lit. poetess say when she found out she was going to have a baby? A: I hope it's mine.
Q: Why did the Lit. poet turn into the ditch? A: He left his blinker on!
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of Lit. poets? A: You knock on the door.
Q: What do you call a Lit. poet with half a brain? A: Gifted.
Q: Did you hear the one about the Lit. poet who had a bumper sticker that said, "ALL POETS AREN'T DUMB?" A: No one could read it because it was put on upside-down.
Q: Why did the Lit. poet climb over the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why can't Lit. poetesses pass their driving tests? A: Because every time the car stops they jump in the back seat.
Q: What did they call the Lit. poet that was found dead in the closet? A: The 1994 'Hide and Go Seek' Champion.
Q: How can you tell when a Lit. poet has been baking chocolate chip cookies? A: There's M&M Shells all over the floor.
Q: Did you hear about the Lit. poet who died drinking milk? A: The cow fell on him!
Q: What do Lit. poets and beer bottles have in common? A: They are both empty from the neck up!
Q: Why does a Lit. poets keep a wire coat hanger in the back seat of their cars? A: In case they lock their keys in.
Q: Did you hear how the Lit. poet Hockey Team drowned? A: Spring Training.
Q: What do you call a Lit. poet in a business suit, sitting on a tree, holding a briefcase? A: A branch manager.
Q: Why did the Lit. poet snort Sweet-n-Low? A: He thought it was Diet Coke.
Q: What does a Lit. poet say after four years of college? A: "Would you like fries with that?"
Q: What was the last thing a Lit. poet heard before dying of old age? A: "Today children, we will learn the difference between its and it's. . ."
Q: What do you call a Lit. poet with a leather jacket? A: A rebel without a clue.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Lit. poetess with a postal worker? A: A floozy with an Uzi.
Q: Why did the Lit. poetess wear high-heel shoes? A: She was once told by her mother to never sell herself short.
Q: What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go? A: A Lit. poet at a flashing red light.
Q: What happened to the Lit. poet Tap Dancer? A: She fell in the sink.
Q: What's the difference between a smart Lit. poet and bigfoot? A: Maybe someday, we'll find bigfoot.
Q: How do you confuse Lit. poets? A: Put them in a round room, and tell them to sit in a corner.
Q: What did the Lit. Poetess say when her boyfriend blew in her ear? A: Thanks for the refill, honey.
Q: Why don't Lit. poets ever eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their heads out the jar!
Q: What do you call a bunch of Lit. poets standing ear to ear with a hose at the end? A: An air compressor.
Q: What do you call a line of Lit. poets standing ear to ear. A: A wind tunnel.
Q: Why do Lit. poets leave empty milk cartons in the fridge? A: In case someone wants black coffee.
Q: Why are Lit. poet jokes so stupid? A: So Lit. prose writers can get them!
Q: What do you call a Lit. poet in an institute for higher learning? A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call an eternity? A: Four Lit. poets in four cars at a four way stop.
Q: Why do Lit. poets have TGIF written on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First.
Q: What do competent Lit. poets and UFO's have in common? A: You always hear about them but never see them.
Q: What did the Lit. poetess say when she opened the box of Cheerios? A: Oh look, Daddy... Doughnut seeds.
Q: Why do Lit. poets always smile during lightning storms? A: They think their picture is being taken.
Q: How can you tell when a Lit. poet sends you a fax? A: It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why can't Lit. poets dial 911? A: They can't find the 11 on the phone!
Q: Why shouldn't Lit. poets have coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why does it take longer to build a Lit. poet snowman as opposed to a regular one? A: You have to hollow out the head.
Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Lit. poet's eye? A: Shine a flashlight in his ear.
Q: Hear about the Lit. poet that got an AM radio? A: It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.
Q: What did the Lit. poet say when he saw the sign in front of the YMCA? A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Q: How do you make a Lit. poet laugh on Saturday? A: Tell the joke on Wednesday.
Q: How can you tell if a Lit. poet has been on the computer? A: There is Whiteout on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if the poet has been on again? A: Cheese has been left cheese for the mouse.
and finally. . .
Q: Do you know what is black and blue and found in a ditch? A: A man who told one too many Lit. poet jokes.
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
The Lottery
A Literotica poetess, who shall go unnamed, finds herself in dire trouble. She lost her job and is in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray. . .
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Our poetess again prays. . .
"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. . .
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my job, my house, and now my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and our Lit. poetess is confronted by the voice of God Herself. . .
"How about meeting Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
A Literotica poetess, who shall go unnamed, finds herself in dire trouble. She lost her job and is in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray. . .
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Our poetess again prays. . .
"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays. . .
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my job, my house, and now my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and our Lit. poetess is confronted by the voice of God Herself. . .
"How about meeting Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
So You want to be a Millionaire
A Lit. poetess named Angeline was appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.
Regis: "Angeline, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"
Angeline: "Yes."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it
A) robin,
B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or
D) thrush."
Angeline: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Eve."
Wicked Eve (also a poetess) answers the phone: "Hello?"
Regis: "Hello Eve, it's Regis Philbin from "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". I have your friend Angeline here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question.
Angeline: "Eve, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it
A) robin,
B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or
D) thrush."
Eve: "Oh geez, Angeline. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
Angeline: "Are you sure?"
Eve: "I'm sure."
Regis: "Angeline, you heard Eve. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"
Angeline: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Angeline: "Yes."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Angeline: "Yes; I think Eve's pretty smart."
Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"
To celebrate, Angeline flew Wicked Eve to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Angeline looks at the Wicked One and asked her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
Wicked Eve replied, "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."
A Lit. poetess named Angeline was appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.
Regis: "Angeline, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"
Angeline: "Yes."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it
A) robin,
B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or
D) thrush."
Angeline: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Eve."
Wicked Eve (also a poetess) answers the phone: "Hello?"
Regis: "Hello Eve, it's Regis Philbin from "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". I have your friend Angeline here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question.
Angeline: "Eve, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it
A) robin,
B) sparrow,
C) cuckoo, or
D) thrush."
Eve: "Oh geez, Angeline. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
Angeline: "Are you sure?"
Eve: "I'm sure."
Regis: "Angeline, you heard Eve. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"
Angeline: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Angeline: "Yes."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Angeline: "Yes; I think Eve's pretty smart."
Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"
To celebrate, Angeline flew Wicked Eve to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Angeline looks at the Wicked One and asked her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
Wicked Eve replied, "That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
Earless in Gaza
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby; unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
"He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes," the mother replied , "we are so thankful; the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great," said Little Johnny, "Cuz he'd be shit outta luck if he needed glasses!"
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby; unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
"He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes," the mother replied , "we are so thankful; the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great," said Little Johnny, "Cuz he'd be shit outta luck if he needed glasses!"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
The Thermos
A Lit. poetess was shopping at Wal-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to a clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. . . It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the poetess, "That's amazing. I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who was also a poet, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked her.
"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." she replied.
"Wow, that's amazing!" said the boss. "What do you have in it?"
"Two popsicles and some coffee."
A Lit. poetess was shopping at Wal-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to a clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. . . It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the poetess, "That's amazing. I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who was also a poet, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked her.
"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." she replied.
"Wow, that's amazing!" said the boss. "What do you have in it?"
"Two popsicles and some coffee."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
- 2,449
The Old Poet
An old poet was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down.He had spiked hair in all
different colors: green,red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The eldery writer just stared.
Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.
The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never
done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old poet replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. . . I was wondering if you were my son."
An old poet was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down.He had spiked hair in all
different colors: green,red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The eldery writer just stared.
Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.
The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never
done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old poet replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. . . I was wondering if you were my son."
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G
Guest
Guest
I think you should start naming names - none of this anonymous stuff. My guess Tath is the old guy in the mall.
