More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

Sunday Sex

A Lit. poet wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The poet thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The poet replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

 

[Rybka]

. . . at the Old Poet's Home

Two old lady poets are outside their nursing home having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One old poetess pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues to smoke. The other elderly author, Boo asks, "What in hell is that?"

Maria answers, "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

"Where did you get it?" Boo wants to know.

Maria tells her, " You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Boo hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

Boo snaps, "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a camel."

 

[Rybka]

Strengthen your Muse ~ Poetic Exercise

Say the word COW before each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Poet
5 - Idiot
6 - This
7 - Got
8 - I
9 - Long
10 - How
11 - Look
12 - Just

Now say the word COW After each word

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Poet
5 - Idiot
6 - This
7 - Got
8 - I
9 - Long
10 - How
11 - Look
12 - Just

Now say the word COW before AND after each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Poet
5 - Idiot
6 - This
7 - Got
8 - I
9 - Long
10 - How
11 - Look
12 - Just

Now read just the words upwards from the bottom.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Poet
5 - Idiot
6 - This
7 - Got
8 - I
9 - Long
10 - How
11 - Look
12 - Just

 

[Rybka]

The Redneck Church

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.


3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a 56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya heah".

 

[My Erotic Trail]

I had a visit this morning from a good friend who has asked that we enter the McDonald's Classic Bass Tournament at Sam Rayburn this month (21st)<grin You on the tournament circuit? Also thanks for the comment 'growing thoughts' <grin...

Fishing with Scooby-Do
by My Erotic Tale ©

Fishing with Scooby-Do

The jig is up
the fishing's down
nine men sitting
all around

I walked up
and said, "How do?"
then began fishing
with my Scooby-do

Knee slappin' laughs
and breathless gasps
as I continued
to reel and cast

"Ain't that for kids"
one bloke bloked
"My young'uns got one"
another joked.

It was two foot long
old, not new
kid color purple
and Scooby-do

Then the pole bent
all eyes were glue
the line jerked more
splashing water strew

"Lucky" they said
till my stringer grew
catching more fish
with my Scooby-do

"What kinda lure
you got there,"
I just smiled
casting thru the air

Ten men fishing
but I was the only one
who caught fish
when the day was done

I went fishing
the very next day
I didn't receive
any wordy play

Every one had
fishing poles new
yep, they was fishing
with Scooby-dos

...and Snoopys too!

 

[Rybka]

The Lonely Brain Cell ~ one for the ladies

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

"We're down here ..."

 

[Rybka]

Trooper Pursuit

A Lit. poet was traveling West bound on a turnpike when a State Trooper began to follow him and noticed the vehicle swerving and weaving within its lane.

The Trooper decides to stop the vehicle and activates his overhead emergency lights, but the vehicle does not stop, instead gaining excessive speed.

The Trooper activates his siren to get the driver’s attention, but the vehicle continues driving. The Trooper announces he is in a vehicle pursuit and requests assistance from local police.

Finally, the driver notices all of the other Police units and stops. After the Trooper handcuffs the poet he tells him in an angry strong voice,” I have been behind you trying to stop you for several miles”.

Next, the Trooper asked him, “Why didn’t you stop when I initially activated my overhead lights?” The poet replied saying,” My wife left me for a State Trooper, I didn't stop because I thought that you were him trying to bring her back!”.

The poet was released without further incident.

 

[Rybka]

Going to the Doctor

The old poet in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the
couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the
unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to
get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says,
"Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,
I'm getting a tetanus shot."

 

[Rybka]

Golf Club Instructions

Here is a sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:



1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE. . . WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.




"WELL DONE!"


"NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF!"

 

[Rybka]

Blame the Dog!

A young Lit. poet was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young poet realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the poet let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply.

"I've got it made." thought the Lit. poet to himself. "One more and I'll feel fine."So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

 

[Rybka]

two bits worth of silence

As a Lit. poetess was offering a quarter to convince her 6 year old to be good she said, "Why can't you be good for nothing like your father?"

 

[Rybka]

1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala poetry event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely idealistic lady poets in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young poetess looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The poetess, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the lady poet said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[Last_Kiss]

Just imagine...

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

[Rybka]

Grandmother Knows Everything. . . ?

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother, a long time Literotica reader and erotic poem poster, for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK." and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!". . . "and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!"

 

[wildsweetone]

PERFECT LIFE CYCLE (AUTHOR UNKNOWN)

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get in the end of it?
A death.
What's that,
a bonus?

I think the life cycle
is all backwards.

(1)
You should die first,
you know, start out dead,
get it out of the way.
You wake up in a an old age home,
feeling better every day.

(2)
You get kicked out for being too healthy,
go collect your pension,
then, when you start work,
you get a gold watch
on your first day.

(3)
You work 40 years until you're young enough
to enjoy your retirement
You drink alcohol,
you party,
you're generally promiscuous
(hey, you've only got
a few years left,
what's the big deal?!?)
and you get ready
for High School.
(4)
Then you go to primary school,
you become a kid,
you play,
you have no responsibilities, and, finally,
you become a baby;

(5)
The last step,
you spend your last 9 months
floating peacefully
with luxuries like
central heating,
spa,
room service on tap, larger quarters everyday,
and then

You finish off as an orgasm!

 

[Last_Kiss]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

 

[Rybka]

An elderly Lit. poetess finished
her annual physical examination,
whereupon the doctor said, "You are
in fine shape for your age, but tell me,
do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my
husband," she said. She went out
to the reception room and said:
"Jake do we still have intercourse?"

Jake answered impatiently,
"I've told you a thousand times . . .
We have Blue Cross!"

 

[Rybka]

"man smart. . . but the woman is. . . "

Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, and he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a poetry reading where he spotted the most beautiful poetess he had ever seen. Her natural beauty and skill with words took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the poetess went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.



Women are so much smarter than men

 

[Rybka]

The Anniversary

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him, and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember." said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to Jail for 20 years'?"

"I remember that too." she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,

"I would have gotten out today."

 

[Rybka]

Punny, Very Punny!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it, too.

-=-

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!


-=-

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and
reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The
lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers
cramp.

-=-

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in
his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,
"I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later
and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter,
"What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate
like chrome for the hollandaise!"

-=-

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[Rybka]

Adam and Eve

Here is an "Oldie" from the original "The Best medicine" thread. This thread ran from 9/1/02 to 10/25/02 and its main contributors were land (who started it), beth's-virtue, and I. It is because of this thread that I started the one you are now reading on 9/23/02 because the original went on hiatus for awhile after 9/12/02 and I didn't know how to find it. But I do now so I did!

Originally posted by beths-virtue in 2002 in "The Best medicine" thread.

Adam and Eve

Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.
"Adam."
"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.
"Where did Adam and Eve live?"
"Eden."
That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.
"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"
"Mmm, that IS a hard one."
"Enter."

 

[Rybka]

New Potato Exercise

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on some of my younger, as well as older friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Stage 1: Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sack.

Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift
100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Stage 2: After you feel confident at the 100-lb potato sack level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

 

[Rybka]

Male Whale

Originally posted by beths-virtue in 2002 in "The Best medicine" thread.


One day, a pod of whales was swimming along when a whaling vessel came along and captured the teeniest baby whale of them all. Angered, the dominant male whale got beneath the boat and began blowing through his blowhole until the boat capsized, throwing the sailors overboard. At this point, the other whales starting chanting.
"Eat them! Eat them!"

But this is where the male whale drew the line -- he'd blow sailors, but he wouldn't swallow seamen.

 

[Rybka]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells
back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,looks around and yells back,
"Ma, There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma, Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"

 

[Rybka]

A Perennial Problem

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is being considered a major break-through and will solve a perennial problem.


The perennial problem: Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.