More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

A Male Perspective

The Lit. poet couple go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The poetess shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The poet thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday I golf.

 

[Rybka]

Sweet-Jesus!

A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly did not know how to do it.

Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch!", he yelled.

The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."

"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!", he yelled again.

"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."

"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset,something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me!'".

So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped.

He started to say "Son...", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me!" At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.

The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

 

[Rybka]

Human Interest Story

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story.

Being from Arkansas, he decided to go into the back country to do his research. He went to an old farm house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the resident, who turned out to be an elderly Lit. Poet, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The old poet thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all had sex with it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"

After another moment, the Lit. poet said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor’s wife, a good looking woman, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said, "I can't print that either. OK then, how about this? Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"

The old poet dropped his head as if he were ashamed. After a few seconds, he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

 

[Rybka]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A Lit. poetess walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies." He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females." he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"




He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

[Rybka]

Chicken Soup For The Beer Drinker

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is! better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

~ Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

~Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

~ Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

~ Stephen Wright



"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

~ Brian O'Rourke



"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

~ Benjamin Franklin



"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

~ Dave Barry



BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 BC

 

[Rybka]

The Birds And The Bees

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the ‘There's no Santa’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There's no Easter Bunny' speech." When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There's no tooth fairy’ speech."

"If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

 

[Rybka]

True or Not . . . Still Funny

Actual radio transcript released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Station #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Station #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.

Station #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Station #2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Station #1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

Station #2. This is the Puget Sound lighthouse. It's your call.

 

[Rybka]

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.

My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiance' and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Literotica poet?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

 

[Rybka]

3 engineers

There were 3 engineers driving down the road and suddenly, the car's engine dies.

One of the engineers, a chemical engineer suggested that they check the fuel system to determine if the correct fuel/air mixture is present.

Another of the engineers, an electrical engineer suggested that they pull a spark plug and crank the engine and see if the plugs are getting a spark.

The third engineer, a software engineer from Microsoft suggested that they all get out of the car, walk around, get back in and try again.

 

[Rybka]

Be Careful Who is Watching

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked
their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At
the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched as they
checked her meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an
older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck,
they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right
behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

"When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were," gasped the woman,
"I figured I'd better run too!"

 

[Rybka]

Pay Attention!

First year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the "posterior" of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

 

[Rybka]

Computers - Masculine or Feminine?

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil is masculine - "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer.'?

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later review; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had only waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

[Rybka]

That'll Fix 'im!

An old Lit. poet and poetesswere married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old poet would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the
many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old poet liked the fact he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The poetess put down her drink and said, "Let the old fart dig. I had him buried upside down!"

 

[Rybka]

Let OLD GUYS ENLIST!

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country. But, I'm well over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.


You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me . . . er . . . one."

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old men with attitudes.

 

[Rybka]

Chicken or Egg?

A chicken & an egg were lying in bed. The chicken, looking very satisfied, lights a cigarette & smiles.

The egg, looking somewhat upset, gabs the sheet, rolls over, & says, "Hmph . . . Well, I guess we've answered THAT question."

 

[Rybka]

Watch Out For Grandma!

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

 

[Rybka]

Lit. Poetesses

Three poets were traveling and happened to meet in a bar at a writers’ convention. One man wrote novels, one wrote short stories and one was a Literotica poet. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The novelist began by saying "I told my wife clearly that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing, but on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and she had prepared a wonderful dinner with wine and even dessert!”

Then the short story writer spoke up "I sat my wife down and told her that from now on she would have to do all the grocery shopping and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But the third day, when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries."


The Lit. poet was married to a Literotica poetess. He sat up straight on the barstool, pushed out his chest and said. "I gave my wife a stern look and told her that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and house cleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye.

 

[Rybka]

Clever Girl

A young Lit. author and college student was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her college class. The instructions were that it
had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one in class who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"​

.

 

[cherries_on_snow]

If she received an A+ for that, I'd say the mystery was solved. Now THAT'S potent teaching. ;-D

 

[Rybka]

The Three Pigs

This is purportedly a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused . . . then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?"

After a short seat squirming pause one little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the man would have said: 'Well, fuck me! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to continue for the next 10 minutes.

 

[Rybka]

The Headache

An old one coming around again.

The Headache

The doctor said, "Art, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."

Art was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit for a new life!"

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."

Art laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Art tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Art admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Art thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Art and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Art was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Art tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Art adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Art was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Art's feet and said, "Let's see . . . 10-1/2 D."

Art was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Art tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.!

Art walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Art thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Art's waist and said, "Let's see . . . size 38."

Art laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old!"

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

 

[Rybka]

Three student psychiatrists

Three aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," replied the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

 

[Rybka]

Tough Cowboys

Three cowboys, one from Colorado, one from Montana and one from Texas were sitting around a campfire discussing who was the toughest.

The Colorado cowboy says: "just the othe day I was riding the trail and came across this 8 foot rattler. Well he didn't scare me none. I just picked him up, tied him in a knot, drank the poison and then skinned him and ate him for supper."

The Montana cowboy says: "well, the other day I was at the rodeo and I was ridin' this big mean 'ol bull. He threw me up gored me and then stomped me in the chest. I just hopped right back up and rode that bull for the whole 8 seconds."

The Texas cowboy just smiles and continued stirring the coals of the fire with his penis.

 

[Rybka]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather cost. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure . . . go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them sn offer, but just offer $1,800,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room look at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

[Rybka]

Lifesavers

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders
using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and lavor. The children began to say:

"Red.................. cherry,"
"Yellow.............. lemon,"
"Green............... lime,"
"Orange............. orange."

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "They're ASSHOLES! Everybody, spit them out!"