Online Master cheating on real life lover?

[A Desert Rose]

... I just started to read the Lit boards thinking they would be as informative as some others. ..

Here's your first mistake, doll.

rose, sorry it doesn't sit well with you that i know who I am. I am the authority on my own life, don't care to be in regard to others. But, when participating in a question forum, I will give my opinion.

You think your lifestyle choices don't sit well with me? And you would care, why?

 

[A Desert Rose]

I have a thing for alluded humour ... It has a special allure to me

And you have an allure all your very own.

 

[babiesmiles]

And you have an allure all your very own.

awwwww TY

 

[Kajira Callista]

Well.... good on ya then, doll. ;-)

This makes you the utmost authority on this board!!!

And might I extend a most hardy welcome to you. We're all looking for that ultimate know-it-all here. Most of us are soooo misguided.

we are?

hey dolly didnt ya tell me the door was over here?


i cant seem to find it...i feel awfully misguided

 

[FurryFury]

This has gotten to the point of absurdity. If my response to the person who asked the question had been you fury, I can see how you may have been offended. Difference of opinion is just that, different. If you have nothing else to do but critque others opinions, go ahead. Frankly, I am not offended.
Obviously several of you missed the point of my first post and the following ones. I just started to read the Lit boards thinking they would be as informative as some others. Living a lifestyle that is not understood by so many people usually there is more understanding on bdsm boards.

rose, sorry it doesn't sit well with you that i know who I am. I am the authority on my own life, don't care to be in regard to others. But, when participating in a question forum, I will give my opinion.

Great, it certainly sounds like you can be mature, agree to disagree, be happy with your own lifestyle and let others be happy with theirs, then. If that's the case we should have no problems with each other. The board is big enough for everyone after all.

Happy posting,

Fury

 

[hotblooded]

short-n-sweet... Hey everyone, I just wanted to know what you all thought on this particular subject?

Do you think having an online Master (does not delve into real life) is considered cheating on your real life lover?
_________________________________________________________


From what I have come to understand is this... online sex of anykind "for men" is not considered cheating on their partners...it's just sex. It's the same thing if they are doing it in real life...it's just sex, honey... no emotional involvement.

Most women on the other hand, whose male counterparts are having "online sex of anykind" do consider it cheating, since "they" usually become emotionally involved to some degree (women).

There are people out there who care not a whit what their partners do online.
In fact an online relationship may add some pizzazz to a stale marriage.

However, speaking for myself... There have been times, that I have felt neglected or not had regular sex with my RT partner, that I too have turned to the PC and sought out that, which I felt I was missing. Sought out, found willing partners for then changed my mind about the whole thing.

The thing is, I know from experience that I'm not going to find " IT".... the answer online, nor am I going to help solve the problems that exist in my RT relationship. I want "him" (the guy in the next room), I want him to pay attention to me and want me. Sure the guy on the other end may be a quick fix, but in fact its going to make matters worse in my opinion.

To answer you honestly kid, I would consider what you are doing cheating. You have mentioned that something is missing with your RT lover, and I understand all of it.

Ask your self this:

Is the time spent with your online Master taking away from your having thoughts, feelings and time about your RT guy? If so it's cheating.

When you are with your RT guy are you thinking of your online Master?
Your partner is being cheated on, cause you aren't really there with him 100%.

Are you withholding information or lying about what you do online? If so it's cheating.

Have you ever spoken to your RT guy about your needs?
Maybe you've decided...for a whole slew of personal reasons why you don't want, since this little bit of online spice eases the boredom of your relationship.

If you care about your RT guy, and I mean really care, talk to him about your needs in an honest and open manner. Explain what's going on, maybe mention RT Master and why you have sought out a relationship online.
If your RT lover isn't responsive...then by all means carry on guilt-free with your online Master.

Yanno it may surprise you how many spouses don't mind the online Dom thing once they understand what it's all about and that you aren't going to be leaving any time soon.

On the other hand, if my Dom told me he wanted another sub online I would be really upset...I think the word would be pissed!

If I found out that he was doing something behind "my back" online, even if it was not to hurt me or endanger his RT relationship with me...and this has happened...if only for a day or two, I would be very, very pissed off, cry, scream and be so angry that I'm thinkin' dude is this really worth it?

If it happened again, and I found out about it, I would become malicious and retaliate...laffs wickedly. In fact I told him I would shoot him...not kill him exactly, but shoot him never the less.

I hope I have answered your question in someway hon.

 

[O'Mac]

From what I have come to understand is this... online sex of anykind "for men" is not considered cheating on their partners...it's just sex. It's the same thing if they are doing it in real life...it's just sex, honey... no emotional involvement.

Oh no. You didn't just go there, did you? Take a look at some of the earlier posts and you might want to consider changing that statement.

 

[FurryFury]

Oh no. You didn't just go there, did you? Take a look at some of the earlier posts and you might want to consider changing that statement.

LOL!

When dealing in stereotypical generalities I think I understand her point. When dealing with what individuals have said is true for them, I understand your point as well.

*smiles*

Fury

 

[catalina_francisco]

Oh no. You didn't just go there, did you? Take a look at some of the earlier posts and you might want to consider changing that statement.

LOL, you beat me to it!! The male in this house for one would consider all the 'non cheating' options as cheating and something he has no respect for.

Catalina

 

[hotblooded]

The thing is... having a Master "online only" may be a very safe way to go. But then where do you draw the line?
Granted, sometimes we just don't want to share everything with our RT partners. That can get old real quick.

Rose mentioned having a few secrets as being a good thing...and I would agree up to a point. When I came into this relationship I understood from the get go that we would have no secrets from each other. He could also have access to my e-mail if he wanted..shrugs (nothing there to hide)
I don't feel the same way now tho'...no way. A spouse or other having access to the others partner's e-mail is an invasion of privacy in my opinion.

I would add that just being able to have some personal privacy to be "myself" apart from my husband/Dom is very important, but nearly impossible.
For those who risk having a secret online Master/Mistress to fullfill a part of themselves that is lacking...I say enjoy, for I am not one to judge. (This may sound like I'm contradicting myself).

You can't get way from the "cheating" aspect of it tho', not in moral terms.

From a BDSM perspective, we are supposed to be a sexually liberated bunch, given the freedom to explore and experience our fantasies.
In most circles it is usually agreed upon that one's partner is always present during any RT sex involving a third (even 4th party) and as you know these things are discussed before hand and agreed upon. I would think that having another sub/Dom online is the same thing, something discussed and agreed upon.
Plus, carrying on behind your partners back is a betrayal of that "trust" that we in the lifestyle try so hard to maintain. (hmm a bit dramatic) Once it's gone it's gone.

Fury, you on the other hand are very open about your needs, and from what I understand your hubby is ok with it...smiles. So no fingers being pointed here.

To Rose's remark about "not being all things to one's partner". Sadly I agree.
but 7 or 8 out of 10 isn't bad.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I guess it depends on what you view as a BDSM relationship, what your personal ethics are, and whether you are the partner being cheated on or the one cheating or cheating with another whose partner is oblivious....those aspects tend to bring out different reactions from one person depending on which of the three people in a cheating situation they are....more often than not, the ones who are cheating or participating knowingly with someone who has a SO (who doesn't know what is going on) don't have an issue, whereas the one who didn't know and perhaps finds out sees it quite differently. I am still of the mind if you can't talk to your partner about it, it not only is cheating but signs you have much bigger issues to deal with and are using this as a way to not do so...not to mention you are denying your partner the choice to also seek a little outside fun if they wanted despite being self indulgent for yourself, or to walk totally and let you have all the fun you want.


Catalina

 

[cati]

Perfectly stated, couldn't agree more!

 

[Bandit58]

<snip>Rose mentioned having a few secrets as being a good thing...and I would agree up to a point. When I came into this relationship I understood from the get go that we would have no secrets from each other. He could also have access to my e-mail if he wanted..shrugs (nothing there to hide)
I don't feel the same way now tho'...no way. A spouse or other having access to the others partner's e-mail is an invasion of privacy in my opinion. <snip>

Just wanted to comment on this part of your post Master has access to my email accounts, and I to His. That does not mean we go into each other's accounts willy nilly. If He is unwell I will check them for Him but I will ask first if I may open the emails. We have no secrets from each other - in fact recently an old sex partner of mine asked to join my Yahoo chat again and I allowed it, and told Master about it too.

I also have an account on collarme and post there freely. Master doesn't mind. He is not a member and doesn't even go in there and read the boards. Sometimes I get emails from other Doms. It is politely pointed out that I am collared/owned and not looking. If the email is from an asshat I will share it with Master and the asshat will be blocked.

He could check up on me at any time, and I could do the same. However everything is shared between us so there's no need to. The computer is in the living room and the screen is visible to anyone who walks past.

 

[FurryFury]

Thanks for not pointing fingers Hotblooded. I have a slightly different take on sharing e-mail accounts or pass words but that doesn't mean that I'm saying anyone else's take on it is wrong. Mine is just different.

For a very long time, my husband (not my Master) and I shared an e-mail account. One day he was bitching about the fact that it got a LOT of mail and MOST of it wasn't for him though it was HIS name the account was in.

I thought to myself there are many things I can't fix in this relationship. This I can fix. It was a bitch to fix too for a lot of reasons but I got it done by the next day because that is the way I am if I care about someone. They want something? Can I do it? Bam, it's done. The problem comes when they were lying to themselves or me about what they wanted, thank goodness I don't live with that sort anymore. You know how the songs goes?

"When you get what you want, you never want it again."

I found a certain amount of security in sharing an account like that. There was much less stuff of each others that we missed because we both read the shit, ya know? Communication has always be a huge thing to us, a defense if you will, against outsider (mostly relatives) interference tactics.

Anyway he is my IT guy so he knows as much as he cares to. Honestly I wish he cared to know more. *c*

However I do agree some privacy is good for everyone. I always try to tell my friends to be sure they carve out some private time. I think it's important but HARD to do.

Now was it this thread or another that someone said they would not like it if their online Dom has other online submissives? I have something to say about that too.

I say, and again this may be because I don't want to turn an online relationship into a RL one since my RL is already spoken for, that I would HATE to try to limit anyone including my online Dom in this or any way that I can think of. After all I can't give him RL and as long as I get "mine" I don't care if he has 200 or more online subs or RL ones.

In fact, I can now say that if my husband were to want another woman or man, I feel we could work that out too now. It would be scary but I feel we could.

I like to help people get to their full potential and follow their passions. I HATE limits in general and try not to impose them on others.

Of course I have my own limits and will respect theirs even if I slowly wear them away. I'm not talking D/s here, I'm talking life. I sometimes feel like a life coach for my buds and family. Does that sound terribly egotistical?

I bet this is a hijack huh. Oops!

Back to the subject, yes Virginia, online stuff is cheating IMHO if you keep it a secret or lie about it.

*whistles and looks innocent*

Fury

 

[sky_028]

is it cheating ??

Allot of times its just rules people set in a realtionship. I have online friends, and I go in these chat rooms and hang out at times. I get all kinds of funny pictures it isn't even funny. My husband has online friends, He can sexual and flirt with them at times. Allot of people look at the net like a porno book or a porno movie, play boy as you wish, play girl etc.... A means of a way to explore and get wet and see new things, hearing new idea's. Reading stories, looking a pictures what ever the fetish may be. so, because we both do it, were not cheating on each other ??? Or we are cheating on each other ???
28

 

[vanelane]

Allot of times its just rules people set in a realtionship. I have online friends, and I go in these chat rooms and hang out at times. I get all kinds of funny pictures it isn't even funny. My husband has online friends, He can sexual and flirt with them at times. Allot of people look at the net like a porno book or a porno movie, play boy as you wish, play girl etc.... A means of a way to explore and get wet and see new things, hearing new idea's. Reading stories, looking a pictures what ever the fetish may be. so, because we both do it, were not cheating on each other ??? Or we are cheating on each other ???
28

See, you two are not cheating, because you are open and honest with each other about your activities. The original poster, however, is neither open nor honest and thus, she's cheating.

 

[Ebonyfire]

I call cheating stacking the deck. What does that mean? It means that you are insuring you can do what you want without your partner getting upset about it. We all can cheat if we want to ensure the outcome.

But the fact of the matter is, if you withhold information from a significant other so that they will continue to love you, or you can continue to do what you want, then there might me consequences when they find out. And they will find out.

And of course they will feel betrayed, and the relationship may not survive.

So a person is basically behind a rock and a hard place. If you tell the person they may feel angry and betrayed and if you do not tell them they may feel angry and betrayed when they find out which is the exact thing you are trying to avoid in the first place.

If you are doing something you know that person finds offensive, then you really have a problem of another kind. That person may have a volatile reaction to what you have been doing behind their back.

Eb

 

[Master_of_Pupets]

See, you two are not cheating, because you are open and honest with each other about your activities. The original poster, however, is neither open nor honest and thus, she's cheating.

I agree, I wouldn't consider it cheating if both parties are fully informed. The cheating comes in when you start trying to hide things for your SO. If you're doing something you know your SO might not like then hiding whatever it is from them then you're cheating. If you have done something regrettable, something your SO might not like in the past but you have stopped and still have not come clean you're still not being fair to your SO. In my opinion omitting information, especially something the other party would care about is just as bad as lying/cheating.

But these are just my opinions and I’ve been called crazy before.

 

[FurryFury]

I agree, I wouldn't consider it cheating if both parties are fully informed. The cheating comes in when you start trying to hide things for your SO. If you're doing something you know your SO might not like then hiding whatever it is from them then you're cheating. If you have done something regrettable, something your SO might not like in the past but you have stopped and still have not come clean you're still not being fair to your SO. In my opinion omitting information, especially something the other party would care about is just as bad as lying/cheating.

But these are just my opinions and I’ve been called crazy before.

Throwing this one out there.

What if you have permission but you chose to concel what you are doing so you can experience just your feelings and tell your SO later?

Fury

 

[raven2]

Throwing this one out there.

What if you have permission but you chose to concel what you are doing so you can experience just your feelings and tell your SO later?

Fury

I think if you have permission, then it certainly isn't cheating. Telling your SO later because you want to experience it on your own, shouldn't be a problem.

 

[Master_of_Pupets]

Throwing this one out there.

What if you have permission but you chose to concel what you are doing so you can experience just your feelings and tell your SO later?

Fury

Well, that's not a situation I had really thought of before and i'm not totally sure what to think at the moment. I try to think of it as if I were the SO and how I’d feel, and all I can say for now is that the final honesty would be admirable.

 

[FurryFury]

In my opinion when your SO wants to know "every detail" of you being with someone else, they are looking to be hurt.

Also I believe that if you conceal things you are in fact cheating permission or not and regardless of if you tell them "everything" as they claimed they wanted, later.

However, I won't judge those that might do that or other forms of cheating. It's a "I haven't walked a day in their shoes," kind of thing for me.

Fury