More "Medicine"

[BooMerengue]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the testimonials of a few people who did...

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.

He knew better.


*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."


*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off." No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

 

[Rybka]

What hypnotism can do for your marriage!

A Lit. poetess comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Boo referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back into the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

Funeral services will be held on Saturday.

 

[Rybka]

Concerned Wife

A poet had a doctor's appointment and wanted his wife to accompany him. After the doctor examined the husband, he spoke to his wife. The doctor said, "Your husband has a life-threatening illness that needs special treament and if he doesn't get it, he could die."

The wife replied, "What is it I can do to help my husband recover?"

The doctor said:

1. Every day you must make him a good breakfast and send him off to work in a good frame of mind;

2. Fix him a healthy lunch, when he comes home at noon and give him
peace and quiet and send him back to work in a happy frame of mind;

3. When he comes home at night, fix him a wonderful meal with all his
favorite foods. Don't ask him to help with household chores and don't complain;

4. Make sure that he is satisfied sexually several times a week in order
that he is happy and contented.

When the poet and his wife were driving home, he turned to her and asked, "what did the doctor say about my check-up?"

"You're gonna die." she replied.

 

[Rybka]

More One Liners

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

* Life is a sexually transmitted desease.

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out."

* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

* Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

* Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

* If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window

* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

[Rybka]

The Coma

A Lit. poet's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we
lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me!"

 

[Rybka]

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did
you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was
walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. " Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

[BooMerengue]

How to give a cat a pill

1.Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle ! cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck,
to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning
gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of
water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air

 

[BooMerengue]

Bullfrogs & Blowjobs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She
told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a
fortune.


"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's
been trained to give blowjobs!"


"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.


"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.


The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no
more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.


When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may
never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and
pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She
ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
cookbooks.


"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.



The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone

 

[Rybka]

Old but still funny!

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick..

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once uponatime...A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

 

[Rybka]

. . . And These People Vote!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"...


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific". . .


A woman I know has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.


My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

 

[Rybka]

$20 Bills

A little old lady Lit. poet is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of
the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag!"

"SHIT!" says the little old poet lady. . . "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast." says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady of Lit. "You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a
game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady poet, "not all of them pay up. . . "

 

[Rybka]

Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a Lit. poet, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the Literotica poet and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need any porn nor bad poetry this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the Lit. poet had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

 

[Rybka]

Gotta love this judge

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case.

The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"

The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews. . . why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah. . . and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said "Obviously your client is too confused to know about, or for that matter, even celebrate the atheists' holiday!"

The ACLU lawyer pompously said "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists, just when might that be, your honor??"

The judge said "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date. . . April 1st! - April Fool's Day!"

 

[Rybka]

One liners III:

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

~ Camille Paglia

---------------

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

~ George Burns

--------------

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

~Sharon Stone

 

[Rybka]

The Perfect Man!

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just
like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like
my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that
to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on
the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's
birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to
eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and
the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good! and
never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was
always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

 

[Rybka]

Christmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 7, 2005

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. . . feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Clause! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should cost more than $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 8, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 9, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table. . . you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? - Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange; no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED!

Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 10, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food - we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty
----------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: November 11, 2005
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not! , so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 13, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party.

Happy Holidays!

 

[Rybka]

"all of a sudden passion suddenly"

A Lit. poet couple went to bed one night and immediately discovered they had left the window open and it was getting pretty cool.

He saidd, "Honey, why don't you go close the window?"
She said, "Why don't you go close it?"

They decided that the one who could recite the best impromtu poem would be honored by having the other close the window. The next few minutes passed by as they formulated their poems. It was decided he would go first.

HE:
2 + 2 is 4 and 5 makes 9.
I beg upon all fours,
Please give me sex at any old time.

She:
2 + 2 is 4 and 5 makes 9.
I know the length of yours,
but you'll never know the depth of mine.

Guess who closed the window???

 

[My Erotic Trail]

U R A Texan If:

1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita
Falls, San Antonio, Burnet, Boerne, Nacogdoches, Mexia, Waco, Amarillo,
and Waxahachie.

2. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and
look for a funnel.

3. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by
the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

6. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

7. You measure distance in minutes.

8. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding
date.

13. You have known someone who has had a belt buckle bigger than your
fist.

14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all
in the same store.

15. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol; a Ford F350 4x4 is.

17. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressin'.

18. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

19. You actually understand this and you are "fixin' to" send it to
your friends.

20. Finally, you are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this
conversation:
"You wanna coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper!"

 

[Rybka]

The Census

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.

When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty two.

And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty six.

And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty four."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

 

[Rybka]

Kid's Christmas Carols

Kids' Interpretations of Christmas Carol Lyrics


- Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly.

- We three kings of porridge and tar.

- On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me.

- Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

- He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.

- Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

- With the jelly toast proclaim.

- Olive, the other reindeer.

- Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say.

- Sleep in heavenly peas.

- In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is
sparse and brown.

- You'll go down in Listerine.

- Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay.

- O come, froggy faithful.

- You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require."

- Good tidings we bring to you and your kid.

 

[Rybka]

Census

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.

When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty two.

And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty six.

And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty four."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

 

[wildsweetone]

i thought it was really funny the first time. the second time is just as good.

 

[Rybka]

i thought it was really funny the first time. the second time is just as good.

Just trying to see if anyone was actually reading this thread. . . and paying attention!

 

[Rybka]

"Prime Cut"

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the mouth and asshole are interchangeable!

 

[wildsweetone]

Just trying to see if anyone was actually reading this thread. . . and paying attention!

i read it every day. i love it! thank you for the time and effort you take in brightening everyone's day.