More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

The Purpose of Things

Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?".

"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

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Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.

 

[Rybka]

Living In 2003

You know you're living in 2003 when.....


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your friend who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for six different managers.

10. You learn about your lay-off on the 10 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long- service awards.

And the real clinchers are...

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".

15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no Number 9.

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9.
(Bet you all did this one!?!?!?)

 

[Rybka]

Ma and Pa

Ma and Pa got married at an early age. In their golden years they would sit on the front porch swing and rock back and forth.
One day as they were on the porch swing, the old woman reached over and smacked the old man on the back of the head so hard, that he fell out of the swing. "What the heck was that for?" asked the old man. "For 50 years of bad sex!" replied the old woman.

The old man sat down on the porch swing again, rubbing his head. After a few minutes, Pa reaches over and smacks Ma off the porch swing. She looked up at Pa and asked " What the heck was that for?" Pa looked at her and said "Thats for knowing the dang difference!"

 

[Rybka]

Real Man Test

Note: Although this is test for men only and all "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.



1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Patriots called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "You got three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is sneakily trying to discard his underwear.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He refused to ask for directions.
C. He always liked camping and there was a lot of game to kill in the desert.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

 

[Rybka]

How many. . .

How many message board posters does it take to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

11 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

9 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

3 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

12 to flame the spell checkers.

4 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

16 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".

4 to condemn those 16 as anal-retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

10 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

5 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

41 to ask what is a "FAQ".

6 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

***

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

 

[perks]

ohhhh this is great!

 

[Rybka]

TO BE SIX AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day.
"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.

On the morning of Mother's Day, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it Wrong. . .

 

[Maria2394]

The Smurfs Lost Episode

smurfs lost episodeXXX

this is so sick/funny/weird..I wonder where people come up with this type thing...

 

[Rybka]

California Math

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?




Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?



Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C” as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?



Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.



Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down their homes?
There are no wrong answers.



Teaching Math in 2002:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?



Teaching Math in 2010:

El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es. . .

 

[Senna Jawa]

Improantt!

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe and the biran fguiers it out aynawy!

Ncik

 

[champagne1982]

Re: Improantt!

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe and the biran fguiers it out aynawy!

Ncik

How lnog did it tkae you to wirte taht psot? Sehseh tihs is hrad to tpye out.

 

[Maria2394]

Re: Re: Improantt!

How lnog did it tkae you to wirte taht psot? Sehseh tihs is hrad to tpye out.

vrey ture, but he is rghit...and its a good exreicse for the barin

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Re: Improantt!

How lnog did it tkae you to wirte taht psot? Sehseh tihs is hrad to tpye out.

Ask Nick. All I did was cut & ptsae.

 

[Rybka]

The Dinner Party

Wicked Eve prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving for her fellow poets. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised the Wicked one to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and smithpeter volunteered to answer it. Eve's face dropped as the poet called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

 

[Rybka]

Management Training

An Indian walks into a Houston bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day."

 

[Rybka]

Politics and Hot Air

Another from my Texas Friends.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you have no idea where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault!

 

[Rybka]

Celibacy

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Charlie and his wife listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men,
"For instance, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Charlie leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?


And thus began Charlie's life of celibacy.

 

[Rybka]

The Pond

An elderly poet had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old poet decided to go down to the pond since he hadn't been there for a while, look it over, and enjoy the peace and serenity he so desired. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women poets skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the young lady poets aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women (named Judo) shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The elderly poet calmly replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time

 

[Rybka]

Kids These Days

The following questions and answers were collected from SAT tests given in 2000 to 16 year old students. One of them may be the President someday.

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.


Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.



Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.



Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an
election.



Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.



Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.



Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery.



Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.



Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.



Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the
borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.



Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.



Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.



Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.



Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.



Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.



Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport.

 

[Rybka]

IDIOTS

IDIOTS IN SERVICE

This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working.

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.


IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: cars were hitting too many deer and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.


IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

I went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. I asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.


IDIOT SIGHTING #1:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."


IDIOT SIGHTING #2:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a co-worker when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"


IDIOT SIGHTING #3:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.


IDIOT SIGHTING #4:

I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.


IDIOT SIGHTING #5:

When I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up my car, I was told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

 

[Rybka]

Health Insurance

Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies.

A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their
medical gowns while they wait for the doctor.

A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under
one man's gown and begins to masturbate him.

Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?"
To which she replies,
We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes
and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The second man watches all of this and by the time
the nurse turns to him he is quite ready for his turn.
To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips
and begins to give him a blow job.

The first man says, "Hey, what is this? Why is it
that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse says, "That, sir, is the difference
between Government Health Care and Private Insurance."

 

[Rybka]

A Story for Xtaabay

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they took the Astronauts to a Navajo Reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.

The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA People: “What are these guys in the big suits doing?” One of the Astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment to the Navajo elder, the elder got all excited, and asked if it would be possible to give to the Astronauts a message to deliver to the Moon?

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA Official accompanying the Astronauts said, “Why certainly!” and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder’s comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA Official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo Village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but refused to translate the elder’s message to the Moon.

Finally, an Official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
“Watch out for these assholes! They have come to steal your land!!!”

 

[Rybka]

Divorce and the Holidays

A man in Houston calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?!" the son wails.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer." the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Houston immediately and yells at her father, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

 

[Rybka]

What's in a Job?

 

[Rybka]

Two Middle Eastern terrorists are chatting.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr."
"Here's my second son. He's a martyr too."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second terrorist wistfully says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"