More "Medicine"

[RhymeFairy]

My daughter sent these. I know a lil young, but cute and witty.

Halloween is a coming ... WooHoooo





Q: How can you tell if a vampire has a cold?

A: He starts coffin'!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What did the snowman give the vampire?

A: Frostbite!

~~~~~~~~~

Q: What did the vampire say to the people in line?

A: "Who's necks?"

 

[My Erotic Tale]

A father watched his young daughter playing in
the garden he smiled as he reflected on how sweet
and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes
as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature
through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the
ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her
attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she
asked"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she
asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the
little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute
and innocent question he replied
"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled,
thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that poofter
shit in our garden" she said.

 

[Rybka]

Art and fellow Zen poet Bubba where riding down a country road in Texas getting drunk when Art (the driver of the pickem up truck) noticed Billybob (the county sheriff) had one of his infamous sobriety checkpoints set up ahead.

Art says to Bubba, "Bubba! Quick, peel the label off of your bottle of Miller High Life and stick it on your arm! QUICK, Bubba do it!" They both did and tossed the bottles under the seat.

Art casually pulled up to the roadblock and gives Sheriff Billybob a kind greeting. The Sheriff eyes the two (obviously drunker than Cooter Brown, both of them) and asks if they have been drinking. Without missing a beat Art shows the beer label on his arm and points to Bubba's and says, "OH, NO SIR! We're on the patch!" <grin>

 

[CrowSingsOver]

a poem

Little birdie in the sky
why'd you do that in my eye?
me no baby
me no cry
me just glad that cows don't fly


*bows* thank you

 

[Rybka]

Interesting yet useless information (true or not)

In the 1400’s a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “the rule of thumb”

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden”...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.


Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father’s Day

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... “goodnight, sleep tight.”

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.”
It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.


~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

 

[Rybka]

Divorce

A married poet couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour in their old car. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it." he says, "Because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover, and poet, than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house." he says insistently.

Up to 60.

"I want the car, too." he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the book deal!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 70 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

 

[Rybka]

Ah, Rats!!

A Texas poet was visiting San Francisco and walked into a curio shop. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so striking he decided he must have it.

He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"sixty dollars for the rat, one thousand dollars for the story," said the owner.
The poet gave the man sixty dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story. I'm a published author. I can make up my own story!"

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had began following him. This was disconcerting so he began walking faster. But within a few blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he ran as fast as he could to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and were all drowned.

Our poet ran back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?"

"No," said the poet, "I came back to see if you have a bronze critic!"

 

[Rybka]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.


Kathleen quickly responded,

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass
again."

 

[bluerains]

feminine elements explained

Element: Women
Symbol : Wo (woe is me)
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 kg may vary from 40 – 200 kg
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas

Physical properties :
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points

Chemical properties :
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known
reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation
in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common uses :
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent

Test :
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

Potential hazards :
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be
maintained
at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct
contact with each other.

Warning

PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL,
AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE

 

[CrowSingsOver]

Three vampires go into a bar...

the bartender asks the first "what can I get for you?"
the first vampire answers "a glass of A+ please"
The bartender shrugs and pours the drink.

The second vampire asks for a glass of B- and the bartender happily fills a glass full of blood.

The last vampire smiles and asks for a nice hot cup of water. Taken off guard, the bartender leans in and inquires "what's with the water? You're two friends ordered blood. Don't you want blood?"

The vampire waves off the question and produces a used tampon. "I like to drink the tea."

 

[cymry]

Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?

A: A quarter pounder with cheese.


Anyone for MacDonalds?

 

[BooMerengue]

*shakes head

Geeez, you guys- those last 2 jokes aren't funny. Thats locker room stuff. Rybby keeps it pretty clean in here- let's help him out, ok?

I'll delete if y'all will.

 

[Rybka]

Spousal Abuse

Walking into the bar, the poet said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Henry replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "OH! There You Are! Come out from under that bed, you little chicken shit!"

 

[Rybka]

A poetess pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years and then one daughter walked into the kitchen in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out." replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what had happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into jer study in tears. "Mom, I was taking a pee and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay," said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a pee and a bullet came out."

"No." said the boy, "I was playing with myself and now the dog's dead!"

 

[Rybka]

Frog Problem

A beautiful, well endowed, yet Wicked Lit. poetess, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. She spots a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs...Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)."

Our eternally horny poetess excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take a frog."

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions carefully:

1. Take a shower
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog on the bed

Following the instructions exactly, Eve quickly gets into bed with the frog. Nothing happens. Our poetess is totally frustrated and quite upset. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

WE calls and is told by the salesman, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes he is ringing her doorbell and is welcomed in.

"See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the FUCKING (non) thing just sits there." says our poetess.

The man picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes, and says: "Listen closely to me froggy, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

 

[Rybka]

For Anna & her unwanted hair!

Got this from a friend:

For Women Only!

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now. . . the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax; you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)


So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.


With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!


I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.


****!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.


I want to see my trophy - a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???


Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. ****! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.


Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. ****!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!


I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.....which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal, but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.


YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working; dignity has taken a major hike; and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.


My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!


The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend, and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.


So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.


Next week I'm going to try hair color. . .

 

[CrowSingsOver]

oh god

my god, that made me hurt...my eyes are watering...poor woman!

it's like a guy watching another guy get kicked in the groin...arggg.

 

[Rybka]

Men's Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1 Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides, or your period. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just FUCKIN' say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible! in an argument.
In fact, "All comments become null and void after 7 Days."

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something, Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1 If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine. . . Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as SEX,baseball, beer, the shotgun formation, golf, or SEX and beer.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!


1. Thank you for reading this.


Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;






(But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping, but without the bugs!)

 

[Rybka]

The 3 Bears

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Momma Bear who got up first.
It was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Momma Bear who made the coffee.
It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.
It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
It was Momma Bear who set the table.
It was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish.
And, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time:

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET !!

 

[Rybka]

My wife and I were watching "WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to make love?"

She answered, "No."

I asked "Is that your final answer?"

She replied, "Yes."

Then I said "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember. . .

 

[Rybka]

New words for 2005

NEW WORDS FOR 2005: Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace:

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a Deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A boss, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income , Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the shit out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

15. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

16. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.

 

[BooMerengue]

Heres one I borrowed from another thread...

Clever Romantic Rhyme Contest


These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the
most romantic first line but least romantic second line . . . .

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling you lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[Rybka]

A Tragic Story

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn toward the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Toward and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Toward and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Toward hooked into a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw him again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away. . ."

 

[Rybka]

A elderly Lit. poetess went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out of the room, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "That woman is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?


The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[Rybka]

Hollywod Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever.... not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. Now this is really funny comedy at its best. Enjoy!

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake?

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.