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Okay, I feel like sinking my claws into something substantial, who wants feedback?

Cyn, if you're still around

Okay. First of all, don't do second person. Second person is bad and it's just not good at all. The average reader loathes it. I actively loathe it.

Why? It's creepy, it alienates half of your audience right off the bat, and eventually gets around to most of the rest.

"You" is a guy. I'm not and I don't find anything fascinating about being told that I have a nice package. "You" is also reacting to stimuli from the other characters. There are very few people who are going to react the same way "you" does.

Save the second person for personal stories you write to your lovers/friends.

Now you've got an additional problem. Halfway through the story "you" morphs into "he." I had no idea who "he" was until I'd read over those paragraphs a bunch of times.

I spent quite a bit of time trying to sort out who was who in this story.
 
RM Roxinger

I'm not being punctual these days, I must apologize.

I think, after reading your story, that if you use an ampersand one more time I might beat you with it. Seriously though, the "&" is a writing faux pas. In writing the term and is a word, not punctuation, and oughtn't be used that way. Readers are used to seeing it spelled out, not the ampersand. Some shortcuts shouldn't be taken and this is one of them.

My wife & college sweetheart, Gina; our baby daughter, Melody; & I had been invited to the home of her mother, Cindy, for brunch at 11.

This sentence took me a while to puzzle out and I still haven't gotten it. For the longest time I thought five people had been invited, and then discovered it was three. You have too much information in this sentence. Most of your sentences are sort of like this. Too much information that gives unnecessary detail. The detail that Gina was "I's" college sweetheart is unnecessary. You never expand on it and it doesn't add anything to either "I's" or Gina's character.

Mostly, you skimped on detail and rushed. Your buildup and ending was longer than your sex scene. Generally a no-no if you're into making people get off. You've rushed most of your description or settled for drivers license details. Brown hair, 42, 36D tits. This is surface and every other story has the exact same female in it. What kind of hair? More importantly what kind of reaction did "I" have to her hair? More on description later.

This is your weakest paragraph:

"Y-y-yes," I stammered. Now it hit me--Cindy was my mother-in-law, & here she was seducing me! Never in my wildest dreams had I thought this would happen. But now my willpower was weak & temptation was strong. I stood up & took her by the hand to her bedroom; we dragged her robe along with us. We shut & locked the door behind us.

Impossible to believe, actually. That's the problem. You killed your conflict in one sentence. The most important part of your plot is the conflict. Introduction of conflict, conflict, conflict resolution. You introduced it, expanded on it, and resolved it in one sentence. Not much of a seduction.

Next time draw your conflict out. Make her work for it. Make it more interesting. Make you characters seem more realistic.

This all ties into your description as well. Your description is mostly narrative. That's the long stretches between dialogue. We find out that Cindy is 42, gorgeous, with a 36D chest that makes him pop wood. Does this turn you on? It's static description because it doesn't develop either character. You want to make it dynamic, something that develops character. Weave your conflict into it and you've got a stretch of words that make nipples hard. It's more believable and it's more voyeuristic.

As with the main plot, the last paragraph is hard to swallow. There's not motivation for these people to behave this way. Of course there's not motivation for them not to either.

My suggestion is to take your time writing. Once you're finished, go back and add to it. Double the size without adding more past the ending. Change most of your description so that the people involved are reacting to what they're noticing. Something like Her brown hair slid over one of her nipples and I had to swallow the lump in my throat.
 
How about some light reading

I know you have been bombarded with requests for critiques. I also know you are not accepting new requests. I have posted a new story on the web that does not need critique. I thought you might enjoy it as some light reading without having to think of evaluating it. The story is in the non-erotic section and is entitled "Dragonslayer"
Hope you did well on your exams. I hope you get time to read this story and enjoy it.
Thanks for being so helpful to so many.
Athos:cool:
 
I see this is an older post.. But I would love some honest answers about my stories.. I posted a thread with the names of my stories already.. subject is Feedback WAnted by Shadow12

if you want to look them over I'd appreciate it
 
Pierre? If you're still hanging in there. . .

I'm just being late these days, I guess.

I'll start off with my first impressions of the story. It was hard for me to get into. You've got two problems with the hook and the backstory that make it a little more bland that it otherwise could be.

The hook, if you don't already know, is the first paragraph. It's the part of the story that essentially fishes or cuts bait for you. Yours is on the weak side. You start out passively, "He had been planning this day for a long time. Finally it was here." This isn't, forgive me for being rude, terribly intriguing. I skimmed the rest of that paragraph the first time I read it.

Following that we get into backstory. Backstory is one of those things that you've got to have and when you put in it, it's descriptive narrative. Contrary to the way it sounds, descriptive narrative is inherently boring. Nothing is taking place, the characters themselves aren't involved, it's the narrator explaining things. Explanations are pretty dull.

How to liven these things up? Well, the hook is the challenge everyone faces with every piece of writing. I'm pretty much no help here. This is something you've got to work on your own. A few pieces of advice, use action verbs. Use deceptive phrases. "I only killed her once, honest." instead of "I was playing Tomb Raider and Lara died." Use character emotion. Write directly from the character's POV as if the character was thinking it at that very moment.

The problem with backstory is usually harder to fix. The formula seems to be "Intro," "Backstory," "Present action," and "Conclusion." Rather than coming right out and saying that they'd been emailing for months and had done this and had done that with each other, intimate through conversation. The main problem with your backstory is TMI. Too much info. Most of what you told me was interesting and explained their history, but really wasn't necessary to the plot.

This is the thing about a short story. In a novel all of that backstory is necessary because of the amount of development you're doing. In a short story the amount of information you give is limited by space. You still have to develop the characters and you still have to get them through the plot. A short is like a quick one two knock out. You get the reader into your character--and no, we don't need history to do that, just emotional connectivity-- and then you change the character in some way through conflict resolution. In a short we don't necessarily need to know why they're there, just that they are there. It's hard to tell exactly what I'd cut out, but if I were editing, I'd lose at least a quarter of the story length.

Narrative description brings one serious problem with it, and you can't avoid this one when you use narrative description. The narrator. Generally, in a good short story the reader either never leaves the narrator's POV and never feels it. My preference is to never notice the narrator, but that's me. I want to get my info and my sense of what's happening from the characters, the people who are experiencing whats going on. I don't want it from a third party who can't help but editorialize. This is one of the rubs from the narrator. He describes what a character is feeling, but there's always the sense that it's a bit patronizing or condescending. Why? The narrator is a completely separate person, how does s/he know?

The worst part is when I picked up the sense that the narrator was describing the sex, not the characters. It's a little bit of a let down to us total voyeurs. What gave me that impression was the three of four paragraphs that were essentially a laundry list of sex. He did this. She did that. He did this. She did that. Halfway through it you finally get around to telling me what she's feeling, but by then it's too late. I read a lot of erotica and there really isn't anything new under the smut sun. What makes things fresh and original are the characters, not what they're doing.

"It was a sort of mixture of an experiment and a Bill Clinton type rationalization of not technically having made love afterwards." I love this sentence. Of course, I'm a Republican, but that doesn't mean that it didn't make me grin.

You've got some really fresh ways with descriptive phrases. If that sentence had begun this story, I would have been fascinated enough to want to read more. Can you see how that's more interesting than "He had been planning this day for a long time?"

"Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh" she started to pant as the cock fucked away at her over and over. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, here it comes, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop... Oh yes... FUCK ME, FUCK ME, FUCK ME WITH THAT THING, FUCK ME HARDER, OH... Myyy... Godddd... Keep going..."


Um, don't do that. I know you see it a lot in porno in these parts, but you don't see it in porno that people pay money for. Why? It's a cheap gimmick. First of all, caps tell me that she yelled. Okay. So? Why was she yelling? She had an orgasm. So? What was so special about the orgasm? Did it keep happening? Was her voice high pitced and annoying? Did the neighbors bang on the walls? Did he feel like Stud of the Year? And one last question, exactly how do you pronounce Godddd? Goduh duh duh duh?

The reason these things are problems is that it shortchanges the reader on your descriptive skills. She was caterwauling like Jimmy Swaggart at a Baptist convention. FUCK ME! What's more interesting? I think you get the point. :)

Part two should be cool.
 
coyote, if you're still around!

Ooh. Nice vocabulary. Bad grammar.

Let's take apart this sentence:

"With a final glance she decided to open another button exposing more skin, a deeper dimensional view of her ample cleavage."

Corrected:

"With a final glance, she decided to open another button, exposing more skin for a deeper dimensional view of her ample cleavage."

You've got a runon sentence. Most of your prose is either runon, comma splices, or fragments. It's disguised rather nicely with your vocabulary, but the fact remains that your grammar really is atrocious in this story.

I'm not sure why that is, either. I got the feeling that you were telling this story with a mental voice that doesn't follow written protocol. One with a little drama here and there. One that's slow, measured, and a little poetic. It probably works well for some, it doesn't for others.

And the vocabulary. I liked it a lot. But I'm familiar with big words myself. However, there are probably some in your audience who were turned off by it. Just because an exotic word works just as well doesn't mean it should be used. This is, however, your discretion entirely. You have to decide what level you want to take with your audience. You should also consider that a large vocabulary can alienate your audience just as easily as it can woo them.
 
Laurenathias

I read all three chapters. Two hasn't improved much over one. You need a grammar and punctuation guide.

A typical mistake:

"I-I have seen the way you fight, and the way you have looked at me. I, too, am not used to such kindness." stammered Lauranathias, rewashing the cloth, pausing as she let the water drip back into the basin.

It should be:

"I-I have seen the way you fight, and the way you have looked at me. I, too, am not used to such kindness," stammered Lauranathias, rewashing the cloth, pausing as she let the water drip back into the basin.


I think I covered tag words last time, when I looked over the first chapter for you. If not, here's a refresher. You don't need them every time someone speaks. "Said" exists for one purpose, to clarify who is speaking. Sometimes whispered, yelled, and the like can be used as adverbial attributives, but you're usually better off utilizing descriptions of body language, voice, or feelings to convey that. Why? Because "she yelled" doesn't develop the character like "she lost her patience with the girl and screeched like a fishwife."
 
KM, I'm still around!

Hey KM,

I appreciate you taking the time to critique my story!

First, on the vocabulary issue, I'd just like to say that it was never my intention to impress the reader with vocabulary prowess. This was my first endeavor, and I simply wrote the words of my thoughts. Point well taken, and I will strongly consider that aspect should I make another submission.

I had to laugh when you said my grammar was "atrocious!"

I am well aware of that shortcoming. I attempted assistance from the volunteer editor pool prior to posting this story but received just one response in four weeks, and, unfortunately, this was a couple days after I submitted the story.

This is not an excuse. I realize these people are volunteering their services and it is solely my responsibility to execute basic grammar.

My goal was to get a feel of what you thought about my first story. I have read some of your other critques and I respect your honesty. I believe I understand the points you were relaying.

Thank-you for taking the time. Again, I appreciate your efforts. I will take them into account should I post another story.

Thanks!

wcoyote
 
Okay Ladyphoenix, you rat.

You're so mean, making me critique such a good story.

The beginning isn't bad. Transitions are little weak for you. The whole "time passes" thing. Transitions are one of the hardest parts to write though, and I have no idea how to give advice on them. You've got good development on him, which I like. He's very real.

Her, though, she's a little on the weak side, developmentally. I wasn't too surprised when she stated that she knew he watched her, but it was something I accepted really smoothly either. I'm not sure why that is. The biggest problem I had with her was how she moved into sex with him like that. I'm wondering at her motivation. Why? What possessed her to do it? Why was she attracted to him? The most I got out of it was that she was turned on when he watched her and that her father and his wife were bumping butt. That's not strong enough for me to really see why on earth she'd go out of her way to seduce an older, next door neighbor. Particularly when she thinks of him as second father. It sort of made the seduction cheap or weak. Why does she want him?

The pacing is a little funny, too. That's mostly because you have problems with transition. A lot of time passes in the first page and then you have a few hours for the next two and a half pages. Perhaps you could have him waking up from the dream (which is great), then do all the rest in a flashback while he's trying to do what he's supposed to do. That keeps the story all in one day, kills a lot of transition, and develops your character.

The problem with this approach is how easy it is for a writer to move from the character into the narrator. So, if you decide to do something like this in the future, make sure you stay in the character's head.

You know about the ellipses and the caps, I imagine. Your sentences, though, are a little funky. Some are runon, a lot of them are really long. Reading out loud will give you a stronger feel for what's more--oh--attractive to the brain that reads them. They're not hard to follow as is, but when they get long, the idea is harder to follow.

Keep up the good work!

:)
 
Hi, killer. Are you up to ripping into a who-done-it?

I put it under the subject heading “Hurt me, beat me, make me write bad checks.” (Remind me not to pick subject headings after two Black Russians. I tried to change it to “Feedback me Seymore,” but failed.)

I’ve only had two comments so far. One wants more sex; the other just wants more.

I’d be most interested in:

Does it grab you, or do you just have an urge to skip ahead.

The heavier sex comes later, but should I put more huffing and puffing in sooner?

Are the characters real enough for you to start wondering about them, or do they seem like paper cutouts?

We all like to hear nice things about our writing, but I need my screw-ups pointed out a lot more than fanny pats.

I really need to get better, and anything you can do to help would be greatly appreciated.
 
killermuffin

I am not sure if you are interested or not, but I have a new story that you could rip and tear on if you so choose. It is in a different style for me and having just read the posted version, I found a few mistakes that managed to escape me. I feel that if I found a few, someone else will probably find even more. :(
However, I am feeling brave, confident, and just like a captain going down with the ship.
:)
The link to my story;http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=54129

Hopefully, I will hear from you and learn more of what not to do in the future.;)
 
I'm game...or just gamy

Killer,

I've read some of your recommended stories, and would love your opinions/ideas on the ones I've written.

I've made my living writing for years, but not erotica. My concern is that I may have jumped in TOO hard--having read some of the more literary stories on this site (the style to which I aspire), I think I may need more storytelling and less detail.

Please let me know what you think.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=52085

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=52608

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=53223
 
My story / your review

Killer Muffin:

First of all, thank you for taking the time to read and to critique my story. Thanks for the candor and helpful feedback, and most of all, thanks for being gentle to a first time writer.

I wrote the story as a birthday surprise for a friend. I had made a commitment to myself not to engage in any direct cyber-sex, nor email exchange with action taking place in the first person. (This was for the same reasons you outline in your profile. I am married and am not interested in screwing that up. ) Anyway, the point is that I tried using a method that took me away from a first person to second person perspective.

Unfortunately, I both wrote this story and asked for feedback before reading the outstanding and detailed advice you have been giving others for pages and pages in this thread. As I started to read the feedback to others, I recognized so many places I could have done better. I wanted to re-write it as a matter of fact, and have you read a version that had benefit of your tips. Alas, that doesn't appear to be an option on here. No biggy -Having said all that, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the feedback you gave me was in areas that were in addition to aspects I assumed you would point out. I must say that once I had posted the story and actually read it for the first time, my first reaction was that I should have cut a good deal of the beginning of the story. I think the problem was that it started as a romance-oriented effort and then later wanted to become a fetish - erotic story. I probably should have made it 2 stories or at least 2 'chapters'.

As for the next chapter, the lady I wrote it for was to write that. (this was partly an effort to explore her creative dark side a bit further. *S*)

Once again, thanks for all of your time and effort in this thread.

Sincerely,

Pierre
 
Me, the rat

KM,
Sorry, darlin. Couldn't help myself. Thanks for the wonderful review, and I'm amazed; you're the first person to comment negatively on my transitions and/or crazy sentence style, but I shall take a look at both. Thanks again! :rose:
 
Athos, if you're still hanging out 'round these parts

Nice story. I rather liked it. You have a nice plot and you followed one fabulously wonderful rule that I wish more people would stick to, Keep It Simple Stupid! That kept the melodrama--and conversely the level of disbelief--out.

You did a good job explaining some of the jargon. RIT, for example. Some of it didn't need to be translated, the scene where they're running water through the hoses, for example. It's fine to have the dialogue.

Now, the part where it broke down was the transition from present time to his life flashing before his eyes. I had absolutely no idea where the cat came from and how he came to be shooting it instead of fighting a fire. There has to be some kind of a cue that we've moved from one point to another. In things like this people have used italics. I don't know if I'd recommend it for this story, there's a lot of words for it and people have complained to me about a lot of italics. However, the alternative is using dividers like *** which can jar the reader out of the story or using transitional narrative, which isn't as effective.

Personally, I'd run with italics myself, but I'm an italics rebel. Hahaha. <I>italicized text</I> is the HTML for future reference and lit stories.

Switching POV to Chuck was jarring. It happened too fast and too suddenly. Swap, swap, swap. A few words to move from one to another softens things and makes it less like a slap in the face and more like a tug on the leash. If that makes sense.

Mechanics, you have a lot of trouble with punctuation. Grammatically, you were pretty solid, but the commas really kicked your butt. You left out a lot of punctuation in speech as well. I would suggest you pick up a book on grammar from the library and familiarize yourself with the basic punctuation rules. For the rest of it, read your stories out loud and you'll figure out where to stick commas and where not to. Then there was this error:

"What is the down time," the doctor asked?

Corrected:

"What is the down time?" the doctor asked.


The last part, the dedication, should be separated by a line since it's not part of the story. It gives the reader the cue what you're doing.

Good job.
 
Shadow? Sure you wanna hear this?

Mostly, your story was too short and paragraphs too long. You have an interesting character on your hands, and you didn't take much advantage of that. Development can mean all the difference in the world when you've got a cliched situation. And most pornographic writing is a cliched situation anymore. Like they say, there's nothing new under the smut sun.

I was left wondering why she wanted this at all. She didn't seem to get anything out of it. The orgasm was her pay off, but she could get the same thing with her fingers. What else did she get out of it? Without motivation, the story falls a little bit flat. BDSM is intensely emotional, sometimes it seems more emotionally driven than the other categories.

The biggest problem was the last big paragraph. The one that was basically the sex. It's about three or four paragraphs in one. It's hard to read huge blocks of text, and even harder to read it on a computer screen where the vast majority of your audience will be looking at it. Toward the end your you left out a lot of punctuation. I came away feeling as if you'd written it one handed.

Mechanically, your favorite mistake is the runon sentence. The easiest way to fix that is to make your sentences less complex until you've gotten a good feel for sentence structure. The best way to get a good feel for sentence structure is to read, and read a lot.

There are some good points to this story. Essentially the main character. She's a fascinating person, particularly in the dichotomy of powerful career woman vs. submissive sexual woman. Exploiting that makes for a delicious read.
 
Dearest Killer,

Please flog my story "Marlo 01" I'd appreciate a dose of that Killer honesty you're so well known for.
 
Don't see how you can be THAT vicious if you're offering your time so free.

Thanks in advance for whatever you make of this - Floater


An Accommodation

Men are like wolves
With red ribbons of flesh
Lapping out of their mouths.

They want to get under
My little red riding hood
To the little red riding button
With the hair trigger.

They want to see my big eyes
Heat up,
Glossy like their rude tails.
They want their tongues
To map out my skin.

Their paws on my nipples
Scratch.
Their tongues on my nipples
Glide and poke
And their soft mouths suck
And their eyes slide closed
And their mouths slip down
To where I am wet
And their tongues -
Made for lapping -
Lap deep as they can get.

They want all my personal surfaces
Opened to them,
They'd climb inside me if they could
Into a smothering cupboard of love -
They think.

But most of all they want to see
Eyes widen in cowed delight
And hear,
"Oh Granny -
What a BIG cock you've got!"

But when they pop me on their lap
It will disappear inside me.

I know it's wrong to eat men,
But then -
You know
And I know -
They're asking for it.
 
A Killer Response???

Dearest, Killer,

I can't help but wonder what a woman such as you, whose audio stories both aroused and amazed me, has to say about my attempts at creative writing. Your command of lauguage, the soft southern accent and choice of scenes all combine to make you an intriguing individual. I have little doubt that your knowledge of structure, grammar and developement are far superior to mine. With that thought in mind I would dearly love for you to take a few minutes to peruse one of my latest stories, "The Hundred Year Blizzard". I am aware that it is a tad lengthy and almost sexless in the beginning, but I was trying to setup a believable scenario. If you cannot find the time (I know you are innundated with requests) I shall understand.

Warmest regards,

Dv8tor

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...ry.php?id=56429
 
Satyr! You're up. A lil' over a month late, but better than not ever

I picked Bewitched because it was in the middle. Silly reason, but I do silly things, I suppose.

Not bad. The prose is nice. I like the lack of errors in it. I'm sure there's a typo, missing piece of punctuation, or bad wording in there somewhere (there's never not), but I didn't notice it so it's "error free."

I don't the swapping POVs worked will in the story. They were abrupt and left me momentarily confused before pressing on. I was dragged from the story to look at the prose. This is not a good thing. A little re-working might improve transition, then again it might not. Transitioning from one character's POV to another's without a "chapter" break is hard to do.

Actually, I spent a great deal of time confused through this story. I'm not really sure what happened or what I was supposed to get from it. Were they dreaming through the whole thing? Was this some sort of reality? Who is the protagonist? If your goal was confusion, you succeeded. I didn't understand what was happening or why it was happening. This distanced the characters a little bit for me because I couldn't identify their motivations.

For instance, when Sandra steps out onto the stage and starts to do her thing? This is not how a normal person behaves. She goes to a house to do interior decorating. She falls into bed with this woman. This is okay, the dream sequence in the beginning set it up nicely and I never questioned it. Then Tom shows up and watches through a mirror. This was okay, as well. Then someone starts dancing. You lost me here. This tertiary character has a point to her existence? What is it? What did the protagonist get from it? Then the impossible happens. Sandra steps out onto a stage in front of people--in a house she was supposed to redecorate--and starts dancing. For no accessible reason. I realize that she was supposed to be "Bewitched," but that feeling didn't quite come through.

I think the way to fix it, if you're so inclined, is to cut the story down to its bare bones. Identify the protagonist. Identify the antagonist. Identify the primary conflict (this was not at all apparent). Identify the resolution of the conflict (this was not in evidence). Everything else is extra.

Secondary conflicts can make things interesting, but you have to be careful with them in short stories because they put too much in and confuse your audience. Tertiary characters are the same. There must be a purpose for them or they create a dead end in you prose that yanks the reader from the story and then they must figure out where they were and how they got where they are.

One thing you should also identify--at least to yourself--is your audience goal. What do you want your reader to take away from the story. I have the feeling that in your audience goal orgasms are nice, but not necessary. I have no idea what you wanted me to get out of your story and I can usually pick these things out. Here at Lit the goal is usually sexual arousal. This one is a little different. Arousal would be nice, but there is a requirement for intellectual activity. Did you want me to view something in a different way? What did you want me to think about before I clicked out?

The reason you should keep this in mind is cohesiveness. It helps keep everything in that story together so that the reader can digest it and come to a conclusion. You're using your prose to make a point, but without considering what point you want the reader to get, it gets tangential. I hope this is clear because I can't think of a way to explain this without confusing the hell out of myself and everyone else.

I hope this helps! :)
 
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