More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

A Letter from Camp

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps.

It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed.

It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.

Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. It's a real neat bus! He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Christopher

 

[Rybka]

Sure is dark in here!

A housewife takes a daytime lover while her husband is at work. One day he comes home early and her lover jumps up and hides in the closet. As he sits there in the dark he hears a kid say "Sure is dark in here"... The lover replies "Yep". The kid says "You wanna buy my baseball". The lover asks "How much"? The kid says "$250.00 mister".
"Hell no. I'm not buying your baseball for that much."
"You know that's my father out there."
"Fine. I'll buy it."

A couple of weeks go by and the husband comes home early again so the lover hides in the closet once again and hears...
"Sure is dark in here."
"Yep."
"You wanna buy my baseball glove?"
"How much?"
"$750.00"
"Fine."

A few more days go by and the family is sitting at the dinner table one night and the father asks his son if he wants to go play catch. The son explains that he sold his baseball glove and baseball for $1000.00. The father gets upset and tells his son that he should not take advantage of people and he'll have to beg for forgiveness. The father takes his son to the catholic church and explains to the priest what happened and why his son is in trouble. The priest goes into the confession booth and hears. . .

"Sure is dark in here."

"Don't start that shit again kid!"

 

[Rybka]

Why Am I Married?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one poetess said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


A lady poet inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."


When a poetess steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.



A poet is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."


A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."


Then there was a poet who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.


Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


First poet says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."


A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.



AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!


Poet and partner are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the poetess and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the poet and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the poet gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus. . . so YOU shut the hell up."

 

[Trent_Dutch]

Still stalking

If the opposite of a 'pro' is a 'con'.... what's the opposite of 'Progress'?

 

[BooMerengue]

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one poetess said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


A lady poet inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."


When a poetess steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.



A poet is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."


A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."


Then there was a poet who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.


Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


First poet says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."


A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.



AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!


Poet and partner are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the poetess and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the poet and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the poet gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus. . . so YOU shut the hell up."

Are you married, Rybby?

I'm glad I never did.

 

[Rybka]

Married men humor

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; Then, Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out!"

5. Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight.”
Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."

6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

7. A poet rushes into his house and yells to his mate, "Angie, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!" Angeline replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The poet responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.

10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. ><)))°<

11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

 

[Jennifer C]

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

 

[Jennifer C]

The 5 Questions Most Feared by Men
spacer
1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Football. b. Golf. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Shit!!

 

[Jennifer C]

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

2. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

4. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; Then, Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out!"

5. Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight.”
Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on."

6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

7. A poet rushes into his house and yells to his mate, "Angie, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!" Angeline replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
The poet responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her.

10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. ><)))°<

11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

LOL, great stuff, very funny

 

[Trent_Dutch]

If the opposite of a 'pro' is a 'con'.... what's the opposite of 'Progress'?

" 'Con' gress"

Thats the answer..... 24 hours is enough for any joke to go unsolved/unanswered.......


I beseech you!!!!

Or rather;

I beseech thee!!!!

 

[Rybka]

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Go ahead. Make me!

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? ! Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle. . .

14. French poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

***

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

The Cat's Answer:

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

 

[The_Fool]

From an email I just got:

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 

[Rybka]

Finally, an Honest Corporation!!!

.

Crapco.com​

.

 

[Rybka]

For English lovers

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak English as a second language, you must be a genius! This little double-take on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Continue at your leisure, English lovers.

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he began to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick

 

[Rybka]

Vaseline

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper and not having much luck.

One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner. "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."

"Well," says the seller, "its pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and its going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike, I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." And he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). Who isn't!?!?

That night, he decided to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parent's house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's hand, "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Hundreds of dirty dishes piled up along the stairs, dirty dishes everywhere. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table.

Still, no one says a word. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom, who was quite attractive, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window, and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts, "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

 

[Rybka]

The Birthday Present

The poet couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she liked was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.

 

[Rybka]

To men everywhere from women who’ve had enough!

Who understands men?

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy an NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

NOW. . . they think women are hard to understand!


Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with!

 

[Rybka]

Men Peeing

(The author is responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom):

Wicked Eve,
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so
you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and, without warning, that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.

I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
her...look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep
putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are not insensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature. . . there wouldn't have been a problem!!!

 

[RhymeFairy]

This stuff is tooooo funny~!!

Rybka~

Have no clue where you get all this.
It is allll a hoot.
I love it. I have had a bad, tiring week.
Thank you for.... the smile and chuckle~

The men peeing ... eng. lang ... both had me rolling ...

 

[Rybka]

How to have a happy wife

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took retirement a year ago, it became necessary for My wife to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, My wife used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. My wife is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support My wife on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.

However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

 

[Rybka]

Cinderella

Cinderella wants to attend the Halloween ball but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball. As usual there are two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella does not show up. Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"

"I can't remember exactly... Peter, Peter, something or other. . . "

 

[My Erotic Tale]

Hello Ryb

I am replying to your feedback of my comment. I had an interesting conversation with my mother this weekend on the topic of "Canning" since she is the canner of the family. Canning tomatoes, preserves, and fruits as well as sauces. I asked her why we call it canning when it is clear that she uses jars (Mason Jars) She responded with it just doesn't sound very sound to be "Jarring"

To take it a step further she responded with "why do we call it pickling when we/ she pickles quail eggs and peppers. There are not pickles in them."
I love her pickled quail eggs, without pickles <grin>

Sorry it took so long to reply but I been stretched thinner than chewing gum that has been chewed a long long time..

 

[RhymeFairy]

Cinderella wants to attend the Halloween ball but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball. As usual there are two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella does not show up. Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"

"I can't remember exactly... Peter, Peter, something or other. . . "

power
in the eye
of the beholder

so hold tight
let loose

for tomorrow
is but a dream

take my command
listen real close

for you will learn
far
more than most

she was a lover
this to be sure

a prince did love her
now
there is no cure~

 

[Rybka]

The bronze rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"

 

[Jennifer C]

The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.