nh's big book of Dr. visits.

[00Syd]

Oh. Holy. Shit. I have no idea what to say! This is all just so awful. My first instinct is to give you a massive hug and its so frustrating that I can't! My thoughts are with you and yours. I hope very, very much that everything goes well in the end.

And that nurse can go suck a dick.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

And that nurse can go suck a dick.

Why are you rewarding the nurse???

 

[00Syd]

Why are you rewarding the nurse???

lol That's just a phrase used around these parts similar to "go fuck yourself" with a bit of "shut the hell up" thrown in (you know, with the gagged by dick aspect of it). I guess it doesn't translate well to a very oral-friendly community. Ooops

 

[nh23]

*HUGS and HUGS*

That all is very scary and it sucks. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sending you lots of good energy.

Thank you! I really appreciate it!

hugs and good vibes your way

and mostly what Net said: don't let the medical expenses keep you from getting the best. I'm not familiar with the US medical system but I'm sure that they cannot refuse you treatment if you show up at the ER in pain

please take care of yourself, no need to be strong about it



as for being made to feel ashamed because of your sex life ... GRRR

Bi_Kitty started doing some research last night and found a program in my state that may help me. Bless her cute pixie heart! Thank you so much for your thoughts!

 

[nh23]

So sorry you are going through this.

Be aggressive and take care of yourself. Though I know it is difficult to put ourselves first, in this case you getting well and getting the best care is the best thing you can do for your children and your Master.

Hugs and get healthy thoughts going your way.

(after she was done yelling at you about anal did she schedule any tests to see if you do have any cancer cells in your rectum? )

Thank you so much!

I have not had anal testing scheduled yet. She told me that I won't be screened until I'm 50 unless I have side effects. I'm going to talk to the other Dr. about it as soon as I see her.

 

[Keroin]

Hi nh, sorry to hear about your news. One of the dearest people in my life, "Big Wave Dave", was diagnosed with stage four cancer about six years ago and the outlook was grim. He eventually died of an unrelated illness, but he beat his cancer. The autopsy showed not a smidge in his body. Thought I'd share some of his words with you, (he sent this in an email to another friend of mine battling cancer - sorry for the length, he did like to ramble ):

#1 for me is to not depend on only the medical community to be responsible for my future. In my own challenge, I have at times welcomed the medical advice; other times declined their recommendations when I sensed that the treatments were not right for me at the time. How do I make these choices? Generally I try to access an "inner voice" within myself to sort out not only my medical needs but my emotional needs as well. Early on, I worked on accepting peace with the concept of not surviving and the possibility of moving on to another state. Of course, my preference is to have more time on this side and I don't mean to sound cavalier about dying. I definitely have a preference to "beat" this medical challenge, but if it is not to be, I know that another state will be all right.

#2 is to not attempt to fight this thing alone. I have called in every level of support I can dream up. Prayer warriors, spiritual facilitators (fortunately I have a sister who is "the best" in this area), nutrition and detox authorities, medical gurus, cosmic guardians, ect. ect. I think it is vital to spend some moments of every day in meditation/prayer/ect. to not only seek support but more importantly to express gratitude for the many gifts we experience every day.

#3 is to accept a revised philosophy of life which is now simply stated as "Some day is THIS day." In other words, I attempt to live my life as fully as possible under the circumstance every moment I am not with the medical people. When I walk out the door of the Doctor's office, I try to go to do something which revs me up. That has included going straight to a guitar lesson, out to my boat, back to an adventure in Mexico (which I once had to interrupt to go see the doctor --I actually traveled 1600 miles round trip on a Mexican bus to keep a doctors appointment in Los Angeles and then returned to my beach house in Mexico) or anything else that humors Liz or myself.

I wish you strength and as much peace as is possible during the times ahead.

K

 

[nh23]

I am at a loss for words. Honestly.

You can make it through this. You have a lot of people pulling for you, and folks that love you and will support you.

Just don't give up. You're a bloody strong person. You can do this.

--




That calm is a feeling I know all too well. I get that way too, plus I usually beat myself up for not being more emotional. Like it is somehow more correct to be wailing and gnashing my teeth. And this situation is my greatest fear.

You can't control it, and you can't physically do anything about it. It's enough to make you feel helpless to fix your girl, and I don't know of single thing in the world that makes me feel worse. But you can do something. You can be the rock she needs, and she will need it.

When my eldest son was born, he was a bit premature, and wasn't breathing. He was this tiny little thing hooked up to all these machines, and we hadn't even gotten the chance to hold him. I was terrified, and viv was shattered. I've never felt more frustrated and utterly helpless in my life. At one point I told her that I was going to get a drink or something, and wound up in a stairwell by myself crying.

A nurse happened to see me, and she sent a priest in (Catholic hospital). I'm not a religious man, and don't usually care for intrusions, but, at that moment, the priest was a fellow human being trying to help. And knowing that the nurse had seen what was going on and did something about it even when I wasn't a patient helped too. I was able to get it together and go back to being strong and supportive while we waited for the boy to start breathing.

The point to this is that sometimes it is okay to crack open a little. More importantly, sometimes it is okay to accept the support and comfort of others. No one can be strong and in control 100% of the time.

My PM box is open if you want to talk. Hell, send me a PM and I'll get on the phone with you. Same goes for you, nh.

--



Not bloody possible. He's going to worry. He has to. It's his job. You have to let him take care of you when you can't take care of yourself.

Thank you so much. You know that you and your triad have a very special place in my heart. I let him know that you are available to talk when he's ready. I appreciate that so much. It's harder on me to know he's this upset than it is for me to process the fact that I have cancer. I'm not supposed to make him unhappy in any way. It kills me that he hurts.

 

[nh23]

Can you just imagine if this woman had reacted in this way to a gay male patient when discussing anal sex? How does being a woman make owning an asshole any damn different? Do not let anyone criticise your lifestyle and especially do not let ignorant people suggest that your fantastic sex life is to blame for your current health problems.

Netz made some very good points. You need to keep pestering and ensuring that things are moving along as fast as possible and no corners are being cut. MasDom should be there in your corner too, acting as an advocate on the days when you just can't face being persistent and obnoxious.

Also, if it looks like major treatment is going to be necessary, start hitting up charities and support organisations. You'll be surprised what you can get if you just ask. For example, (in the UK) many cancer charities help with transport for chemo patients as they're seldom well enough to drive home after treatment. Some will also fund childcare for days when you need to attend hospital. There's a whole load of support out there if you go looking for it. When you know what you need, what would make this whole thing easier on you, do some door knocking and see if anyone will oblige.

Sending positive thoughts and vibes across the pond to you.

Oh, I know! I told Master I'm sure she's terribly homophobic!
Thank you so much for the advice and support. It means a lot to me.

 

[nh23]

I don't fault the doctor for having that opinion as long as it is a medical decision and not a moral one. The world probably would be better off with no butt fucking. Don't you think?

Bad news for you I guess. You're going to have to stop taking it in the ass.

 

[nh23]

Coming out of hiding long enough to send good wishes and huge hugs your way!

Yay! I feel special, I drew viv out of hiding! Thank you so much chickie. Oh did H tell you I want some grinch fudge? Love you!

 

[nh23]

Shut. Your. Whore. Mouth.

Oh. Holy. Shit. I have no idea what to say! This is all just so awful. My first instinct is to give you a massive hug and its so frustrating that I can't! My thoughts are with you and yours. I hope very, very much that everything goes well in the end.

And that nurse can go suck a dick.

Aww..thank you syd!

 

[nh23]

Hi nh, sorry to hear about your news. One of the dearest people in my life, "Big Wave Dave", was diagnosed with stage four cancer about six years ago and the outlook was grim. He eventually died of an unrelated illness, but he beat his cancer. The autopsy showed not a smidge in his body. Thought I'd share some of his words with you, (he sent this in an email to another friend of mine battling cancer - sorry for the length, he did like to ramble ):

#1 for me is to not depend on only the medical community to be responsible for my future. In my own challenge, I have at times welcomed the medical advice; other times declined their recommendations when I sensed that the treatments were not right for me at the time. How do I make these choices? Generally I try to access an "inner voice" within myself to sort out not only my medical needs but my emotional needs as well. Early on, I worked on accepting peace with the concept of not surviving and the possibility of moving on to another state. Of course, my preference is to have more time on this side and I don't mean to sound cavalier about dying. I definitely have a preference to "beat" this medical challenge, but if it is not to be, I know that another state will be all right.

#2 is to not attempt to fight this thing alone. I have called in every level of support I can dream up. Prayer warriors, spiritual facilitators (fortunately I have a sister who is "the best" in this area), nutrition and detox authorities, medical gurus, cosmic guardians, ect. ect. I think it is vital to spend some moments of every day in meditation/prayer/ect. to not only seek support but more importantly to express gratitude for the many gifts we experience every day.

#3 is to accept a revised philosophy of life which is now simply stated as "Some day is THIS day." In other words, I attempt to live my life as fully as possible under the circumstance every moment I am not with the medical people. When I walk out the door of the Doctor's office, I try to go to do something which revs me up. That has included going straight to a guitar lesson, out to my boat, back to an adventure in Mexico (which I once had to interrupt to go see the doctor --I actually traveled 1600 miles round trip on a Mexican bus to keep a doctors appointment in Los Angeles and then returned to my beach house in Mexico) or anything else that humors Liz or myself.

I wish you strength and as much peace as is possible during the times ahead.

K

Thank you for that.

 

[nh23]

The pain I was feeling this morning slowly eased off, so I'm thinking I may have pulled off a scab. Had to give my Daddy(as in Father) the news today. I am exhausted.

Master and the kids want to have a birthday celebration for me tonight. I'm trying to muster the energy.

 

[Bi_Kitty]

Bi_Kitty started doing some research last night and found a program in my state that may help me. Bless her cute pixie heart! Thank you so much for your thoughts!

Anything to help my N out. You have enough on your plate as it is to be worrying about the expenses. Wish there was more I could do.

 

[Homburg]

Thank you so much. You know that you and your triad have a very special place in my heart. I let him know that you are available to talk when he's ready. I appreciate that so much. It's harder on me to know he's this upset than it is for me to process the fact that I have cancer. I'm not supposed to make him unhappy in any way. It kills me that he hurts.

I know, darlin. You might want to chat with MIS on that, as I know she struggled with those feelings during her heart issues.

The bottom line is that your family and friends will worry. It is all part of someone you love having an issue like this. You worry. You can't stop them from worrying any more than you can stop worrying about them worrying. All you can do is try to accept it, and understand that it is love and concern being shown.

And I felt kind of weird typing more towards MD than to you, but I figured it might help to provide my perspective. I guess it is easier for me to wrap my brain around what he is going through, than what you are.

*hugs*

 

[Sir_Winston54]

When I had my last heart attack - the one that actually *scared* me - I had this song running around in my head while they were tying me up to the ekg and stuff...

Tim McGraw - "Live Like You Were Dyin'"

He said, "I was in my early forties
With a lot of life before me
When a moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days
Looking at the x-rays
Talking about the options, talking 'bout sweet time."

And I asked him when it sank in
That this might really be the real end
"How's it hit ya', get that kind of news
Man, what'd you do?" He said,

"I went sky diving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds
On a bull named FuManChu. And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
And gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
And he said, "Some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying."

He said, "I was finally the husband
That most the time I wasn't
I became a friend a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden going fishin'
Wasn't such an impostition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad.

"And I finally read the good book
And I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all
again..... and then

"I went sky diving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds
On a bull named FuManChu And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
And gave forgiveness I'd been denying."
And he said, "Some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying,

"Like tomorrow was a gift
And you've got eternity to think about
What you'd do with it
What did you do with it
What did I do with it
What would I do with it

"Sky divin',
n' I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds
On a bull named FumanChu
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter
And I watched an eagle as it was flying."
And he said, "Some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying."​

 

[nh23]

Anything to help my N out. You have enough on your plate as it is to be worrying about the expenses. Wish there was more I could do.

You being mine is enough!

I know, darlin. You might want to chat with MIS on that, as I know she struggled with those feelings during her heart issues.

The bottom line is that your family and friends will worry. It is all part of someone you love having an issue like this. You worry. You can't stop them from worrying any more than you can stop worrying about them worrying. All you can do is try to accept it, and understand that it is love and concern being shown.

And I felt kind of weird typing more towards MD than to you, but I figured it might help to provide my perspective. I guess it is easier for me to wrap my brain around what he is going through, than what you are.

*hugs*

I know...it's just so hard. I feel bad because Master is hurting. I feel like I'm making all my friends and family sad. I hate it so much.

 

[nh23]

Thank you Sir W. It's a beautiful song!

 

[ZRT]

I know...it's just so hard. I feel bad because Master is hurting. I feel like I'm making all my friends and family sad. I hate it so much.

You have a family to be proud of, a family that cares enough to worry because you're worth worrying about.

It's love and it's a glorious thing.

 

[nh23]

You have a family to be proud of, a family that cares enough to worry because you're worth worrying about.

It's love and it's a glorious thing.

 

[Millificent]

Yay! I feel special, I drew viv out of hiding! Thank you so much chickie. Oh did H tell you I want some grinch fudge? Love you!

No, he didn't! I'll be sure and dig up that recipe for you!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I know...it's just so hard. I feel bad because Master is hurting. I feel like I'm making all my friends and family sad. I hate it so much.

Darlin' girl... were the shoe on the other foot - if MasDom or a family member or a friend were to get this diagnosis - would you hurt for them, would you be sad? It is natural for us to empathize for our friends and family when something like this happens to them, and vice versa.

The support and strength you get from knowing their sadness and pain for you is what will help you through this time, as you would give them the same strength and support in their times of trouble.

 

[nh23]

No, he didn't! I'll be sure and dig up that recipe for you!

Yay! Thank you!

Darlin' girl... were the shoe on the other foot - if MasDom or a family member or a friend were to get this diagnosis - would you hurt for them, would you be sad? It is natural for us to empathize for our friends and family when something like this happens to them, and vice versa.

The support and strength you get from knowing their sadness and pain for you is what will help you through this time, as you would give them the same strength and support in their times of trouble.

I would hurt for them, I would be sad. But that's the role I play in life. To take the dirt and hard times so the ones I love don't have to. I've had the hardest time getting the Domly ones to understand this. I think the subbies/slaves may get how I feel a bit more.

I've spent my life trying to make life better for the people I care about. It is my place to make things better. I feel like right now I'm causing a lot of pain. I know it's irrational. I know it's not my fault. But it's a hurt that's associated with me. If that makes sense. I have no idea how to articulate this.

It's also harder for me with the males in my life. I told bunny, and kitty, and my mom etc..and we could cry and vent together. I hate to bring them sadness too, but it's different.

The hardest people for me to tell were Master, my Daddy, You, Homburg, and MisterSir. I have a very hard time bringing any type of sadness to the male persuasion. That probably makes even less sense.....

I dunno. I was very proud of MisterSir today. He's going to make a fine Dom to a lucky young lady. He yelled at me for blaming myself! Like I said it's hard for the Domly ones to get it, but it tickled me that he sounded like Master. He's moving along quite well.

I think Homburg has a good idea because of what he and MIS went through recently.

I know Master is upset with me for feeling this way, and I'm trying not to.Right now, it's just the stage that I'm in.

 

[Bandit58]

nh, I have orders. I am to tell Sir if ever I'm feeling unwell. A headache, period cramps, indigestion - doesn't matter, cos He wants to know

I found it rather strange at first, and I'd try and hide things, because as you know He's got much worse health than I have. I didn't want to worry Him, or be a burden. However He said that I have to look after myself because if I get sick how can I take care of Him? So that means off to the doctor for things like a sore throat which I used to suck up and not bother about unless they got really bad.

I'm not used to being cared about. My ex never used to care about me - I remember being in bed with a really bad flu for 3 days and off to work on the farm he'd go and leave me to take care of myself until the kids got home from school. I broke my toe 3 years ago and Sir was trying to look after me and I snapped at Him, I hated feeling so helpless (luckily He understood but still ordered me to stay on the couch and He would cook dinner thank you very much!)

 

[MasDom]

Today was not a good day for a birthday.

And as I try to understand how she feels I wish I knew so I could tell her at least something to make her understand how much she doesn't upset me, or sadden me.

How her existence has always been and always will be the brightest and most fulfilling thing I have ever known.

How every day I....

I just love her, my sunshine.

I love you pet.