More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

An Old One from School Daze

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

"Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment, and answers "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting. . .

"Dopey fucked a penguin!"
"Dopey fucked a penguin!"

 

[Rybka]

The Baby Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to. . . "

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too. . . you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I 'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of. . . of. . . !!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith faintly.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling; I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.

" Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your. . . um. . . equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod???!!"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. . . Madam? Madam?. . . Good Lord, she's fainted!

 

[Rybka]

Golf Etiquete

A golfer was teeing off and a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first golfer said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. After two holes they were even. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched. How about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow, a very humble person said, that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy then won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at the local country club and liked to picked on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the local senior pastor of a large suburban church. The golf pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The minister said, "No, you won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. Keep your winnings."

The pro said,"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The minister answered,"Well, you could come to church on Sunday and make a donation. . . And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I"ll marry them."

 

[BooMerengue]

I stole this from the other joke thread. I thought it pretty good...


TWENTY-FIVE SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down, and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet, instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps sometimes between noon and 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one..

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're female, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list, looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry OLD butt.
Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it and do the same.

BONUS:
26. When you find out your friend is pregnant, you congratulate her, instead of asking, "Oh, SHIT! What Happened?"

 

[Rybka]

Little Harry

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him, and he was eager to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry
can go to the third grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants".

Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,

delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut".

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry says: "Bubble gum".

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

The principal's eyes open even wider, and before he could stop the answer Harry said:. "Shake hands".

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck".

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in
the fifth-grade. I got the last seven questions wrong."

 

[Rybka]

Prop. 2

MET watched his neighbor's daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent the little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Unca Art, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," MET replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Unca Art?" she asked.

That's a Daddy Long legs." The Texas poet answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Long legs?" the little girl asked.

"No," MET replied. "Both of them are Daddy Long legs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California or Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."

 

[Rybka]

Discretion

Six retired poets in Florida were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Arnie loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Sam looks around and asks, So, who is going to tell his wife?

They draw straws. George picks the short one. They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet, and be gentle. Don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'll be the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me."

George goes over to Arnie's apartment, knocks on the door. His wife answers and asks what he wants.

George declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" she yells.

"OK." says George, "I'll go tell him."

 

[Rybka]

A Blonde, A Redhead, & A Brunette - Lit. poets all

It seems these lady poets all worked together in a secretarial pool at a poem publishing company. The Brunette noticed that quite frequently the boss(another lady & PUBLISHED poet) would leave around 2:00pm and not return to work that afternoon. The Brunette mentioned this to the Redhead and the Blonde and they all decided that when this happened next they would wait a few minutwes and they too would leave for the day.

The day soon arrived and they all left to do their own thing,the Brunette went shopping ,the Redhead went to the gym and the Blonde went home for a nap.

The Blonde put her key in the door and opened it as quitely as she could because her husband worked nights and would be sleeping. She eased the door shut and thought she heard noises coming from the bedroom so she eased the bedroom door open and what a sight she saw. There was her husband making love to her boss!

She quitely closed the door and went back to work. A few days pass by and the boss leaves early again. The Brunette and the Redhead grab their purses and stop at the Blonde's desk saying, "Come on let's go."

The Blonde who is typing away just looks up and says, "I'm not going with you today, I nearly got caught last time!"

 

[Rybka]

The Difference Between Men & Women

(HOW WE SHOWER)

How Women Shower:

1).Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2).Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

3).If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

4).Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

5).Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

6).Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

7).Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

8).Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

9).Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

10).Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

11).Rinse conditioner off hair.

12).Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.

13).Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

14).Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15).Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

16).Dry with towel the size of a small country.

17).Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

18).Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head and if you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How Men Shower:

1).Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2).Walk naked to the bathroom and if you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3).Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

4).Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

5).Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits, blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

6).Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

7).Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

8).Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

9).Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower.

10).Avoid bathmat. Dry off forearms and butt only. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

11).Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

12).Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

13).Return to bedroom with towel around waist and if you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

14).Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you. Have a great day! . . . And, "Woo Woo"!!!

 

[Rybka]

Little Johnny at it again

A new teacher was trying to make use of her
psychology courses. She started her
class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're
stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid,
Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all
by yourself!"

===========================================

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who
then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
===========================================

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't
paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and
4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and
the Cartoon Network!"

===========================================

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field
trip to their local police station where they saw
pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most
wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to
a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a
wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very
badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when
you took his picture?" ==========================================

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched as his father moved from horse
to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes,
Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,
I have to make sure that they are healthy and in
good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS
guy wants to buy Mom."

 

[Rybka]

Important: Bird Flu Warning!

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield

 

[Rybka]

Very Punny!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8.. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. De ja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12 . A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13 . I went to a seafood disco last week. . . and pulled a mussel.

14 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!!

Subject: Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

 

[RhymeFairy]

Why people can't spell.
THIS SHOULD RATTLE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE

If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Pursue at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France(Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea or is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on .

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible


....

 

[Rybka]

A Lit. poet, down on her luck, answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the poetess. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The Lit. lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

 

[Rybka]

Golf Joke

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her,
explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

 

[My Erotic Tale]

'Old Fart' Test

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University.

The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a
mistake.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat


~~~~~~~~~~~

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top
down

 

[Rybka]

So You Think You Know Everything?

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of six months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar dish and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

NOW, you know everything!

 

[eagleyez]

Now I DO know everything.

lol- great levity here to foil the grey November Sunday-

not a spec of sun in sight.

but its awright, right?

 

[wildsweetone]

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

no everything's not all right. i have to go and say hello and goodbye to a dragon fly. *sad smile*

and then i'll go watch a butterfly have breakfast.





grey sky outside.
hmm, are insects resting
or hiding under leaves?
there's no wind here
this morning,
how does the sound
of a tui travel?

 

[Reltne]

"Fottle"

I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

I said, "A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"

"A folding carton."

"What do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my 'folding bucket'. . . !

 

[Rybka]

The poetess was so ugly that:

She was so ugly as a baby that when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

Her mom had to be drunk just the breast feed it.

She was born with a twin brother. . . My dad told my mom that she could keep the nicest looking one and he was going to Drown the other!!!!!. . . That's how she learned to SWIM!!!!

She's so ugly, when she walks by a bathroom, all the toilets flush.

She's so ugly, that when she went to the zoo, the guard said: "Thanks for bringing her back."

She's so ugly, when she went inside the haunted house, she came out with an application

She's so ugly, she tried to enter a Halloween contest, and the judges said: "Sorry, no professionals."

She's so ugly she must have fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch!

She's so ugly her face could stop a sun dial.

She's so ugly Dracula doesn't want her.

 

[Rybka]

A Traditional Thanksgiving

This year I am going to have a traditional New England Thanksgiving.
I am inviting everyone in the neighborhood over for a great big dinner with turkey and stuffing and the fixin's . . .



. . . Then I'm going to kill them all and steal their land!


~ (Steven Wright)

 

[Rybka]

Very Punny

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. De ja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week. . . and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!!

Subject: Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good). . .
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

 

[Rybka]

One Liners

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

~ George Burns

-------------------------

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

~ Woody Allen

----------------

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."

~ Steve Martin

 

[Rybka]

More One liners:

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like: being spanked every day by an attractive middle-aged woman. - Stuff you pay good money for, later in life."

~ Elmo Phillips

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"Being ambidextrous immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

~ Rodney Dangerfield

----------------

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

~ Lynn Lavner