More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

Rim Shot Time!

A poetic fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.

She looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The poetic fish says $300,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is speckled Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $300,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed. Very confused, the teller explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a fish named Speckled Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $300,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[Rybka]

Optimist and Pessimist

There once were twin boys. One was a complete optimist who always saw the ‘best’ in everything; for him not only was the glass half full, but there was even room in it for more!

His brother was the exact opposite. He could see the water evaporating from the glass – if it didn’t get knocked off the table and broken first! He was a total pessimist and nothing could ever please him.

Their parents couldn’t understand how identical twins could be so totally different in weltanschauung, so for their tenth birthday they decided to test the twins and see if they truly were each so completely different and one-sided in personality and temperament.

They filled the pessimist’s room with expensive fancy toys; skate board, motorbike, big screen TV, video games, etc., even a pedigreed puppy!

Then they filled the optimist’s room to the ceiling with horseshit.

When the boys came home from school their parents told them that their birthday presents were in their rooms.

The pessimist opened his door and said, “Aw CRAP!”

What’s the matter?” his parents asked. “Aren’t you happy with all your presents?”

“Are you kidding?” the dour faced boy replied. “ If I don’t break a leg on the skateboard, I’ll get hit by a bus on the motorbike. . . And while I’m laid up I’ll probably go blind playing all the video games and watching TV. . . If it doesn’t fall off the wall and kill the puppy first. . . And now I bet I’ll have to take care of the dog!. . . Feed him, and brush him, and clean up after him. . . I bet he sheds and chews up the furniture and all my shoes too!. . . “


When his brother, the optimist, opened the door to his room and saw all the horseshit, he let out a loud ‘WHOOP!’ and immediately jumped in and started digging into the horseshit with both hands.

His startled parents asked, “What are you doing? Aren't you upset?”

Their smiling son replied, “Are you kidding? With all this shit, there’s GOT to be a pony in here somewhere!!”

 

[Rybka]

The Funeral

A funeral service was held for a woman poet who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into the wall by the door, jarring the casket.

They heard a faint moan and they opened the casket to find that the woman was actually alive! She lived for another ten more years, sending more than a thousand erotic poems to Literotica, and then she died.

Once again, a funeral was held, and at the end the pallbearers began to carry out the casket. As they neared the door, a member of the elite poets' clique cried out, "Watch out for that wall!"

​

 

[templeminded]

A funeral service was held for a woman poet who had just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into the wall by the door, jarring the casket.

They heard a faint moan and they opened the casket to find that the woman was actually alive! She lived for another ten more years, sending more than a thousand erotic poems to Literotica, and then she died.

Once again, a funeral was held, and at the end the pallbearers began to carry out the casket. As they neared the door, a member of the elite poets' clique cried out, "Watch out for that wall!"

​

If the ends don’t justify the means
and
Might does not make right

Then what does?


our imprints on life~

winds and sand may wither a mountain
but 'Saints' live forever~

 

[Rybka]

Another rimshot please

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping and fishing trip, when they came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be going away to college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook.

One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!"

The other replied, "No, it's not!"

The first man said, "Yes it is! I recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side."

To which the other man replied, "Don't be stupid! You can't tell a brook by its clover."

 

[Rybka]

good ideas here

I think this was Andy Rooney.

1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more
time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you
know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently
completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and
records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is
used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call
back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you
notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button
on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the
machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system.
Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these
"ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail
away. When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything
from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away
the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes,
right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when
they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The
postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to
the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail
and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy
Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to
American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get
anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything
you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own
junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them
know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying
for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is
cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase
postage costs again. You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work---- I have been doing this
for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

 

[Rybka]

Firming Up

One morning while making breakfast, a poet walked up to his partner, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his "better" with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "winkie-dinkie." With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and Tathagata."

 

[Rybka]

Ooops. . .

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax and !!OH MY GOD. . . !!"

Then silence.

Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

 

[Rybka]

The Confession

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution. "Yes, and two very good leads!"

 

[Rybka]

For all you mothers

Out of the mouths of. . .


JACK (3) was watching his mom breast feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

STEVEN (3) hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedrooom window."

BRITTANY (4) had earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "it makes my teeth cough."

DANI (4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (4) was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked: "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

 

[Rybka]

Lunch Anyone?

A little old lady poet sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"

Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the little old poetess says.

"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

 

[Rybka]

For YDD (In memoriam)

A test for you

During a visit to the Famous Writer’s School, a visitor asked the Director what was the criteria for admittance and how they could tell if a prospective student was destined to be a prose writer or a poet, or even (shudder) a critic.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the student, and ask the student to empty the bathtub."

Okay, here's your test:

(Those without any creative tendency (editors for example) will scroll to the bottom to get the answer before taking this test.)

1. Would you use the spoon?

or

2. Would you use the teacup?

or

3. Would you use the bucket?



SCROLL DOWN TO SEE THE NORMAL ANSWER FOR POET, WRITER, AND CRITIC:












"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A prose writer would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon and would make the task easier, even if sloppier."

“Correct.” said the director.

“Then the poet would use the teacup. . . but then why would the critic choose the spoon. . . because they are so persnickety and want everything so exact?”

”You are right about the poet and the teacup. A traditional poet will choose it because it offers more control over what they are doing. But you are wrong about the spoon. Japanese poets and some minimalists choose it, but certainly not the critics.”


”Then what do the critics do?” ask the visitor




KEEP SCROLLING DOWN








"Oh," answered the Director. "A critic would simply pull the plug."


(You are not required to tell anyone how you did on this test.)


Please don't share your answer. . . but, now you know.

 

[Rybka]

Sexy Timepiece

A Lit. Poet is sitting at a bar in Boston one late spring night, running up a bar “Tab’”, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The young woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a reahly fancy watch."

”Thanks.” says the lit Lit. poet, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me on the display."

"Rubbash!" says the girl. “I didn’t just pahk my cah in the gahrage from outside of Baastahn! I’m a Wehlesley girl!!

"No, it's true," says our poet, monkeying with her mind. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it a question. . . Let’s see. . . I’ll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The lit Lit. poet scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them, presses a button, looks at the display, and says, "Nope. It says you haven't got any panties on."

"Wehl, it's wrong!" says the girl, "I do have panties on.”

"Shit!" says our poet, slapping his watch, “I forgot about daylight saving time!"

 

[Rybka]

Flower Bribes

One Friday, two women poets were sitting and talking. One poetess looked up and saw her partner coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand.

Angie rolled her eyes and said, “Look there comes the asshole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air!

Wicked Eve promptly replied, “Don't you have a vase?”

 

[Rybka]

Good News and Bad News

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.

It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you have do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you."

And with that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe. . . Moe. . . "

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe, it's Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "And I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "Is that there is baseball in heaven."

"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

 

[Rybka]

Terrorist Dry Run?

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American
sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off,
wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke.

"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat
in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good,
I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it.
When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes, and peeing in cokes.

 

[Rybka]

Bobbitt Update

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done a number of years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.


She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with a. . .













(scroll down)

Misdewiener ​

 

[Rybka]

What do you want for dinner? Solved.

Ange had a system for labeling leftover meals in the freezer . She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

Everyday when she asked her sig-oth what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.

So now you'll see a whole new set of labels: "Whatever", "Anything", "I Don't Know", "I Don't Care", "Something Good", or "Food" .

No more frustration for Ange because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.

 

[Rybka]

Poet and Priest

A drunk Boston poet sat down next to a priest on a public conveyance and started reading the paper. After numerous minutes he put the paper down and asked the priest what caused arthritis.

Not wanting to miss an opportunity to turn someone's life around, the priest indicated it was probably caused by sinful things like drinking too much amongst other things.

The drunken poet was quiet for several minutes and finally the priest asked him why he had ask such a question.

The drunken poet picked up the paper and said, "According to this, it is what the Pope has."

 

[Rybka]

Instructions on how to clean your Toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noise
that comes from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and
rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are
no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely, The Dog​

 

[Rybka]

The Druggist

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist, and demand an apology. Before he could say more then a word or two, the druggist said, "Now just a minute! Listen to my side of it. . . This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house and car keys were inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there were a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened, and started waiting on these people. All the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. I had to break open a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels.

The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. That made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up. When I finally got to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a RECTAL thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness. . . all I did was tell her!"

 

[Rybka]

The Correct Way To Call The Police

A Literotica poet was going up to bed when his wife told him that from the bedroom window she'd seen someone sneaking around the yard. He took one look and then he phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

And he said "No." Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his doors and windows and an officer would be along when available.
The poet said, "Okay." hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello,
I just called you seconds ago
Because I wanted for you to know
That there was someone in my yard.

Well, don’t worry about him anyhow
Because I have shot him dead just now
And he and his damn dog died hard!"
Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the poet’s residence. Of course, the police caught the peeping pervert red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to the poet: "I thought you said that you'd shot him?"

The Lit poet replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[Rybka]

Cats & Dogs

EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing
that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this
at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try
this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear
into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the
other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the
other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room,
his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. . .

 

[Rybka]

Deadly Foods

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 

[Rybka]

Wicked Eve was walking down the street when she was approached by the monkey man.

Tath said, " I must have you right now! I'll drop 100 dollars on the
ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I
can have my way with you from behind!"

The Wicked one thought it over and told him to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend Angeline on her cell phone and told her about the proposition. Angeline said, "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what
happened."

An hour and a half later Wicked Eve called Angeline bacck. "What happened?" Angeline asked.

Wicked Eve said, "That fuckin' monkey had the money in quarters!"