More "Medicine"

[The_Fool]

Two Middle Eastern terrorists are chatting.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures.
"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr."
"Here's my second son. He's a martyr too."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second terrorist wistfully says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Jokes like this just kill me....They just blow me away....

 

[Rybka]

Three Wise Women

WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THREE WISE WOMEN HAD GONE TO BETHLEHEM INSTEAD OF THREE WISE MEN????

They would have asked directions.
Arrived on time.
Helped deliver the baby.
Hired someone to clean the stable.
Made a brisket.
And brought practical gifts.


AND WHAT WOULD THEY HAVE SAID TO EACH OTHER AFTER THEY LEFT?

"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that shmatta?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin? I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe they let all of those disgusting animals in there?"
"I heard that Joseph doesn't have a job."
"And that donkey they are riding has seen better days!"
"We'll just see how long it will take to get your brisket dish back."

 

[Rybka]

Dazzle Them

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.

He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard.

I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says:

"Where's that stupid monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLSHIT!

 

[Angeline]

Whoever wrote this must have been hiding in the closet at my cousin's bar mitzvah.


Subject: Hebonics

The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a second language. Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.


According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question-plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be,

> > > with my feet?'"


Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning:


"Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"


Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."



Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as
'He's slow as a turtle,'

could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."


Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On Hebonics.



Question: "What time is it?"

English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."

Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"



Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."

English response: "Thanks."

Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"



Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."

English response: "Be right there."

Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming.

What's with the 'hurry'? Is there a fire?"



Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."

English response: "Glad you like it."

Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?



Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."

English response: "Congratulations!"

Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."



To guest of honor at his birthday party:

English remark: "Happy birthday."

Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."


Remark: "A beautiful day."

English response: "Sure is."

Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"



Answering a phone call from son:

English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."

Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?

 

[Rybka]

Are You Truly Blonde??

Click here:

Greatest blonde joke ever!

 

[Maria2394]

~~~~ and SOME men wonder why some women are bitches...that was mean mean mean, and nope, I am not a blond, ( lets hear it For straight from the bottle RED heads!!!!) I just have faith in the kindness of mankind.. hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe...oh wait, that IS a joke, man+ kind =oxymoron!!! love ya Rybka


oh well, I cant lie, its strawberry blonde

 

[Rybka]

"A Dog's Diary"

5:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake!

I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why.

7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion.

This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet. It's not easy being a dog.

1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.

2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion. I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing.

6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?

9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home. Ah, the life of a dog.

 

[Rybka]

Windows 2000 - Mississippi Edition:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2000 Mississippi EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of Mississippi.



If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands.

The Mississippi EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2000, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:


The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse";
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption";
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys";
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard";
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive";
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs";
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up!



CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN Mississippi EDITION:

Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back.............back yonder
Help...hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start...........crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs..... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... stuff ah done did

Also note that theMississippi EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2000:

Tiperiter..................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper...................notepad
Inner-net....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers...........a graphics viewer




We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the MISSISSIPPI EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.




I hope this helps all y'all!

Billy Bob Gates

 

[Rybka]

Life $aving

A man walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and father starts, panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney."

 

[Rybka]

The Frog

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whak.

"Miss Whak, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

She explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.


The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"




(you're gonna love this)





(its a real treat)





( a masterpiece)





(wait for it)





The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whak. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?)

 

[Rybka]

Jewish Women

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position??
A: Facing Bloomingdales.

7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

8. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife??
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother. ! I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

14. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

15. Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details follow."

 

[Rybka]

Signs

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your Plumber."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We just want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let u s remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Used Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************

 

[Rybka]

A Dog's View

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." --Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul-chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." --Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." --Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." --Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." --Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." --Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." --Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." --Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." --Holbrook Jackson
"
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." --Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." --Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." --Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." --Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." --John Steinbeck

 

[Rybka]

Bathroom Drunk

A drunken Darkmaas gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why Darkmaas is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs our drunken poet, "and every time I try to flush, something reaches up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,

"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

[Rybka]

GLOBALIZATION - International Thinking At Its Best!

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer:

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization.

 

[Guest]

*laughing* Isn't medicine supposed to be hard to swallow?

 

[Lauren Hynde]

My monitor is Finnish.

 

[Rybka]

The Lit. Poetess

The owner of a tavern was confused about paying an invoice. He decided to ask a Lit. poetess in the bar for some mathematical help. He called her over and said, "You are intelligent enough to write erotic poetry, and I need some help. If I were to give you two hundred dollars minus 14 percent, how much would you take off?"

The Lit. poetess thought for a moment and replied, "Everything but my earrings."

 

[Rybka]

Light Bulbs

How Many Christians Does It Take To Change a Light Bulb?



Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What is a light bulb?

 

[Rybka]

The Plan

In the beginning was the plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was on the face of the workers.

And they spoke amongst themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, " It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying," It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may withstand its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another," It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And then the Directors went unto the Vice-Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice-Presidents went unto the President, saying unto Him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, and will have powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how Shit Happens!

 

[Rybka]

Punny Business

1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says, "Sorry, sir. Only one carrion per passenger."

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.He replies, "They're twins, for Pete sake.
If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal."

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ....what? (This is so bad it's good...)--a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[Rybka]

E-mail from a Certain Poetess

"Last year I replaced several windows in my house
and they were the expensive double-pane energy
efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the
contractor complaining that his work has been
completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go 'round. Just because I am
female doesn't mean that I'm automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him, just what his fast talking
sales guy had told me last year. . . that "in one year
the windows would pay for themselves".

. . .

There was silence on the other end of the line. . .
so I just hung up and I haven't heard back.

Guess I must have won that silly argument!"

 

[Rybka]

Sex Drive - The Gender Difference

The difference between men and women.

 

[Rybka]

HOME REMEDIES AND RULES OF LIFE

HOME REMEDIES AND RULES OF LIFE

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic!
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them
while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes thus,
reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going
back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of
life really are...

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40; if it
shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

The five (5) most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are:
1. "I apologize," and "You are right."
2. Remember; Everyone seems normal until you get
to know them!
3. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty...
4. If you woke up breathing, Congratulations!
You get another chance.
5. And finally, be nice to your family and
friends, you never know when you might need
them to empty your bedpan!

 

[Guest]

Re: HOME REMEDIES AND RULES OF LIFE

HOME REMEDIES AND RULES OF LIFE

Funny! Thanks Rybka.

I was sent this weeks ago.....hope it isn't already posted.

A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.

One child wrote the following:


We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.

Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot-luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.

When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.