More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

Jim's Big Fish!

Jim's son, Tom, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.

"Dad and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant trout. Really, really big! Then, while he was fighting it, I got the line tangled in the net and it busted, and the fish got away."

"Now come on, Tommy," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."

"But mom, that's just what I did!"

 

[BooMerengue]

A Chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, and rolls over.

The chicken says---

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

 

[BooMerengue]

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear,"
replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out
the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring..
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn't come along,"

(borrowed from another thread)

 

[Rybka]

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure. . . go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room look at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

 

[Rybka]

Lifesavers

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:
"Red.................. cherry,"
"Yellow.............. lemon,"
"Green............... lime,"
"Orange............. orange."

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "They're assholes! Everybody, spit them out!"

 

[Rybka]

Sexy Sandals for EE

A poet couple from Maine was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You're foreigners! Come in! Come into my humble shop."

So the poetic couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex, like a great desert camel."

Well, the woman was really interested in buying the sandals after hearing what the man claimed, but the male poet felt he really didn't need them, being the great sex god he was. So he asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sex Freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib."

With that, and after much badgering from his female companion, he finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his partner hadn't seen in years. . . raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the male poet grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani began screaming: "YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG FEET. . . YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!!!"

 

[Zanzibar]

Some silly short ones...

Just a few really silly short jokes...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two men walked into a bar...

Second one should have seen it coming.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call scared lettuce?

A chicken salad!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Skeleton walks into a bar.

Bartender says "Whattaya have?"

"Two beers... and a mop!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why don't cannibles eat clowns?

They taste funny!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Bill Gates had been a little differently endowed, would we now all be running Macrostiff as our operating software?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ba dump bump..... You can stop groaning now!

 

[Rybka]

Fish Hook Salesmen

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "Everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.


The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.

"Then I sold him a medium fish hook.

"Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

"Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

"Then I asked him where he was going fishing" and he said, "Down at the coast." So I told him he was gonna need a boat. So we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

 

[Rybka]

An Engineer Dies and Reports to Hell

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators,
and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right! And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

 

[PatCarrington]

I owe you a joke, Rybka.......


Two blonde literotica poetesses were walking through the woods. One looked down and said, “Oh, look….deer tracks.”

“Those aren’t deer tracks, dear. They’re moose tracks. Don’t you know the difference?” the other responded.

“I beg to differ,” the first replied. “They are definitely deer tracks.”

“No, they aren’t. They’re moose tracks.” Their voice rose with each retort.

“Deer tracks!”

“Moose tracks!”

“DEER TRACKS!!”

“MOOSE TRACKS!!”

"DEER TRACKS!!!"

"MOOSE TRACKS!!!" .....

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

[Rybka]

Tgif

A published poet got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a Lit. poetess already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

Angie was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The poet smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated Lit. poetess finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The poet answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Tuesday."

 

[Rybka]

Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoos, and pierced nose.
I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not
have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job, but just sit around drunk or stoned and write dirty poetry.

I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. But after all, you can't learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law.



P.S. Congratulations on winning the 52 million dollar Powerball Lottery.

 

[Rybka]

Good Point Doc. . .

Good Point

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?”

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

I said, "No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf / sailing / ballooning / motorcycling / rock
climbing?”

"No I don't." I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around with wild women?”

"No.” I said. "I have never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be 80?"

 

[Rybka]

Why We can’t Find Osama Bin Laden!

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle in the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?”

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything," he barked at her.

The shocked genie said "Please sir, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to the bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!”
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His "member" was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance. God is good.

 

[Bacteriophage68]

gfhgfhgfhfhgfshfthfshghgfsfghsfhfhg

 

[Rybka]

The Benefits of Growing Old

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled
down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Pam."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.

There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe Jack, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Pam and I were walking home from school yesterday. . . “

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here.

 

[Zanzibar]

A case of worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"





A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

 

[Rybka]

Stay, Lucy! Stay!

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a blonde, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

 

[Rybka]

A Trip to the Dentist

A poet couple walked into a dentist's office. The poet said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have a poetry reading to go to and there are going to be agents and even a publisher there. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness—this guy is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asked the poet, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The poet turned to his companion and said, "Open your mouth, Angie, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

 

[Rybka]

Ghostly Sex

A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. . . Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to make love to a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiit! From way back thar I thought you said 'Goat'."

 

[Rybka]

The Barbershop

A Lit. poet sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same poet sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says,
"About 3 hours."
The guy leaves.

A week later the same poet sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

 

[Rybka]

The Drowning Woman

Standing at the edge of the bay, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A nearby Lit. poet ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The poet dove into the water. With powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the Lit. poet said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The Lit. poet reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

 

[Rybka]

Those Dam Beavers

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely;

David L. Price, District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

** Here is the response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price:

Your certified letter dated 12/17/04 has been delivered to me for response. I am the legal landowner, but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against the Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see
if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being illiterate, watch out for their teeth and tails.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU;

RYAN DEVRIES for THE DAM BEAVERS

 

[Rybka]

Walking the Dog

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

[Rybka]

3 men at the gates of heaven

Saint Peter is interviewing three guys. Unfortunately there isn’t any space for all three of them to enter the gates of heaven. So Saint Peter tells the three men that the one who tells the best story of how they died, would be the one allowed into heaven. So Saint Peter takes them in one by one into a private room to hear their stories one by one, away from the others so they won’t steal any ideas.

He sends the first guy in.

The first guy: ''I had a feeling that my wife was cheating on me while I was at work. So one day I decided to come home early. I walk in and find my wife naked by herself. So I start searching the whole apartment for her lover and accuse her of cheating, but she’s insisting that she was only doing aerobics naked. After a few minutes of looking and not finding anyone there, I apologize. And then I heard something out the window. I go to the window and see man hanging off the ledge of my window. I start screaming at the man and then he falls off, so I run and put a storage trunk on the ledge to throw down at him, when I lost my balance and it fell off the ledge and pulling me down with it and I died''

Saint Peter is amazed. He sends the guy away and sends the next guy in.

The second guy: ''I am a window washer. I was assigned to wash the windows of an apartment complex when my harness broke and I was falling. Luckily I managed to grab a hold of a ledge but then lost my grip when some man was yelling at me. But I was lucky enough to fall into a dumpster, after catching my breath and thanking God, I look up n I see that there’s a storage trunk heading right towards me. Lights out.

Saint Peter is truly amazed. Sends the next guy in and tells him that his story needs to be really good because the last two were truly amazing.

The third guy: ''I was hiding inside a storage trunk.''