More "Medicine"
- Thread starter Rybka
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Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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Philosophy for life
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was. The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then... A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, pulled a can of beer out of his backpack, and poured it into the jar. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. "No matter how full your life is," the student quipped, "there's always room for beer!"
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was. The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then... A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, pulled a can of beer out of his backpack, and poured it into the jar. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. "No matter how full your life is," the student quipped, "there's always room for beer!"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said," I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were really scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes later a big, black Caddy pulled up.
Out stepped two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats.
These pigs came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then one of the big pigs pulled out a gun, stuck it in the wolf's mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins. . . the Guinea Pigs."
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said," I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were really scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes later a big, black Caddy pulled up.
Out stepped two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats.
These pigs came over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him. Then one of the big pigs pulled out a gun, stuck it in the wolf's mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins. . . the Guinea Pigs."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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Coming home late
Two married buddies were out drinking when one turns to the other and says, "You know, every time I come home late I turn the headlights off before I get to the house, I shut the engine off and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go in the house, I sneak upstairs and get undressed in the bathroom, I then put my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent any splashing sounds, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for being out late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "You're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY”. . . and she acts like she's fast asleep every time."
Two married buddies were out drinking when one turns to the other and says, "You know, every time I come home late I turn the headlights off before I get to the house, I shut the engine off and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go in the house, I sneak upstairs and get undressed in the bathroom, I then put my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent any splashing sounds, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for being out late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "You're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY”. . . and she acts like she's fast asleep every time."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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FWIW (for what it's worth)
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)!
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home!!!...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head! off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)!
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing... )
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)!
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home!!!...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head! off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)!
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing... )
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
- Posts
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The Oil Problem
FINALLY, SOMEONE EXPLAINED IT SO THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND IT!
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer...... Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
FINALLY, SOMEONE EXPLAINED IT SO THAT I CAN UNDERSTAND IT!
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer...... Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2002
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- 2,449
Let OLD GUYS ENLIST!
OLD GUYS ENLIST!
If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed
126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old men with attitudes.
OLD GUYS ENLIST!
If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed
126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old men with attitudes.
Zanzibar
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2004
- Posts
- 242
Thought I'd toss in one I found elsewhere...
A magic frog lived by himself in a stream running through the woods. This frog had never seen another living animal before, so he was surprised one day when he saw a bear chasing a rabbit past his stream.
"Stop please!" called the frog to the rabbit and the bear. "Come talk to me!" Puzzled, the rabbit and the bear stop their running and approach the frog. Grumpy that he had been interrupted from his chasing the rabbit, the bear replied "What do you want frog?"
The frog explained, "I am a magic frog who lives in this stream, and the two of you are the only other animals I have ever seen. Since you were kind enough to stop, I shall grant each of you 3 wishes. So tell me, what do you want?"
The bear's attitude changed right then and a big grin formed on his face. "Three wished eh? Well in that case, for my first wish I want you to make all the other bears in these woods besides myself female bears!" the bear smirked as he thought of how wonderful it would be to be the only male with lots of females around.
"Done!" proclaimed the frog. "All the bears in these woods beside yourself are now females."
Turning to the rabbit, the frog asked, "What would you like for your first wish." The rabbit after thinking a moment said, "I want a motorcycle." "Done," said the frog and a motorcycle appeared beside them. The bear looks at the rabbit with a scoff and says, "You dumb rabbit. Of all the things you could wish for you ask for a motorcycle? No wonder you are at the bottom of the food chain!" The rabbit simply shrugged and started examming his new bike.
The frog turned back to the bear. "What is your second wish Bear?" The bear, whose maleness has started to show says, "Why don't you make all the bears over in the next forest all females as well? I don't think there are enough females in just this forest for me, hehe." "Done!" said the frog.
Turning to the rabbit the frog inquires of the rabbit's second wish. The frog thinks for a moment and said "Well you got me this great bike, but it isn't really safe to ride one without a helmet, so for my second wish I want a helmet." "Done!" said the frog, and a helmet that perfectly fit the rabbit appeared strapped to the rabbits head. The rabbit proceeded to climb on to the bike at this point.
The bear once again scoffed at the rabbit. "You stupid rabbit. Did it not occur to you that you could have asked for alot of money for your first wish that you could have bought the bike and helmet with, as well as have alot of money left over? And now you have wasted yet another wish. You stupid idiot!" The rabbit just shrugged.
Turning back to the bear the frog asked him for his third wish. Feeling smug the bear declares, "For my last wish, I wish to be the only male bear in the world, and that all other bears be females!" "Done!" declared the frog. "You are the only male bear in the world, all others are females."
With a look of satisfaction the bear gets a dreamy look in his eyes as he starts to fantasize about how the way things now were with him being the only male bear in the world. Meanwhile, the rabbit has started up his motorcycle and has revved it a couple of times in preparation of riding off.
As the frog turns to the rabbit for the last wish the rabbit rides off, yelling over his shoulder with a smug look on his face, "For my last wish, I wish the bear was Gay!"
A magic frog lived by himself in a stream running through the woods. This frog had never seen another living animal before, so he was surprised one day when he saw a bear chasing a rabbit past his stream.
"Stop please!" called the frog to the rabbit and the bear. "Come talk to me!" Puzzled, the rabbit and the bear stop their running and approach the frog. Grumpy that he had been interrupted from his chasing the rabbit, the bear replied "What do you want frog?"
The frog explained, "I am a magic frog who lives in this stream, and the two of you are the only other animals I have ever seen. Since you were kind enough to stop, I shall grant each of you 3 wishes. So tell me, what do you want?"
The bear's attitude changed right then and a big grin formed on his face. "Three wished eh? Well in that case, for my first wish I want you to make all the other bears in these woods besides myself female bears!" the bear smirked as he thought of how wonderful it would be to be the only male with lots of females around.
"Done!" proclaimed the frog. "All the bears in these woods beside yourself are now females."
Turning to the rabbit, the frog asked, "What would you like for your first wish." The rabbit after thinking a moment said, "I want a motorcycle." "Done," said the frog and a motorcycle appeared beside them. The bear looks at the rabbit with a scoff and says, "You dumb rabbit. Of all the things you could wish for you ask for a motorcycle? No wonder you are at the bottom of the food chain!" The rabbit simply shrugged and started examming his new bike.
The frog turned back to the bear. "What is your second wish Bear?" The bear, whose maleness has started to show says, "Why don't you make all the bears over in the next forest all females as well? I don't think there are enough females in just this forest for me, hehe." "Done!" said the frog.
Turning to the rabbit the frog inquires of the rabbit's second wish. The frog thinks for a moment and said "Well you got me this great bike, but it isn't really safe to ride one without a helmet, so for my second wish I want a helmet." "Done!" said the frog, and a helmet that perfectly fit the rabbit appeared strapped to the rabbits head. The rabbit proceeded to climb on to the bike at this point.
The bear once again scoffed at the rabbit. "You stupid rabbit. Did it not occur to you that you could have asked for alot of money for your first wish that you could have bought the bike and helmet with, as well as have alot of money left over? And now you have wasted yet another wish. You stupid idiot!" The rabbit just shrugged.
Turning back to the bear the frog asked him for his third wish. Feeling smug the bear declares, "For my last wish, I wish to be the only male bear in the world, and that all other bears be females!" "Done!" declared the frog. "You are the only male bear in the world, all others are females."
With a look of satisfaction the bear gets a dreamy look in his eyes as he starts to fantasize about how the way things now were with him being the only male bear in the world. Meanwhile, the rabbit has started up his motorcycle and has revved it a couple of times in preparation of riding off.
As the frog turns to the rabbit for the last wish the rabbit rides off, yelling over his shoulder with a smug look on his face, "For my last wish, I wish the bear was Gay!"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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chicken or the egg?
A chicken & an egg were lying in bed. The chicken, looking very satisfied, lights a cigarette & smiles. The egg, looking somewhat upset, gabs the sheet, rolls over, & says, "Hmph. . . Well, I guess we've answered THAT question."
A chicken & an egg were lying in bed. The chicken, looking very satisfied, lights a cigarette & smiles. The egg, looking somewhat upset, gabs the sheet, rolls over, & says, "Hmph. . . Well, I guess we've answered THAT question."
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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Moles - (A Joke for Your Kids)
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!"
The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!"
The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses. . . "
A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!"
The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!"
The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses. . . "
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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A Holy Mackerel?
On the last day of his fishing trip, the priest hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The TTMB guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch!" she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no! , no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish".
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch. "
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You Mother Fuckers are my kind of people."
On the last day of his fishing trip, the priest hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.
The TTMB guide, holding a net, yelled, "look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"
"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"
"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"
Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.
"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen."
"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"
"Why, eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!"
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.
While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is--a Son of a Bitch fish!"
"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"
"Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch!" she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?"
"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s dinner."
"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"
"No, no! , no, it's called a Son of a Bitch fish".
"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch. "
On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect.
The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Bishop's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.
The Bishop sat silent in disbelief.
The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The new Bishop looked around at each of them.
Slowly a big smile crept across his face as he said, "You Mother Fuckers are my kind of people."
Rybka
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Three poets were traveling and happened to meet in a bar after a poetry reading. One poet was from Texas, one from Maine and one from Michigan. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their women.
The guy from Michigan began by saying "I told my wife clearly that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing, but on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."
Then the poet from Maine spoke up "I sat my lady down and told her that from now on she would have to do all the grocery shopping and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But the third day, when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries."
The poet from Texas was married to a woman who had grown up in Texas all her life He sat up straight on the barstool, pushed out his chest and said. "I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and house cleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye.
Ya Gotta Love those Texas Women!
The guy from Michigan began by saying "I told my wife clearly that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing, but on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."
Then the poet from Maine spoke up "I sat my lady down and told her that from now on she would have to do all the grocery shopping and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But the third day, when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries."
The poet from Texas was married to a woman who had grown up in Texas all her life He sat up straight on the barstool, pushed out his chest and said. "I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and house cleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye.
Ya Gotta Love those Texas Women!
Rybka
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Dear God
There was this fellow who worked for US Postal Service whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about.” So he opened it and read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old poetess living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next royalty check. Next week is Thanksgiving, and I had invited two of my Literotica poet friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which he put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Thanksgiving came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my poetry friends. We had a marvelous day, and I told all of my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there were four dollars missing. I think it must have been stolen by those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
AnnaMarie Van Bootess
There was this fellow who worked for US Postal Service whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about.” So he opened it and read:
"Dear God,
I am an 83 year old poetess living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next royalty check. Next week is Thanksgiving, and I had invited two of my Literotica poet friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"
The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which he put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Thanksgiving came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my poetry friends. We had a marvelous day, and I told all of my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there were four dollars missing. I think it must have been stolen by those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
AnnaMarie Van Bootess
Rybka
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Clever Lauren!
A young college student in Portugal was supposed to write a short Literotica story in as few words as possible for her creative writing class. The instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one in class who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
"Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?”
A young college student in Portugal was supposed to write a short Literotica story in as few words as possible for her creative writing class. The instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one in class who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
"Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?”
Rybka
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The Three Little Pigs
This is purportedly a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused......then asked the class: " And what do you think the man said?"
After a short seat squirming pause one little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the man would have said: 'Well, fuck me! A talking pig!' "
The teacher was unable to continue for the next 10 minutes.
This is purportedly a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused......then asked the class: " And what do you think the man said?"
After a short seat squirming pause one little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the man would have said: 'Well, fuck me! A talking pig!' "
The teacher was unable to continue for the next 10 minutes.
Rybka
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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit for a new life!"
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 D."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.!
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 38."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old!"
The salesman shook his head, "Oh, don't do that! You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit for a new life!"
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 D."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.!
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 38."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old!"
The salesman shook his head, "Oh, don't do that! You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
Rybka
Nit pick; pearl too!
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Whistle while you work!
A new young MD doing residency in OB was embarrassed performing female exams and had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment. The young lady upon whom he was performing the exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He snarled ''just what is so funny madam?'' She replied, ''I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener'!''
A new young MD doing residency in OB was embarrassed performing female exams and had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment. The young lady upon whom he was performing the exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He snarled ''just what is so funny madam?'' She replied, ''I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener'!''
PatCarrington
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Angeline said:was the woman a poet? you usually make them poets.
nice legs, teach.
Rybka
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Moderators, Please Take Notice!
If you want to chat or talk trash, please use another thread.
Think of this thread as a 'joke equivalent' of the "New Poems" thread.
Feel free to post jokes/humor, but please don't use the thread for personal chit-chat.
Thank you, Rybka
Please keep this thread clean of non-humor related posts. (including this one.)PatCarrington said:nice legs, teach.
If you want to chat or talk trash, please use another thread.
Think of this thread as a 'joke equivalent' of the "New Poems" thread.
Feel free to post jokes/humor, but please don't use the thread for personal chit-chat.
Thank you, Rybka
Last edited:
PatCarrington
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Rybka said:
sorry. didn't realize.
there seemed to be chit-chat interspersed. witness the top of this page for example.
Rybka
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We must have our "posts per page" set differently. I don't see to what you are referring.PatCarrington said:sorry. didn't realize.
there seemed to be chit-chat interspersed. witness the top of this page for example.
Anyway, just post a joke and all is forgiven!
Rybka
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New Virus
There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK".
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else - do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make least five friends. Then retry.
I think I have five friends but am not entirely positive. . . so I'm headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe!
There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK".
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else - do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make least five friends. Then retry.
I think I have five friends but am not entirely positive. . . so I'm headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe!
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