More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

 

[Rybka]

A White haired Poet. . .

A white haired, old poet walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady poet on his arm. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend.” he said.

The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand. I want something very unique.” the poet said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girl’s eyes sparkled, and the poet said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?”

"I'll pay by check, but of course you would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday".

Monday morning a very pissed jeweler phones the man. "You sorry rascal, you lied! There's no money in that account."

“I know.” replied the old poet, “But think of the weekend I had!”

 

[Rybka]

Two Irishmen were strolling down Oxford Street in London

Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are. Suits ?10.00, Shirts ?4.00, Trousers ?5.00, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin, so we would."

Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't."

"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."

So the two go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Warren Mitchell impression; "Alwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind, I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles and says to Paddy, "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that ain't me best English accent? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"

The owner replied, "Because this is a Dry Cleaners!"

 

[Rybka]

The Limo Driver

During a stateside visit, one day after getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth." says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."


"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you." says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to over 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license." moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief." he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going over 105.

"So bust him." said the Chief

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important." said the cop.

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important." said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver."

 

[Rybka]

Lost

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in
journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to
write a human interest story.

Being from Arkansas, he decided to go into the back country to do his
research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills,
introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he
was there.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made
you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all fucked it and then took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people
happy?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's
wife, a good looking woman, got lost. We formed a big posse that time
and found her. After we had all fucked her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said, "I can't print that either. OK then, how
about this? Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed. After a few
seconds, he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost
once."

 

[Rybka]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A Lit poetess walked into the kitchen to find her significant other stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"



He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[Rybka]

The Mammogram

I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice. . . it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off! "What?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy. The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes, I did, thanks."

"You bet, take care!" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I’d been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps. . .

 

[Rybka]

Smart woman

It's a wife's job to listen to her husband.

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife.

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket; the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her; she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie.

I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

 

[The Poets]

bumping

 

[Rybka]

Jewish Humor

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes.

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

8. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten?
"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call me."

9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner

11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

14. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

15. Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

16. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

 

[Rybka]

Smart Man

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the
house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,
"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home
after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the
hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."


Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants
off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover = $100.00.
Broken furniture = $200.00.
Breakfast = $10.00.
Saying the right thing = priceless.

 

[Rybka]

Irish Brothers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar
and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw
it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is
in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When
we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in
turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on
your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great
loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in
his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've
just quit drinking."

 

[Rybka]

Chicken Soup For The Beer Drinker

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry


BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 BC

 

[Rybka]

"Our mistress"

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw!" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that." replies her husband, But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress." says her husband.

The wife replies, "Ours is prettier."

 

[Rybka]

Life

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years"

The cow said, "That's a pretty tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed.

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. The dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again (sigh).

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty.

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."


And that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.


Life has now been explained. . .

 

[Rybka]

New Pope Joke

Karl Rahner, Hans Kung and Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger (Pope Benedict XVI) all die on the same day, and go to meet St. Peter to know their fate.

St. Peter approaches the three of them, and tells them that he will interview each of them to discuss their views on various issues.

He then points at Rahner and says "Karl! In my office. . . " After 4 hours, the door opens, and Rahner comes stumbling out of St. Peter's office. He is highly distraught, and is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry. . . never knew. . . " He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

St. Peter follows him out, and sticks his finger in Kung's direction and "Hans! You're next. . . " After 8 hours, the door opens, and Kung comes out, barely able to stand. He is near collapse with weakness and a crushed spirit. He , too, is mumbling things like "Oh God, that was the hardest thing I've ever done! How could I have been so wrong! So sorry. . . never knew. . . " He stumbles off into Heaven, a testament to the mercy of Our God.

Lastly, St. Peter, emerging from his office, says to Pope Benedict , "Joseph, your turn." TWELVE HOURS LATER, St. Peter stumbles out the door, apparently exhausted, saying "Oh God, that's the hardest thing I've ever done. . . So sorry. . . never knew. . ."

 

[My Erotic Tale]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the
house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,
"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home
after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the
hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."


Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants
off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover = $100.00.
Broken furniture = $200.00.
Breakfast = $10.00.
Saying the right thing = priceless.

priceless....


what was god thinking
when he made a beatle
I would really like to know
this simple little riddle

after only a few steps
the beatle falls over
caught on its back
can't get back turned over

I feel it's a test
that god does bestow
to see who even
looks that low

Who will help this creature
back on its path
turned back around
and away in the grass

and who will not see
this creatures struggle
walking and squash
a gooey bug puddle

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I always enjoy coming here for a good laugh
I just don't always bring something with me <grin>
oh yea! it's a 'New Poem' <laughing>

bows (~_~)

 

[Rybka]

Jewish Mother-in-Laws

A Jewish young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The Jewish mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?

The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."

 

[Rybka]

Wee Wee

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood. . . big, stately residences. . . no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, has to go, after all that Guinness. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes." said the Bobbie. . . "Just follow me". He leads him to a back ‘delivery alley’, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there." points the Bobbie. "Whiz away. . . Anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you. . . is that "British Hospitality?”

No." replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, “That is the French Embassy."

 

[My Erotic Tale]

kyo said to one of his monks, "Can you get hold of Emptiness?"
"I'll try," said the monk, and he cupped his hands in the air.
"That's not very good," said Sekkyo. "You haven't got anything in there!"
"Well, master," said the monk, "please show me a better way."
Thereupon Sekkyo seized the monk's nose and gave it a great yank.
"Ouch!" yelled the monk. "You hurt me!"
"That's the way to get hold of Emptiness!" said Sekkyo.


(the serious side, grasping water is like grasping emptiness!
............you can feel it but you just cant' grasp it)

 

[Rybka]

European communications

With the New German Pope’s blessing the European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but komputers kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" wiz z" and "w" viz v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

 

[Rybka]

In view of recent societal events. . .

MY LIVING WILL
by PAUL RUDNICK
Issue of 04-25-2005
Posted 04-18-2005
1. If I should remain in a persistent vegetative state for more than fifteen years, I would like someone to turn off the TV.

2. If I remain motionless for an extended period and utter only guttural, meaningless sounds, I would like a Guggenheim.

3. If I am unable to recognize or interact with friends or family members, I still expect gifts.

4. If I am unable to feed, clean, or dress myself, I would like to be referred to as "Mr. Trump."

5. Do not resuscitate me before noon.

6. If I do not respond to pinches, pinpricks, rubber mallets, or other medical stimuli, please stop laughing.

7. If I no longer respond to loved ones' attempts at communication, ask them about our last car trip.

8. Once I am allowed to die a painless and peaceful death, I would like my organs donated to whoever can catch them.

9. If there is any family dispute over my medical condition, it must be settled with a dreidel.

10. Even if I remain in a persistent vegetative state for more than fifteen years, that still doesn't mean bangs.

11. If my doctor pronounces me brain-dead, I would like to see the new Ashton Kutcher movie.

12. If I remain unconscious during a painful, lingering illness, I would like the following life lessons to be published in a book entitled "Tuesdays with Paul":
i. Treasure every moment.
ii. Love everyone.
iii. If you bought this in hardcover, you're an idiot.

13. I do not wish to be kept alive by any machine that has a "Popcorn” setting.

14. I would like to die at home, surrounded by my attorneys.

15. If my loved ones insist that the cost of my medical care has become an impossible burden, show them a Polaroid of their "beach shack."

16. In lieu of flowers or donations, I would prefer rioting.

17. Assume that, even in a coma, I can still hear discussions about my apartment.

18. If there is any talk of canonizing me, please remember that I have often held the elevator for people who were still getting their mail, that I have twice offered a cab to a woman in a fur coat even though I was totally there first, and that I always waited to make derogatory comments until after the couple with the double stroller was a block away.

19. In the event of an open coffin, I would like smoky evening eyes.

20. At my memorial service, I would like my clergyman to begin his eulogy with the words "I suppose, in a way, we all killed him."

 

[Rybka]

Outsourcing

"Congress today announced that the Office of President of the United
States will be outsourced to overseas as of June 30th, the end of this
fiscal year. The move is being made to save $400K a year in salary, a
record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead.

"The cost savings will be quite significant," says Congressman Adam
Smith (D Wash) who, with the aid of Congress research arm, the General
Accounting Office has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively.
"We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain
competitive in the world stage." Congressman Smith said.

Exporting American jobs has been a popular trend lately, ironically
at the urging of President Bush.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his
position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until
his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting period,
he will then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from unemployment
insurance for 13 weeks.

Unfortunately, he will not be able to receive state Medicaid health
insurance coverage as his unemployment benefits are over the required
limit.

"I'm in shock," Mr. Bush stated. "I thought fer sure I'd have some job
security around this here place. I have no idea what I'll do now." he
further lamented.

Preparations have been underway for some time for the job move. Sanji
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming
the Office of President of the United States as of July 1. Mr. Singh
was born in the United States while his parents were here on student
visas, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of
$320 USD a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

Due to the time difference between the US and India, Mr. Singh will be
working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will be open.

"I am excited to serve in this position." Mr. Singh stated in an
exclusive interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at
the American Express call center. I always knew I could be President
someday."

Congress stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be
fully aware of all the issues involved with his new position. A Congressional
Spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script tree to follow
which will allow him to respond to most topics of concern.

The Spokesperson further noted "additional savings will be realized as these
scripting tools have already been used previously by Mr. Bush here in the
US. Such scripts will enable Mr. Singh to provide an answer without having
to fully understand the issue itself."

Mr. Bush has been offered the use of a Congressional Page to help him
write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According
to Manpower, Inc., the placement firm, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in
securing a new position as job prospects in the Sports Franchise
Ownership arena remain quite limited with few openings each year.

In addition, the Air National Guard has a "Not eligible for re-hire"
flag on his personnel file due to attendance issues.

A recently released report from the Pentagon suggests a good
prospect for him as a newly unemployed person may be in the
Army National Guard. There he would be called up with his unit
and stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited briefly before."

 

[Rybka]

Cowboy Boots

Art wanted a brand new pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice Anything different about me?"

Rosie looks him over "Nope."

Frustrated, Art storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked, except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now ?"

Rosie looks up and says, "No Art, what's different? It's hanging down today. It was hanging down yesterday. It'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Art yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, ROSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Rosie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat Art. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[Rybka]

Rim Shot Please!

A man was changing a flat tire outside of a monastery. A monk came out and invited the man inside to have dinner and to spend the night. The stranded motorist gladly accepted the monk's offer.

That evening the man had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef.

Entering the kitchen, the man asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?"

"No," the chef replied, "I'm the chip monk."