More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

Banjo Jokes

What's the difference between a banjo and a . . .

Chain Saw:
A chain saw has a dynamic range.
You can turn a chain saw off.

South American Macaw:
One is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird.

Harley Davidson Motorcycle:
You can tune a Harley.

Onion:
No one cries when you cut up a banjo.

Trampoline:
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Uzi:
An Uzi only repeats forty times.

How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Eight; one to screw it in and seven to:
Complain that it's electric.
Lament about how much they miss the old one.
Complain that Earl wouldn't have done it thata-way.
Argue about what year it was made.
Argue about how much it costs.
Ask what tuning he's using.
Stand around and watch.

none: but hum a few bars and he'll fake it.

How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six: One to change it and five to keep the banjo players from hogging the light.

What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?
Drool . . .

How can you tell if the stage is level?
The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run.

What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road and a banjo player run over on the road?
You see skid marks in front of the skunk.
The skunk was on it's way to a gig.

How many banjo players does it take to eat a opossum?
Two, one to eat it & one to watch for cars.

How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
Only by their titles.

What is the definition of perfect pitch?
Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.

What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest?
A visitor.
Lost.

What are flaming guitars good for?
Lighting banjos on fire.
Kindling.

Why are banjos better than guitars?
They burn longer.

What's the best thing to play on a banjo?
A flame-thrower.

What's the best thing to play on a banjo?
Solitaire.

How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door?
They can't find the key, the knocking speeds up, and they don't know when to come in.

You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good banjo player. Who do you ask for directions?
You might as well try the cactus, the other two are figments of your imagination.

Where do banjo players play best?
In traffic.
In a galaxy far, far away.

Why are all these banjo jokes so darned simple?
That's so the banjo pickers can understand them.

 

[Rybka]

More Banjo Jokes

How do you keep a banjo player in suspense?

How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise."

What do you get when you throw a banjo or an accordion off the Empire State Building?
Who Cares?
Applause.
Satisfaction.

What do you have when you have twenty-five banjo pickers buried up to their necks in concrete?
Not enough concrete.

What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What will you never say about a banjo player?
That's the banjo player's Porsche.

How can you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle?
Shine a light in his ears.

Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
They make great anchors!

Why did the kayaker take up the banjo?
They make good paddles.

Why did the picker leave his banjo on the dashboard?
So he could park in the handicap zone.

Why did the banjo player cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

What is the difference between a banjo player and a prune?
Their color of course.

How can you tell a herd of banjo players from a bunch of grapes?
Jump up and down on them . . . If you get wine, you've got grapes.

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo.
He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."

What's the best or fastest way to tune a banjo?
With wirecutters.

Which one of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles, AIDS, Banjo Players?
Measles--you can get rid of the Measles.

What should you do if you run over a banjo?
Back up.

When do banjo songs sound the best?
When they're over.

Listener: Can you read music?
Banjo player: Not enough to hurt my playing.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve banjo players here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.
"Give me a beer, and I'll have a picker for my 'gator."

A banjo player walked into a bar . . .
another banjo player walked into the bar . . .
you'd think the second banjo player would have seen what happened to the first banjo player and ducked!

The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, Ol' Saint Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos, and such, Saint Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the banjo player will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time…)

"Hot Dang," the Pope says to His-Self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!"

They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with old Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the Pontiff his best.

The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that banjo player-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"

Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first banjo picker to make it up here!!"

 

[bluerains]

pagan humor

A litter of new-born kittens...

A fundamentalist preacher was taking a walk one day and happened upon a
young girl who was playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got
closer he could see that in the box was a litter of new-born kittens.

"What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.
"Why, they're Christian kittens," replied the little girl.

The preacher walked on, pleased to see that the little girl had Jesus
foremost in her thoughts.

A few days latter the preacher saw the little girl again.

"And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" asked the man of
God.
"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're Pagan kittens," replied the
girl.
"But...but... I thought you said last week that they were Christian
kittens," sputtered the flabbergasted preacher.
"Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open."

 

[BooMerengue]

For da fish!

 

[Rybka]

Out of the mouths . . .

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular
Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

 

[bluerains]

omg..this is way bad...

Brokeback Wyoming

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain,Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going
to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw
and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5
pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape-nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks,
"Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

 

[Rybka]

3 little old Lit. ladies . . .

Three ornery old Lit. ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home for eldery poets when an old poet walked by. One old poetess said, "We bet we can tell how old you are."

The old man replied, "There's almost no way you can guess that."

Another old Lit. poetess said, "Sure we can! Just drop your underwear and we can tell your exact age."

He dropped his pants and pulled down his underwear.

The old Lit. ladies stared at him for a while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 84 years old!"

The old poet was stunned. "Amazing! How did you! guess that?"

The old lady poets laughed, slapped their knees and grinned from ear to ear. All three happily cackled, in unison,

"You told us yesterday!"​

 

[Rybka]

Amy, a blonde Lit. poetess, marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one... right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me, Little Lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on . . . "

 

[Rybka]

'Womb' or not?

Aunty Muse was sitting at a table in a bar.
Four Literotica writers sat around a nearby table.
One of the authors said, "I think it's spelled 'WOOM'."

Another said, "No. There's a 'B' at the end. It's 'WOOMB'."

The third writer said, "Uh, uh, it's spelled 'WOOMMBB'."

The fourth man, a poet, said, "No, there's and 'R' sound in it, it's spelled 'WOOMMBBR'."


Aunty Muse could take no more.
She walked over to the table and announced, "For your information, it's spelled 'WOMB'," and walked out of the bar.

The four Lit. writers looked at each other.
One of them asked, "Do you think she's right?"

Another asked, "Nah, what does a woman like that know. She probably never even heard an elephant fart!"

 

[My Erotic Trail]

laughing my ass off...

'thanks rybka, I needed a laugh,
I think of aunty muse as being the teacher in...
"teaching mrs. tingle" <grin

she actually gives me a new perspective on pompuss intelligence
any way...I wrote this, after a friend told me the joke in another fashion, I felt it could be inproved on and figured this was a good place to place it.

"cut it off"
the man said
to his doctor

"I don't want a cock...
no more!"

"surgery can make
a man a woman."
Say the Doctor

"Perfect," the man replied
"now all I need...
is a lesbian lover."

 

[Rybka]

L(a)unch

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Texan Lit. author were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building in Houston. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The Texan Lit. poet opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The Lit. poet opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Lit. writer's wife.

The Lit. writer's wife said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunch!

 

[Rybka]

Never Bet Against a Poet!

The Lit. poet arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by his attorney.

Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that? Poets are supposed to be poor!

Before the attorney could speak, the poet replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said the poet. "How about a demonstration?"

The IRS official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

The Lit. poet said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

The poet removed his glass eye, put it in his mouth, and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped. The poet said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell he wasn't dealing with a blind poet, so he took the bet.

The poet then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!

"Want to go double or nothing?" The Literotica poet asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and pee into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt. The wastebasket was almost 15 feet away, so he agreed again!

The poet climbed up on the taxman's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that the poet's attorney looked ashen and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked the lawyer.

The attorney replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, he bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it."

 

[Rybka]

St. Paddy's Day jokes

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy from Dublin was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He! Quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" Asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" Replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Walking into the bar, Paddy said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah! ?"said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Paddy replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charlie, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"

 

[Rybka]

Miltary and aviation wisdom

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General Macarthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.! "
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper once."
- Anonymous
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death . I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- >From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."

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"Never trade luck for skill."

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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?",
"Where are we?"
and "Oh S...!"
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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

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"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

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"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

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"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

 

[Rybka]

Chicken & Horse

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. (Never mind why they're playing in a meadow, or what kind of games a horse and a chicken might be playing in that meadow, just trust me - they're playing in a meadow, OK?)

The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again (STOP asking questions and play along!) and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up."

The chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

 

[Rybka]

Gold Commode

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal too, but I wouldn't do something that self-induligible!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary during her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

 

[Rybka]

3 one-liners

1 Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A. Marry her.


2 Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

A. When his hand caught on fire.


3 Q. What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

 

[Rybka]

One stormy winter night Angeline and EE are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. . .

EE gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the blowing snow of a down-east blizzard, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says EE, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked Angeline.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and there is a nor-easter howling outside!"

Angeline said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him. . . And you should be ashamed of yourself!"

EE does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the raging storm. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the our Maine poet.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks EE.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

 

[Rybka]

Sexual Harassment Complaint

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a Lit. poetess standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the poetess can't stand it anymore, and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The poetess replies, "It's Art the dwarf."

 

[Rybka]

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs forbreakfast. He walks in and
asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have at it.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"


She says, "The egg timer's broken!"

 

[Rybka]

Senility Test

"Test for Senility - OK poets! It's that time of year to take your annual senior citizen test."

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so. . . below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and. . . Begin.

WELL, MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!


1. What do you put in a toaster?





Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

***

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?






Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.

***

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?






Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?? If you said "glass," then! Go on to Question 4.

***

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man’s land"?





Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors," then proceed to the next question.

***

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What
was the name of the bus driver?






Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

 

[My Erotic Trail]

Maude and Mildred, senior citizens, went to a movie theatre. Unknowing that it was a porn movie.

"Maude, Maude!" Mildred whispered during the movie slightly alarmed.

"What?'

"The guy next to me is masterbating." Mildred said.

"We must move." Maude said.

"We can't" cried Mildred.

"Why not?" asked Maude.

"Because he is using my hand!"

 

[Rybka]

Kite Flying

On a beautiful spring Texas morn, Art was in his back yard trying to fly a kite.

He threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earch. Art tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife was watching him from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything!

She opened the window and yelled to Art, "You need a piece of tail." Art turned with a confused look on his face and said to her, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

 

[Rybka]

A Night of Great Sex!

A Lit. poet was chatting online with another poet and he wrote, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

The other Lit. poet typed, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have a night of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

So the first poet did just that.

The next day in the chatroom his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in the morning!"

 

[Rybka]

A middle aged Lit. poetess had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.


Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"? God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."


Upon recovery, the poetess decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.


After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.


Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?"


God replied, "Girrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"