More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

Editors & Poets

One morning, three editors and three poets were in a ticket counter line at a train station to go to a one day poetry conference. The three poets each bought a ticket and watched as the three editors bought just one ticket. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the poets.

"Watch and learn." answered one of the editors.

All six boarded the train where the three poets sat down, but the three editors crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The poets saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. That evening when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three editors didn't buy even one ticket. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed poet.

"Watch and learn," answered the three editors in unison. When they boarded the train, the three poets crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Editors crammed into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the editors left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the poets were hiding.

The editor knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

 

[Rybka]

Where Are We?

An American poet, a Russian poet, and an African poet were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian poet put his hand down into the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African poet put his hand through the clouds. "Aah! Now we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand into the clouds. "Aah, we're right over Detroit."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The American poet pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

 

[Rybka]

The white dot!

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something "exciting" and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found out, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class . . . and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, and then sat down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked the boy what it was.
"It's a period." he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "But what is so "exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know." he said, "But this morning my big sister was 'missing' one.
Mommy fainted;
Daddy had a heart attack . . .
and the boy next door joined the army."

 

[Rybka]

Heads Up for Shoppers!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. simply going out to to get items for the house has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it can't happen to you. Here's how it works.

Two seriously good looking girls who appear to be 18-19 come over to your car as you are placeing items from your shopping cart into your car's trunk. They both start wiping your windsheild with a rag and windex, with their breast almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is almost impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer a tip, they say "no thank you". Instead they ask you for a ride to the another Home Depot.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and gives you a mouth hug, while the other steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on September 7th, 9th, 13th, twice on the 15th, three times yesterday, and will very likely have it stolen this coming Monday and again on Tuesday.

 

[Rybka]

Never Choke in a Redneck Restaurant

Two hillbillies, Ed and Red, walk into a bar. While having a shot of
whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya
swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to
turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick
with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm and the
obstruction flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the
hillbilly walked slowly back to the bar.

His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!

 

[Rybka]

Put Down Lines for the Ladies

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

 

[Rybka]

A Cereal Killer?

Buckwheat of Our Gang fame has converted to Islam and been radicalized. Like so many before him has changed his name to reflect his new faith.

From now on he will be known as Kareem a Wheat.

 

[Rybka]

Involuntary Response

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably drinking and playing poker with his buddies."

 

[Rybka]

Words & Women

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE​

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES​

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game
before helping around the house.

NOTHING​

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD​

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH​

This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY​

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS​

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.



Pass this along to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!


Oh, and before we forget:

WHATEVER!​

. . . It's a woman's way of saying FUCK YOU!

 

[Rybka]

Some Simple Truths

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, choose the one that you've never tried before.

 

[Rybka]

Bumper Snickers, er Stickers

Constipated People Don't Give A crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The
Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... (Seen
Upside Down On A Jeep)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also
Timed For 70mph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service.
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits
He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In
Touch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your Proctologist Called.... He Found Your head!!!

 

[Rybka]

The Afghan Quarterback

The Saints coach had put together the perfect team for a stellar season. The only thing he was missing was a solid quarterback.

While watching the news one day, he saw an Afghan soldier throw a grenade 80 yards straight through a 2nd story window. He followed that by dropping another straight down a chimney from 50 yards away and finally, nailed a car speeding by at 55 mph.

"I've got to get this guy to play for the Saints!" The coach tells himself.

So, he brings the young Afghan soldier to the United States and teaches him the great game of football, and sure enough, they win that year's Super Bowl.

The excited young man calls home to tell his mother of the news.

"Mom," he excitedly tells his mother, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you." the old Muslim woman says, "You deserted us- you are no longer my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand - I just won the greatest sporting event in the world." the Afghan quarterback said.

"No, let me tell you something," lamented the old woman, "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. We are surrounded by rubble. Your two brothers have been beaten senseless and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped."

The old woman tearfully continued, "No, I'll never forgive you for moving us to New Orleans."

 

[Rybka]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confsed. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse . . .

"Damn it, Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!
I said a BUTT LIGHT" ​

 

[Rybka]

Actual Headlines

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean duct tape comes in red now?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough the first time?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[that's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[definitely worthy of a headline!]

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[that was really giving of himself!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[TexasChainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[boy, are they tall!]

And the winner . . .

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[I certainly hope so!]

 

[Rybka]

A young Lit. poet shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped.

Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease . . . It's just that you look so much like my late son."

The poet answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout . . . and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, the Lit. poet went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85." said the clerk.

"How come so much I only bought 5 items?"

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

 

[Rybka]

The Perfect Man!

What I Want In A Man, LADY's List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover


What I Want In A Man, LIT. POETESS List

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and changes underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

 

[Rybka]

Bumper Sticker

Bumper sticker seen on a B-2 Stealth Bomber:

"IF YOU CAN READ THIS,
THEN WE WASTED 50 BILLION BUCKS."​

 

[Rybka]

Air Femme

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight
attendant gave the passengers the usual information
regarding seat belts, etc. finally, she said, "Now sit back
and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell,
and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I
hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the
attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I
understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "and so is the Co-Captain. In
fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I
don't know what to think of all those women up there in the
cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no
longer call it the cockpit."

"Now it's the Box office"

 

[Rybka]

Kids In Grade School Think Fast!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"

JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

_____________

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

______________

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLIE: Me!

______________

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

______________

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."

ELLEN: I is . . .

TEACHER: No, Ellen . . . Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right . . . "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

_____________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

_____________
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SAM: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook.

_______________

TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

______________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PUPIL: A teacher.

 

[Rybka]

Double Dose

Art went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't prescribe him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked Shawn.

"Because it's not safe!" replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad!!" said Art.

"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

Art said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay!, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday, Art dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

Art said, "No one showed up."

 

[Rybka]

Paternity ?

Answers from L.A. County ADC (aid for dependent children) questionnaires.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

[Rybka]

Marriage humor

* You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or
get married and wish you were dead.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I
am, I married the wrong man."
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day
she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've
found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want
from me, sympathy?"
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to
let her keep him.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* During a heated spat over finances, the husband said, "Well, if you'd
learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the
maid." The wife fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how
to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got two
girlfriends.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
laundry done for free.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."
* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

 

[Rybka]

Ah, the French

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes" ---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion." ---General Norman Schwartzkopf

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" ---Jacques Chirac, President of France;
and...
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." ---Rush Limbaugh

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P. J. O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." ---John McCain

"You know why the French didn't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." ---Conan O'Brien

The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee." ---Regis Philbin

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" ---Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." ---David Letterman

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." ---Marge Simpson

French Army tanks have five gears: four in reverse, and one forward (in case the enemy attacks from the rear).

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night's display that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.

Paris - April 8, 2004 - French Interior Minister Jean-Pierre Lafontaine announced today that, due to the recent terrorist bombings in Spain, France's Terror Alert Level has been raised from "Run" to "Hide."
Mr. Lafontaine further added that if the bombings continue, the Terror Alert Level would be increased to "Surrender and collaborate."

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Q: Do you remember the great French military defeat?
A: It was the French Civil war, France surrendered twice.

Q. What's the similarity between a french women and a bungee jump?
A. They're both Cheap, Fast - And if that rubber breaks your dead!

Q: Why are there so many trees in & around Paris?
A: Because French men don't like to walk very far to a take a leak.

Q: How do you sink a French aircraft carrier?
A: Launch it at high tide.

Q: What's darker than a French whore's armpit?
A: Nothing.

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?
A: Sunburnt armpits!!

The french government advised its citizens to seek relief from the summer heat wave by taking a cold shower or bath.
Tragedy struck as thousands learned that in most French homes the plumbing to these fixtures had never been connected.

Q: What is the difference between a Frenchwoman and a basketball team?
A: The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it

Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Frenchman, were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up."
The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him. "What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "That is obviously my son."
"I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the French kid."

 

[Rybka]

No More Headaches

A Lit. poetess comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Angie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself -- and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache!' And . . . It worked, the headaches are all gone!"

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

The poetess then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Wow, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time,his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

Funeral services will be held on Monday.

 

[Rybka]

Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in Central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden to eat meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest about it.

The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass . . . and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said,"You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."