Online Master cheating on real life lover?

[Private_Label]

One more opinion to toss on the pile.

I agree with the "if you can't tell your BF about it, then it is cheating"

Plus: If your boyfriend were someone you considered your friend (as in "best friend") and a life partner; you would have openly talked about your interest in being submissive to someone. Even if he couldn't be the Dom you desired, he would at least be able to have the opportunity. I'm going to recommend you read some of FurryFury's threads about how she has talked to her husband about her desires - she is a good example for you!

Maybe I have a different view of intimacy than you. If I called someone my boyfriend, I would have to be fairly serious in love with him, and feel comfortable enough to at least speak my heart without fearing being rejected. Because if he would reject me over something that is part of my personality, then the relationship is eventually going to feel the stress over time. Leading to the eventual breakup unless we did a lot of talking through it. But I personally would rather know sooner rather than later that there were issues, so we could either work through them together, or decide to go our separate ways to find someone who was a better fit.

You don't have to like everything your partner does, nor does he need to like everything you do, but you at least have to be honest with each other about who you are.

 

[siren319]

I think as soon as we make the decision to not tell, we know whether or not it is cheating. We can all make excuses that allow us to justify it in our own minds (I have a few), but in reality if we aren't telling it is because on some level we know it will hurt the other and possibly the relationship.

 

[O'Mac]

Originally Posted by O'Mac
... That is to say, if your partner was talking to someone online without your knowledge and fulfilling their fantasy without your input, would you be okay with it?

Originally Posted by A Desert Rose

That's a good question and one I have a simple answer to...

I'd be okay with it.

Really, Rose? I mean I'm not doubting your answer, but you really wouldn't have an issue with someone going behind your back, especially over an issue of such intimate importance?

I think maybe I must be on the extreme opposing point of view. In my opinion, honesty and openess itself is the unmoving foundation for any healthy relationship. A breach of that trust is literally abhorent to me in so many ways. The concept of someone going through the trouble and effort of plotting behind my back instead of just coming out and talking to me just really irks me.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Really, Rose? I mean I'm not doubting your answer, but you really wouldn't have an issue with someone going behind your back, especially over an issue of such intimate importance?

I think maybe I must be on the extreme opposing point of view. In my opinion, honesty and openess itself is the unmoving foundation for any healthy relationship. A breach of that trust is literally abhorent to me in so many ways. The concept of someone going through the trouble and effort of plotting behind my back instead of just coming out and talking to me just really irks me.

I don't think you're in the extreme, at all. Most of the posts in this thread seem to support your view. And I appreciate that your response to me was so civily done. Usually, I seem to attract flaming for having an opposing view.

I'm not sure I can answer you satisfactorally, however.

I've reached a point in my life that I know I can't be all things to one person, which by the way, is one reason that married men (without girlfriends too) are attractive to me.

I also believe that secrets are not always a bad thing. We all need some space of our own. And I do not believe that a cyber relationship is usually that intimate. In fact, speaking sexually, they rarely are. Again, I'm speaking in very general terms here. I know that some are very intense and intimate, but in my view, those are rare.

I've been told that I think like a man. I think that's true.

 

[O'Mac]

I also believe that secrets are not always a bad thing. We all need some space of our own. And I do not believe that a cyber relationship is usually that intimate. In fact, speaking sexually, they rarely are. Again, I'm speaking in very general terms here. I know that some are very intense and intimate, but in my view, those are rare.

I've been told that I think like a man. I think that's true.

Well, truth be told, a significant majority of the male friends I know could never bring themselves to cheat on their partners either online or in real life. I think men are a bit more morally guided then some would give us credit, but I would agree there are some real pieces of work out there.

It's just that personally, I've been in a situation once before (and luckily only once) where a partner of mine was caught arranging an intimate encounter with a male friend. For me, the first emotion was of great disapointment, followed by anger and sadness. The disapointment was due primarily because I had trusted her without even considering she would ever want to do something like this to myself and our relationship. I was so let down because she felt she couldn't tell me how she was really feeling and choose the easy way out by avoiding the issue altogether. According to her, it wasn't so much that she wasn't happy in our relationship, it was more that she simply craved the emotional stimulation of an illicit affair.

The secondary emotion for me was anger, understandably. Again, I was angry that she had gone out of her way to hurt me, as opposed to communicating her thoughts. Thirdly, I was saddened over the whole ordeal and truly felt betrayed. If it wasn't for a lot of talking and working things out, I would have walked away right then and there. The irony, of course, is that had I been told earlier of her desires and feelings, I probably would not have any problem with her exploring this aspect of her sexual nature. It's as if the act itself is of miniscule consequece compared to awareness.

Now, all that is in the past and we've both moved on with our lives with our respective partners. For me, I never really brought myself to trust her completely after that. Still friends and all, but even to this day the whole experience has jaded me somewhat.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Well, truth be told, a significant majority of the male friends I know could never bring themselves to cheat on their partners either online or in real life. I think men are a bit more morally guided then some would give us credit, but I would agree there are some real pieces of work out there.

It's just that personally, I've been in a situation once beofre (and luckily only once) where a partner of mine was caught arranging an intimate encounter with a male friend. For me, the first emotion was of great disapointment, followed by anger and sadness. The disapointment was due primarily because I had trusted her without even considering she would ever want to do something like this to myself and our relationship. I was so let down because she felt she couldn't tell me how she was really feeling and choose the easy way out by avoiding the issue altogether. According to her, it wasn't so much that she wasn't happy in our relationship, it was more that she simply craved the emotional stimulation of an illicit affair.

The secondary emotion for me was anger, understandably. Again, I was angry that she had gone out of her way to hurt me, as opposed to communicating her thoughts. Thirdly, I was saddened over the whole ordeal and truly felt betrayed. If it wasn't for a lot of talking and working things out, I would have walked away right then and there. The irony, of course, is that had I been told earlier of her desires and feelings, I probably would not have any problem with her exploring this aspect of her sexual nature. It's as if the act itself is of miniscule consequece compared to awareness.

Now, all that is in the past and we've both moved on with our lives with our respective partners. For me, I never really brought myself to trust her completely after that. Still friends and all, but even to this day the whole experience has jaded me somewhat.

The first paragraph makes me laugh... in a good way. You are assuming that I am not only without morals, but that I think all men are, too. That's not at all what I was referring to with that "I think like a man" comment. Actually, I've met very few men who I would consider immoral. I guess just as many women as men are or are not. I really have no idea, either way and I can't make that judgement call, anyway.

If you consider me immoral for my views and my romantic choices... get in line. I'm sure you're not alone in that camp. ;-) And it's okay. Very few people online know anything more about me than what I post. To them, I'm one-dimensional... and an attention whore, too. ;-)

My statement was referring to how I view living and living in a relationship.

Regarding the pain, sadness and anger you experienced... I'm terribly sorry for that. But again, this was a real life experience, correct? That's a bit of a different ball game to me. I was speaking strictly to an online relationship.

I'm very jaded, too, but for different reasons than yours. In fact, that might go a long way in explaining my position on this topic.

We aren't going to see eye-to-eye on this and that's okay. I understand totally, your perspective (and those of the others who've posted here) and respect it. I really can't present my position any better than I have. And you've done a fine job of presenting yours.

Shall we shake on that? ;D

 

[O'Mac]

The first paragraph makes me laugh... in a good way. You are assuming that I am not only without morals, but that I think all men are, too. That's not at all what I was referring to with that "I think like a man" comment. Actually, I've met very few men who I would consider immoral. I guess just as many women as men are or are not. I really have no idea, either way and I can't make that judgement call, anyway.

Trust me, I didn't mean for it to sound like that. It just seemed to me that you had suggested men have an attitude of indifference with regards to this issue. My bad for the miscommunication.

Regarding the pain, sadness and anger you experienced... I'm terribly sorry for that. But again, this was a real life experience, correct? That's a bit of a different ball game to me. I was speaking strictly to an online relationship.

Well, it was intially an online relationship that was heading for a real life encounter. At first I got word of it just by a fluke and didn't think much of it. As things became more serious between them and the more of a change was seen, I did start passively investigating. When it got to the stage for the two of them to meet up, that's when I confronted her.

We aren't going to see eye-to-eye on this and that's okay. I understand totally, your perspective (and those of the others who've posted here) and respect it. I really can't present my position any better than I have. And you've done a fine job of presenting yours.

Shall we shake on that? ;D

I don't mind not seeing eye to eye. For me, the debate itself is of great interest and I'm just curious with regards to other points of view on the subject. It's all good.

 

[DVS]

Hey everyone, I just wanted to know what you all thought on this particular subject?

Do you think having an online Master (does not delve into real life) is considered cheating on your real life lover?

My thoughts:

Well, I have a lover, and I have an online master. My Master knows about my partner, but not vice versa. There are things my lover can't/wont do for me. I accept that. But I also accept that deep inside me there is a true submissive born to serve and honour. This side of my life is taken care of by my Master. He provides the fuel to ignite that fire inside me.

So don't feel I'm cheating on my partner. I love him with everything I have and will continue. But I also love, obey and serve my Master. I have found a way to meld both into my life.

Looking forward to hearing from you all!

cheers,
short-n-sweet

To me, if my lover were cheating with someone online, it's not cheating, as long as my needs, whatever those might be, are still met when I require them. As long as I'm not feeling left out or forgotten, like if my lover's thoughts were more in her online relationship instead of with me, her real life relationship, I'm OK with it.

I don't consider online to be that real, so the term cheating isn't aquainted. Even if she masturbates with this online friend, as long as she fulfills my sexual needs to my satisfaction, I don't care what she does in that way.

Only if I decide she's spending more time with her online friend instead of me will I see it as a problem. In fact, there might even be times when what she gets from her online relationship could even strengthen the bond she has with me. Now, a real life relationship besides the one she has with me? That's a totally different story.

On a side note...I've never understood online players with limits. What's that mean? It's all playacting so you could be having sex with a green alien, if you want to. He could have a cock that spins and lights up whtn he cums. Maybe he's got two, so he can take you in the ass at the same time...

Limits? Limits are things you won't do in real life. I once was online with a woman who woudln't allow me to tie her up. OK....this is ON LINE, PEOPLE! I'm not really tying her up. I'm not even in the same room...maybe not even in the same state...perhaps she's on the other side of the world...but she has a limit to my tying her up? Can't we just...maybe fake it?

 

[catalina_francisco]

On a side note...I've never understood online players with limits. What's that mean? It's all playacting so you could be having sex with a green alien, if you want to. He could have a cock that spins and lights up whtn he cums. Maybe he's got two, so he can take you in the ass at the same time...

Limits? Limits are things you won't do in real life. I once was online with a woman who woudln't allow me to tie her up. OK....this is ON LINE, PEOPLE! I'm not really tying her up. I'm not even in the same room...maybe not even in the same state...perhaps she's on the other side of the world...but she has a limit to my tying her up? Can't we just...maybe fake it?

LOL, thanks for making me laugh. I started my day with a lecture of how bad I was for not taking OL more seriously. Sheesh, and seems no matter how many times I mention we met and fell in love OL I get these accusations because I will not stand by and let people represent their OL experiences as RL for fear of unsuspecting novices making vital decisions based on what they read and expect to be RL advice and experience. Sheesh, if people are happy playing OL or RP, go for it, but recognise the line between fantasy and reality before someone else gets hurt. Personally that alien with 2 cocks sounds fun..you got any in your basement DVS?

Catalina

 

[Winter Lotus]

I agree with pretty much everything that is said.

If your master is such a big part of your life, then you should have him in it.
But in regards to your lover, you owe it to him to explain to him the situation.

It is not fair of you to carry on a dual lifestyle, even though one of the other parties know about it. Both parties should know about it. Its called consenting.

If you do not tell your lover about your master, then yes, it is cheating. You claim to "love" your master. And to "love" your lover. Here is my definition of love, based on life experiences and what other people describe love as:

To truly love someone, you have to give yourself to them completely. There can be no secrets, no lies, no deception. Thats not to say that you can't have other people involved in your relationship (like mine, there are other girls... with you, its your master)... BUT all parties involved have to be (or at least should be) aware of the entire situation and they should be ok with it. If one party is not aware or not ok with it, then the activity should stop, or you should find someone else.

And on another note... how do you know that your "lover" can't give you what you need? Have you asked him? Have you even tried it with him?

 

[Belladonna]

Well, In 2001, I was married with 2 children (one an infant) and I found a man completely by accident on line who shortly there after became my first Master and first expereince sexually with BDSM. That having been said, yes, for me it was cheating, regardless of the other variables going on in my real life marriage, it was cheating in the respect that I was lying and hiding the "relationship" it evolved into Phone and nothing more than that, but it was still cheating. It got to a point where the phone and online submission was not enough and I wanted more from it (not saying that is your case) but I neede3d more and a within abotu 6 months left my husband and got a divorce. Again, there were other VERY big problems in my marriage aside from that. My on line Master helped me find a way to find my inner strength to leave and, although the Master and I ended our "relationship" also, it was for the good for me.

If you are not finding what you need in your relationship and have to go elsewhere to feel complete, I find it is always best to let your partner know what is going on with you. All relationships should be built on trust love and honesty. If he doesn't like what you like or isn't willing to explore this side with you, then it may be time to rethink things.
Again, for me, the on line Master helped awaken a part of me I always knew was there but never knew how to let it out. SO many variables....

 

[FurryFury]

*grr*

DVS and Cat,

My online limits mostly have to do with my personal privacy.

Online stuff can involve things you can't do in RL which can be fun.

Before I was given permission to do such things I would have been upset to find out he was doing such things, which incidentally do not interest him. Now I could hardly call foul on it. Now there are a lot of things he could do that I would not see the same way as I did before. Lying to me however, is always going to be a problem.

Fury

 

[Belladonna]

DVS and Cat,

Lying to me however, is always going to be a problem.

Fury

Nods in agreement. Completely, totally, 100%

 

[shy slave]

DVS and Cat,

Lying to me however, is always going to be a problem.

Fury

Not discussing it and not sharing the reasons for the need is, to me, lying by omission.

 

[FurryFury]

Not discussing it and not sharing the reasons for the need is, to me, lying by omission.

I agree.

Fury

 

[shy slave]

I agree.

Fury

 

[WriterDom]

Enjoy it while you can. Usually, in the end, the story line to balancing a wonderful lover and a wonderful online lover goes horribly wrong. Even when there isn't deceit going on. There are exceptions. Maybe you are the one in 20 that will make it work.

 

[Master_of_Pupets]

I think it would be cheating if you had to hide the fact that you have an online master from your real life lover. If you can tell your real life partner about the online master and he or she is accepting of this then it isnt cheating. It would be the same thing for someone with an online sub. But thats just my opinion.

 

[SirFace]

It happened to me, she went from an OL to RL and didnt tell or ask me to play. Ive never been so devastated in my life when she told me. We will survive and flourish but it will take a while before I am over the hurt. DONT DO IT if you truly love the one your with. Ask him, you might find out he is really into this and doesnt even know it, just like me.

 

[lilliewhyte]

Online "relationship"

If people are having a relationshp on line or in real life and NOT sharing it with their partner, obviously something is lacking. The fact that one needs an "online" master or sub is bizarre. It is a great medium to meet and get to know people, but I will never understand how someone can be fufilled with an online or phone only relationship. Take responsiblity for your life and make it what you want it to be instead of hiding behind a screen or phone.
Is it cheating, yes.
v. cheat·ed, cheat·ing, cheats
To mislead; fool: To act dishonestly;
You are not being honest with your partner by involving a third person in a relationship in which they think there are only two.

 

[Pure]

it happens

every year or so, but i find myself agreeing with 'a desert rose,' here.

i dont' think people's sexual choices per se are to be moralized about, as we tend to: making the 'immoral' always about sex.

i think belladonna's posting was excellent. that's real life, to me.

i read several prophets of doom, here, who are waiting to say ,"I told you so" to ms 'short n sweet.' but the travails of these people do (will) not prove what you claim: that your (alleged) style of candid monogamy is best or the only moral one. people get hurt. esp. when they build castles in the air.

it hurts when relationships come apart or fail. the existence of third parties is neither here nor there, in my opinion. the 'third party'--or the discovery that there is a 'third party'-- is simply a catalyst, not a fundamental cause for what occurs.

we do not know what was said in the original story. did the woman, short n sweet, swear faithfulness and exclusiveness with her lover? i think these things can't be decided by assumptions.

one point i do agree partially with the judgers: i think the woman, s 'n s, should let her lover know of some of her kinks, and see how it goes. this gives him a chance. BUT if he turns up his nose or scoffs or belittles, then he 'has it coming' as far as her later seeking a supplementary person for those needs.

 

[sempervirens]

Maybe, as Pure says, this is judgemental of me, but my opinion is that it's wrong. If your needs aren't being met you have the right to leave. In an ideal world (we are generalizing, after all) it would be nice if people would communicate their needs rather than cheating.

SSC isn't just in BDSM, it extends in life, too. Obviously hard for him to consent if he doesn't know.

Your partner may or may not agree with your desire to play freely online, but the relationship is likely to be in danger whenever they find out.

I've heard the argument that online relationships are a form of emotional cheating. Maybe that's valid, but its for each of us to decide. Just don't forget to give your partner their choice, too.

 

[FurryFury]

If people are having a relationshp on line or in real life and NOT sharing it with their partner, obviously something is lacking. The fact that one needs an "online" master or sub is bizarre. It is a great medium to meet and get to know people, but I will never understand how someone can be fufilled with an online or phone only relationship. Take responsiblity for your life and make it what you want it to be instead of hiding behind a screen or phone.
Is it cheating, yes.
v. cheat·ed, cheat·ing, cheats
To mislead; fool: To act dishonestly;
You are not being honest with your partner by involving a third person in a relationship in which they think there are only two.

How very judgmental and condensing of you to say once AGAIN!


*shakes head*

Fury

 

[DVS]

DVS and Cat,

My online limits mostly have to do with my personal privacy.

Online stuff can involve things you can't do in RL which can be fun.

Before I was given permission to do such things I would have be upset to find out he was doing such things, which incidentally do not interest him. Now I could hardly call foul on it. Now there are a lot of things he could do that I would not see the same way as I did before. Lying to me however, is always going to be a problem.

Fury

I didn't mention anything about lying. Trust is a very large part of a relationship. If my partner was lying to me, I would soon associate that with deceit. And, that would eventually fester and cause even more doubt in my mind when I needed an answer as to where she was. Her excuses would be just excuses and even if nothing was happening, my subconscious would manufacture something that fit.

No, lying isn't good. There's no reason to lie. If you somehow got that from the fact that I said online cheating was OK, I don't agree. Cheating doesn't have to include lying. Cheating can just mean she's getting sexual satisfaction from someone other than me. She can still be doing that, via masturbation, which is the substance of online sex.

And, as I said before, as long as she was giving me every satisfaction that I desired, what she did with someone online wouldn't bother me. Maybe when explained in these terms, the word cheating doesn't fit. If the word cheating must include lying, then it doesn't.

 

[DVS]

If people are having a relationshp on line or in real life and NOT sharing it with their partner, obviously something is lacking. The fact that one needs an "online" master or sub is bizarre. It is a great medium to meet and get to know people, but I will never understand how someone can be fufilled with an online or phone only relationship. Take responsiblity for your life and make it what you want it to be instead of hiding behind a screen or phone.
Is it cheating, yes.
v. cheat·ed, cheat·ing, cheats
To mislead; fool: To act dishonestly;
You are not being honest with your partner by involving a third person in a relationship in which they think there are only two.

Yes, if someone is cheating and being deceptive to their partner, that's wrong. But, if their partner knows about it and is OK with it, that's not cheating, unless one partner isn't getting everything they desire from the relationship.

But, in your posted definition of cheating, deception and dishonesty are key parts. Those are premeditated actions, with knowledge of what could happen to the relationship if the other partner found out. Something is lacking in that relationship, and it's destined to fail, eventually.

On your statement about online relationships are bizarre, I disagree. I've never cares for online sexual scenes myself. Maybe I just can't multitask, because typing and masturbation are so difficult, together. But, if an online relationship is all someone has, I see nothing wrong with it.

Before the Internet, such a situation couldn't exist. A snail mail relationship could never bring the same sexual fever. If someone has the chance of a real life relationship, that is obviously more fun and gives much more satisfaction. But, I could never condem someone for having an online relationship, if it was their only means of communicating with someone, sexually. It does happen. Life isn't fair enough to allow everybody to connect with someone in real life.