Okay, I feel like sinking my claws into something substantial, who wants feedback?

[KillerMuffin]

Re: Two stories

And yes, I do realise that I use English spelling (no 'z's), it is a nasty habit.

No, it's not. Literotica doesn't require Americanized spelling so you're perfectly within your rights to use British standards.

 

[Guest]

US English vs UK English

It's important to be consistent, whether you choose US or UK English. I've written stories aimed at US readers, and changed my MS Word dictionary to US. There are many, many subtle differences, besides word spelling. US spelling (like US culture in general) is more tolerated and pervasive in the UK than vice versa. So I usually stick to US spelling to keep the majority of readers getting distracted, even though I use UK idioms.

 

[rexfelis]

Hi, guys and gals.

It's been a while since I posted here, except for stories and stuff, but I am interested in having some feedback on my writings.

I have done mostly non-erotic stuff.

I've been sort of analyzing my own stuff and trying to figure out what it needs in terms of improvement, and there are things I have been seeing, but I would appreciate hearing from someone else who is an experienced writer. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

My stories and poetry can all be accessed from my profiles page, which is:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=61507

Thanks for the help.

RexFelis

 

[KillerMuffin]

Rumple, your turn (finally!)

I liked this one the best of all your offerings. I particularly liked the way you handled the group scene. It was written in Cindy's POV and you only wrote what she'd be interested in or paying attention to. For instance, while she was giving Tony a bj, she was only "narrating" Tony's bj. We weren't getting a blow by blow account of what the other three were doing. It was highly believable.

As usual, though, you had an overabundance of first names. This distances you from the character to the point where you feel more like a narrator is telling you what's going on rather than the character. In group scenes like this it's only necessary to change from the pronoun to the name if there is no other means of identification. The less you use names, in general, the better. People don't think in names very often, because pronouns are comfortable.

Take this, for instance:

Sliding her lips up the length of the dick, Cindy began to suck and swirl her tongue around the bulky head. Tony's legs went stiff; his body began to shake, and she felt the cock head swell. With her hair tossing about, Cindy pumped furiously on the long dick, forcing its head back into her throat each time she reached the bottom of her stroke. When Tony's body jerked into a ridged arch, she pushed down frantically, forcing it to new depths.

I'm distanced here. This is a narrator, not Cindy. First of all, the previous paragraph uses Tony twice, and the one before that uses Cindy. No one else is involved in this narrative so there's no confusion about he's and she's. Cindy doesn't think "Cindy is giving Tony a blowjob." Cindy thinks "I am giving him a blowjob." When it's done in third person, it's "She's giving him a blowjob." This is more immediate. Couple that with the description about her hair tossing about, and it's a narrator talking to me, not the character. When I'm doing anything like that, I don't notice my hair unless it irritates me. Cindy isn't going to be thinking about what she looks like from someone else' perspective, she's going to be thinking about what's going on and what she wants to do.

This is a problem because you float in and out of Cindy through the whole story. Unlike the first one of these I read for you, where you stayed in the narrator's POV the entire time, this one wallowed a little. You should pick a POV and stick with it. My personal preference is a character's, but there isn't anything wrong with a narrator's if it's skillfully done. You're certainly able to work a narrator POV.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Guru, my man, your turn.

See? I told you I'd get to you!

Okay, I'm seeing a Like Water For Chocolate theme going on here. And, well, I hate to say this, but it didn't work for me.

I had the darndest time to not skim down to look for sex. The preparation and prelude bits made no difference to the story, you could have left it out and had a much tighter piece. So did the part prior to the guests arriving. When you edit, be vicious and cut deeply.

Your chapter heads, where you described the courses, were plenty. There was no need to essentially re-iterate in the first paragraph of each section. I prefer the course heads to the reiteration in the following paragraphs.

I would have started here:

Appetizer course
================


&nbsp&nbspAppetizer: The appetizer course serves as the
&nbsp&nbsp transition from the work of the day to the pleasure
&nbsp&nbspof the evening meal. It should be a succulent,
&nbsp&nbspflavorful beginning to the wonders of the courses to
follow.

I move two platters of toast and two small bowls of a smoked salmon and creme fraiche spread to the table. To set the mood, I've cut the toast into the shapes of lips, breasts and penises. The salmon spread is appropriately flesh-colored.

You're writing a short story, not a book. Backstory isn't nearly as necessary as people think it is, particularly if it's just a discussion of what's for dinner and who is wearing exactly what. Too much description is just as bad as not enough. For instance, you discuss "I"s silk boxers in the prelude, but never bring them up again. Unless they play a role later on, there's no need to introduce them.

The rest of it isn't bad at all. You've got good pacing and it's interesting. The "course" headings are a nice touch. Your prose is a little more clinical in feel than it could be, I think that pulling back into past tense and colloquializing your grammar would make it more friendly. Like old levi's. That and your time tags, as I call them. Now, then, presently. Mostly unecessary as well. We can tell that things are progressing without being told they are.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

KM,

Many thanks for the feedback. I'll try to pay closer attention to my "wallowing" POV and chronic overuse of first names on my next post.

RF

 

[Guru]

 

[JAYCE73]

cut me, or stich me up!

I don't mind being under a critcs knife, just as long as that knife is doing cutting to make things better.
MY story is under the erotic coupling catigory. I try to draw from things I know, and have done, to create a realistic erotic fictional story. I not one to be a critic, but some of the stories read like there were writen while horny. That tends to cloud the realism, and the result, a story that are, how can I put it, BAD! I do think I need counsel on how to write, but I just want to know how my grammer is.
If it wan't for spell check, I wouldn't have the heart to submitt anyhing. So, Doc. you have my symptom, remedy me!
My story is titled Marie. By the time this message is posted, there probable will be another story of mine added.
thanks Jayce19

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Love to hear people talk about my work

Hi y'all!

I'm putting up links to my stories, and I'd appreciate it if KillerMuffin or anyone else for that matter, would like to read them through and tell me what you think. I won't see your comments as much as critique as I will see them as suggestions for the future.

12 Hearts, ch.3: Down, boy!

In The Shower

Room-Mating

The Dream

Kurt Olsson XXX-Special: How to make your own Super-size condom

If anyone feel poetic at heart and would like to comment on my poems as well, just tell me, and I'll provide links for them.

Thank you so much!



Svenskaflicka

 

[Svenskaflicka]

How come all the "my's" on this page are in red?

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Now it went away. Just as when you take a broken machine to repair, and the minute you arrive, it starts working again.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Margo? If you're still around.

I'm not really sure what you want me to read. I'm a little feedback slow, if you didn't notice. Was there something particular you wanted feedback on?

 

[Guest]

Girl in a Box.

Be warned, it’s rather long.

I put an awful lot into it, and was rather proud of it, but it hasn’t done all that well and I wonder where I went wrong. I did it in three installments.

First part:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=56089
Next:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=56399
And finally:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=56531

Or you can go to my home page and snag them from there.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=107088

I’m much more interested in becoming a better writer than having my fanny patted.

 

[margo_x_x]

That ‘Unregistered’ above is me, margo_x_x. I came into this bulletin board through Hotmail, with that little warning ‘you’re not in hotmail’ banner across the top, and Literotica didn’t know who I was. I had to come back in a new window before it remembered me.

Interesting, isn’t it?

 

[Guest]

Dear KillerMuffin,
You're welcome to sink your claws into, and mangle the delicate petals of The Green Rose. But watch out for the thorns.

I'm really interested in whether the story is clearly told.

Rereading it, I don't think the main woman came out how I wanted at all. Can you give me your character assessment of her?
Also any style stuff you liked or found jarring.

 

[PlayDoe]

My first submission - ToxicoSalix

Let me know what you think. I had a great time writing it!

 

[ehlanna]

kat flies down under

hey if you get any time wanna rip my story to shreds? I know there is something not right but hell if I can figure it out. I suck at critiquing my own stories. Kinda like a mom can't admit she has an ugly kid. LOL.

I am in no hurry so take your time. Kat flies down under.

If you can let me know in PM whenever you get to it that would be great!

 

[KillerMuffin]

Finally! Muffie gets to margo

I have to say that this was a very difficult one for me to do.

A few general nits: There's a few attributives in the story that were actually unnecessary. I'm anti-attributive. Anyway, an example or two:

"Objection, your honor," Laura's lawyer said, half-heartedly.

"Objection, your honor." Laura's lawyer looked around for a moment, then returned to the crossword puzzle.

"And this call was from…" the prosecutor prompted.

"Dave," she said, pointing to her husband at the defense table, "Something came up, and they were catching a flight to England."

"And this call was from...?" The prosecutor glared at her as if his political ambition hung on her next words.

"Dave." She pointed to her husband at the defense table. "Something came up, and they were catching a flight to England."

I'm firmly with Will Strunk on the whole attributives mess. Never use them unless there is no better way of pointing out who is doing the speaking. He says that the only one you should use is said. I don't mind a muttered here or there, myself.

Onward!

I think you'd asked about why it wasn't doing so well and about the sexual content. I'll be frank here. This isn't the best site for this story. Your story is good, but it doesn't have the sexual content that the average reader is looking for so it will get passed over. It works here, don't get me wrong, but Lit isn't the place to properly showcase the story. I think we discussed this in email, but I'd have to say that you need to give a look see into submitting it into ezines or publications that specialize in erotica and not pornographic writing.

Before that, however, do a nice, thorough edit of yourself. Mercilessly cut words until you feel like crying. A good rule of thumb is to edit out 10% of the verbiage. If you've got a 3000 word story, cut out 300 words. You may have to tighten and rearrange, but usually you're better off.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Curious, your turn.

Okay, I've only got two things for you this time around.

1. Edit, edit, edit! You're running way over in your verbiage. Like I just told margo, you need to cut out ruthlessly. Your extra words are getting in the way of the story, slowing it down, and lessening the impact of your plot.

The first paragraph needs a serious rewrite. It's not a very good hook. It's not nearly as good as the rest of the story.

She was looking out the window of the hotel at the beach down below. It looked so inviting and beckoning to her. Her co-workers were busy setting up for the training session tomorrow and they were all under the usual pressure to out perform as a team. Becky was a very stern and business-like woman, who had no time for walks on the beach, or making love to someone in a location such as this tropical one she was in now. All of her life she had been driven to achieve perfection. In all things so far she had done very well. In school, college, and now business, she was at the top of all things she did.

You're trying to accomplish two things here. One is to introduce the character and the things that are pulling on her and the other is to hook your reader like a prize bass. "The beach beckoned her. She knew she shouldn't because her co-workers were setting up for the training session tomorrow and they needed her. It looked so inviting." Contrast that with what you've got. Which is more appealing to the reader inside of you? The one that sets up an immediate mystery to solve or the one that just tells you what's going on?


The other things is the narrative voice you're using. Treat this less like one story and more like a series of stories that are interconnected. Sink into one character in each vignette and tell it from his or her POV. You're mostly hanging out in the narrator's POV, which is distancing. Take the first paragraph, again. The narrator is describing Becky and what's going on. Becky isn't doing it. While this isn't wrong, it's less likely to suck the reader into the story. Descriptive narrative is, almost as a rule, boring. There's no way to make anything but because it's essentially imparting information. There's no interacting with exposition because it doesn't make the reader work for it. In a novel you have plenty of time to have exposition. In a short story exposition has to be used judiciously or it'll sink your ship.

Transitions are pretty good, though abrupt. Each vignette had that nice feeling of completion before you moved on which kept a good flow in the story. I didn't have to backtrack to keep up with you. This is not an easy feat because I'm a little bit on the ditzy side and tend to skim. Good job.

 

[margo_x_x]

I was excitedly hopeful, yet fearful and unsure as I hesitantly read your powerfully worded critique. Puzzled and confused, I franticly pondered the meaning of the cryptically obscure concept of: “Too many attributives.” With eternal gratitude, I noted your stunningly appropriate example, which immediately, and conveniently, followed.

Whew! I think I’ve got it out of my system now.

Your advice is one hundred and eighty degrees out from what I expected. I was wracking my brain for ways of stuffing more sex into the story and never considered the option of distilling it down to a potent brew.

I understand what you’re saying about erotica vs. porn. The problem is, I was aiming at porn. If I aim at erotica, I’ll wind up with a romance novel.

“Think dirty, think dirty. Smut is good. More sex. More dirty, smutty sex.”

Okay, I think I’m in the right mindset. Thanks for you keen insights, both here and in your e-mail.

After reading your stories, your educational dissertations on erotic writing, and the way you dissect stories on this board, I wonder how you can stay so modest and self-effacing.

 

[galen ubal]

OK, KillerMuffin, I'd like to hear your thoughts on Semi Cyber Sex , since I can't get anyone to comment anywhere else - is it that boring?

 

[StryWrter7]

Please check out my new stories

Instead of putting the whole story in a word file, I broke it up and posted it in 4 chapters.
I tried to select the group it belonged to for each chapter, and thus the 3rd chapter seems to be getting a NICE raiting. The first where there is little sex is getting the low rating.
Can I combine them now? They really should be read together.
I'm new, and would like some feedback.
The other question I have is which group do YOU think the story belongs to.
Here is the link to my name & the 4 chapters of TRAPPED.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=144277

Thanks.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Kellysed! All yours. If you're still here.

I read the first one and sort of skimmed your other two offerings. Check out www.erotica-readers.com and www.cleansheets.com for some nice literarily erotic stories to read.

First thing I noticed was the style, tone, and the POV. I'm sure you're familiar with second person and the pitfalls inherent in it. Most people start out with second person in their erotic writings. I think this is a mistake that's easy to make. After all, there is very little more intimate than speaking directly to someone about your sexual fantasies. The problem is "you." I don't have a cock. Really. So this device was completely wasted on me. I didn't feel like a voyeur, I felt uncomfortable. You weren't writing to me, in fact, I have doubts that you considered me when you wrote this. Consider your audience. It's half female. Of the male half, how many men will actually fit the parameters of your "you?" How many will react as "you" does to the situation "you" is in? I think you've done great with first person and this is usually a wonderful POV to write in. It's more difficult than third person, but it's a good one.

I liked the style. It was very real and very touchable. This was a real person talking to me, with a real voice, and real humanness. A lot of characters lack that in porno/erotica it seems. I'm either too linear or too non-linear or too something. I had trouble with the beginning of The Beginning of Kelly's Education. The first few paragraphs I had it in my head that "I" was talking to a generic reader. Suddenly "you" shows up and I have to switch gears mentally. The reason this was a problem is that you're going over history that "you" presumably already knows as if it were brand knew to "you." This is a 15 mile an hour curve to me, and maybe to others. We're expecting a certain way for the story to go along and then it doesn't go that way. We have to downshift and it can be confusing.

The detail isn't a problem. You've got a wonderful way of expressing description. The problem is more in POV choice because the two don't fit together. I think that if you change the way you use second person you'll find more success with literary writing.

Some people have the talent to use second person and some people don't. It's one of those hard things to use. It takes a lot of effort to use it successfully across your audience. You might be able to do that, but I think you'll may have to take the full spectrum of your audience more into consideration while you're writing.

 

[Merlins Boon]

Rip into this one, sil vous plait

On the Rebound
By: Merlins Boon

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=59241

This is my first ever erotic story that I've written, and the first story that I've actually finished in nearly eight years. I'm quite proud of it, but don't let that dissuade you from giving it a good reaming.

I've got a lot of good feedback for it so far and people are wanting a sequel, so I plan on giving it to them. If you'd be so kind, I'd like your opinion on how I did in this first installment, and how I might do better in the second one. Go crazy with it, I'm a little rusty and can use all the advice I can get.

 

[nightray]

hey KillerMuffin I would love for you to sink your clows in to my story its my first that I got the guts to submit and any advis or coments from you would be wonderful.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3033

Thanks in advanc Ray