More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

The Pharmacist

Upon arriving home, a Literotica poet was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully, she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the Lit. poet drove downtown to confront the druggist, and demand an apology. Before he could say more then a word or two, the druggist said, "Now just a minute! Listen to my side of it . . . This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house and car keys were inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast 'cause I was late, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there were a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened, and started waiting on these people. All the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook!

Then I had to break open a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. That made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up. When I finally got to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a RECTAL thermometer.

And believe me Mister, as God is my witness . . . All I did was tell her!"

 

[Rybka]

In a crowd in Houston. at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the stept, only to discover that she couldn't! .

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan poet who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

Art smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."

 

[Rybka]

Drunk Again!

A good-ol'-boy in Texas, who shall go unnamed, (Except that we will just call him "Art" for the story's sake.) staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painfully.

Managing to suppress a yelp, Art sprang up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then he managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box as best he could, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

Morning, Art awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the broken glass shards at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly . . . It's all those band aids stuck all over the downstairs mirror!"

 

[Rybka]

Taxi Drivers

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidwalk, and stopped inches from a store window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,

"Look friend, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 10 years."

 

[Rybka]

The Correct Way To Call The Police

A Texas poet was going up to bed when his wife told him that from the bedroom window she'd seen someone sneaking around the yard. Art took one look and then he phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

And when he said, "No." They t hen said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his doors and windows and an officer would be along when available.

The poet said, "Okay." hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there was someone in my yard. Well, you don't have to worry about him now 'cause I've just shot him and his damn dog dead!" Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the poet’s residence. Of course, the police caught the peeping pervert red handed.

One of the Policemen said to the poet, "I thought you said that you'd shot him?"

Art replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[My Erotic Trail]

A Texas poet was going up to bed when his wife told him that from the bedroom window she'd seen someone sneaking around the yard. Art took one look and then he phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

And when he said, "No." They t hen said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his doors and windows and an officer would be along when available.

The poet said, "Okay." hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there was someone in my yard. Well, you don't have to worry about him now 'cause I've just shot him and his damn dog dead!" Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the poet’s residence. Of course, the police caught the peeping pervert red handed.

One of the Policemen said to the poet, "I thought you said that you'd shot him?"

Art replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

laughing my ass off <grin
only difference between me and the poet is I don't call the police,(takes the Sheriff's Dept. about an hour to get out to where I live <grin) I feed them to the gators <grin then go polish my badge <lol>

hey, me and the boy (7 yrs old) went fishing this morn and caught 12 crappie (the keepers) in about 30 minutes. I think we caught 20 something total. It was a good morning.

 

[Rybka]

Bill and Hillary

During the last Democratic administration Bill and Hillary were at a Yankee's Game; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to Bill. First Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.

The agent then said, "Mr. President, it was an unanimous request from the owner of the team down to the bat boy."

What really gets Bill going is when the agent tells him the fans would love it!

So Bill just shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that is what the people want."

Then Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong . . . The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the FIRST PITCH!"

 

[Rybka]

The correct way for a Literotica poet to come home drunk!!

Two married Lit. poets are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

His fellow poet, married much longer, looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, piss hard into the toilet, use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, "WHO'S HORNY???" and she acts like she's sound asleep.

It Works Every Time!!!

 

[Rybka]

An Older Poet Couple . . .

An older poet couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he eached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth . . . !!"

 

[Rybka]

Of Men and Woe-men

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal, evil thing I could do to him."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own so does she.

(Of course . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!


WIFE VS HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


BEAST

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me." "So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

 

[Rybka]

"Little Johnny" strikes again

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted . . .

 

[Rybka]

For MET

LATEST POLLING IN TEXAS SHOWS:

1.) Forty-three percent of all TEXANS say that immigration is a serious problem.

2.) The other fifty-seven percent said, "No hablo inglés!"

 

[Rybka]

Some "Poetess" Quickies

1. What do you do if a Lit. poetess throws a grenade at you? ~ Pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back.

2. What did the Lit. poetess say after looking into a bag of cheerios” ~ "Oh look, donut seeds!"

3. What are Lit. poetesses favorite chips? ~ Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay)

4. A poet was driving in his car and had a Lit. poetess with him. He asks her to stick her head out the window and check to see if his blinker is working. She responds, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes.

 

[Rybka]

A Wish Come True!

One day, a middle-aged Lit. poet came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went clubbing with his 20 year old mistress.

 

[Rybka]

Texas Love Poem

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds . . . IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

 

[LeBroz]

Poetic Pursuit of the Perfect Mate

Here's a little something to add to your collection ~ saw it elsewhere on the web and knew its true place is your thread instead...


Female Poem

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong;
one who loves to listen long;
one who thinks before he speaks;
one who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed;
when I spend his cash, be not annoyed;
pulls out my chair, and opens my door;
massages my back, and begs to do more.
Oh! for man who makes love to my mind
and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me no end
and always be my very best friend.

Male Poem

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs, who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

.

 

[Rybka]

Applying For Ss Security

Having reached retirement age, I went to apply for Social Security last week.

After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter.

The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom.

I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I'll have to go get it and come back later, " I said.

At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt. "

I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that, she promptly processed my application.

When I returned home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office.

She listened to the whole story and then, without hesitation said..............

"You should have dropped your pants!..................

You might have been eligible for disability, too."

 

[Rybka]

100 %

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[Rybka]

Angie's Kitchen Diary

Monday: It's fun to cook for EE. Today I made an angel food cake. The recipe said to beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to lend me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: EE wanted fruit salad. The recipe said to serve without dressing, so I didn't. What a surprise when EE brought a friend home for dinner.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said to wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it helped the rice any.

Thursday: Today EE asked for a salad again. I tried a new recipe that said to prepare the ingredients and lay on a bed of lettuce an hour before serving. EE asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left it.

Saturday: EE did the shopping today and brought home a chicken and asked me to dress it for Sunday. Oh boy! For some reason EE keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: EE's folks came to dinner today. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Goodnight Dear Diary: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe for EE. If I can talk EE into buying me a larger oven, I am going to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

 

[Rybka]

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are.

The first mother tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well . . . ?"

She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2", hard-bodied Chippendale's Stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, My God!' "

 

[Rybka]

Chinese Proverbs

Passionate kiss is like spider's web, soon leads to undoing of fly.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired.

Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feels cocky all day.

Foolish man gives wife grand piano, wise man gives wife upright organ.

Man who walks through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick goes hungry.

Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not the best thing on earth but next to the best thing on earth.

War does not determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.

Wife who puts husband in doghouse soon will find him in cat house.

Man who fights with wife all day has no piece at night.

It take many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in his own pew.

Man who lays woman on ground gets piece on earth.

Fool climbs tree to get cherry, wise man just spreads limbs.

 

[Rybka]

Dear Makers of Tide Detergent

Dear Makers of Tide Detergent:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all
of my married life and, as my mom always told me, it was the best. Now
that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and
uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was and
generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another
and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise
and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came
out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA
tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said
that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my
husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty Bag people.

Yours in gratitude, a Lit. Poetess

 

[Rybka]

¿Usted habla inglés?

Subject: Poll



THE LATEST POLL IN CALIFORNIA SHOWS:

Forty-three percent of all CALIFORNIANS say that immigration is a serious problem.



The other fifty-seven percent said, "No hablo ingles."

 

[Rybka]

Friendship

Friendship between Women:

A potess didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.


Friendship between Men:

A poet didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her Husband's
10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and the other two claimed that he was still there.

 

[Rybka]

Why men wear earrings

A Lit. poet is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The poet knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The poet walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," The man replies sheepishly.

The poet falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."