More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

A young guy moves to Florida and goes to a big "Everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.

"Then I sold him a medium fish hook.

"Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

"Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

"Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said, 'Down at the coast.' So I told him he was gonna need a boat. So we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.' "

 

[Rybka]

Tgif

An editor got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a Literotica poetess already inside who greeted him With a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The Lit. poetess was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The editor smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated poetess finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The editor answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

 

[Rybka]

A Cautionary Tale

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job"

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've been thinking . . . "

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip a quifer. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed . . . easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.



Today I took the final step . . . I joined the Democratic Party*


* = feel free to insert your own political preference,

 

[BooMerengue]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

 

[Rybka]

Father-In-Law

Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoos, and pierced nose.
I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not
have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. But after all, you can't learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law.




P.S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery

 

[Rybka]

100 years ago


This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1906. One hundred years ago! ;
What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. (Wish they still were.)

With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the [color=#80]Eiffel[/color] Tower!


The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.


More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education.
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools,
many of which were condemned in the press and
by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.





Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.


Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:

1. Pneumonia and Influenza
2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea

4. Heart disease 5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.


Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, a nd Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of
Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. (Not sure we have improved on this one.)

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores! Back then pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking!)

Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.


There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years. It staggers the mind.

 

[Rybka]

Sometimes it Pays to be old!

An elderly poet couple, who were childhood sweethearts, had married, and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Pam."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.

There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe Jack, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Pam and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

 

[Rybka]

Doing A Favor

A Lit. lady poet was driving about two hours from Busch Gardens when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to Tampa?"

"Sure am." answered the poetess, "Do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to go to the Busch Gardens Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to." said the Lit. lady cheerfully. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the poetess’ car and carefully strapped in with their seat belts.

Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of Tampa when suddenly he was horrified!!

There was the poetess walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the lady of Literotica. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the poetess, “But we had money left over . . . so we had lunch and went to the movies!!!”

 

[Rybka]

One day while driving home in the pouring rain, a Lit. poet got a flat tire outside of a monastery. A brother came out and invited the poet inside to have dinner and to spend the night. The stranded Literotica guru gladly accepted the monk's offer.

That evening the poet had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef.

Entering the kitchen, the poet asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?"

"No," the chef replied, "I'm the chip monk."

 

[Rybka]

The Drowning Woman

Standing at the edge of the bay, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A nearby Literotica writer ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The Lit. author dove into the water. With powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the writer said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The Lit. author reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

 

[Rybka]

How Things Get Done In Chicago

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from Chicago, another from Kentucky, and the third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went.

First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900.... $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Kentucky contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700.... $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the Chicago contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, "$2700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," says the contractor from Chicago, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Kentucky.

 

[Rybka]

Boots

Art always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice Anything different about me?"

She looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Art storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked, except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"

His wife looks up and says, "No Art. What's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Art yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which his wife replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Art. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[Rybka]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax, OH MY...!"

Then silence.

Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

 

[Rybka]

The Confessional

Pat enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.



"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I''d rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I''d rather not say," says Pat.

So the priest gives him absoultion and Pat leaves. While leaving the church, Pat's friend Dennis asks if he recieved absolution. "Yes, and two very good leads!" Pat replies.

 

[Rybka]

For Sale By Owner:

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition.

$1,000 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married last month.

Wife knows everything.

 

[Rybka]

The 911 Call

Bobbey Ann passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"

 

[Rybka]

Bobbitt Update

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.


She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with . . .






(scroll down)

Misdewiener​

OH, don't groan . You know darn well you're going to tell this one to somebody!

 

[Rybka]

Oh, dat Boudreaux

Boudreaux took Marie home with him and took off his shirt. Marie said, "Boudreaux dat's some chest you have dare."

Boudreaux says, "Marie, dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite!"

Next he took off his pants. Marie says, "Boudreaux dat's nice calves you have dare."

Boudreaux says, "Marie dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite!"

Boudreaux quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Marie screamed and ran out the door. Boudreaux put his clothes back on and ran after her.

Catching her, Boudreaux said "Marie, Why you ran out like dat?"

Marie said, "With all dat dynamite around, I taught it was going to explode when I saw how short da fuse was!!!"

 

[Rybka]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive and well endowed, blonde Literotica poetess arrives and bets twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Poetry girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed . . . "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all Lit. poetesses are stupid and not all blondes are dumb . . .

but all men are men.

 

[Rybka]

A Parent's Dictionary

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to be loving again.

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you only on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO_MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

 

[Rybka]

A Lesson for Those Who Would Argue

Once upon a time, there was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn when he happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. It had been hours since his last meal and he was feeling hunger pains, so he flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to "pig out".

He ate and ate....and then... he ate some more!!! Finally, he decided he'd had plenty, He washed his face with his tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas... he had eaten far too much and could not get off the ground.

Wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation, he looked around and spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall... He'd found a solution!!

He realized if he could just climb up that handle and jump off to get airborne he'd be able to fly again.

So he painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, he took a deep breath, spread his tiny wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

He dropped like a rock and splattered all over the ground.

Dead Fly.​

What is the moral of this sad story?

"Never fly off the handle when you are full of SHIT!"​

 

[Rybka]

A drunken poet sat down next to a Priest on a public conveyance and started reading the paper. After numerous minutes he put the paper down and asked the Priest what caused arthritis.

Not wanting to miss an opportunity to turn someone's life around, the Priest indicated it was probably caused by sinful activities like drinking too much amongst other things.

The drunken poet was quiet for several minutes and finally the Priest asked the drunk why he had ask such a question.

The poet picked up the paper, pointed, and said, "According to this, it is what the Pope has."

 

[Rybka]

Cop under fire

If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this Cop was.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's best comeback line and we think he'll win.

 

[BooMerengue]

Hiya Rybby, baby! Here's one for you!!


During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students,

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee." He replied.

"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you, Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right
back." Peter replied.

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once
and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to
meet after supper."

The teacher fainted!

 

[Rybka]

Instructions on how to clean your Toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noise
that comes from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and
rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are
no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely, The Dog