More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

NEW Scam!!

Scammers and Sams Club!

A heads' up for you and any friends you have who may be regular Samm's Club customers.

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get the family's groceries has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it could not happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is almost impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and
instead ask you for a ride to another Sams Club. You then agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen April 4th, April 9th . . .
twice on the 15th and again just yesterday . . .
and very likely this upcoming weekend.

 

[bluerains]

*****

---------------------------

The following is an actual question given on
University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that
the
professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet,
which is of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as
well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law,
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or
some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell
and the rate they
are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it
will
not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are
entering Hell, lets look at the different religions
that exist in the
world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member
of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and
since people do
not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all souls go to
Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look
at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume
of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell
will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster
than the increase
of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa
Banyan during my
Freshman year that "...it will be a cold day in Hell
before I give you
my number" and take into account the fact that I still
have not
succeeded in aquiring her number, then 2 cannot be
true, and thus I am
sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A".

 

[Rybka]

Originally posted by land in 2002 in "The Best medicine" thread.

Johnny's dad walks into the bathroom and sees Johnny scrubbing
his dick with a toothbrush.

His dad says what the hell are you doing!

Johnny says "there's no way I'm getting a cavity like my sister"

 

[Rybka]

Starch

Originally posted by Rybka in 2002 in "The Best medicine" thread.

Starch

An old man and his grandson are enjoying the sunshine in the back yard. The
boy spots a worm sticking its nose out of the ground and he pulls it out. His
grandfather is annoyed at him and says: "You shouldn't have done that. Now
that worm is exposed and will die or be eaten by a bird." The kid is crestfallen
and so the grandfather tells him that he'll give him a dollar if he can figure out
a way to get the worm back into the ground. The kid thinks for a minute and
runs off to the house. He returns carrying a can of spray-starch. He holds up
the worm and sprays it with the starch, then shoves the worm back into its
hole and collects his dollar.

The next morning the boy is playing out in the yard. His grandfather comes up
to him and hands him another ten dollars and says:
"That's from your grandmother."

 

[Rybka]

Vaseline

Originally posted by Rybka in 2002 in "The Best medicine" thread.


There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper and not having much luck.

One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner. "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."

"Well," says the seller, "its pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and its going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike, I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, yo can have it." And he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). Who isn't!?!?

That night, he decided to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parent's house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's hand, "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who
says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Hundreds of dirty dishes piled up along the stairs, dirty dishes everywhere. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table.

Still, no one says a word. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom, who was quite attractive, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window, and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts, "All right, all right! , I'll do the damn dishes."

 

[Rybka]

A Literotica poet in Texas took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull was mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See . . . He mated 50 times last year . . . once-a-week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull was mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This was bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The Lit. poet looked at his wife and said, "Go over and ask them if it was
with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more
surgeries he will likely be okay.

 

[Rybka]

Quote of the Day

Originally posted by beths-virtue in 2002 in "The Best medicine" thread.

Women's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like a fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age
until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

 

[Rybka]

Cinderella

Originally posted by Rybka in 2002 in "The Best medicine" thread.

Cinderella

Cinderella wants to attend the Halloween ball but her wicked
stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden,
her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella
with everything she needs to go to the ball. As usual there are
two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's
the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later
and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour
comes and goes and Cinderella does not show up. Finally, at 5
a.m. Cinderella shows up looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your
diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power!. What was his
name?"

"I can't remember exactly... Peter, Peter, something or other..."

 

[Rybka]

Sperm Jar

Originally posted by Rybka in 2002 in "The Best medicine" thread.

Sperm Jar

90 year old Henry went to the Dr. for a check up and was pronounced very healthy for his age, but on the way out he asked the Dr for a sperm test.

The Dr. was amazed, but old Henry insisted, he wanted to prove to his wife that he "still had it". So the Dr. gave old Henry a jar and told him to bring it back later.

A few hours later, a dejected old Henry came into the Dr's office
carrying the empty jar. The Dr. asked what had happened and old Henry said,

"Well, I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left hand...My wife, she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand. She tried with her teeth in and she tried with her teeth out… and neither one of us can get the lid off this damn jar!"

 

[Rybka]

The Wife's Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

 

[Rybka]

Sexual Quotes

Originally posted by Land in 2002 in "The Best medicine" thread.
HEHEHE

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." ... Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." .... Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night." .... Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." .... Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ... Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." .... George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationships." .... Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." ... Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." . . . Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." ... Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." .... Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ... Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." .... Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" .... Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
.... Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." .... Rod Steward

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time." .... Robin Williams

 

[Rybka]

Puns

Originally posted by Land in 2002 in "The Best medicine" thread.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? How about Quasimodo?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

[Rybka]

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

Originally posted by beth's-virtue in 2002 in "The Best medicine" thread.
evil joke list

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of Clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

 

[Rybka]

Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director."

 

[Rybka]

A nun was waiting to cross the street when a soldier ran up to her and asked to hide under her skirt. With a shocked look, she asked why on earth he would want to do that. The soldier very desperately responded that he would tell her in just a minute, but please let him hide under there for just a short time.

The nun agreed and a few seconds later 2 military policeman came around the corner and asked her if she had seen a soldier. She replied that she had indeed and pointed down the block. After the military police took off in search of the soldier, the soldier come out from under her skirt, looking very relieved. The nun asked him why he had to hide. The soldier said that he had to hide because he didn't want to go to Iraq.

The soldier then thanked the nun and told her she had a very nice pair of legs under there, to which she replied, "Thank you, but if you would have looked a little higher, you would have seen a very nice pair of balls, I don't want to go to Iraq, either!"

 

[Rybka]

Internet Headlines of 2056

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 142; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2056.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservativ.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January, 2058.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

 

[Rybka]

Tonto and The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.""


"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.


The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Tonto?"


Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb ass. Someone has stolen tent."

 

[Rybka]

The Wongs

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings to them a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy!


"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"


The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says . . .


"Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

 

[Rybka]

Tailgating

An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection.

As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the Choose Life license plate holder, the What Would Jesus Do bumper sticker, the Follow Me to Sunday School bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. "Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

[Rybka]

Another Old Groaner

Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Toward and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Toward and Away.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Toward hooked into a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away . . . "

 

[Rybka]

Brewster

Whitey was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Whitey kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Whitey's time so Whitey got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Whitey could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.


Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


Whitey's favorite rooster was old Brewster, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Whitey noticed old Brewster's bell hadn't rung at all!

Whitey went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Whitey's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.


Whitey was so proud of Brewster, he entered him in the county fair . . . and Brewster became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result. . . The judges not only awarded Brewster the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet-surprise" as well.

 

[Rybka]

Negative People

Here is an "Oldie" from the original "The Best medicine" thread. This thread ran from 9/1/02 to 10/25/02 and its main contributors were land (who started it), beth's-virtue, and I. It is because of this thread that I started the one you are now reading on 9/23/02 because the original went on hiatus for awhile after 9/12/02 and I didn't know how to find it. But I do now so I did!



This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are
you getting there?"

"We're taking United." was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight
attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant Well, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only >were we on time in one of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the AWFUL hairdo?"

 

[Rybka]

The river

Three Lit. poets were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first poet prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof!
God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second Lit. poet prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third Lit. poet prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross river."

Poof!
He was turned into a Lit. poetess. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

 

[Rybka]

Lemon juice

An old Lit poet moved into a retirement community where good-looking, eligible men were at a premium.

After he had been there for a week he went to confession and said, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. Last week I had my way with seven different Lit. poetesses."

The priest said, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replied the priest, "but it'll wipe that grin off your face."

 

[Rybka]

It could always be worse . . .

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice - even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing, it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Judith


PS : Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer.


I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.