More "Medicine"

[Rybka]

Texas Football Quiz

It's football season! Fall weather! Cookouts! Picnics!

Best socializing of the year! Here is the traditional Texas collegiate football quiz to begin the season.

(1) What does the average Oklahoma player get on his SAT?
.........Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put thirty-two Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a South Texas cheerleader into your dorm room?
........Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get a University of Houston graduate off your porch?
........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if a Texas Tech football player has a girlfriend?
.......There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Rice football team like a possum?
........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of an Texas football player's life?
........His freshman year.

(8) How many Aggie Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.......None -- that's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
....... Waco, Texas-- he knew that the police would never look at Baylor for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash . . . )

(10) Why did Oklahoma State choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highway the rest of the week.

 

[Rybka]

Driving

One sunny day while on patrol, a young police officer pulled over a red Mitsubishi 3000GT driven by a Lit. poetess, for speeding. He walked up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. Immediately, he was stunned by just how beautiful she was! Probably the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid eyes on.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am . . . could I see your driver’s license and registration please."

"Uh . . . What's a license...???" replied the blonde poetess. Big blue eyes sweetly looking up at him.

"Your driver’s license is generally in a wallet." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration? " asked the cop,

"Registration? What's that?" asked the Lit poetess.

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop patiently.

After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "Thank you Ma'am. I'll be back in a minute. said the cop and walked back to his patrol car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back. "Ummm . . . is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes . . . " replied the officer..

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher.

"Uh . . . yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. It’d . . . inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me . . . just do it.” said the dispatcher.

So the rookie cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The Lit poetess looks down and sighs, "Ohh no . . . not ANOTHER breathalyzer!”

 

[Rybka]

Currency Exchange Rates

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. It was a short line, just one person in front of me.

The man in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated. He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Yoday I get hundat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller simply tells him, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too"

 

[Rybka]

Attack Dog

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog." said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of their approach.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you." said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others . . . He doesn't even act like an attack dog."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

 

[Rybka]

Speeding

An editor and a Lit. poetess are driving down the highway in a convertible. The editor knows he's speeding so he asks the poetess to check and see if there's a cop behind them. The poetess looks behind them and says, "Yeah, I do see a cop!"

So the editor asks, "Well, does he have his lights on?"

The Lit. poetess replies: "Yes . . . No . . . Yes . . . No . . . Yes . . . No . . ."

 

[Rybka]

25 Things Women Should Know About Men:

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

9. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.

10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, you should be worried about him.

16. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

17. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

18. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

19. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily.

20. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

21. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget. He didn't lose your number. He didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

22. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you; I want to marry you; I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave so fast, they leave skid marks.

23. Men are self confident because they grow up identifying with super heroes. Women have bad self images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

24. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

25. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

 

[Rybka]

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

 

[Rybka]

Hot handed Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter,


The PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

Anything she touched would melt.


Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,

She will be cured."


The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.


The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly.


The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.


The third prince approached. He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!


The king was overjoyed. . . Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.


Question: What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)




























M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??​

 

[Rybka]

Tarzan & Jane

Tarzan and Jane . . .

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh . . . Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show
you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said,
pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around
in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed "What did you do
that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

 

[Rybka]

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did
you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was
walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. " Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

[Rybka]

Zen For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:

1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.

2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like......night.

3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.

4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.

5. 42.7 % Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.

6. 99 % Of Lawyers Give The Rest A Bad Name.

7. Sometimes We Feel Like We're Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.

8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.

9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.

10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.

11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.

12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.

13. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.

14. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

15. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.

16. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!

17. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.

18. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!

19. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.

20. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-kinesis? Raise My Hand.

21. Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?

22. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?

23. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked Something.

24. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.

25. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.

26. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.

27. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.

28. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

29. If You Always Keep An Open Mind, Won't Your Brains Fall Out?

30. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.

31. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?

32. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What Happened.

33. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.

 

[Rybka]

The Cynic's Guide to Life

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothings gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bon bon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the 'thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge' group.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car.

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives say over.

Love is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don't want to get off, and when you don't... you can't wait to throw up.

 

[Rybka]

When is “FUCK” Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use in public.

They are as follows:

11. "What the FUCK do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the FUCK was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those FUCKING Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877

8. "Any FUCKING idiot can understand that." -- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so FUCKing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the FUCK did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the FUCKing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the FUCK are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered FUCKING showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the FUCK is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998


and a drum roll please . . . !


1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this FUCKING mad!" -- Saddam Hussein, 2003

 

[Rybka]

Girls' Night Out

Why Women Should Avoid A Girls' Night Out After They Are Married!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed . . . 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem ticked off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'OH, SHIT', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

 

[Rybka]

Cigarettes and Tampons

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She points him to the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls, gauze, and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she".

 

[Rybka]

I fired my Secretary! here is why

why I fired my secretary . . .





Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.





I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.





As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."





I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.





My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.





As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.





I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"





We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"





I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment."





After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."





"Ok." I nervously replied.





She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".







And I just sat there...







On the couch...







Naked

 

[Rybka]

Golf Quotes

Best Golf Quotes EVER!!!


1. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

2. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

3. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

4. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

5. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

7. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

8. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

9. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

10. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

11. It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot put ...for a 10.

12. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

13. Nonchalant putts count the same as "chalant" putts.

14. It's not a gimme if you're still away.

15. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

16. There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

17. You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

18. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

19. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

20. When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

21. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

22. If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

23. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

24. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

25. Hazards attract; fairways repel.

26. You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

27. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

28. If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

29. It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.

30. Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

31. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

32. Go lf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

33. A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that is why I get so many calls to play with friends.

34. That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

35. If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

36. Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

37. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

38. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

39. If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

40. You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.

41. It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing brain surgery.

 

[Rybka]

Man Laws

Here they are:

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning
her blouse.
c) After wrecking your boss's car.
d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The
Crying Game".
e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden.However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's
choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing:i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox.
End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.Ever.

 

[Rybka]

Daily Tips
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U- Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out Tips
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the Restaurant
may not have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home Tips
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
manners are.

Personal Hygiene Tips
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no as they tend
to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of Finger foods.

Dating Tips (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it
is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance such as,
"Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

Weddings Tips
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the
sack.

Driving Etiquette Tips
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

 

[Rybka]

Irish Humor

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course," he replies "What's the use of fookin' one?"

 

[Rybka]

Ten Commandments, Cowboy Style

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - TEXAS STYLE People in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:


Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?

Y'all have a good Day.
Ye hear now ?

 

[Rybka]

What Is A Grandparent?

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of
their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we
come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run.
It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters
for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty
leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and
also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?"and
"How come dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask
for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you
don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who
like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say
prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame
their dog.

 

[Rybka]

Mouse Balls

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This is supposedly a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

 

[Rybka]

"OLD" IS WHEN

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"



"OLD " IS WHEN .. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.



"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.



"OLD" IS WHEN .. Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



"OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.



"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.



"OLD" IS WHEN .."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today



"OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.



"OLD" IS WHEN .. An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.


AND


"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes.

 

[Rybka]

Things you will never here a woman say!

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
2. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper too, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
3. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
4. Bar food again! Kick a**.
5. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
6. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
7. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
8. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want'em?
9. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
10. Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare a**.
11. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
12. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
13. ****! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer.
14. You are so much smarter than my father.
15. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch football.
16. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
17. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
18. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
19. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
20. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
21. I'll be out painting the house.
22. I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more time to ride.
23. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
24. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
25. Your mother is way better than mine.
26. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself something.
27. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire.
28. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
29. Look! My a** is fatter than yours!
30. Let's get rid of my friends and keep all of yours.