More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

Getting to know you. . .

A Texas poet meets a beautiful poetess in San Antonio and decides he wants to marry her right away. She tells him they don't know anything about each other. He tells her that it's fine. . . they can learn about each other as they go along.

She consents, they marry, and then leave for their honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning as they are sunning by the pool, he gets up from his towel. He climbs the 10 meter board and fluidly performs a two and a half tuck gainer followed by three rotations in a jackknife position, then straightens out and cuts the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he comes back and eases back on his towel. Very excited, she says, "That was incredible!"

I used to be a diving champion in school," he says. "You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

Then his new wife gets up, jumps in the pool, and starts doing laps. After about fifty laps, she climbs back out and lays down on her towel, hardly out of breath. Very excited, he says, "That was incredible! Were you an endurance swimmer in school?"

"No," she answers. "I was a hooker in Laredo, and I worked both sides of the river."

 

[Rybka]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

A Lit. poet went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of west Texas. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather. . . "are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those
plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your
meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch,
he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that
looked like dried egg yokes. . . so he ask again, "Are you sure these
plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you
before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask
me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.
As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let
him pass so he said, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV
his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"

 

[Rybka]

The Irish Poet

A Scots writer, an English author, and an Irish poet were sitting in a pub. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's O'Rourke's . Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

 

[Rybka]

Questions from the Dog, to God.

TO GOD - FROM THE DOG:

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember - to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.. neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last question . . .

Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

 

[Rybka]

Poetic Love

The city Zoo acquired a rare female gorilla. After a few months she suddenly became very cantankerous and hard to handle.

The zoo administrator called in a veterinarian to check her out and see if the problem could be determined. After the examination the vet told the zoo administrator that the gorilla was in heat. The problem was that they did not have a male gorilla. The vet said he knew an old Literotica poet out in the rual country that had what it would take to satisfy the gorilla and calm her down. The zoo administrator contacted him and after some discussion, asked the guy if he would have sex with the gorilla for $500. The Lit. poet told them he would think about and let him know. A couple of days later the zoo administrator got a letter from the guy. He said he would have sex with the gorilla, however, there were four things the zoo must agree to:

1. They had to agree that he did not have to kiss the gorilla on the lips. . . They agreed.
2. They had to agree that they would never tell a soul. . . They agreed.
3. They had to agree that if there was an offspring, it would be raised Catholic. . . They agreed.
and
4. . . . They had to agree to give him a few days to raise the $500.

 

[Rybka]

The Divorced poet

This poet couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the woman looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The man asks "I notice you've been watching that guy for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him several years ago."

"That's remarkable" the man replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

 

[Rybka]

Angeline walks into a bar. . .

Angeline walks into a bar and sits down next to Tathagata. She sees the poet drinking a beer and on the bar is a 1 foot tall guy playing jazz on a piano. Angeline says to Tath, "That is so cool. Where did you get him?"

The Lit. poet says, "From this magic lamp."

"Cool, can I make a wish?"

"sure." the poet says dejectedly.

"a million bucks. . . a million bucks. . . I want a million bucks!" Angeline chants as she rubs the lamp.

All of a sudden, a million ducks walk into the bar.
"Hey, this thing is broken. I asked for a million bucks!" She shouts.

"I know, you think I wanted a 12 inch pianist?"

 

[Rybka]

Ice-Fishing

A Lit. poetess (currently living in Maine) wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water. After positioning her comfy foot-stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

Startled, the Lit. poetess moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

The Lit. poetess, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Who are you. . . God?"

The voice replied, "NO, I OWN THE SKATING-RINK!"

 

[Rybka]

A Blonde Dog Story

As a butcher is shooing a yellow lab from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in her mouth. The note reads: "My name is Lucy. I want $10 worth of lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches her wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, she walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile she stands on her back paws to pull the "stop" cord, then the butcher follows her off. The dog runs up to a house that has a mailbox reading "RYBKA" and drops her bag on the stoop. She goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws herself - Whap! - against the door. She does this again and again. No answer. So she jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, scratches her paw against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big old guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy, "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

Rybka, the owner responds, "Genius, my ass! It's the second time this week she's forgotten her key!"

 

[Rybka]

The Published Poet

A published poet goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She then pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a published poet, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a Literotica poet."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

 

[Rybka]

How Wicked Eve got rear ended!

A Lit. poet had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the Lit. poet chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" Eve began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was. . ,"
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

 

[Rybka]

Painting the Porch

A Lit. poet, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The Lit. poet quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb Lit. poet' jokes we've been getting from Rybka lately."

A short time later, the Lit. poet came to the door to collect her money.

You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the Lit. poet replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats!" Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

And by the way," the Lit. poet added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

[Rybka]

Guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins watching the news. Everyone is watching with rapt attention since the camera shows a man on a building ledge about 30 stories up about to jump. The police are frantically trying to talk him down.

The guy says to the female Lit. poet barkeep, "I bet he jumps."

She says, "NO, I don't believe he will."

Guy, peeling off a $20 bill, lays it on the counter, says "OK, cover that!"
She immediately does so with her $20 bill.

In about 1 minute, the guy on the ledge does a swan dive into eternity. The guy at the bar, picking up the money says, "I feel bad about taking your money because I saw the news at 5:00 PM and knew he would jump."

The Lit. poet said, "Yes, I saw that too but I didn't think he would do it again!"

 

[Rybka]

Poet vs Author

A Lit. poet found herself sitting next to a Lit. author on an airplane. The author just kept bugging the Lit. poet wanting her to play a game of intelligence, while she just wanted to read and contemplate on her book of haiku Finally, the author offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the Lit. poet could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The author figured he could not lose, and the Lit. poet reluctantly accepted.

The Lit. author first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the Lit. poet handed him $5. then the Lit. poet asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the author looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, just as they were landing, he gave up and paid the Lit. poet $50.00

The Lit. poet put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the Lit. author insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the Lit. poet handed him $5.

 

[Rybka]

'nanas

Lauren and Charlie were on their very first train ride out west. They had brought along bananas for lunch.

Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Lauren asked excitedly.

"No." replied Charlie.
"Well, don't touch it then," Lauren exclaimed. "I just took one bite and went blind!"

 

[Rybka]

A Bottle Of Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:

Xtaabay was driving home from one of her anthropology field trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Xtaabay tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Xtaabay.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Xtaabay looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with
the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

 

[Rybka]

Two Lit. Moderators

There were two Lit. moderators and they had just come from a discount store. Angeline, who owned the convertible had locked her keys in the car. Her friend, Wicked Eve, was trying to pick the lock.

When Eve stopped to rest for a second and sat down, Angeline said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

 

[Rybka]

The Irish Poet

"I've Lost Me Luggage"


An Irish poet arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

************************************************** ***

"Water to Wine"


An Irish poet is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the poet's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the poet.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The poet looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

[Rybka]

Before It Starts

A poet came home from a hard day of writing, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife. "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts!" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The poet sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."

 

[Rybka]

A Lit. poet, who shall remain nameless, did like he always does, kissing his better half, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the heck are you doing in my bedroom?. . . and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom." the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young." said our nameless poet. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy." said St.Peter. "You can only return as a snail or a hen. The choice is your own."

He thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a snail is too slimy, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen." The Lit. poet replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about." he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode!"

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" The Lit. poet asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

So he clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop'
an egg was on the ground.

"Wow!" our versifying friend said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he felt a shaking and heard his bedmate shout:

"Wake up, for Christ's sake! ! You're shiting all over the bed!

 

[Rybka]

Norwegian Fire Fighters

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a super-human feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Olson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat fockin truck!"

 

[Rybka]

Saint Patrick's Day Riddle

Q. - What's Irish and sits outside all summer?






>






>





> scroll down





>





> keep going





>





> here it comes!





>




A. - Paddy O'Furniture.

​

 

[Rybka]

Martha's Way & The Lit. Way

*Martha's Way*

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.




*The Lit. Way*

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!


To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.


Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix, keep it in the pantry for up to a year.


When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.


Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.


If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."


If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"


Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Celery? Never heard of it!
​

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.


The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.


Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.


Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!


If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.


Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.


Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Leftover wine???????????

HELLO !!!!!!!
​

 

[Rybka]

"Sweet Jesus, help me!"

A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it.

Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister," he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "Say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me!'"

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped.

He started to say "Son of. . . " but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me!" At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.

The eldest nun looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

 

[Rybka]

New Scam

I get tired of all those forwarded warnings as much as anyone, but this one
is important! I hope I'm not too late....Send this warning to everyone on
your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on
deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to shake
off the ticks, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now. . .