More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

Running Doe

Running Doe, A young Native American woman, went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine Health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for the South Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind.

She said, "OK."

"First of All" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called . . .




(You know me, I hate to do this to you)














"The Indiannippleless Five Hundred."

 

[Rybka]

Texas Dove Hunting

Art tries to take a visiting poet dove hunting near the Trinity River, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find “No Trespassing” signs everywhere.

Art tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby ranchhouse. The rancher answers the door, and Art says, "Sir, I’ve hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."

The rancher scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I’ll make you a deal. We’ve got this steer out back that we need to kill for food, but we’ve grown too attached to it . . . my kids hand raised it for a FFA project. If you go out back and shoot my steer, I’ll let you hunt on my property."

Walking back to the car, Art decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won’t let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I’m going to shoot his stock!" He then walks over to the side of the house and - BLAM!

Suddenly two more shotgun blasts come from behind him, and the visiting poet runs up, yelling, "I got the dog and his cat too! Let’s get the hell out of here!"

 

[Rybka]

Rules for 2006

George Carlin's new rules for 2006


1. New rule: stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's
a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

2. New rule: don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
unless, you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

3. New rule: stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their
hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better
description for these kids: lucky bastards.

4. New rule: if you need to shave and you still collect baseball
cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your
idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

5. New rule: ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

6. New rule: there's no such thing as flavored water. There's a
whole aisle of this shit at the supermarket - water, but without that
watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You
want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.
that's your flavored water.

7. New rule: stop Fucking with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved the social security crisis.

8. New rule: the more complicated the starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-low and one
Nutrasweet," ooooohhhhhh, you're a huge asshole!

9. New rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding
my card, entering my pin number, pressing "enter," verifying the
amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my almond joy.

10. New rule: just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass.
and it translates to "beef with broccoli." the last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to god you weren't pregnant.
you're not spiritual. You're just high.

11. New rule: competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. Espn recently televised the US open of competitive
eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
they're already doing that. It's called "the Howard Stern show."

12. New rule: i don't need a bigger mega m&m. If I'm extra hungry for
M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

13. New rule: if you're going to insist on making movies based on
crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the
cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
let's remember that the reason something was a television show in the
first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

14. New rule: no more gift registries. You know, it used to be just
for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

15. New rule: and this one is long overdue: no more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint
like i just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to
be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands!

16. New rule: when I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to
know in months. "27 months." "he's two," will do just fine. He's not
a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

 

[Rybka]

Theology, kid style

1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet

4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me Love, Alison

5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene

6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita

7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn

9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis

10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan

11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer

13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy

14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter

15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark

17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha

18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara

19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles

21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff

22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank

And, saving the best for last . . .

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really 2cool. Thomas

 

[Rybka]

Procrastinator's Creed

I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of
the amount of time given.

I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.

I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write
the first word, when I get around to it.

I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the
task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done
prior to beginning the greater task.

I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.

I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

 

[Rybka]

Sandwiches

Two Lit. poets went into a restaurant and the waitress came around and took their drink order. While she was gone they each took out their own sandwiches and began to eat.

When the waitress arrived with their drinks, she noticed the sandwiches and said that bringing in your own food was not allowed. The poets looked at her politely said OK and then exchanged sandwiches.

 

[Rybka]

Dogs versus Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . . They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me . . . I must be a god!

 

[Rybka]

Ajax Gorilla Getters

A poet is having his morning coffee, looks out his back window and sees a Gorilla in his tree. He grabs the Yellow Pages of course, and calls 'Acme Gorilla Getters'.

Within minutes a beatup old van pulls into his driveway. From out of the van steps a man with a shotgun, a pair of handcuffs, and a pit bull on a leash.

"OK," says the Gorilla Getter, "Here's the plan, I'm gonna climb the tree and shake the branch till the Gorilla falls to the ground. When the Gorilla hits the ground the dog is gonna run over and bite him on the nuts. When the Gorilla grabs his nuts, you slap the handcuffs on him and we're done."

"OK," says the poet, "But what is the shotgun for"?

"If I fall out of the tree first . . . shoot the dog!"

 

[Rybka]

For You Male Poets Who Want To Lose Weight!

A Lit. poet calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss and get in shape program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised, and he knows he is healthier from all the exercise too!

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can't continue. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound and cross-country program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely!" he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

 

[Rybka]

Shooting Beaver!

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better ... I have an 18-year old Lit. poetess for a bride, and she is pregnant with my child, what do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went 'bang, bang, bang,' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly."

 

[Rybka]

710

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A Lit. poetess came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other, and then asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the blonde a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "is there a 710 on this one"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

 

[Rybka]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie . . . "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

 

[Rybka]

Signs that your new car is a lemon

As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.

You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has Moe's Towing Company on speed dial.

The jumper cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery.

The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.

The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.

You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.

As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door and waves you in.

When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway. As you go by, it silently
falls in behind you.

The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "Me Again."

 

[Rybka]

Lines to make you smile

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. (One of my favorites.....)

9 Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot - Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

17. Being "Over the Hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; Do you want fries with that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

 

[bluerains]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by

:-(
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass



(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass

 

[Rybka]

"Little Johnny" ~ at it again . . .

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's! the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"


A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"



The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"


At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

 

[Rybka]

Real Man Quiz

Note: Although this is test for men only and all "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.


1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Patriots called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "You got three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is sneakily trying to discard his underwear.

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He refused to ask for directions.
C. He always liked camping and there was a lot of game to kill in the desert.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

 

[Rybka]

I give 100% at work

I give 100% at work:

13% Monday

22% Tuesday

26% Wednesday

35% Thursday

4% Friday

 

[Rybka]

The Biker and the Poetess

A huge, hairy and tatooed biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady Lit. poetess who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.
I would walk you home but I can't carry all this."

The old Lit. lady potess suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old poetess home.

On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady poetess looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The Lit. poetess replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[Rybka]

YDD needed!

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

 

[Rybka]

That Old Boat

There was a pair of twins, Art and Mart. Art was the owner of an old boat.

As it happened Mart's wife died the same day Art's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Art. Mistaking him for Mart, she said, "I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Art, thinking that she was talking about the boat said, "Heck no! In fact, I'm glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."

"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Everytime I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy!"

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

 

[Senna Jawa]

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield

Rybka, it's so nice of you to provide for us all this "medicine". Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'd like also to mention that the above joke is a very-very old Jewish saying. Possibly R.D. made it known and popular in the States. Back in Poland, in 1960-ties, my relative used it, when due to a twist in the polical situation his book was not published. I think I have read it also in a collection of Jewish jokes, loooong time ago.

BTW, a stand up comedian would say "My luck is so bad that if ...", while a story teller would say "With my luck, if ...".

Best regards,

 

[Senna Jawa]

ambitious math from Internet

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give
MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those
people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where
someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes
up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that
might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
​

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13
14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
​

Then:

H-A-R-D--W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
​

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
​

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
​

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
​

And look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S--K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+ 7 = 118%
​

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty
that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you
close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
BULLSHIT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!

 

[Rybka]

Wilderness Camping???

These are actual comments left on U. S. Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:


"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to keep area pristine."

"A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

"Too many rocks in the mountains."


* * *

Note:
Thank you SJ for post the humor and for your words of encouragement.

 

[Rybka]

Knothole

Walking along a sidewalk by a wooden fence this poet heard, "13,13,13 . . . " being chanted by a group of people (Not realizing it was the state hospital for the mentally challenged.) So, he slows his walk down and out of curiosity, he sticks his eye to a knothole in the fence and someone pokes him in the eye.

Then the chanting changed to, "14,14,14 . . . "