Okay, I feel like sinking my claws into something substantial, who wants feedback?

[KillerMuffin]

urpvtjoy?

Okay, I read all of them.

The only one I didn't feel lukewarm about was Lovers. I really liked that one. It felt good, know what I mean? I liked the rhythm and the rhyme as well as the story.

The rest, though? They were mediocre. They were missing something and I'm not really sure how to describe it. daughter or UP would be much better at it that I am, that's for sure. I think they were missing a piece of you, it just wasn't coming through for me. All the longing was there on the surface, but it didn't vibrate with it.

Some of your word choices were pretty awkward as well, I'm not sure if you chose them from rhyme or for poeticness, but they didn't work. As I Dream About You was full of them. That one also had some awkward transitions in rhythm that didn't flow comfortably.

Another big problem I had was the spacing in the front. It made it difficult to read and I didn't see a rhyme or reason for it in some of the poetry beyond making a pretty shape.

 

[Ravenswing]

Thanks...

Thanks for taking the time to read it all KM.

I thought I did the foreshadowing better than that, but it was the first time I'd ever written anything like this, and I was out of practice at writing anything so you're likely right.

As for the rest of your comments, yeah, and I know it too.

The thought of rewriting that thing as a longer story... any publishers out there want to consider paying me for it?

Going to lie down now and relearn breathing

 

[ShamelessFlirt]

Change of perspective

if you get a chance, let me know what you think of this one?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=28618

Sentence fragments aside, what do you think of how I switched perspective? Does it make it more difficult to read?

Thanks

 

[KillerMuffin]

dr4ke...

This took a while. I had to read it a few times and then found out that it was much better when I read it out loud.

I can see very easily what you were trying to do and the mood you were aiming for. You were after the heightened emotional response and the feeling of being stalked, I think.

It worked, and it didn't work. I think that depends on how the reader lingers over the words. Most people read faster than they speak and they don't really linger. I read somewhere, so that's what it's worth, that when people read they only read about 75% of all the words on the page. They skip little words or words that seem to feel unimportant. It's all subconscious.

I think, in all actuality, that this would have been better off as a poem. Don't hit me. You've got an excellent feel for not only language, but the pauses and rhythms associated with it. Once I started reading out loud there was a definite feel to it that worked really well. People read poems and stories in two different ways. They expect stories to flow smoothly with little or no hitches. They don't want to notice the language, they just want to notice the characters and whats happening to them. This story takes so much not only from what is said, but from what isn't said. The pauses mean as much, almost more, than the words themselves. In poetry, people read it slower and they linger over the words because they expect a hidden meaning in ever word, sound, and pause.

As a story, it's pretty good. I don't know what kind of reviews you've gotten on it from feedback, but I imagine they were really impressed with your language. The choppiness and the dramatic pauses, though, didn't really work. It was very difficult to read and comprehend because it did require me to slow down a great deal

 

[urprvtjoy]

KillerMuffin

Thank you so much for taking time to read my poetry. Lovers is one of my favorites as well--and I very seldom like my own writing. I think my biggest problem is that I have a hard time editing my own work. I have a hard time saying what I really want to say. At any rate, I appreciate your time and attention.

urprvtjoy

 

[VeraGem]

A non-erotic drive?

OK, it was a bold stroke and I should have expected the bad reader reception - I cut out almost all of the sex and posted the story as non-erotic. What can I say, it took on a mind of it's own and the sex wasn't a focus anymore. Oops, this is Literotica and...

Anyway KM, I was hoping to get a taste of your critical claws, if you'd be so kind. Other than one definite article problem, (at the end of the first paragraph of section five), I can't find any problems. That's what worries me. I need an objective tear down here. Hit me with your rhythm stick?

Hit me hard. I posted it in the Christmas contest! This is never a happy Christmas tune...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=32230

 

[TheDR4KE]

thanks KM

Excellent feedback.

I wrote the story as something to be told in bed in the dark, and it really is something to be read out aloud. I'm fairly auditory, so to me that is a natural way to try out a story when I first start reading. I can see how this doesn't necessarily work for others though. Maybe I'll record myself reading it and submit it as an audio story

I think, in all actuality, that this would have been better off as a poem.

That's something else interesting that I'll consider, thanks. Hmm.... yes, an interesting thought

The choppiness and the dramatic pauses, though, didn't really work. It was very difficult to read and comprehend because it did require me to slow down a great deal

That's going to be an interesting challenge for me I feel. I might try to rewrite it closer to what you think of as a story just for the practise.

Thanks again,

Drake

 

[fantasywriter]

feedback

i would greatly appreciate all feedback i can get...my work deals mainly in the b&d and roleplaying realms and if that interests you, please let me know your thoughts. thanks, fantasywriter

 

[JUDO]

Wow!

Standing and clapping!

Jesus Christ, Muffster! What...nothing to do during the holidaze?

I hope that everyone appreciates the incredible effort KM has put forth. And from the reponses, I think most of you have.

Now, more than ever, KM...I'm in awe.

 

[P. B. Walker]

I second that Judo. KM has helped me more with my writing than anyone.

Thanks KM.

- PBW

 

[SLAM]

Great Job

Thanks!!!

 

[KillerMuffin]

El Cali

Okay, sorry this took so long, but that nasty X-Mas thing got in the way.

I want to talk about business writing versus story writing. It's obvious that you've been in the business world for some time and most of your writing has revolved around memos, emails, letters, and other publications like manuals. It's the detail and the passiveness.

In the business world you take a very passive way of writing things down and you add in details and other things to make sure that you're not misunderstood, you haven't offended the boss, and you've covered your ass. There's almost a specific method of wording things that's considered "good writing" in the business world. We're more relaxed here. I think we've discussed it before, but think about the word pedantic. Think dry. Boring. These aren't things you want to read, you do it because you have to.

There is a very important element in great story telling that you are lacking in this one. Yourself. I never felt you at all in this story. Every author puts a piece of him or herself in their characters, not just jobs, looks, or how we wish things were for us. We put in a piece of our basic personality because that's how we see the world work. When you hold that piece of yourself out of the story, or poem, then you have a bunch of words strung together that are pretty good, but have no meaning. You don't touch the reader.

Anyway, less lecture here.

You started the story with a description of the office that was too long, unnecessary, and started passive. "The small room was dark." Okay. Whoopee. Try this, next time you go into a place for the first time, bring a notebook with you and write down the first five things you notice about it. Use incomplete phrases, not whole sentences. It's not going to be detailed. You'll notice active things. What people are doing. How it smells. How loud it is. The jukebox screamed at the dancers. The bartender watched TV and served everyone a shot of vodka no matter what you ordered. You aren't going to notice small and dark. You're going to notice how the space affects you. How you feel about being in there, how others feel about it. These feelings color perception and these perceptions paint the picture.

There is another painful problem. Big, cool words. Artfully created turns of phrase. Makes you feel smart, very authory to use words and phrases like "barely preceptive to" or "had attained earlier." You feel like a master when you twist the language so beautifully. And you read like someone with too many thesauruses.

The trick with writing is to use the perfect word for every occasion. Words don't just come with meaning. The come with connotation. Twitter versus laugh. They come with feeling, too. Poets know this one very well. The sound of word, the way it feels in you when you read it also plays a part. Shut up! versus Shhh! Say them out loud. Shut Up is hard, they end with hard stops and hard consonants. Your breath and your mind both just completely stop at the end of each word. Shhh doesn't do that. Shut up feels harsh and angry, not matter how lovingly whispered a character might say it. Shhh feels soft and gentle no matter how hard a character might yell it. See, when you pick a word that isn't quite right or a phrase instead of a single word, you're jarring the reader. The reader is no longer immersed in the story, the reader is looking at the words themselves. You've felt that in your own readings. There you are, comfortably sucked into a story, then the author uses a word, a phrase, or a strange sentence structure and you're not involved in the story anymore. You're looking at the printed words with your mind, not just your eyes. It happens, avoid it. Authorisms are the worst sort of those because it's hard to get out of that thinking that a large, fascile vocabulary is more valuable to use than a smaller one. You have to be careful to connect with your reader, not talk down to them.

Punctuation problem: "Hi." He said. Wrong! "Hi," he said. Right!

Grammar problem: Comma splice. This is fun. I love doing it, don't follow my example. <--- Comma splice! Essentially, to two independent clauses improperly hooked together with a comma instead of a conjuction or a semi-colon.

Run-on sentences. BIG problem. You're full of them. I'd go on and on, but AK Shepanther had this problem as well, and I went on and on with her already. It was eloquent, it was beautiful, it was full of comma splices.

And I'm spent.

Hope it helps...

 

[KillerMuffin]

Shameless Flirt...

I got whiplash on that one, darlin.

"You're standing at the sink, minding your own business. As you reach to grab a glass, I creep up behind you. My arms encircle you, under your chest as my face zeros in on your neck. Your arms, reaching up lend themselves to the tingling of my arms around you, and my lips at your neck. That spot, just behind your ear, usually hidden by your hair. You had tied it back, to keep it out of your face, and I've taken complete advantage of it."

That's as far as I got before I couldn't take another word of it. I'm one of those avid loathers of second person. I hate it with a virulent passion. It's a heinous perspective and it should never, if rarely, be used. The way you've done it, well, it's in the reek pile. I know of only one person whose ever claimed to like it, and I doubt he would be interested in yours since he's male.

It can be used gracefully. Just possibly. But it takes a great deal of work and consideration to use it.

Sorry, second person... no offense but it just feels vile to me. It's not the writing, it's the perspective.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Okay, VeraGem, a rhythmic ripping...?

Rhythm is the right word. Stories have a rhythm, too. You don't notice it like you do in poetry where rhythm is everything. We call it pacing most of the time.

It was very difficult to read, almost impossible at times. I had to read it a lot to get everything in my head ironed out. It's not the writing, it's the abrupt and near constant switches in scene and perspective. The **** in the middle did a good job of indicating where it switched, but there was still way too much of it for me.

I think that you could have done Bill and Candice's set twice and John and Vicky's once. Consolidate all of B'n C's stuff until the fall asleep into one set, then do all of John and Vicky's perspective and don't go back to it. Then do the fire scene, then the cop. This will make it less confusing, probably easier to write and work with as well.

The foreshadowing that you needed wasn't done very well. The ending, once I puzzled it out, confused me. I'm a rather literal person, so I took it to mean that the two people had left the car and had gone on to save B'n C. The constable throwing up completely threw me for a while. Eventually I figured out what happened. The biggest problem was the entire way that you'd written J'n V after the wreck.

Why is that bad? You don't want a reader to get it eventually. You want the reader to figure it out immediately. Now keep in mind that this is just me reading it and not getting it. I'm rather dense about these things.

Hey, good news is that the content bothered me, not the writing itself so you did very well constructing the sentences.

Hope this helps.

 

[Rhys]

Elf Magic

Killer!

I would like your feedback on Elf Magic. I know there are some
technical problems with it (mispelling breeches et.al) and a rushed ending. Would you review it and tell me what you find because my next story has to be better


thanks in advance

Rhys

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=32121

 

[VeraGem]

Crossing the line between ambiguity and confusion

Killer Muffin,

Thanks so much, I guess I've been spending too much time watching David Lynch films.

My idea was to give the reader a linear flow; you know, what's happening to group A while group B is in the middle of action C. Now I see your point - and you're not dense, at least, if you are you're in good company. I've had a few email requests for clarification as well.

The ambiguity was intentional, but admittedly I may have overdone it - though I thought the foreshadowing was too heavy, even took most of it out for shock value at the end. I ended up with the readers saying 'What the fuck?' instead of 'Holy Shit!' Now I understand the low votes. Thanks for helping me figure it out.

**********

PS: Thanks also for you immense and tireless efforts on this thread and elsewhere. Those who listen, (myself included), can learn a lot from what you have to say, hopefully improving the overall quality of the site as well as sharpening their skills.

 

[KillerMuffin]

fantasywriter... appropriate name?

I didn't read any one story, I read a few and skimmed the rest.

You do a few things consistently that hallmark a beginning erotic story writer. This doesn't mean either good or bad, necessarily. I think you get some feedback from people, particularly women, who enjoy your stories, tell you they're great, but you can't figure out why they're so low scoring if they're as great as all that.

The largest problem, and this is a severe no-no, by far is your use of second person. Don't do it. Don't write the story to the "you" that you've got fixed in your head because she only matches a very small portion of your audience. Everyone else either back clicks or votes low.

Another problem is that you're writing autobiographically. This is a new writer thing, everyone does it. You should stop because when you do that you lose a lot of things in your writing. You forget to explain things to the reader, or you over-explain them. You skimp on the details that makes a story rich and you concetrate entirely on the flow of action. What makes this a little bit worse is that you appear to be writing out your fantasies. There is absolutely nothing wrong with writing out your fantasies because they make the best stories. However, when you write them as autobiographically as you've been doing, you lose something. The roles are set, the action has no room to change, and the characters are cardboard. You don't let the story "breathe."

My suggestion? Take your next story and write it in third person, past tense. Concentrate less on the details of what you want to happen and more on the characters themselves. People are drawn to characters. They like fantasies and sex, but the love them when the characters are rich. We're all voyeurs here and the way you've been writing them leaves some of the things out that tittilates us the most.

Some mechanics.

One thing you do that caught my eye frequently is redundancies. Over-explaining. Here's a random example: "...and with that the whip cracked across his back leaving a bright red welt where it had made contact with his skin." Do you see it? Lop off everything after "where" and see how it alters the sentence without losing a single whit of clarity. We already know the whip left a welt on his skin, so you don't have to re-explain it.

You've got a fondness for run-on as well. Here's a lovely one: "She shivered but remained quiet and knowing how much she would enjoy this I instructed her to begin counting for me." I explained a lot about run-on for AK shepanther. Okay, so I lectured. The trick is to find the subject of your sentence and keep to it. Punctuation helps a lot. You may need to read it out loud so you can hear where the problems are.

As, with, while, since. Don't get hooked on these words too much. They're a good transition and they can make a sentence less awkward but they keep you from telling a good story because they are awkward themselves.

Um. I hope this helps!

 

[justgem]

.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Not bad second time around either!

There were a few minor quibbles, but nothing too big.

The beginning of the story was slow and difficult to get into. You're going to have a harder time sucking someone into your story with present tense as it is, past tense is the comfort zone, so you'll have to make sure the beginning works hard to accomplish what you want it to. Start out with your best and go from there, don't save it for the ending.

Personally, I prefer past tense because I find it hard to believe someone can tell me a story while they're in the middle of doing something. However there is nothing wrong with present tense at all. You should continue to use it if you feel comfortable with it and your audience feels comfortable with it. The thing you should always consider is your reader. A quick look at the top lists will show that nearly all of them are in past tense. I haven't found one in present, but I didn't read them all.

You've got problems with punctuation. I'm not sure why, but you're missing some commas in places where you have them in others. It's consistently inconsistent. You've also got spaces between your opening quotation mark and the first word of speech. " but..." There are also a few troubles with things like peek instead of peak. Running your story through your grammar checker instead of your spell checker will help you catch these things. It's a four legged pain in the ass because it's going to have a problem with every foul word or every bad turn of phrase you've got, too. However, it will catch it when you are rising to your peek.

 

[pocketrocket]

Go ahead. I like it rough.

Most of the stories I have submitted so far have been his/hers pairs. That is, one story is written male first person, while the second story, covering the same encounter, is written female first person. Dont worry about being to rough. It was approved to post on the site after all. Anything you say can only improve future work. In fact, you may give me grist for another story.

So, without further ado, in the order they were written. . .

His: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=16157

Hers: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=16330

PS If you want to see the whip in her hand try http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=29003

 

[cellis]

Re: Okay, I feel like sinking my claws into something substantial, who wants feedback?

Okay, so maybe it's not as bad as all that claws business. I'm not exactly known for being nice, though. I tell ya what I think and you're free to take it or leave it.

I would love to know what you think.. Really!! I respect your writing and your feedback...


The Beginning

Thanks....

 

[KillerMuffin]

Ready Rhys?

Okay, first, mechanics. I'll ignore the misspellings.

Punctuation. The Comma and You. It's such a little guy, isn't it? Anyway. Here are some examples: "She was laughing, her hazel eyes merry, her cheeks pink...from the cold or otherwise he couldn't tell. " Comma splice. "Like many of the women, she had worked tirelessly to prepare the Yule feast for many days and a rest, even brief was much appreciated." Non-restictive clause. ""Her name is Holly. If you want to know" she said..." Speech demarcation.

There is no fixing the first sentence and leaving it as is. She was laughing. Her eyes were merry and her cheeks pink; from the cold or otherwise, he couldn't tell. The second sentence is an easy fix. ...and a rest, even brief, was much appreciated. The third one? I think you know it, though this error cropped up consistently. "Her name is Holly. If you want to know," she said..."

Ellipses. (...) They mean one of two things in writing. One, as I've used in your examples, means that I've cut a part of a quotation out. Two, the speaker doesn't say everything on his or her mind and sort of fades off. A dash would indicate a sharp cut-off. (...) is not good punctuation to use unless you have quotation marks on the outside of it.

Grammar. It's always fun! Mostly you have trouble with the comma splice, or comma fault as it's also called, and run-ons. I'll define them, and you can find them. It's not hard once you know what to look for. A comma splice is joining two independent clauses incorrectly with a comma. The proper ways to join them are 1) a coordinating conjunction (and); 2) a coordinating conjunction and a comma (but, since, therefore); or 3) a semi colon. A run-on is an awful lot like a comma splice, in fact they're about the same thing, but easier to just not do. Comma splices are comfortable, run-ons are not. You know when you're writing one because it's a difficult sentence that just doesn't quite work when you read it back to yourself. Strictly speaking, a run-on sentence is where two or more independent clauses are run together without punctuation.

The rest of it. Let's talk about adverbs. Adverbs are words that modify all parts of speech except the noun. Adverbs are also lazy writing. Yeah, ouch. You use a lot of adverbs. Here's a lovely example: "...she said to him teasingly..." Adverbs are those things that keep you from directly connecting with your audience. Yes, she said it to him in a teasing manner. You can get your reader to see the teasing in one of two ways. You can tell them that she said it to him teasingly, or you can show them what teasingly is. So, when Holly speaks teasingly, what does it look like? Sound like? Make Nicholas feel like? That's showing. Telling is a string of words that come from the narrator. Showing is a string of words that comes from a character. You, as a reader, are far more interested in the words that come from characters than from a narrator.

Tag words are another big problem. First, never use anything but "said." Whispered, muttered, laughed, grunted, mumbled, cajoled, breathed, replied, asked, supplied, reflected, began, I could on... Don't use them. Why not? You see them all the time, right? That's telling not showing. It's narrator talking, not character. The only time you really should ever use a tag word in dialogue is when you have absolutely no other way of making it clear who is talking. Whispersecret has a fabulous How-To on how to make your characters talk. "My name is Holly." She batted her eyelashes at him and smiled. "My name is Nicholas." He felt like such an idiot around her. Did he stutter? "You're cute." Her giggle was so endearing! "Aww, shucks." He dug his toe in the dirt. You get the picture. When two people are conversing you usually don't even have to point it out at all.

To make italics. You'll love this one. <I>Write your stuff that you want in italics here.</I> It's like the bulletin board tags, but with the <> stuff. Make sure you have the proper open switch <I> and close switch </I>. It's HTML. You just preview your page before you submit it to make sure your italics were done correctly. You can then dispense with the *I'm using italics thinking!* stuff.

The parts I didn't like. Well, I had a difficult time getting into the characters themselves. It's hard to work with someone as well known as Santa Claus because everyone's got preconceived notions of how the guy really is. However, it can be done. You've given him quite a bit of life as it is, made him three dimensional and human. His sister has some life, but Holly came across very flat to me. A lot of this has to do with the way you're writing them out. You can do a few things with it, you can switch POV from Nick to Fiona to Holly to the dog next door to Nick again. That can get confusing. You can also bring other characters to life through one person's POV. It's a little more difficult than just swapping view points because you've got to remember that not everyone sees a person the same way.

The stuff I did like. It was a well thought out piece, I think. I liked the way she provided him with the reindeer. It was different from the normal St. Nick tale. I also liked how her immortality was explained. You just never see that in the popular culture. You strung all of this together in an endearing and believable way. Despite their relative flatness, I liked the characters.

 

[Rhys]

Re: Ready Rhys?

KM!

That's showing. Telling is a string of words that come from the narrator. Showing is a string of words that comes from a character. You, as a reader, are far more interested in the words that come from characters than from a narrator.

Thank you. I have been told this before but ironically not shown what the difference was...were? Anyhoo, you can tell I've read a bunch of trashy romance novels can't you?








To make italics. You'll love this one. <I>Write your stuff that you want in italics here.</I> It's like the bulletin board tags, but with the <> stuff. Make sure you have the proper open switch <I> and close switch </I>. It's HTML. You just preview your page before you submit it to make sure your italics were done correctly. You can then dispense with the *I'm using italics thinking!* stuff.

Never knew this...never have used HTML...(really!)

Thank you KM!

 

[KillerMuffin]

"Roughing the Pocketrocket, 15 yards, still first down."

So I like football, sue me.

Anyway onto the good stuff. Allright, her perspective was better written than his. I'm not sure why, but it was. There was more detail involved and it was a little richer in character. She did some introspection and he didn't do much developing at all. I'd be interested to know which you wrote first. As for the his side/her side thing, it's a big failure with me. I read the story already and there are no surprises and it wasn't any hotter the second time around. If I'd been cruising through your works looking for a good story after reading the first one, I would have been pissed off at you for the bait and switch. If you're going to do a he said/she said thing, it might be better, at least in this forum, to do it in one story. Switching POV is neither difficult nor a bad thing. But hey, that's up to you. Some people like that kind of thing.

One thing that suffered horribly was your character development. You had three characters in each story. In each story one character had any development. The rest were cardboard marrionettes. That may have been the problem with the two sides to every story thing. You got a bit lazy, perhaps? In hers we had only her POV to work with, but we still should have gotten some residual depth from the people around her, just a little clouded by her perceptions. We didn't get that. Chuck was flat, which was okay, he's a tertiary character of convenience. Richards was pretty much a blank to me.

Now getting over to his story, Richards was still a blank. You had a golden opportunity right here, and you dropped the ball. "I was jolted back to reality. Many things were suddenly clear. I took the cuffs and clapped one ring onto her left wrist." Can you see how you fumbled it? "Many things were suddenly clear." Okay. That's great. He goes from being a bemused what-have-I-gotten-myself-into kinda guy to a dom. No explanations, no questions asked, no development. What things were suddenly clear and why weren't they clear before? What did he think about all that? You're running on almost pure stream of consciousness here so working all of that in isn't a problem.

On his side of the house, you sacrificed a lot to change your "voice" from hers to his. You gave him an abruptness that cut out necessary things, like details he would have noticed, and replaced them with simple things that make no difference, like a single adverb or gerund. People are different not only in how they speak, but in what they notice. Five people walk into a crowded bar and five people notice five completely different things about the same bar. They have different methods of communicating, but they generally speak like they think. Your man thought in simple sentences but spoke in compound ones. Not good. At least you kept her consistent, which is where the depth came from.

The ending was irksome as well. There was no indication in either of the stories that she felt that way about her body until the end of it where she thought basically how did he know? She didn't do any of the attention grabbing things to keep from attracting attention to the parts of herself that she hated. Women always do that. If they think the left side of their face is ugly, they will take pains to keep the right side presented to whomever they are interacting with. If she despised her breasts, it never showed. I found the entire whipping scene a little confounding because of it.

Plot was good, it's always good to see something switched around like that. A little more attention to character and you'll iron out a lot of the things that gave the story fits. Yes, that'll make them longer.

Mechanics, now. You and the comma seem to have had a little falling out. Most people do. I swear, that thing makes more enemies out of writers.

A not all-inclusive list:

After the soup had been served COMMA an attractive woman in a conservative suit stopped by the table and greeted Chuck. You have a dependent clause followed by an independent clause. You must punctuate or coordinate. Coordinating words make no sense, so a comma it is.

Smiling,NO COMMA~PERIOD "Of course." Smiling is not a "tag" word. "Tag" words are all verbs. Smiling is a noun. No, you say? -ing words are gerunds which is the noun form of the verb. Yep. Smiling, by itself, isn't a sentence either. You have to have a verb. Therefore you have to change the whole thing for it to make sense and be correct. She smiled. "Of course."

Let's discuss capitalizing words for emphasis. Don't do it, it's a writer's gimmick and it doesn't work like it should. Use italics because it's standard. Your purpose is to communicate to your readers as effectively as you can and you do it by using standard usage. That means grammar, spelling, punctuation, and formatting. Why? Because when you use something that's not standard, you shock your readers. Not in a good way either. It's not much, but it's just enough for them to pull themselves out of the story and notice the words themselves. That is something you never want to happen. You've done it. You've been in a good story when suddenly you come across some words, punctuation, or grammar that just aren't quite right and they make you think about them, rather than the story. Stick to standard. If you read it in a regualr novel, then you'll be fine.

I'm pretty iffy on your whole grammar thing. I'm not sure if you're assaulting the language because that's the way your characters think and speak or if you're doing it because that's the way you write. In first person, I tend to be a little more forgiving than in third person. Most readers are because no one thinks with perfect grammar. However, people read with perfect grammar. You have to find a happy medium that gives people grammar they're comfortable with and still gives the characters their individuality and their quirks.

Passive voice is a problem for you, as well. Next time, read through your stuff and look for words like "was, were, had been" and the like. Change the sentence to get rid of them. Readers prefer active voice because it's not boring.

 

[rigged4dive]

I just stopped in to request a public flogging.

The word, "Awsome," is too mild. You are an editorial force of nature.

This is just the kind of thing I need to hear. Please break out the tactical nukes, and tell me what you really think.

This thread has allready done me more good than any english class that I can remember. Thanks for starting it.