More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

Karma, the Talking Dog

A poet has a talking dog named Karma. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak English!" he claims to the unimpressed agent.

"Okay, Karma." the poet says to the dog, "What’s on the top of a house?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’."

"No, wait." the guy says. He asks the dog "What does sandpaper feel like?"

"Rough!" Karma answers.

The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the poet says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street!

Then Karma turns to the poet and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

 

[Rybka]

Open 24 Hours!

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.

I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."

He goes: "Not in a row!"

~(Steven Wright) ​

 

[Rybka]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?"

 

[Rybka]

I Must Give Thanks!

I must give my thanks to whoever sent me the email about roach eggs in the glue on envelopes because I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.!

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) Friday, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!

 

[Rybka]

Voted World's Funniest Religious Joke

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And pushed him over.

~ Emo Phillips

 

[bluerains]

cure for cold

a pharmacist in drug store walks in to find a man stooped over near the counter. The pharmacist asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find any cough syrup, so I gave him a box of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" \
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

 

[Rybka]

More Emo

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized, the Lord doesn't work that way.

So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me . . . and I got it! - Emo Phillips

 

[RhymeFairy]

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women


PREGNANCY Q&A & MORE!



Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.



Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will the baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.



Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?



Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.



Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.



Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.



Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.



Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.



Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"



1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.

5. You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: How's my driving-call 1-800-"

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".

8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND



10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:



1. OTHER WOMEN

 

[cymry]

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

 

[RhymeFairy]

Alabama Girls

Alabama Girls


>
> Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
> wives duties.
>
> The first man had married a woman from New York, and bragged that he had
> told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said
> it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and
> the dishes were done.
>
> The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had
> given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
> cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was
> better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he
> had a huge dinner on the table.
>
> The third man had married an Alabama girl. He boasted that he told her that
> her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
> laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first
> day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the
> third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out
> of his left eye.
>
> Gotta love them Girls.
>


>

 

[RhymeFairy]

Why We Love Children

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room" A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

"The big sissy."

***

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

***

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey,
remember, Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

***

A little boy was doing his math homework. He recited aloud "Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch
is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next
day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?!" The teacher replied, "Right
now,we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher
stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

***

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A
talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes.

***

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

***
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I
can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

***

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says,
"Yes,I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

 

[Zanzibar]

Who would have thought?!?!

My wife's been after me for years to take her to someplace expensive.

I finally broke down and said I would.

She let out a squeel of glee and ran upstairs and changed into her fanciest dress.

The she wanted me to change into something nice, and wouldn't let up till I put on a suit and tie.

I swear I'll never understand women.

All this fuss just to go to the gas station.

 

[Rybka]

Emo III

I went to Jerusalem. . . And so one day I'm at the wailing wall. . . standing there like a moron. . . with my harpoon." - Emo Phillips

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..." - Emo Phillips

 

[Rybka]

Emo IV

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?"

I'd say, "Yes!"

He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!"

So I would . . . and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

 

[Rybka]

Lip Reader

My grandfather is hard of hearing.
He has to read lips.
I don’t mind him reading my lips. . .

but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.

 

[Rybka]

So you want to be a lawyer?

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

 

[Rybka]

for Senna

Q: What do you get if you chop an Avogadro up into 6.02 X 10^23 pieces?

A: Guaca-MOLE!

 

[Rybka]

What does love mean from a child's point of view?







A group of psychologists posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8


"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving stuff and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5


"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6


"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7


"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8


"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."
Nikka - age 6


"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7


"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6


"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5


"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7


"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4


"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4


"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6


"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8


And the final one –

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"

 

[BooMerengue]

awww, Rybby. Thanks for that!

Love is...

When your 5 yr old grandson says silver hair matches blue eyes better than old light brown hair does.

When your 3 yr old grandson knows you like mushrooms and so you find a pile of them under your pillow at bedtime.

 

[Rybka]

Anti-men one liners

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough

 

[Rybka]

letter of resignation

A letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA,
to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker:

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations.

Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that
ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and
annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of
our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic
wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not
only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired
because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently
hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you
vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the
hundredth time

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even
though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an
IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have
worked for your interview, but now that you actually have
responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent
will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial
evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and
laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a
full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation,
however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for
you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is
"I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over
the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to
get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I
conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do
believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by
the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
Mothers birthday", you neglected to mention that you were going to take
nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then you forgot to erase them
like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never
seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have
been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing
letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate
having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your
little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never
fuck with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do
with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day; Cecelia

 

[CrowSingsOver]

not too bad, I hope

A very obvious gay man was travelling in Arizona when his radiator overheated. Luckily he was in the middle of town and could coast off to the side of the road. After a little bit of a walk, he went into the local bar and up to the bartender.

The bartender, noticing the man's manner, jutted out his chin and said "we don' serve your kind in here, get out!"

Extremely hot and tired, and needing to let the radiator of his car cool back down, the man swore up and down that he'd just take a bottled water and sit in the corner, not bothering a soul.

After a few moments of being pleaded with, the bartender shrugged and agreed, on the condition that the man would stay out of sight of most of the other patrons.

The man sat down and began cooling off, sipping his Disani dantily when suddenly a cowboy slammed through the bar doors and boasted: "I'm so damned thirsty I could lick the sweat of a bull's balls!!!"

At this, and not able to control himself, the gay man shot out of his seat, put his hands on his hips and said, "Moo Moo, Cowboy!"

 

[Rybka]

Rowdy Ted

A poet was getting ready to go on a long speaking trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except. . ." and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo penis named Rowdy Ted."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.

The poet laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Rowdy Ted, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the poet.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $300 in cash and an imitation Rolex.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my pussy."

He left for his speaking tour satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my pussy!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my pussy and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied. . .















"Yeah, right. . . Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

 

[Rybka]

Instant Karma

Here you go Zenites. Make your own instant karma:

Digital Prayer Wheel​

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[Du Lac]

ty!

Cool site Rybka thank you for posting it so all may share in the experience.
du lac~